1Trapped In A Void..
As I lay here and cry
I keep asking myself why…
Why am I in such sorrow?
Why can't today be tomorrow?
Why do they have to stare?
Why do I care?
I want to be me.
I want to be free.
Pretty sad, eh? Yeah that's how I feel like right now. Earlier in my life, I felt alone because I felt so different. There was a void in my life that I felt like I could never fill until a few weeks ago, but now when I feel so complete, my life is being torn apart from my heart and the world around me. Before what happened I felt so different, I felt so lost and confused; nothing in this world could ever make me happy or at least that is what I thought. Then something happened and I feel so relieved. It is as if you had been sleep walking all of your life and then you wake up to find yourself not lost in some dark place but in the comfort of your bed. You want to wrap your body around the covers and snuggle against the pillow so tightly because you feel so much at peace…calm. Before in my life I was rejecting the world around me. I didn't feel right about anything, nothing in my world seem to make sense. It was as if someone gave you tons of pieces to a puzzle but none of the pieces would fit so they were useless! I would find myself giving up on my faith, my family and almost my life. Till he came into my life…and I am accepting more of this world, the pieces are coming together to form the puzzle that will explain my life to me, but now the world is rejecting me..
I don't know how far I can take you back into my life to fully explain my thoughts and actions, but I will try my best for even I do not know the exact time or cause of my "strange" behavior because I have felt like this all my life, as if I was truly born this way. You can't really say "outcast" because people accepted me into their society and I did interact with everyone, but this was a charade for me because behind closed curtains, deep down inside my heart, even my soul, I knew this wasn't my life. As I continue to ponder on the reasons why I may not feel like I belong, I become angry, frustrated, sad, and sometimes severely depressed. Now I made friends, believe me, I am pretty nice and talkative. Everyone always adore me amazingly! The major impact was when I reached around the end of high school and early college. My friends were running off to different places, planning for their future. You know how that goes. They get a degree, travel to different parts of the state or even country to find a certain job. Some of them started to date around and eventually found their "life partner." After a certain point, I just gave up on making any serious friends because as soon as I did, they would end up getting a guy and running off marrying him. I know not that quickly ,but it sure seemed that way. Now believe I had boyfriends of my own, but they never worked out. Something happen to where they wouldn't work out and then I would be all heart broken. Deep down inside I felt like I couldn't be with them either, and it wasn't just one particular guy, it was any guy. My "friends" would drag me out with them to malls to stare at the men, but I couldn't get into it. They would point to a guy and tell me to look over at him. I would glance over at the guy, look back at my friends who would be practically drooling on themselves as they looked at his body lustfully. I would make a face, as I'd shrug and then make the same old comment, "So what about him?" Honestly, I couldn't do it, no matter how hard I tried to make myself. Usually they would hit me over the top of the head and then always ask me "What the hell is wrong with you?" I would laugh, but after awhile this started to eat at me. I began to think that there was something wrong with me so eventually to evade their nasty comments to me, I started to lie through my mouth and say, "Yeah he's pretty hot isn't he?" Just to get them away from me, but then I would feel so terrible inside because I knew it wasn't true. Everyone started to wonder why I didn't go out with guys or why I had no interest in marrying. Eventually the friends stop calling and I became alone. I felt so terrible deep down inside, I didn't understand why I was like this. I couldn't explain to them why I couldn't find guys attractive at all.
This is when I began to lose faith in my life and I grew angry inside. I would often pray and ask God why I was acting this way. I didn't quite understand my purpose in life. I would often find myself crying and asking God "Is there anyone out there that I can actually love, Father?" But as the days grew into weeks, the weeks grew into months and the months grew into years, I began to think that even God had given up on me, and with that I gave up on him. I grew angry inside. Human affection sickened me. Whenever one of my friends would start to date a guy, I would cut off connection with them. Course with this I became even more alone, I felt like as if I didn't belong in this world and that if I didn't belong then why was I still here?
