1All the events that evening had made me ill. I had gone out onto the fire escape after dinner and was just sitting and looking up at the sky. I could feel a soft breeze blowing against my cheek. An odd mixture of odors filled my nose. I sighed; I missed the clean country air of my home. It seemed like forever sense I had been there and I knew now it would be longer. I have to figure out what Leonardo meant by the words he had spoken to me.
Where I had been so certain, so torn apart by what I had seen. Now doubt was creeping inside. Doubt that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I had been looking at the whole event through eyes clouded by passion rather then sense. Maybe I was just acting like the typical stupid jealous girl, maybe I didn't even deserve an explanation from Leo.
I laid my head down on my knees, staring across the street at cars moving slowly by. In the background I heard Casey's phone ringing, but my head didn't even turn. I keep replaying that one moment in my mind over and over again. The one where Leonardo started to talk about love, then Casey had cut him off. Some small part inside of me, really hoped that maybe he had been talking about loving me. Common sense told me that it didn't seem possible when he had such an amazing "friend" already, why would Leonardo find any interest in being involved with someone like myself? I sighed.
I stomped my left foot down hard, growling softly. Furious with myself for once again moping and losing sight of what really mattered. I was putting myself down again, I know I shouldn't. I know I am not that bad of a person, so why do I keep tearing myself apart. Softly I laid my head back down. I knew the answer without thought. Because I loved him. I loved Leo so deeply by now that I had lost all meaning of common sense. I was running blindly on passion and it was making me stupid.
"Hey, Lea?" Casey made me jump about a foot in the air as he leaned out the window. I turned, studying his expression, it was tense. I suddenly remembered the phone ringing.
"Yeah, Casey, what's up?" I turned to him curious. Almost dreaded what could be going on after the night I had already had.
"Melinda called," Casey slid out the window and flopped down next to me. "She had a favor to ask of us… a pretty big favor." He was studying my expression, Casey looked so serious I knew something was about to happen.
"What did she want, Casey?" I fidgeted nervous by the way this conversation was going.
"She wants us to come down to the lair tonight, she wants Leo and I to make amends and I think, she maybe wants you to talk to him." He shrugged. I could see he was interested in how I would react to this. I was surprised Casey cared that much, but then again it was weird we were getting very comfortable together, very much like family. I was really beginning to think of the big goof ball like my stupid older brother.
"Oh…" I hesitated, uncertain what to think. I bit my lip, nervous tension surging through me, but deep down inside I knew this was what I needed. To express myself to Leonardo, to be able to openly discuss everything with him again. The only way I could ever heal was to share everything with him. "I want to go Casey." My voice trembled, but my expression was strong. I had my convictions behind my decision.
"You sure, Lea? Cause if you don't want to, no one is making you." He gave me an uncertain look. I could see he was afraid I was pushing myself too much, trying to solve all my problems too quickly. I knew I had to do this. I had to rid myself of all the doubts eating within me or else I would never rest.
"Yes I want to do this, Casey." My resolve showed. "I need this." I looked up at him, hoping maybe he understood. He nodded slowly; I could almost see his thought process working as he took in everything I was telling him.
"Well I will go with you. I need to talk to Leo anyway, he and I, we really mixed bad words back there and well… I don't like leaving things like that unresolved." Casey looked so serious, it was almost amusing. He was not a very serious kind of guy. I nodded, trying not to smirk. I was glad he wanted to make up with Leo rather then continue the feud. The last thing I wanted was to cause fights between anyone.
Casey and I grew silent, both watching the city. I was lost in my own thought and apparently he was tumbling around in his. I wondered what I could say to Leonardo now. I had actually told him I hated him. I felt so stupid. I knew that wasn't true. I didn't loath him, I simply wanted some sort of explanation, one that would take away the pain encased within my heart.
I owned him an explanation for freaking out on him. For running away like I did. It's just I had a lot issues in my life that didn't even involve him, but seeing Leo with the Asian woman had reflected times in my past when I had been betrayed and that had set off the viscous chain of events. I had to talk to him. I would have to open my heart up to him and be honest. I sighed. I saw Casey looking at me out of the corner of my eye as I laid my head back down on my knees. I didn't know if I was ready to open up my heart to another man again.
"Lea… you sure you wanna do this?" Casey sounded very different then I had ever heard him. He sounded so solemn. I could tell he was honestly worried about me. I turned my head, it still resting in my lap to look up at him.
"I know its what I need to do, because honestly I do want to talk to him. In most cases like this, I would be ready to just turn my back and walk away. I wouldn't want to deal with all the pain and turmoil, but Leonardo, he seems worth it somehow." Casey was looking at me surprised. I watched as he smiled very softly.
"Leo's going to be a really lucky guy you know that? I mean once you tell him all this. But you know it's gonna be tough for you Lea, Leo… he's kinda weird and hard to understand sometimes. He talks about a lot of bushi-do-do stuff that makes no sense. So you'll have to be patient with him." Casey nodded. I smiled, returning the gesturing and trying not to laugh. Casey looked so adorable trying so hard to give advice.
