Yea, I know that I posted only three days ago but I wanted to give you guys a Christmas present (or present for whatever you celebrate). I hope you like it, this is the longest chapter I've written so far, and they just keep getting longer. I'm sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, I couldn't get Gracy to Beta it and I'm really tired. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't own FMA or demented mistletoe. They belong to the talented Hiromu Arakawa and the brilliant authors of The Shoebox Project. And Diana helped me come up with the title for the chapter, Jamie helped (in a sense), and Gracy helped with gift ideas.
EnvyEd… in a sense.
Chapter Four: Secret Santa FMA StyleGracy: /singing/ Deck the halls /joined by Jamie, Diana, and Rosie/ with kerosene, fa la la la la la la la la! Light a match and watch it gleam, fa la la la la la la la la! See the blazing hells before us, fa la la la la la la la ohhh! Strike a match and burn the chorus, fa la la la la la la la BOOM!
Diana: TM
Jamie: R
Rosie: C
Gracy: What's R mean?
Jay-jay: /randomly appears/ I think it's reserved rights. /disappears/
Everyone else: O.o Who was that?
Rosie: My very special stepsister.
Everyone else: WTF? What was that song?
Diana: It's our Christmas carol.
Gracy: We- being Rosie; Diana's sister, Satsu; Shika; and I- perfected what my cousin and I started.
Rosie: Yea, and it used to be 'See the blazing home before us' but Shika changed it or heard it wrong.
Gracy: Wouldn't surprise me, we were in gym class.
Jamie: I'm bored…
Roy: Let's do Secret Santa.
Wrath: Presents!
Envy: What?
Riza: We draw someone's name out of a bag, don't tell anyone who it is, and buy him or her something.
Envy: That it?
Ed: And you have to give the gift to whomever you picked.
Envy: oh…
Wrath: Who has paper and a pen?
Diana & Rosie: I do/pull out pen and paper/
Everyone: /blink, blink/
Crickets: chirp chirp.
Gracy: /grabs Rosie's pen and Diana's notebook/ Okay… Who has neat handwriting?
Rosie: I have the neatest handwriting of the Murderers. ((A/N: The Murderers is an idea that Gracy had (never leave her alone with her brain; scary things happen). The Murderers are sisters of the Marauders and they consist of Gracy, Jamie, Diana, and me.))
Envy: Wrath's is the neatest of the homunculi.
Jean: Riza has the neatest of everyone else.
Jamie: How neat is Wrath's handwriting?
Envy: Not as neat as Riza's but close, and not as curly.
Riza: It doesn't matter.
Roy: Why?
Riza: Because Rosie is already writing down names.
Gracy: Nice, Rosie. Have you ever heard of patience?
Rosie: What's patience? What is this foreign word you speak of?
Diana: Never mind.
Rosie: Who has a hat?
Everyone: /looks around and shakes head/
Rosie: Well, let's see: we could put it in my book bag, steal a hat from the uniform room, or Ed could transmute a hat.
Ed: Why not Roy?
Rosie: Because he would set things on fire.
Ed: Let's use your book bag then.
Diana: Here ya go. /throws it to Ed/
Rosie: Okay. /begins pulling things out and is finished two seconds later (ed is still holding the bag)/
Gracy: Wow, it would take me forever to empty my bag.
Rosie: I win!
Jean: Do you even have all you need for school?
Rosie: Yea! Alg. II workbook, Spanish I workbook, band folder and my binder is everything. And, unlike Gracy's, it weighs less than 10 lbs.!
Gracy: I know. My bag eats things.
Riza: /puts names in bag and takes it away from Ed/ Okay, let's draw the names-
Roy: From shortest to tallest.
Ed, Wrath, Rosie, & Jamie: Hey!
Jean: Deal with it.
Wrath: /pulls out name and looks at it, evil smirk/
Jamie: /pulls out name, looks at it and laughs/
Rosie: /pulls out name and looks at it/ Yes!
