Author's Note: If you've read any of other fics you probably know that I'm a huge Merry and Pippin fan. There is a RotK movie rumor which I based this ficlet on, this time it's Pippin keeping watch over his cousin at the Houses of Healing. The rumor is, in short terms, that Merry won't wake up by Aragorn's hand but when the Ring is destroyed. Do I believe this will happen in the movie? Probably not. But it made an interesting foundation for this ficlet. More angst than what I've written before, I hope it's not too mushy.

Disclaimer: Based on characters and events created by JRR Tolkien. One thing Pippin says is a rewrite of something he says in the Return of the King, that line also belongs to Tolkien.

All was quiet in the room except for the sound of Pippin breathing in and out. The sound of Merry's breaths could not be heard, they were so faint that often Pippin wondered if they were even there.

His cousin looked dead. His face was white as snow, his lips blue as bluebells and his breaths were so faint that one had to look very hard to see the chest rise and fall to take new air in. Merry was out of reach.

Pippin didn't know how many days had passed since that horrible day when the Rohirrim had arrived at Minas Tirith and liberated the city. Every shred of triumph that Pippin had so proudly felt was gone. It had vanished like Merry's blade after stabbing the Witch King of Angmar. All that was left now was an aching loneliness. He was too tired for tears, too weary for grief. For a moment all emotions had left him but he knew they would soon be back with ten times the force. Merry was gone.

It was something he would never forget, that moment when it became clear that Strider couldn't wake Merry up. It had been so easy with Faramir and Éowyn but Merry didn't respond. Pippin didn't remember much of what he had said and done, all he knew was that he had never been so terrified in his life. And the worst part was, he never got to say goodbye. He and Merry were parted in such a haste and Merry had been too sick when they were reunited. But no matter how sick he was Pippin had been confident that Strider could cure him. Especially when Faramir and Éowyn responded so well. He had refused to believe it at first, Faramir had been under the Shadow far longer than Merry and hadn't Pippin heard so often during his journey that Hobbits were remarkably resistant? He hadn't seen that most of Merry's strength had been spent when he faced his mighty foe and that the Witch King had inserted as much of his evil as he could onto the Hobbit. There was nothing Aragorn could do. Merry was beyond reach, he would either die or become a wraith. Only time would tell.

They had tried to keep him away from Merry. They had said that it was better for him to part with his cousin now and remember him for all the good in him, than to stay and see his cousin slowly fade and possibly become the enemy. But Pippin had proven just how stubborn he could be, and not even the joined forces of Gimli, Legolas and Gandalf had been able to keep him away. So they had allowed him to have his way, and now Pippin wouldn't let anybody into the room. He wanted to cope with his grief alone.

How would he even begin? How would he ever know what to do now? How would he be able to let go when his cousin lingered on, out of reach but not out of sight? And what would he tell aunt Esmeralda and uncle Saradoc? All of their hopes and dreams for the future were lying there on the bed, drifting further away with each minute. And with him went Pippin's life.

The darkness surrounding him somehow felt comforting in his loneliness. He didn't wish to see sunlight or hear birds twitter, he couldn't imagine that it would be as warm and bright when Merry was gone. Somehow it felt like a betrayal of the world around him if there would still be joy in the world when his cousin left. Pippin had a feeling that the sun might shine but it would never again warm his cheek.

Pippin assumed that his whole body was aching. He didn't care enough to notice. He had been sitting on his knees by the bedside for so long now it was almost as if he had frozen in that position. His upper body rested on the bed, his right cheek rested against the quilts that covered his cousin. Pippin's left hand had held on to Merry's right for as long as he had been able to, but the coldness had gotten too intense and was beginning to burn Pippin's hand. Now it gently caressed his cousin's arm which was clad in Gimli's best nightgown.

How long must this go on? How long would they both be able to last? How long before Merry's faint breaths ceased for good, or his eyes opened but with the emptiness of a wraith in them? How long before Pippin fainted with exhaustion and hunger? How long before he would be able to live without his cousin?

Every second of this wake was torture but Pippin feared for it to end. When it did, the worst pain of his life would be there to stay. He couldn't accept that his cousin was gone yet he couldn't allow himself to believe that he would wake up. It was just too painful, that hope would sooner or later drive him mad. He knew what he must do was to take a deep breath, bite down hard and learn to keep balance in life without Merry. Sooner or later he would be forced to come to terms with this loss and to stand on his own two feet, with nobody to lean upon. But not yet. He just couldn't do it yet. Not so long as his cousin still drew breath. He couldn't give up on him and leave him, he owed it to him to be there until the very end. He would wake here for as long as Merry's life lasted. What came after that was a bridge he didn't have the strength to cross right now. How would he ever be able to cross it, when the one who would have carried him over was gone?

Somewhere deep down he knew that life would once again be lived even without his cousin, but he knew that he would never be able to carry on like before. That jesting, funloving, charming Hobbit his companions knew and loved would be no more. He would no longer have a place or a purpose, the one he defined his own life by could not leave without taking most of Pippin with him. And why would he even bother smiling? Who would be there to appreciate his smiles? There was only one person Pippin cared about seeing him smile and to heck with the rest of them. They could not help him now, no more than he could help Merry.

He lifted his head and harked, his throat was completely dry from not having spoken or had anything to drink in so long. He slowly breathed in and out, feeling only empty and cold inside. How painful it was to cherish these moments of torture, knowing that it was the last precious time he had with the one who had always been there. Always, but no more.