Often I did ponder suicide. Sometimes I felt like there was no other way. But I could never get myself to go through the deed that I needed to do because yet something deep down inside was clutching me as if someone was holding onto me and saying "Don't go please. I need you to stay with me." By this I stayed and no matter how depressed I got, I could never ever kill myself. As this progressed I began to show no fear for death. I would often take any dangerous road that I could when I went out driving in my car. I would go on narrow roads that were only wide enough for one car up high mountains with no guard rail to protect you from falling in the rain. I traveled at least 50 miles away from my home one day to just get away from everything. I felt so happy when I was away from everything for I did not belong ,but yet I always had to come back to where I started. For a while I was happy with my travels but then I felt like I didn't want to do them again and my depression started up. That's when things took a turn for the worse. I would travel down to the bad parts of the city to get deep into the high crime areas alone sometimes during the night. I don't know why I did it because often my parents warned me not to do this for even they would never attempt such a feat but I did anyways. But this was not enough for me, I needed something more for I still feared no death because life to me was so confusing and frustrating that I wished not to care what happened to me.
Strangely enough New York City attracted me. I had visited the city twice in my life and I always felt at home there. Something about the city just clutched my heart as if I was born to stay there. But yet the sadness deep within my body had another plan for me. Because of my willingness to take high risks there was one more thing that I wanted to do. I wanted to visit the Bronx. The Bronx was the terror of the city or at least to some people it was. To visit the Bronx especially at night was like a death wish but, to me I felt like this is what I had been practicing for months. But I never expected something to happen like it did that one evening when I made good on my decision to go there…
The Guardian Angel..
I think the only way you could truly believe me on what happened is if you could have been there, but believe me, this would change the rest of my life. It started one weekend when I finally receive the opportunity in the summer to visit my best friend Lea in New York. She was going to the city herself that same weekend to visit so I decided to go with her. Lea was the exception to all of the friends in my life for she was unlike them and so like me that I felt so close to her as if she was a part of me as family. She often stayed by my side when I was down about all the hardships in my life and I stayed by hers because I loved her so much as my sister that I didn't want to leave her. Even though she was helping me tremendously I still felt like I had a void in my life and I still had the same attitude about my life. I never told her my wanting to go to the Bronx so one night I told her I was too sick to go out to this play with her and her other friend so I stayed behind in the hotel room. I planned this out thoroughly. The play that Lea and her friend would be attending would be almost 2 hours long and another hour to there and back. It was plenty of time for me to sneak out and take a subway to upper Central Park where it blends into the Bronx. Knowing that I would be taking a very high risk since it was already 6pm that day, I decided that I would only go a few blocks into the Bronx section before turning around so there would really be no harm in that and I would arrive at least a hour back at the hotel before Lea would return. If she tried to call me, I could always lie and tell her that I was asleep or something so the plan seemed to be almost flawless. I stayed at the hotel for at least 30 more minutes in my room after Lea left to just be sure that she would think I would stay there.