Ed: /pulls out name and looks at it/ Not her!
Envy: /pulls out name and looks at it/ This'll be fun/smirks/
Gracy: /pulls out name, looks at it, puts it back, pulls out name, looks at it, puts it back, pulls out name, looks at it, puts it back/ I kept getting my name.
Jamie: /looks at her paper, mutters/ Liar.
Gracy: /pulls out name and looks at it and keeps it/
Diana: /pulls out name and looks at it/
Riza: /pulls out name and looks at it/
Roy: /pulls out name and looks at it/
Jean: /pulls out name and looks at it/ What am I supposed to get him?
Rosie: Oi, Envy!
Envy: What?
Rosie: Come here.
Gracy: What are you doing, Rosie?
Rosie: I'm going to ask him some questions.
Gracy: Whatever. /starts looking through the bags the class brought earlier/
Jean: /pacing room/ What do I get him?
Riza: Rosie, come here for a second.
Rosie: yes.
Riza: Where's the nearest drug store?
Rosie: Umm… /draws a map/ here. /points to blue dot/
Riza: Thank you. /leaves/
Rosie: /grabs Envy and goes in the hallway/ You don't have my name, right?
Envy: No.
Rosie: Who do you have?
Envy: The flame bastard.
Rosie: I have Ed. I have and idea of what to give him… I just need your help.
Envy: fine, you can help me with Roy.
Rosie: The Flame Alchemist /starts skipping down the halls/ Hey, how about this. /points to something on the wall/
Envy: /smirks/ that's perfect!
Wrath: Diana!
Diana: Yes Wrath.
Wrath: What should I get Rosie?
Gracy: I know what you should give her. /hands him a gift bag/
Diana: /goes to some random plant store/
Jean: Gracy.
Gracy: Yeah.
Jean: What should I get him/shows Gracy paper/
Gracy: I don't know, he's a kid and… I don't know.
(A/n: OMFG my stepsister has got Mellow Yellow in her eye.)
Jean: /thinks/ I think I've got it/goes to the textiles classroom/
Roy: /sleeping in a corner/
Ed: /wanders into band room/
Mrs. Clayton: What are you doing?
Ed: Ummmm… Mrs. Jones sent me to get.
Mrs. Clayton: Oh. What did she want?
/A violinist falls asleep and two viola's poke each other with the bows/
Mrs. Clayton: Stop hitting each other!
Ed: /slips into uniform room, looks around for something/ um, what's this? Marching band uniforms /reads names/ Laurette Goodwin, no, Laurette Wilson, Marleen Warrior /falls and gets eaten by the uniform bags, reappears two hours later/ okay, wow! Soda! More sugar/backs up and knocks over some hat boxes/ Ouch/jumps up/ That does it! I hate this room! I'll just get something from that brown circular thing and give it to her.
Jamie: /goes on the slow school computer/ Ohhh! I'll get her that and that. /prints something out and orders something else/
Dumbledore: So you want to borrow some mistletoe?
Gracy: Yay! Demented mistletoe!
Dumbledore: /smiles with the whole twinkle in his eyes that he's always described with/ (A/N: spoiler for Half-Blood Prince OMFG, he came back to life!)
Six hours later
Rosie: Okay! I want to go first/winks at Gracy who is holding something behind her back/ Ed, here you go/hands a small box to Ed/
Ed: um… thanks. /opens box and sees a small black kitten with purple eyes/ um…
Gracy: /holds stick with mistletoe over Ed and the cat, who has changed to Envy/
Demented Mistletoe: DECK THE HALLS WITH KEROSENE! FA LA LA LA LA! KISS HIM NOW! (A/N: yet again, I do not own.)
Ed: O.O What?
Envy: /smirks/ You heard it Ed. We have to kiss.
Ed: No way…
Demented Mistletoe: IF YOU DON'T THEN THE AUTHORESS'LL…I don't know what she'd do.
