Alrighty, I wrote this for the fanfiction contest on link and luigi's website. The theme/challenge/guideline/whatever was "The worst moment of any Naruto character's life."
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
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Naruto fumbled in his pockets, coming out empty-handed. "Heeeeey. Sasuke!"
Sasuke didn't reply verbally, he just raised his left eyebrow, expecting Naruto to elaborate further. Naruto missed the gesture, forcing Sasuke to ask, "What?"
"Help me with the campfire," demanded Naruto, gesturing to a pitiful mound of leaves and twigs arranged in a carefully grass-free circle of bare dirt. "I forgot the matches."
"What do you want me to do about it? You're the one who felt the need for a campfire," pointed out Sasuke.
"And you're the one who feels the need for a mission to kill Itachi!" retorted Naruto, jumping to his feet and pointing a dramatically accusing finger at Sasuke. "Just use one of those fire moves and light the fire!"
Sasuke frowned. "Use one of my fire moves - one of the combat techniques, handed down through the generations of my family, as the marker of an Uchiha's ascension to ninjahood - to light your campfire?"
Naruto nodded and grinned. "Yup."
Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Naruto as if he'd just declared himself Itachi's right hand man, or something equally heinous. "These ninja techniques are for battle only. I am not going to trivialize family tradition by using them for such a banal purpose."
"But... what about the fire?" Naruto's lower lip trembled. "I brought marshmallows..."
Sakura jumped up from where she had been sitting uselessly until this point and walloped Naruto over his spiky blond head. "Shut up, Naruto! Sasuke doesn't want a stupid campfire and neither do I!" she declared, hoping that her bold announcement would make Sasuke would realize just how very much they had in common. "So just... shut up!"
Sasuke sighed, got up from his comfortable seat on the ground, and located two sticks. Then he moved into a crouch by the fire-less fire pit. "This is the proper way to make a fire," he said, rubbing the two sticks together in demonstration.
"Oooooh, Sasuke, you're the best!" squealed Sakura, clasping her hands over her chest in adoration. Meanwhile, Naruto whipped out a notepad and started taking notes on correct fire preparation.
------------two hours later...------------
"And that's how it's done," concluded Sasuke, painstakingly adding small twigs and branches to the tiny blaze he'd created. He looked up expectantly, only to find Naruto sprawled out asleep on the ground, snoring, while Sakura gazed off into the distance with a glazed look in her eyes.
Sasuke gave an inaudible groan and turned to leave the campsite momentarily so as to relieve himself. He'd concealed himself behind a large tree and his hand was almost to his zipper when he heard a suspicious noise in the underbrush that he'd just walked through. He pulled a kunai from his pouch and whirled to face whatever might be threatening his 'personal time.'
"Hi, Sasuke!" chirped Sakura, giving him a closed-eyes smile.
"Sakura..." began Sasuke uneasily. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, well," Sakura's too-large smile persisted. "I was just, um, you know... wondering where you were going, and..." she trailed off.
Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Maybe you should go back to camp, and go to sleep."
Sakura looked surprised for a moment, and then gave him a fond grin. "Oh, Sasuke, you must not have known since you were away for three years, but..."
"But what?" inquired Sasuke.
"In the three years that you've been gone, I've ascended as a higher being and no longer require sleep!" informed Sakura gleefully.
"Is that even possible?" Without noticing, Sasuke continued brandishing the sharp metal kunai in front of him.
"Sure! It's one of Tsunade's mystical techniques that she can still somehow manage to teach me without ever being sober for more than thirty consecutive minutes! Isn't that great?"
"You know, Sakura, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for a long time," said Sasuke suddenly.
"I love you too!" exclaimed Sakura. "... I mean, what is it?"
Sasuke backed up another step and a half; twigs now stuck uncomfortably into the small of his back. "I never had the words to say this to you before... but your personality sparkles like the jumpsuit of an Elvis impersonator."
Sakura beamed. "Thanks!" Whatever that means...
"I'm going go back to camp now," informed Sasuke, circling to the right of Sakura - giving her a wide berth in case she decided to try anything.
"Okay," agreed Sakura, following after him. "You can go to sleep if you want. I'll keep watch!" she volunteered, clenching one fist in a dramatic manner.
Sasuke nodded. However, when he got back he arranged his sleeping bag against a tree and settled himself in cross-legged. He closed his eyes but elected not to fall asleep. After all, Sasuke thought, if you want something done right, you can't trust it to incompetent teammates. At least, the saying went something like that...
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Morning dawned bright and early, but not in the good sense. The reunited Team Seven felt sticky, dirty, and all around uncomfortable (with the possible exception of the hygienically-impaired Naruto) and the unhindered rays of the sun only contributed to their general discomfort.
Sasuke, in particular, felt the effects of the morning: Naruto had slept for a full nine hours, and Sakura of course felt no need for mortal activities such as sleep. (Or possibly Tsunade gave her drugs. We only have her word for it, after all.) Sasuke, on the other hand, had indeed spent the entire night with senses on red alert. Therefore, come morning he was grouchy, exhausted, and red-eyed - not the sharingan, just very, very bloodshot.