When I felt like everything was good to go, I quickly made my way out of the hotel. Although this even happened at least a good 4 months ago, every memory of it has so much detail; it is as if it only happened yesterday! I remember it was actually cool that evening even for a day in the summer. The air was thick with the usual air pollution and fog from the afternoon's rainstorm. There were still puddles all over the roads and cars splashed by as they made their usual run down the busy streets of Midtown Manhattan. The water splashed from under my shoes as I hastened my pace to the subway station. I felt so nervous as I boarded the subway train, I gripped tightly onto the ceiling holders as I decided to stand, I started to almost dread going. I was beginning to change my mind on the event, but I felt like I couldn't move my legs. My brain was telling me to let go the holder and get out of the subway but my body stayed planted firmly in its position. I bit my lip as the subway train doors closed and it began its journey to the destination. At this point my memories are blurred because my mind was clouded with thoughts. I was debating over and over in my head if I should get off at the next exit and go back to Midtown, while the other part of me argued strongly that since I am already here that I should go ahead and get it over with because that was the only way to satisfy me. The debate rushed on as I passed several stops till the conductor announced my stop. Without hesitation, I stepped off from the subway train onto the platform. People pushed by me to get out of the subway station. I felt like I was in a daze. It was as if I could only watch everyone move and do nothing. I noticed that the clock on the station's wall showed that it was 6:45pm, which meant that I only had about 2hours to get to where I was going and back as quickly as I could to the hotel. I think seeing what the time was, jolted me out of my stupor and I continued my trek up the stairs to ground level once more. The familiar sound of sirens in the distance and cars going up and down the road brought some relief to me, but everything felt different. I felt a strange aurora over me as if I could almost sense the danger up ahead. People walked past me in the same distance where I came but not many were going the direction in which I had planned to. I looked back to see Central Park, I saw a mother yelling at her 2 children to come with her. Even she was afraid to get out of here. I strained my neck some to see the taxicabs flying down the streets towards Midtown. My eyes softened as I watched the cabs, then I looked back at the streets up ahead in the direction of the Bronx. There were some cars going into the Bronx but not many, not as many as Midtown. This place almost seem quieter, no matter how noisy Midtown was, I almost missed it compared to this.
As I walked the first block of the Bronx, I felt myself growing very scared. My heart was racing and I kept looking around, fearing that someone would try to hurt me if I wasn't careful. My mind was telling me to turn around and run but I pushed myself on, trying to be brave. After I reached the next block, I felt a little safer. The roads were starting to become less crowded with traffic as well as the sidewalks. There were some people walking around, but not as near as the multitude that was in Midtown where my hotel was located. I glanced down at my watch; I still had about an hour and a half to get back to the hotel, plenty of time for me to go a little further. Although I promised myself that I would only walk a few blocks into the Bronx, I decided to go just a little further. 2 more blocks that would be all. What harm would that do? I kept on walking as if I knew exactly where I was going. I looked around at the small shops and the apartment buildings that ran up and down with the roads. It seemed to grow quieter the further I went I could barely make out the sirens that I use to hear in Midtown. Now only a few cars were going up and down the streets but most of them were taxicabs. As I walked my mind began to wonder the further and further I went into the Bronx. I think I went much farther than I had planned. It didn't come clear to me how far I actually had walked until I snapped out of my stupor and my eyes fell upon the street sign nearby. It said, "W. 124th." I kept staring at the sign as if I could barely come to reality exactly where I was. I felt my body going into shock for I felt a strong sensation of fear going through me. I started my journey at W. 111th so that meant I walked at least 13 blocks. Without any more hesitation, I quickly turned around on my heel and started to go back in the direction that I came in a fast pace. I knew exactly where I was and it wasn't safe for me to be here. Not only was I in the Bronx, but also I was a mere one block away from entering Harlem. I felt my body growing cold as I glanced down at my watch to see that it was almost 9pm, I cursed at myself as I quickened my pace knowing that Lea would be at the hotel very shortly and realize that I had left. How was I going to explain to her where I went so late at night? Especially when I was sick! My mind clouded with excuses of what I could tell her mixing in with my fears of being so deep into the Bronx, so far away from my hotel. I knew that I was on Frederick Douglas Boulevard and as long as I stayed straight on this road it would take me back to Central Park. But even then I wouldn't be safe. Because people have warned me never go to Central Park late at night especially in the upper part but that was the only way