Rosie: /puppy dog eyes/ For me Ed, please.
Diana: /glomps Rosie/ Ed, kiss Envy!
EnvyEd fans: Kiss already!
Envy: /leans in and kisses Ed/
Ed: /struggles, then breaks free/
Envy: Chibi…
Ed: Umm… /blushes/ This is for you, Jamie/shoves the gift bag in her face/
Jamie: Really/opens bag/ OMG!
Rosie: What is it?
Jamie: A plume/pulls it out/ …from the uniform room…
Rosie, Diana, & Gracy: No fair! I want a plume!
Jamie: /sticks out tongue/ well too bad!
Diana: No fair!
Rosie: /twitch/
Gracy: Jamie, remember, you can't touch the plume with your bare hands.
Jamie: What?
Rosie: That's right. Otherwise it'll turn yellow and green.
Diana: Then it'll be black, yellow, and green… wait…
Rosie: /smirk/ Happy!
Jean: What?
Diana: We have color codes for anime characters.
Rosie: Who's next?
Diana: I am/pulls out a palm tree/ For Envy!
Envy: /twitch, twitch, twitch/ WHO ARE YOU CALLING A FREACKIN' HAWAIIN PALM TREE!
Ed: /blink, blink/ Wow, he sounds like me when certain idiots coughRoycoughRussellcough (four hours later) coughPsirencoughDianacoughGracycough call me short. Umm… guys, did you fall asleep?
Bell: BBRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!
Everyone: /jumps, everyone but Ed is now full awake/
Riza: /shoots bell/
Jamie: Well, um, so… who already got their presents?
Ed: Me.
Envy: /glares at Diana/ Me.
Rosie: Come on Envy. The palm tree wasn't that bad. I'm sure we could find a use for it.
Jamie: /waves plume/ And I've got mine! So who's next?
Jean: Why don't you give yours next?
Jamie: Okay. /pulls out sparkly purple bag/ For Gracy.
Gracy: Pretty. /plays with bag/
Ed: Open it!
Gracy: /pulls out a pink dress, more specifically a replica for the dress Hermione/Emma Watson wears in GOF/ You gave me the pink pineapple dress /picture falls out of dress/ and a picture of Daniel Radcliff as Harry Potter with blue eyes. They're green! And the dress is supposed to be blue! And they combined strait with fluffy/frilly and it looks like a pineapple. /grabs a green Sharpie and colors in Dan's eyes/ They're green now!
Rosie: um… Diana?
Diana: /knocks Gracy unconscious/
Roy: Finally, some peace and quiet. My turn. This is for you Hawkeye. /hands her a miniature doll replica of herself in the military uniform, wearing a miniskirt/
Riza: Colonel, how long have you had this doll?
Roy: Umm… that's not relative to-
Jean: He's had that since you were placed under his command.
Riza: That is as close as you'll ever get to seeing me, or any female officer in the military for that matter, in a miniskirt.
Diana: Ouch.
Roy: I will become Fuhrer and then
Everyone else: /bored monotone voice/ all female officers will be required to wear tiny miniskirts.
Riza: Here's your present 2nd Lt. Havoc. /hands him a bag of gum and some patches/
Diana: Did she give him birth control patches?
Everyone else: O.o
Gracy: /wakes up/ Oh yes, Diana, Riza gave Jean birth control because we have to worry about him getting pregnant.
Diana: You never know.
Rosie: Diana, Havoc is NOT getting pregnant in my fic nor am I writing anymore than a kissing scene between Envy and Ed, got it? If I did, it would be a different fic.
Everyone: /blink/
Diana: please…
Wrath: I want my present now! Please, I've been really good and kept quiet all this time.
Rosie: I'm sorry! You really haven't had many lines in this chapter.
Wrath: Not really.
Diana: Who had Wrath's name?
Jean: I did. Here you go kid. /hands Wrath a teal and purple stress ball/
Gracy: You bought him a stress ball?
