Chapter 8
Haldir's eyes snapped open with a start, his heart beating rapidly. He looked around the room, slowly realizing where he was. The events at Helm's Deep had once again played themselves over and over each night in painfully acute detail. Everything had seemed so clear before...there had been no questions. He sighed, running his fingers through his hair, trying to regain some semblance of cleanliness.
It had all been so real, there had been no fear, there had been purpose, comrades, enemies...everything a good solider needed to fight. Death, that thing that had seemed so abstract only days earlier, had now become a very close acquaintance. 'Death could not possibly be any worse than an eternity like this.' He made another feeble attempt at movement - nothing. "Ai gods! Why did this have to be?" His frustration rang clear in his voice, and he felt his breath catch in his throat; he stifled a sob. Why couldn't he control himself anymore? He was Haldir, the very pillar of control. He was the model of everything a soldier could have ever hoped to be...and now - now he was nothing.
"My lord?"
Haldir turned toward the door, noting a young attendant standing there somewhat awkwardly holding a tray of food.
"Go away." He took special care to make his voice as cold and as unwelcoming as possible. He shot her a disdainful look for good measure. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?
"But...I am to bring you your morning meal." She persisted stubbornly, smashing an imaginary insect into the ground.
"It is not necessary. I do not wish it."
"Then...perhaps a bath?"
Haldir practically barked out his laughter. "Are you suggesting I need your assistance? You think you need to help me?"
Her face began to turn red. "Well, perhaps someone else could attend to your...bathing needs." She put the tray down on a nearby table. "Shall I...summon someone?"
Haldir studied her for a moment, "Could it be? You really are serious!"
"Excuse me my lord; I perhaps I misunderstand...."
"You would send someone to follow me around? Attend to my every need?"
"An attendant could-"
"A nurse...a babysitter..." He snapped.
"No! You only need a little more help to take care of yoursel-"
A vase crashed against the wall beside her head, she froze in shock.
"Now, get out of here before I find something else to throw at you!" Haldir waited, scowling until she had fled room. "Look what you have reduced yourself to, Haldir, the March Warden of Lorien, throwing things at attendants like a mere child!" He slammed his fist down upon his dead thigh, which only served to infuriate him more. "How pathetic, how truly pathetic." A thought then flashed across his mind, a dark, forbidden, blasphemous thought. As quickly as it had appeared, it fled into the darkness; but it had already left its mark upon Haldir's mind.
"Perhaps..." he said softly, hardly believing the heavy words were his own, "perhaps there is a way to end everything after all..."
*
Nienna closed her eyes, taking in a long, deep breath. 'Here we go...' Slowly, she entered Haldir's room once more. At first, it seemed as if he hadn't even noticed her, he seemed too busy starting out the balcony windows, pensive.
"My lord?"
An irritated look came over his features almost instantly, but he did not turn his head. "What is it now, I thought I told you to-" He turned toward her voice. "Oh..." His voice deadened, "you again."
Nienna pursed her lips thoughtfully, and smiled, almost playfully. "Well, I must say it is a pleasure to see you, too." Haldir snorted, not amused. Nienna's expression did not change save the sudden serious concern in her eyes. "Is it true that you have been refusing the care of the attendants?"
"So what if it is? What do you care?" He closed his eyes, turning back toward the window before opening them again. Nienna kept her sighs to herself, keeping her soft smile as best she could.
"My lord-"
"Stop calling me that," he snapped suddenly.
Nienna was taken aback, blinking in surprise.
He scoffed, sneering, "I am no one's lord now."
She shrugged elegantly, deciding it was better not to argue with him. "Alright then, I suppose 'Haldir' will just have to do."
He said nothing.
"Haldir..." She started, trying to find the most delicate words possible, "I know that this has not been easy for you...but-"
"Oh quite the contrary, this whole experience has been a breeze. I cannot imagine the last time I had so much fun being an invalid." His voice was bitter and dripping with sarcasm.
'Well, at least he still has his sense of humor...' Nienna thought dryly. She cleared her throat. "...but I think if we are to progress at all, we need to...er...clean you up a bit."
Haldir smirked, waving his hand dismissively. "Do you not have better things to do?" He observed her expressions carefully, "I am sure you would rather go play with your suitor...like a good little girl."
Nienna fumed, "He is NOT my suitor!" She felt her cheeks warming, "What right do you think you have to talk to me like that? I have done nothing but try to help you!"
"I do not want your help!" Haldir shouted, leaning forward as best he could, "Why do you refuse to understand this? I do not want you here, I never asked for your help. You come here because you feel sorry for me, and I do not want your pity!"