Sakura ran a hand through her hair. "How do I look?" she queried in Sasuke's general direction.
Before Sasuke could even begin to think about dignifying that with a response, Naruto jumped in. "You look like an unwashed sidewalk bum!" he replied, jovially nudging her with his elbow.
Sasuke turned his head. He really didn't need to see this...
... Again.
"Sakura! Ow, ow, ow... ow! I'm sorry!"
------------three days later...------------
"We are now at the last known location of Uchiha Itachi!" announced Naruto in his 'outdoor' voice - to Sasuke and Sakura, as well as any potential occupants of the surrounding two-hundred meters of forest.
"Shut up, Naruto!" hissed Sakura. "You probably just alerted the entire forest and Itachi of our presence and location!" she informed, her voice rising in power until it rivaled the volume of Naruto's.
Four nights sans sleep chose this moment to catch up with Sasuke and with a twitch of an eyebrow he exploded. "Shut... up!"
Naruto and Sakura turned back to Sasuke aghast.
"Now, even I think that was a little uncalled for, Sasuke," chided Sakura in saccharine tones.
Sasuke crossed his arms and turned his back without a word, fuming.
"Was that who I think it is?"
A cheery, sing-song voice came from beyond the surrounding forest, just out of eyeshot. The three ninjas whirled in the direction of the disembodied voice as Itachi himself materialized through the underbrush.
"I knew it! Little brother!" greeted Itachi. "And... friends of my little brother!" he guessed. He spread his arms wide and went in for a group hug.
Oh, god. He's attacking already. Sasuke dodged, then looked to his teammates. Sakura had climbed a tree with only her feet, and hid behind one of the larger branches. Naruto had made many, many kage bunshins which Itachi was defeating without even looking.
It's all up to me, Sasuke realized. Gathering his chakra to his mouth, he released his favorite attack in a billowy cloud of flame.
Itachi stepped to the left, avoiding the ball of fire (which proceeded to hit the tree Sakura was hiding in, burning through the trunk and causing the tree to topple to the ground with a mighty crash).
Itachi shot Sasuke a look of horror, then grabbed him by the upper arm and marched out of the clearing with a bewildered Sasuke in tow. In the meantime, Sakura was still pinned under the tree, while Naruto had used up all of his chakra on his kage bunshins and lay motionless on the ground. Well, Kyuubi commented snidely in his mind, if you're gonna be that stupid with your chakra, don't expect me to help.
"Let go of me," hissed Sasuke, attempting to pull his arm from Itachi's grip.
Itachi ignored his request. "Look," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, "I need to explain something to you before you disgrace yourself any further."
"What!" demanded Sasuke, continuing to struggle against Itachi's death grip.
Itachi sighed. "I don't know any other way to explain this... mangekyou sharingan!"
Sasuke screamed.
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Dozens of Uchihas milled around the family compound, their activity centered around the main square and a festive attitude permeating the air. "Light it! Light it!" urged men, women, and children as the attention shifted to a massive pile of sticks and kindling in the middle of the square.
Finally, the clan headman strutted up, forming some seals. "Goukakyuu no Jutsu!" bellowed the man in a deep, powerful voice.
The crowd cheered as the stack of wood went up in flames, and several matronly Uchiha women brought some skewers of meat up to the bonfire and started them roasting.
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Sasuke was released from Itachi's jutsu and he stumbled forward with a gasp.
Itachi looked down on him sorrowfully. "Did that explain things to you, little brother? Those fire moves... well, they were never intended for combat. They're cooking jutsus."
"But... Father..." insisted Sasuke weakly.
"... Thought that it was a great joke," Itachi finished for him. "I'd know better than anyone," he added, "Since I was the first one to be the butt of that particular prank." Itachi shook his head, chuckling. "Yeah, the old man had a crazy sense of humor."
Sasuke glared.
"I just wish there'd been time for him to explain it to you," said Itachi wistfully. "But you know what they say: don't spend your time regretting what might have been."
Sasuke opened his mouth, but no words would come.
"Well, I'd best be off now," declared Itachi, cheerful once again. He swished his cape and disappeared in a flash of light and sparkly chakra, leaving Sasuke slumped on the ground, shell-shocked.
"Sasuke!"
"Sasuke!"
Sasuke gave a twitch in the general direction of Naruto and Sakura's voices as they thundered into sight.
"Where is he? Did he beat you?" demanded Naruto, looking around frantically.
"Are you alright?" inquired Sakura. "Do you need me to heal your wounds? 'Cause I can heal anything," she said, nodding. "Do you have chest injuries? Here, let me take off your shirt -"
"I'm fine," assured Sasuke, scooting a bit in the opposite direction.
"Where's Itachi?" asked Naruto again, doing his best impression of tough and fearless.
Sasuke scowled. "He got away."
"Oh, that's too bad, Sasuke," cooed Sakura, motioning to put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
Sasuke dodged and added, "Let's go home. I feel the need to train."
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AN: Well, if you're reading this, I hope you enjoyed it. Any comments or suggestions to improve my writing would be appreciated...