Tropical Nightmare- Chapter 19: Struggle (Kate´s POV)
Disclaimer: I don´t own any characters or anything!
Summary: Tony and Kate are sent to Argentina for an undercover mission, but they have to take a detour.They are bound to find out that atropical island can be a real nightmare -at least if you´re on your own out there...
Additional note: I usually don´t write 1st-person narrator, but it seemed to fit rather well for this little story as the POV changes with each chapter.Also, the use of present-tense is wanted here, eventhough it may seem a bit odd. I hope it´s still readable.
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It feels strange to wake up in the morning and see the sun shining in. It feels strange to be taken out for physical therapy every day and struggle to keep up. It feels strange to be alive like this, but I wouldn´t want to miss a second of it, no matter how hard it is. They told me what happened, but I can´t remember a thing. I don´t remember climbing up somewhere, I don´t remember activating a GPRS chip, I don´t remember falling, but I do remember those voices. They told me not to give up, they told me they need me and eventhough I wasn´t sure to whom they belonged, I believed in them.
I open my eyes and look out of the window. It´s much nicer here than in that white ICU room. I don´t exactly know how long I´ve been stuck down there, but if Tony isn´t exaggerating, it must have been a month. It´s mostly him and Gibbs that come to visit me. Abby comes along every few days and Ducky does as well. It´s nice of them to keep me company, but I still wish I could just go home, it´s so boring here, but they won´t let me.
I never realized how difficult some things can become once you forget them. I don´t remember learning to walk when I was a child, but I think I get an idea of how difficult it must be. They have to teach me a lot again, but the doctors still tell me I was lucky. I try to keep up with the work they put on me, but it´s not as easy as I try to make it look. I hide my feelings, I know they are just doing their job. It´s not their body that is in constant pain from the exercises, but I´ve been worse. Since I joined the team at NCIS, I´ve been taken hostage, beaten, shot and stabbed, but it´s completely different from this situation. I don´t expect them to understand.
It´s Tuesday today, I think. That means, it´s another Abby-day. I´m not going by weekdays anymore, I rather go by who is coming by. I like having Abby over, she´s so much fun. Last time she brought in her portable DVD-Player and some movies. I know that those things are not allowed in here, but fortunately nobody noticed. It felt good to get at least some distraction. It´s another 8 hours until she´s coming though. I´ve got another appointment at physical therapy today -another lesson in walking, I guess.
The nurse takes me down there in a wheelchair. I feel like an invalid and just stare down onto the floor until the door of the exercise room closes behind us. Shesmiles at meand leaves. There are no mirrors in this room, I hate looking at myself when I try to walk. It doesn´t look like me. I remember the time before that assignment, before all this happened. I loved dancing, but now I doubt that I could get anything right. My therapist will be here shortly, I don´t want him to see how I feel about all this.
The door opens, but there are two sets of steps today. "Good morning, Miss Todd. Let´s have another go today, shall we?" He says, but there´s an unusual smile in his voice. "I´vegot some help today and I hope you don´t mind." He tells me, but I haven´t seen either of them yet as they are standing behind me. I don´t care if he brought some trainee in or whoever it will be. I just want to get over with this.
A hand is put onto my shoulder and my blood freezes. I still haven´t turned around, but I can sense that I know one of them better than I first thought. "I don´t need no pity from you, Gibbs." I tell him without looking at him. I could tell his presence from a million others without seeing him. I hear how someone is leaving the room. The hand is still there on my shoulder, but I can´t bring myself to look at him. He hasn´t seen me out of bed yet, he hasn´t seen me struggle to hold myself up on to the parallel bars. He doesn´t need to see all that.
He walks around the wheelchair and sits down on a gymnastic ball that´s lying around. I look to the ground, not daring to meet his eyes. I don´t want him to know how scared I am, how much I want to get back to normal, how much I wish for someone to help me through this, how hard all of this is. His hand touches my chin and liftes my head up until I am forced to look at him. "Please, don´t." I plead, but he´s not leaving. His face is not giving away what he´s thinking, but his eyes are like deep wells. I could lose myself in these eyes, but I force myself to look away before that happens.
"Kate." He says and I note how calm his voice sounds. "You can do this, Kate. You just have to believe in yourself." How often have I heard these words over the last weeks? I didn´t care to count, but it´s been often. Everyone keeps telling me this, but what do they know? They don´t know how I feel, even all-knowing-always-getting-it-right Gibbs doesn´t.
"Leave me alone, Gibbs. You don´t know what it´s like, you´re not the one that´s been stuck here for days and weeks. What do you know?" The words are just coming out of me all of the sudden. I´ve never yelled at him before, I never dared and I don´t know what made me do it now. I look back to the floor again, feeling my hands shaking.
I hear the door opening and look over. Suddenly, I regret my behaviour. There´s sorrow in his icy blue eyes and I know I really hurt him. He wanted to help and I pushed him back. It´s too late now, but I wish I had made a different choice. A second can ruin a life, somebody once told me and now I know that´s true. I feel like there is something breaking apart within me when I watch him leave. I want to jump up and run after him, but all I can do is cry. When the door is closing again, I feel hot tears streaming down my face, not from physical pain this time, but the emotional pain is worse than everything.
Tomorrow it will be a week since I´ve pushed him back, but I haven´t heard anything from him. I tried calling, but he´s not answering my calls.Tony is acting weird, too. Every time I ask about Gibbs, he falls silent. My whole body is in pain from the exercises, but there´s finally progress. Steven is satisfied with how I´m doing, I think. I try to ignore the pain, because the pain in my heart is worse than anything the therapy could cause. I can walk short distances rather well and we´re working on my balance now, but it seems to lead somewhere.
I´ve had a talk with my doctors, finally convincing them to release me from the hospital into the care of my friends. Ducky will come by once in a while. He´s the only onewho knows I´m going home.That´s probably why they are willing to let me go in the first place. Tony will come by, as he always does after work on a Monday. I hope he delivered the letter I gave him last Friday, eventhough I doubt it´s going to lead anywhere.I´m not sure how he´ll react when I ask him to take me home, but I hope he´ll be happy for me. I wish Gibbs would come by, too, but he´s still not answering my calls at all. I wish I could turn back time and make a different choice, but life is not like that. It´s hard to admit it to myself, but I miss having him around. It´s not the way I miss Tony when he´s not there, it´s way different somehow.