"I feel no pity for you anymore, Haldir." Nienna said, her chin tilting up defiantly. "I may not feel sorry for you...But perhaps you feel sorry for yourself." Haldir's eyes flashed angrily, but he remained silent. Nienna felt encouraged to go on. "You, Haldir, have flung yourself into this role of victim yourself. If you think I am going to just let you lie there without trying then you have severely underestimated me!" She turned, throwing open the translucent curtains, allowing the brilliant, gleaming blue light of the Lorien lanterns to come shining into the room. "Look out there! That is your world, not that bed you lay in." Haldir's expression was one of mixed anger and confusion, Nienna's gaze was strong now, her lips seemed to burn with the truth of what she spoke. "You may not want my help Haldir," Nienna sat softly at the foot of his bed, her silvery hair draping over her shoulder as she tilted her head slightly, "but bidden or not, you will have it."
*
The soft, gauzy glow of the outer lights suddenly became intense, forcing Haldir's eyes shut. The silence between them buzzed in his ears, booming chaos that only he could hear. 'Curse her,' He thought, 'there can be no peace for me if she continues like this. I will never be able to...to...' Haldir couldn't even bring himself to think the word.
*Suicide*
Something deep in his mind resounded softly, the ripples of thought growing ever wider as they expanded from their central point. He sighed inwardly, 'her persistence is infuriating, and she will never leave unless she thinks I am improving.' He realized that she was looking at him again, gods, how he hated that look. It made him feel like a small child, helpless.
"Fine." A single word made its way into the room, dry, cloaked in grief.
Nienna suppressed a beaming smile, and gave as professional a nod as she could muster. "Very well then," She stood, heading toward the doorway, "we shall start tomorrow." Haldir offered a weak smile, hoping it would be enough to satisfy her. It was, and in mere moments she was gone back into the twisting paths among the trees.
He sat staring toward the door for some time after the main lights had faded, and finally turned his gaze to the clear night sky - searching for his star. There was something ironic, he noted, how his star seemed to be fading, more each night. "Now it is only a matter of time..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Well, how's THAT for a twist? Glad to see so many reviews, thank you to everyone who took the time to write them, you really inspire me to keep going with this!
Haldir's eyes snapped open with a start, his heart beating rapidly. He looked around the room, slowly realizing where he was. The events at Helm's Deep had once again played themselves over and over each night in painfully acute detail. Everything had seemed so clear before...there had been no questions. He sighed, running his fingers through his hair, trying to regain some semblance of cleanliness.
It had all been so real, there had been no fear, there had been purpose, comrades, enemies...everything a good solider needed to fight. Death, that thing that had seemed so abstract only days earlier, had now become a very close acquaintance. 'Death could not possibly be any worse than an eternity like this.' He made another feeble attempt at movement - nothing. "Ai gods! Why did this have to be?" His frustration rang clear in his voice, and he felt his breath catch in his throat; he stifled a sob. Why couldn't he control himself anymore? He was Haldir, the very pillar of control. He was the model of everything a soldier could have ever hoped to be...and now - now he was nothing.
"My lord?"
Haldir turned toward the door, noting a young attendant standing there somewhat awkwardly holding a tray of food.
"Go away." He took special care to make his voice as cold and as unwelcoming as possible. He shot her a disdainful look for good measure. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?
"But...I am to bring you your morning meal." She persisted stubbornly, smashing an imaginary insect into the ground.
"It is not necessary. I do not wish it."
"Then...perhaps a bath?"
Haldir practically barked out his laughter. "Are you suggesting I need your assistance? You think you need to help me?"
Her face began to turn red. "Well, perhaps someone else could attend to your...bathing needs." She put the tray down on a nearby table. "Shall I...summon someone?"
Haldir studied her for a moment, "Could it be? You really are serious!"
"Excuse me my lord; I perhaps I misunderstand...."
"You would send someone to follow me around? Attend to my every need?"
"An attendant could-"
"A nurse...a babysitter..." He snapped.
"No! You only need a little more help to take care of yoursel-"
A vase crashed against the wall beside her head, she froze in shock.
"Now, get out of here before I find something else to throw at you!" Haldir waited, scowling until she had fled room. "Look what you have reduced yourself to, Haldir, the March Warden of Lorien, throwing things at attendants like a mere child!" He slammed his fist down upon his dead thigh, which only served to infuriate him more. "How pathetic, how truly pathetic." A thought then flashed across his mind, a dark, forbidden, blasphemous thought. As quickly as it had appeared, it fled into the darkness; but it had already left its mark upon Haldir's mind.