"I kind of understand where he is coming from with Bushido, Casey. I have read up on it myself." I smirked a little. Casey looked at me surprised.
"Really? Why?" I looked out at the city again, considering my answer.
"Because honestly Casey I am sick of the way people treat each other now-a-days. Everyone is so selfish and abusive, it disgusts me. I was just looking for something to believe in. Something that has morals and honesty to it."
I was surprised as Casey patted my head, his big hand messing up my hair. "You're a good kid, Lea, you need to talk to Leo. He needs you." Casey stood… I turned back to him surprised by his wording, but he said no more. He started to step back in the window. "We'll leave in 15 minutes, okay?" He was gone.
I was nervous as we were approaching the warehouse entrance to the lair. All the strength I had built up over the last few hours started to leave me. Doubt started to once again creep in. I tried not to show it. I tried to not let Casey see me worrying, but I noticed him looking at me with question and I knew I had to be blatant with my feelings if even he could read them.
"Don't worry…" I looked up at Casey as we walked. "I know I said a lot of bad things about Leo before, but I was angry, honestly he's a good guy. He will hear you out and stuff." Casey smiled trying to reassure me. I sighed, nodded trying to find some sort of inner core of certainly.
"No matter what happens, Casey, I have to deal with this. I can't run away." We were at the warehouse. I could see Casey looking at me with respect. I knew out of everything bad that had come out of this situation, I had gained a very honest friend in Casey and for that I was grateful. He might not be the brightest man in the world, but he had a good heart and sometimes, people that would tell you the truth about yourself were the most difficult to find.
Everyone was waiting in lair as we entered. My eyes immediately fell on Melinda and Don. Both seemed well. Don seemed to be recovering rather quickly. He was sitting at his computer he turned as the elevator door opened. Melinda was next to him; she was leaning over the computer looking at something with Don. His hand was resting lightly on her side, and the two of them looked very comfortable together. A state I hadn't seen between them yet. I felt myself smile softly. Melinda seemed to be doing much better.
Raphael was scowling from the couch. I tried not to focus on him for too long. I knew if I allowed him too he would put me on the edge and make me tense. A lot of the time I felt so much negative energy from Raph. He was the type of person I simply didn't understand.
Mike was next to Raph. He smiled brightly when he saw us enter. He had been watching something on TV, but promptly flipped it off and turned his attention our way. I wasn't certain if his actions were out of respect or because he thought whatever we did would be more interesting then what he was watching, but either way, I was grateful for it. I smiled at Mike and looked down a little. It was strange I had barely been gone, but it felt like I hadn't seen anyone in forever.
Sensei was in his favorite chair. He was drinking tea. His head rose as Casey and I entered and he looked straight at me. His gaze knew. I wondered what he was thinking. His head turned and I followed his gaze to Leonardo, who was sitting in the lotus position on the floor in front of him. It was obvious the two of them had been talking. Leonardo's gaze met mine, I felt us both look away. My stomach flip-flopped. I had felt so ready to speak to him, to have an open honest discussion. Now that I saw him I was so consumed by a nervous tension, it became hard to breath.
Casey stepped forward first. "Yeah, so we came like you asked us to Melinda." He glanced around the room. I watched as all eyes turned to Melinda. It was then I got the impression that not everyone knew we would be coming. I felt my gaze move back to Leo. He was looking at me, his expression made my heart hurt. It was so sad. I watched as he looked between Casey and I, without thought I stepped away from Casey. I think our line of communication had become so frazzled that we were both completely confused about the other.
Melinda and Don exchanged looks, I smiled when I saw Don squeeze Mel's hand gently. He was trying to reassure her. They HAD grown close in the short time I had been gone. Melinda smiled at him. "Well, everything had been so crazy, I was hoping maybe if we all got together we could resolve some of this." She looked around the room hopefully. I felt myself shift nervously. I suddenly felt very guilty. I wasn't sure if I should or shouldn't actually feel that way. In my mind I hadn't actually done anything wrong, but it was also obvious to me that I had hurt Leo. At first I had been so wounded I hadn't cared, but now, as I slowly started to see other things. As realizations were hitting me I was beginning to wish I hadn't said a lot of the things that I had and that maybe I hadn't been so rash.
Splinter, nodded looking between Leonardo and I again. I looked down. I was unable to hold his gaze. "Yes, Melinda, that does sound like a very wise idea. I think maybe though that it would profit more if we all were not here. Sometimes it is hard to discover the truth when there are so many people to interpret it. Maybe Donatello, you should take Melinda and Michelangelo into the kitchen to start our dinner and Raphael, you should take Casey above so the two of you can talk?" While he was asking a question, it at the same time seemed very much like a command. Leonardo and I exchanged looks. Neither of us hearing our names mentioned. Both of us knowing what Splinter had in mind.
"Yes, Sensei." Don stood without question and nudged Melinda gently. She seemed to hesitate for a moment looking at me, but finally followed Don, the two of them staying close. Whining, Mike too rose from the couch and followed. I think he was nosey and really just wanted to see what would happen.