"Cousin…" he said with a cracking voice. "I'm so sorry. You've always been there for me. Always helped me out, always saved me from trouble and solved my problems. You've protected me and shielded me… And now I cannot return the favor. I'm sorry."

There was no response. Merry couldn't hear him. Pippin knew this, but it didn't matter. He needed to hear himself speak, to at least once more in life talk to Merry in person. And he wanted to believe that if one voice could reach Merry in whatever darkness he was in, it would be Pippin's.

"They say I should remember you in good ways, not like this" he said. "Believe me cousin, I shall. After all you've meant to me, how could I remember you any other way? You were the calm in the eye of every storm… the glue that held me together when I wanted to fall apart. You made the sun shine brighter and the flowers smell sweeter just by being alive. It's like my senses don't work properly when I'm by myself."

He looked down on his hands and was thankful that he still felt this emptiness. It was dangerous to speak, it could release the flood of emotion he was holding back, but he had to risk it.

"I feel everything much clearer when I'm with you. Perhaps we really are one soul that somehow got spread out over two Hobbits. I've heard twins say that no matter how close they are they are still two, not one. But you are me and I am you, and nothing can change that. Perhaps it will be a comfort to me later, that part of you will live in me. I… I can't feel a thing right now, cousin. You must be very far away. I don't feel anything anymore. My sisters have always talked about how they long to find their soulmate, the person they will love and cherish forever. I've already found mine, you're my soulmate, my kindred spirit. No romantic love can ever mean more to me, no lass could ever take your place or understand me better. Meriadoc I need you."

What did he want to say to Merry? He didn't know. But somehow he knew that he hadn't said it yet. He didn't know how to put his feelings into words, he had never had to before, not with Merry who could read him by looking at him. Pippin would never have a bond like that with anyone else, no matter how long he lived.

"Why do you have to leave me like this? Don't go! Don't take away everything that's real in my life, everything that's good and right! Your parents knew what they were doing when they named you, never has anyone had a more fitting name. Always so Merry… everything merry in this world is for me thanks to you. With you gone I am nothing, I'm a wreckage, a piece of driftwood on a stormy sea. Without hope, without future. I'll be lost when I lose you. How can you leave me, how can you go? I still feel nothing, and it's all because of you, if you were awake I would feel. All my life you've been there, bringing joy and laughter, bringing comfort and security. Always making me feel like Pippin." Then all emotions came back, hitting him like a ton of bricks, and his voice broke under his tears. "But now you're gone there's only pain and nothing I can do. And I don't want to live this life if I can't live for you."

His entire body shook with sobs as he buried his face in the quilts. There was no point anymore. All was lost, he was lonelier than anyone had ever been. For the first time in his life he stood alone, unprotected. Merry would not be there to comfort him.

Gandalf broke Pippin's privacy only when he couldn't wait any longer. They had all decided, Pippin could not go on like this. And they needed every person they could muster for the battle they were riding off to. Gandalf came alone, Aragorn stayed outside the city and Legolas had to stay away to cope. He was an Elf and not used to losing so many people that he loved. Gimli had refused to come since he didn't want to see Pippin and Merry together. He felt like they had lost both Hobbits, Pippin had been beyond anyone's reach since Aragorn failed to resurrect Merry. So Gandalf came alone.

He didn't know for how long Pippin had been kneeled by Merry's bedside but it was far too long. Gandalf made his presence clear and entered the room. Pippin didn't acknowledge him.

"He won't get any better" Gandalf said softly. "There is nothing for you here."

"He's not dead yet."

"Come Peregrin. You've sworn Gondor your allegiance and there has never been a greater need for it than now. Leave Merry now, say goodbye, and help those friends who are still within your grasp."

"It's not right…" Pippin mumbled. "We should die together Merry and I, and since die we both must, why not?"

Suddenly he rose to his feet and within a second had his sword raised above his head. Gandalf reacted quicker than lightning and stopped the hand as soon as it began to let the sword fall.

"No Peregrin!" he said firmly. "You are not like Denethor. You will not kill yourself and you will not kill him. You owe him more than that. You will come with me now and get ready to ride out to battle. You can't help Merry, but you might still be able to help Frodo."

Pippin dropped his sword with a laud gasp. Breathing heavily he backed away from the bed and his face was almost as pale as Merry's. Gandalf repeated his words and Pippin was powerless to disobey.

"Come along" Gandalf said. "Your cousin will be watched over. Let's get you ready to leave."

Pippin obediently turned and headed for the door, but kept his eyes on Merry. His heart was filled with rage now. And determination. If Merry left the world so would Pippin. The sooner he got out to the battlefield the sooner his life would end and he could be with Merry again. He looked at his cousin and the pain stabbed him like a thousand knives to the heart.

"But now you're gone, there's only pain, and nothing I can do. And I don't want to live this life if I can't live for you."

End disclaimer: Those last lines always get to me, I think they're among the most beautiful things ever written about sorrow. Sid Vicious wrote them, to Nancy Spungen after her death. Who would have believed that a person known by the name Vicious would write something so moving? I know he's said to have killed Spungen, personally I don't think he did, but that's a whole other story. These words from his poem kept coming into my head when I wrote this ficlet and I knew I had to include them.

I would love a review! Did you like it, did you not like it? What was good and what can be improved? Was it too mushy? Did it sound too much like the chapter of "Each Passing Year" where Aramac is born? Any other comments? I'm eager to know! =)