Jean: I made it.
Roy: Nice.
Jean: I thought I was helping. His name's Wrath so I thought he might need help with some stress.
Wrath: /throws it in the air a few times, then throws it at Envy's head/
Envy: /catches it and starts a game of hot potato in which Ed is the winner of/
Ed: Yay! I won/pause/ Now what?
Riza: You choose who gets their gift next.
Ed: Okay… Who's left?
Roy: Diana, Rosie, and I have not gotten our gifts.
Ed: I think it's the authoress' turn next.
Wrath: Okay/runs to a corner, grabs a bag and runs back, handing it to Rosie/ Here ya go Rosie-san.
Rosie: Thank you. /pulls out peach ice cream and Gracy's persuasive speech/ 'Why the HP Books are Better than the Movies.' No, not the speech. So. Much. Grammatical. Errors. Must. Fix. /grabs pen and fixes speech, despite the fate Gracy already turned it in/
Gracy: I'm next. /British accent/ Happy Christmas, Diana/gives her a plate of Chips Ahoy cookies and a glass of milk/
Diana: /glare/ Grace Chandria Lupin!
Gracy: /flinch/ No, no Grace! It's Gracy! Gracy!
Ed: I hate milk.
Wrath: /eating the cookies/ What's wrong with cookies and milk?
Diana: Jamie-
Jamie: I didn't do it!
Diana: A trombone player I sat next to in 8th grade.
Roy: Fascinating. I want my gift now!
Envy: /smirk/ Rosie!
Rosie: Finished correcting Gracy's horrible grammar.
Gracy: Some of those sentences had ten commas. I WIN MESSR. OBBSESSED WITH SMALL DOTS! (That is from Shoebox)
Rosie: Yes Envy?
Gracy: She ignored me!
Envy: Roy's gift.
Rosie: /evil smirk/ I'll get it/runs to the girls bathroom, where she hid it earlier/
Roy: What is it?
Jamie: I've a bad feeling about this.
Rosie: /comes back/ Here ya go. /hand gift to Roy/
Roy: Yay/tries to unwrap it/
Diana: What did you do to it Envy?
Envy: I didn't wrap it that was Rosie.
Roy: /10 minutes later is holding a…/ A fire extinguisher?
Everyone else: /starts laughing/
Ed: It's in case you ever loose control of your alchemy.
Riza: Let's soak your gloves before you burn all the paper work, claiming that you were picking up after Ed. (A/N: slight reference to a part in Diana's fic A Sin in Girls Clothing. If you like EnvyEd pairings you should read it.)
Roy: /glare/ If you don't stop I'll burn you all to a crisp.
Rosie: Hip Hip Hooray for me, you talk to me, but would you kill me in my sleep?
Roy: What?
Rosie: It's a line from the song 'It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish' by My Chemical Romance.
Vikki: /appears/ I want a Christmas gift!
Diana: Of course /runs to the bags of food and pulls out a jar of mayonnaise/ Here you go Vik!
Vikki: It's cat lard! Animal fat! You'll die of a heart attack! You know I'm anti-mayo!
Wrath: Who are you?
Vikki: I AM EVERYONE'S NIGHTMARE COME TRUE!
Wrath: Really? Cool! I ate Diana's gift. /jumps up and down/
Vikki: Awesome! So, what's up h-
Envy: We're ending the chapter.
Diana: What did I say at the end of the last chappy, Rosie decides.
Rosie: I'm ending it now, this took up 11 pages while writing if you count the front and back a two, not to mention, I'm tired. /starts eating the ice cream Wrath gave her/ Eww! This is peach! I hate peach!
Ed: Read and Review, you should know the drill by now.
Author's Note: If you were wondering what Havoc got, it was the stuff to help you stop smoking, I can't spell the names of any brands that come to mind right now. Whew! I hope you liked it I worked hard to get it out the 24th.