Where I Belong
Lawrence knew he was making the right decision. He had so willingly signed his name to the document that said that he and Allison were now nothing more than Diana's parents. He still loved her, how couldn't he? She was the mother of his only child, a child he loved more than anything.
But he wasn't willing to live a lie anymore. Love just hadn't been enough to keep him from seeing other women, but now, he had no desire to do that anymore. Love wasn't enough to make him want to spend his life with her. They had parted on good terms, and now, Lawrence could be with the one he really loved.
He still found the whole thing strange.
The long and short of it was this – he had left a beautiful, graceful woman for a boy. It didn't make sense, and he had given up trying to make sense of it. It wasn't only the fact that he was in love with a man that had him baffled. It was the way they had come together. Face to face in some serial killer's game of survival.
He should have known that Adam was more than just the man chained at the other end of the room. He should have known there must have been a solid reason why this man in particular was his cellmate. But he hadn't been thinking clearly that day. All he knew was that they were both in trouble. He had learned a lot about Adam during their eight-hour game.
Adam was annoying.
"On my sixth birthday, my best friend at the time, Scott Tibbs, stabbed me with a rusty nail, I didn't tell you about that."
Adam was arrogant.
"Just because I'm stuck in this room with you doesn't mean I have to report to you every ten seconds."
And Adam was a liar.
"I get paid to take pictures of rich guys like you who go to seedy, out-of-the-way motels to fuck their secretaries."
Yes, Adam was a liar, but he had no right to hold that against him. After all, he had been deceiving his wife for years, and Adam had caught him, fair and square.
And even after all that, he was still mysteriously drawn to him.
He remembers when he finally saw his family after his escape from the bathroom, and how they had all survived even though no one had really played by the rules. He didn't care about his leg. Didn't care that he had endured terrible pain for nothing. What hurt him the most was the fact that he had shot Adam for nothing.
He had apologized for days until one day Adam said that he was glad that he shot him. It proved the lengths he was willing to go for those he loved.
He remembers how Adam cried and begged him not to leave him shackled to the pipe, and even though his pleas and his tears cut through his heart the way the hacksaw had cut through his leg, Lawrence knew he had to go. Had he stayed, neither one of them would have made it.
Lawrence had always been a man who had been sure of everything. His skill and precision and desire for perfection in his work had overlapped with every other facet of his life, except where it mattered most. Even so, he was also a man crippled by his certainty. There was never any room for doubt or another option. Everything could make sense, he believed.
At least that's what he believed until he met Adam.
Nothing about what he felt for Adam made sense. He struggled with the fact that he was drawn to him. He struggled with the fact that he felt for Adam what he should have felt for his wife.
But now, Allison was no longer his wife, and even though they had parted civilly, he knew she was glad to be rid of him. He was all work and no play, all doctor and no family man, all wrapped up in his own little universe where everything was fine, even when it was painfully obvious that it wasn't.
"How can you walk through life pretending you're happy?"
In hindsight, he realized he had been pretending. His wife had always been a perceptive woman, and she could clearly see what he was so unwilling to admit.
He wasn't happy. If he were, he wouldn't have been out with his litany of mistresses over the years. He would have taken the time to re-evaluate his career and balance it with his family life.
But he hadn't.
And now, he stood here, on one foot that was his and a prosthesis, preparing to embark on a journey he had never considered before.
Allison and Diana had moved across town and he had kept the house. An empty house. Everything was gone, but that's what he wanted. He wanted to begin again with a clean slate.
Lawrence glanced at his watch. It was nearly three o'clock. The moving van should be arriving shortly.
There were days when he'd forget about the fact that his right foot had been replaced by synthetics. Aside from the occasional phantom pain, he was only consciously aware of it when he could see it. He had given up his foot to gain his life, and every moment of agony, every second of blinding pain, had been worth it.
He heard the van pull in the drive and went outside to meet them. Adam didn't own a vehicle, and he caught a ride over with the movers.
Lawrence smiled. Yes, Adam was the one he loved. He could see him from where he stood and wanted so much to hold him. He loved the smell of his hair, the way he laughed, the way it felt when they were together.
He was everything his wife had never been, and could never be.
He hadn't given up anything of worth the day Allison left. Other than the fact that he would only see Diana on weekends and holidays, the entire shift had been relatively painless. He had only given up the lies the day she left.
Today was the day he and Adam would never have to be apart again. He knew that they belonged together. Maybe it didn't make sense, maybe it was completely outrageous, but it was still the truth. And he wasn't going to live in lies anymore.
Adam ran to him as the movers began unloading the few items he was going make part of their home.
There was no need for words as they looked at each other and smiled. The one he loved was Adam. He had never been surer of anything in his life, and he had never loved anyone like this before. Not even Allison.
As they lost themselves in each other's arms, Allison's words resounded throughout his mind.
"How can you walk through life pretending you're happy?"
He drew Adam in closer, delighting in the fact that he no longer had to pretend.
I am happy, he thought.
And this time, it was the truth.