I could get to my subway station. But it wasn't too late, I would reach the park around 9:30pm. I glanced up at the street sign as I walked across the street to see that I was now at W. 118th, 7 more blocks to go. But up ahead I did not like what I see, I quickly stopped in my tracks, when I saw a large group of men standing at a corner about a block away from me. They were on the same side of the road as me, which meant in order for me to get to where I needed to go, I would have to go past them. For this is not like Midtown where you could cross the street and walk past them. I stood at the crosswalk and stared at them for about 5 minutes trying to think of what to do. I really did not want to walk by them because there were such a large number of them and they were much older than me and probably twice my size! There was a combination of black and white men in this group, all of them seemed to wear some type of baggy pants, short sleeve shirts. Parts of their bodies had tattoos on them as well as body piercings. I let out a sigh and I turned right and decided to walk down another street in order to evade them. I figured that way I could easily go down one more block then take another right and be going in the same direction as before. I walked to the next street sign and it read "St. Nicholas Avenue." But this road was different, it was going in a diagonal then up ahead was another road. This was confusing to me so I decided to take the St. Nicholas Avenue down some. I walked down that street for about 2 blocks till I reach a bigger intersection. Now another road was intersecting the one I was on called "Adam Clayton Powell Jr." Then up ahead to the left was another road that was going straight down, I decided that I would go left and try to get to the next road because I wanted to be sure I wouldn't get lost. But I probably was already lost because I had no clue where the heck I was going! Cursed those guys for being in my way! I looked down at my watch to see that now it was almost 9:30pm and I was nowhere near Central Park, or at least that was what I thought. I felt myself becoming more frightened, I started to cry some as I walked. There was no one around! Up ahead I saw an African American standing near a bus stop sign. He looked to be only a few years older than me, but he still scared me. I wanted to turn and go another direction but I didn't want to make myself more lost than I already was! So I decided to be brave and just to walk past him. As I neared him, I noticed that he too was wearing ragged jeans, a white, cotton, short sleeve shirt that had a few holes in the sleeve, and his head was shaven. I noticed that his eyes were almost blood shot probably either from alcohol or drugs but I didn't even want to know the reason why. As I grew closer to him, I noticed that he had turned and was facing my direction, my eyes quickly darted to the ground as I became closer, I quickened my pace some, but I tried not to show too much fear. Suddenly I heard him speak, "Miss! Do you have a dollar?" I try not to look at him and I hurried more as I walked past him, although his voice was not really mean that at all I didn't want to stop. I just wanted to get back to the hotel! I felt a sign of relief as I looked up, knowing that the guy was behind me. But to my horror, I could hear him speak again but this time he was closer. "Miss! Do you have a dollar?" He was following me! I kept on walking, trying to ignore him, I was hoping that maybe he would get the hint and leave me alone. Then that is when the trouble started, I heard him walking fast to get up to me, his heavy feet plodded against the sidewalk. "Yo bitch! I asked you a question!" Before I could have a chance to respond to this, I quickly felt a tight grip on my arm as the man jerked me back to him. I let out a cry some, his tight grip was hurting my arm severely. He pulled me to him, I could feel his hot breath against my skin. It was as if the guy had totally changed from a human to a monster! "You know it's rude to ignore a brotha when he's askin' ya a question!" I didn't know what to do, all I could do was start to cry as I felt my words slur out from my mouth, begging him to let me go. He jerked me over to an alley where I saw 2 more men dressed the same way, another African American and one white Caucasian. The white man had dyed blonde hair that was spiked and the other African American had very trim hair. The white man pulled out a switchblade, which made me cry even harder as the man who was holding me, snatched my wallet out of the pocket of my jeans. I kept thinking that this was it. My life was going to end very soon. I stood there, I could feel the warm tears caressing my face as I cried. Suddenly the first black man's voice made me come to once more back to reality, "Yo CJ! I don't think she's from around here, but she's carrying a lot of cash on her!" I turned around to see the black guy taking the huge amount of $20's from my wallet, I began to curse at myself for keeping so much in my wallet at a time. But I was hoping that it would be enough for them to spare my life. The guy looked at my driver's license as he searched the rest of my wallet before tossing it on the ground.
"You not from here, sweetie? Oh then perhaps we should show you around our city." The other black man stated before he chuckled, then he nudged the white guy beside him. "Or maybe Ron here would like to have you to himself first." I cringed as I tried to move away but I felt the guy's grip on my arm tighten again as they began to laugh.
"Yah, baby. You'd be safe with me," Ron replied.