"Perhaps..." he said softly, hardly believing the heavy words were his own, "perhaps there is a way to end everything after all..."
*
Nienna closed her eyes, taking in a long, deep breath. 'Here we go...' Slowly, she entered Haldir's room once more. At first, it seemed as if he hadn't even noticed her, he seemed too busy starting out the balcony windows, pensive.
"My lord?"
An irritated look came over his features almost instantly, but he did not turn his head. "What is it now, I thought I told you to-" He turned toward her voice. "Oh..." His voice deadened, "you again."
Nienna pursed her lips thoughtfully, and smiled, almost playfully. "Well, I must say it is a pleasure to see you, too." Haldir snorted, not amused. Nienna's expression did not change save the sudden serious concern in her eyes. "Is it true that you have been refusing the care of the attendants?"
"So what if it is? What do you care?" He closed his eyes, turning back toward the window before opening them again. Nienna kept her sighs to herself, keeping her soft smile as best she could.
"My lord-"
"Stop calling me that," he snapped suddenly.
Nienna was taken aback, blinking in surprise.
He scoffed, sneering, "I am no one's lord now."
She shrugged elegantly, deciding it was better not to argue with him. "Alright then, I suppose 'Haldir' will just have to do."
He said nothing.
"Haldir..." She started, trying to find the most delicate words possible, "I know that this has not been easy for you...but-"
"Oh quite the contrary, this whole experience has been a breeze. I cannot imagine the last time I had so much fun being an invalid." His voice was bitter and dripping with sarcasm.
'Well, at least he still has his sense of humor...' Nienna thought dryly. She cleared her throat. "...but I think if we are to progress at all, we need to...er...clean you up a bit."
Haldir smirked, waving his hand dismissively. "Do you not have better things to do?" He observed her expressions carefully, "I am sure you would rather go play with your suitor...like a good little girl."
Nienna fumed, "He is NOT my suitor!" She felt her cheeks warming, "What right do you think you have to talk to me like that? I have done nothing but try to help you!"
"I do not want your help!" Haldir shouted, leaning forward as best he could, "Why do you refuse to understand this? I do not want you here, I never asked for your help. You come here because you feel sorry for me, and I do not want your pity!"
"I feel no pity for you anymore, Haldir." Nienna said, her chin tilting up defiantly. "I may not feel sorry for you...But perhaps you feel sorry for yourself." Haldir's eyes flashed angrily, but he remained silent. Nienna felt encouraged to go on. "You, Haldir, have flung yourself into this role of victim yourself. If you think I am going to just let you lie there without trying then you have severely underestimated me!" She turned, throwing open the translucent curtains, allowing the brilliant, gleaming blue light of the Lorien lanterns to come shining into the room. "Look out there! That is your world, not that bed you lay in." Haldir's expression was one of mixed anger and confusion, Nienna's gaze was strong now, her lips seemed to burn with the truth of what she spoke. "You may not want my help Haldir," Nienna sat softly at the foot of his bed, her silvery hair draping over her shoulder as she tilted her head slightly, "but bidden or not, you will have it."
*
The soft, gauzy glow of the outer lights suddenly became intense, forcing Haldir's eyes shut. The silence between them buzzed in his ears, booming chaos that only he could hear. 'Curse her,' He thought, 'there can be no peace for me if she continues like this. I will never be able to...to...' Haldir couldn't even bring himself to think the word.
*Suicide*
Something deep in his mind resounded softly, the ripples of thought growing ever wider as they expanded from their central point. He sighed inwardly, 'her persistence is infuriating, and she will never leave unless she thinks I am improving.' He realized that she was looking at him again, gods, how he hated that look. It made him feel like a small child, helpless.
"Fine." A single word made its way into the room, dry, cloaked in grief.
Nienna suppressed a beaming smile, and gave as professional a nod as she could muster. "Very well then," She stood, heading toward the doorway, "we shall start tomorrow." Haldir offered a weak smile, hoping it would be enough to satisfy her. It was, and in mere moments she was gone back into the twisting paths among the trees.
He sat staring toward the door for some time after the main lights had faded, and finally turned his gaze to the clear night sky - searching for his star. There was something ironic, he noted, how his star seemed to be fading, more each night. "Now it is only a matter of time..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Well, how's THAT for a twist? Glad to see so many reviews, thank you to everyone who took the time to write them, you really inspire me to keep going with this!