Raph growled, springing up. "Come on, Lunk Head, doesn't look like we are welcome here." He stomped across the room and towards Casey.
"Casey?" I heard Leo speak and turned back toward him surprised. "No hard feelings between us right?" Leonardo looked so earnest. I smiled softly.
Casey nodded. "Yeah, Leo, we're good, just loosen up, huh? You're always so tense." He smirked at Leo and I watched the Turtle look at him slightly baffled. Raphael groaned and pushed Casey, sending the other man stumbling.
"Oh you're going to pay for that, Gak Face!" Casey jumped back at him playfully.
"You gonna make me?" Raphael smirked and the two exited still slinging insults. Things at least seemed right with the two of them now. Splinter cleared his throat once again garnering all the attention.
"I will also take my leave. I have some things I need to read up upon." He bowed his head and turned, walking away. Leonardo and I watched him go until his room door shut behind him. Alone suddenly Leo and I both froze. I could feel the tension hot the air. Neither of us ready to speak first.
I shifted, trying to think of something meaningful to say, to break the ice. "You can sit down if you want, you may be more comfortable." Leonardo spoke before me. I looked up and he was gesturing towards the couch. I felt myself freeze. It was the same place I had seen him with her, vivid memories came rushing back. Tears flooded my eyes that I couldn't stop. I shook my head mutely like a child might.
"Lea…" Leonardo's tone was concerned, but strong. "What is going on? If you won't share with me what you are thinking, we are never going to solve anything." His arms were crossed now, his head tilted, he was expecting an answer.
My mind went back over everything I had thought. Every intelligent sounding explanation that I had come up with and at the moment all of them felt hollow. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment. My heart was pounding. I knew what I had to say. I steeled myself.
"You hurt me, Leonardo. I cannot deny that fact. You tore my insides apart. You made me unable to live with myself, but all of that happened…" My eyes lifted and meet his expression. It was unreadable at the moment, listening. "I allowed all of that to happen to me, because…well…" I wanted to say it, I wanted to tell him how I felt about him so badly, it was nearly tearing me apart, but at the same time, I was afraid. I didn't want to see how he would react to my confession; in fear it wouldn't be positive.
He watched me struggle. His expression becoming soft. He was across the room and by my side in moments. I paused from talking staring at him surprised. He gestured to the couch again. "Humor me?" He asked, giving me a pleading look.
I realized I would have to face it sooner or later so I followed him. I was surprised when we got there that he gently patted the cushions and as I sat, pushed my shoulders lightly to lie. I looked up at him confused. "Just a few moments, just give me a benefit of the doubt, then you can feel whatever you like." I was so confused. So much turmoil shot through me. He lifted my hand with his, I felt my heart race. He was so close.
"When you get a shoulder wound." He tapped my shoulder lightly with his other hand. "It can affect the nerves and movement of your entire arm." Deftly he ran one finger down my arm, sending a shiver along my spine. "To make sure movement is proper and no nerves were damaged it is best to massage the fingers to test their flexibility." With practiced hands he started to test each finger, slowly realization hit me.
What had seemed odd for him to be doing was in fact a demonstration of what I had seen the night on this very couch a few nights before. What I had saw as some private, loving moment, had in fact maybe been nothing. I felt myself flush a deep red. I had been so stupid. I opened my mouth; words ready to spill out, but Leonardo keep talking.
"On the other hand, when a warrior finds himself with the woman he has pledged his life to. That has become as dear to him as the weapons that he trusts in battle. He finds he yearns for much more than this simply touch of comrades. That he needs to feel her close to him. To quell the desires that frighten him and threaten to eat him alive." Leonardo leaned down towards me and my mouth accepted his without question. His hand slipped behind my head, he pulled me back up into a sitting position our lips never leaving one another's.
"Did that answer your question, Lea?" He pulled away suddenly. His voice was deep and breathy. I was almost frightened by the naked desire in his eyes. I realized he was indeed baring his soul to me now, in hopes of his honesty winning me back.
My mind swirled, I felt my tears coming back and throwing myself forward I embraced him roughly. I could hear myself apologizing over and over again. I wasn't certain what else to say. I just wanted this all to end. His arms lifted and wrapped around me also holding me tightly. I could hear him shushing me. He didn't seem to desire to hear me beg for his forgiveness.
We sat for a while, neither speaking actual words, it was almost like our souls were communicating. I felt completely at ease with him. If only for this moment. He had disclosed so much of his own personal self. Without words I knew I was one of the few people to ever see this much of him. He was a true warrior, in mind, body and soul. Men who lived by the code of the combatant keep much inside, allowing others to see too much of you could be considered weak; it could hinder your power in many situations. Yet he trusted me enough to allow me to see the man that he was, not simply the symbol that he had to be for his family.
"I love you…" The words left my mouth, so soft that one could have missed them had they not been listening. Yet Leo and I were so close, our bodies pressed so tightly, each seeking the warmth, the solace of the other that there was no way for him to miss them.
He pulled me tightly to him, at this point I couldn't breath, but I no longer cared. "I love you too." His voice was equally as soft, yet just as full of emotion.