It was at this moment when I heard the strange voice. "I suggest you leave her alone right now." I looked around trying to see where the voice was coming from, but I couldn't see anyone. At first I thought maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but I noticed that the 3 men were looking around too in confusion. Suddenly the strange voice yelled out and then I heard a loud whack as CJ was struck in the head with something. I don't remember much at this point because the guy who was holding me threw me hard into the wall in anger. I remember hitting the wall pretty hard then collapsing to the ground. The pain was so immense that I was holding my face and crying hard against my arms. The sounds of men being hit and yelling swirled around in my head as I felt myself floating out of consciousness.
I don't quite remember how long I laid there on the ground, but I felt someone shaking me on the shoulder. My head was still throbbing immensely, I tried to open my eyes but my vision was kind of blurry still and it hurt too much to keep them open. I heard the strange voice again, "Are you alright?" I groaned as I tried to look up in the direction of the voice. I saw a dark figure before me, but I really couldn't quite make out the shape or face. I felt the strange figure place their finger on my head where I had hit the wall but their touch felt different. It wasn't human at all. I couldn't quite make out exactly what it was. That's when I think I said the stupidest thing. I remember asking the strange figure, "Are you my guardian angel?" I was so confused on what happened that I had no clue what was going on. I know that this was pretty stupid of me to say because I remember the unknown stranger made a sound of confusion and then I heard him chuckle. I don't know why, but I felt so much at peace with him there even though I had no clue who or what it was and I felt so safe. I smiled some hearing him chuckle and I put my head back down and held it some, the throbbing was becoming mild now. The strange figure asked me where I was from and I told him that I was staying at a hotel in Midtown on 42nd street. I heard him say, "Well you are far from there aren't you? You shouldn't be out here anyways." I nodded my head some, then I closed my eyes again once more feeling that darkness was taking me over. I woke up back when I felt water being splashed into my face some. I looked around and noticed that I was in Central Park once again. I held my head as I looked around. Clearly I was near lower Central Park where it was close to 42nd street. At first I had no clue on how I got there until I heard the familiar sound of the stranger's voice. "Are you alright?" He asked. I looked around in hopes that I would finally see who had saved me but the figure was hidden in the shadows away from any streetlight or moonlight, near a tree. I could only see a dark silhouette of his body and his face. I smiled some, the pain from my injury had subsided. I told him that I was feeling a lot better but I was wondering on why he stayed to the shadows, why I wasn't able to see him.
I remember even asking him "Well can I at least see you?"
But I was shocked to his reply. "I'm sorry. You can't see me right now. But don't worry I'll follow you back as much as I can to make sure you get back safely."
His reply confused me, but I didn't want to press the issue since he did in fact save my life. But I wanted to see him again and talk with him. I looked down at my watch to see that it was almost 10:30pm, Lea was really going to kill me, and I just hoped she didn't have any cops looking for me. I grew sad knowing that I should be heading back, but yet I wanted to stay with the strange figure. I remember asking him if there was a way I could get into contact with him again soon. He grew quiet from my question, which made me start to dread even asking it. But then he told me to wait and I heard him unzip what appeared to be some kind of bag that he must have had with him. I stood there, wanting to go over to him to finally see him but I respected his request so I stood my ground. There was a minute of silence between the 2 of us till finally he spoke again once more, "Look, I have to be going now. But after I leave, come behind the tree. I left a note for you with information on how to contact me if you should need me again. My brothers are probably wondering where I am, but like I told you, I will follow you back to your hotel as much as I can for I cannot be seen."
His remark confused me even more than I already was, especially his last statement, "..For I cannot be seen." I heard him running away, the sound of grass being ruffled from his feet. I stood there for a few minutes, giving him time to leave, respecting his action. Then I went behind the tree where he stood to find a folded white piece of paper on the ground. I still have this note that he gave me, which said,
If you should ever need me again, go see my friend April. She lives in the apartments in Soho. Building 3A, apartment 25B. Please be careful and have fun in New York City. I'll be watching over you.
Your "Guardian Angel"
I'll never forget that note, it made me smile. But now this part of my story will have to come to a close. I will write more for I have a story to tell you.