I stood, shock running through my body. My worst fears were confirmed as Melinda shared her news with us. I felt a tight pain in my chest. Realizing the horrid emotions Mel herself must be going through, I closed my eyes briefly and steeled myself. Refusing to break down and cause any further commotion. Still my mind spun. Just like that, within a span of a few words Melinda was being taken from all of us. My heart broke as I felt myself look at Donatello.
He looked crushed. We had all known something was wrong with Mel when we had left the ballpark, but I had a sneaking suspicion what it was, so maybe the news at least wasn't as shocking to me. Donatello looked like he had been slapped right across the face. He looked lost. I watched him glance at his Sensei, I am certain hoping he would force Melinda to stay. I truly believed Don thought Mel belonged here. I did. This experience was one of the most healing I had ever seen for her.
Splinter quite to everyone's surprise completely understood. I guess as a parent he knew it was hard to be separated from your child, but still, none of us wanted Melinda to leave. I sniffled, but still held back. I bit my lip and began to fear I was going to draw blood. I could feel eyes on me. Leonardo was watching me, watching my reaction much the same way I was doing with Donatello. As much as I appreciated the fact he wanted to help me, at the moment I had to be strong. I couldn't turn to Leo yet, not when there were others in so much pain.
I watched Don storm off. He didn't make a sound, simply left. I would guess unable to deal with the information he had been given. I softly announced my intentions to the room and followed him. I knew he needed a friendly ear and poor Melinda with her own stress, needed a few moments to just gather her own wits together.
I knocked gently on Don's door; afraid for a moment he wouldn't answer. He took me as the type of guy that enjoyed brooding alone. It was a few moments before slowly the door cracked. I walked inside, Donatello was already shuffling swiftly back over his desk to lean over some machine part and started to poke at it with a screwdriver. He didn't speak, I got the impression he wasn't sure if he wanted me there.
"Don?" I asked, concerned. I made my way across his room and grabbing another spare chair, flopped into it. His poking grew harder, I could watch him tense.
"I know what you're going to say, Lea. I know Melinda doesn't want to go back, I know she would rather stay here, you don't need to tell me." He threw the screw diver down, it made a soft clinking noise as it bounced across the desk.
My voice that responded was soft, emotional. "But it still hurts, losing her makes you feel really empty inside, doesn't it?" I watched as Don froze. His back to me. It was easy for me to read, he wasn't the type of guy that shared anything. I think Don had a complex, and it came from his brothers. I assume being so smart, that what he said got shot done a lot by the rest of the Turtles because they didn't understand what he was saying. I think this has given in a complex about expressing himself for fear of rejection. Now I think he actually did want to talk about all of this, but he wasn't sure how.
"It's alright if you feel that way, Don." My voice took a pleading quality. "It just means you really love her, not that you're being selfish." I hit the nail on the head, I watched him sag, his shoulders twitching as he started to cry.
"I love her so much Lea. why does her family have to take her away from me? I would do anything for her, I don't understand. Are the two of us not suppose to be together? Is our relationship so wrong, fate is driving us apart?" Don's voice cracked as he was talking. I felt my heart reach out of his. I wanted to reassure him, sooth his pain.
"Don, fate doesn't hate you, or Mel or your relationship. Life just has a funny way of throwing us obstacles, to test us. And when we pass them, when he stay true to what we need and desire, the rewards you reap are so great you forget the pain. Yes, Melinda may be leaving, but the fact is Don she loves you more than she ever has any other man. And she trusts you. I can't express to you, how outstandingly important that is. How special that makes you." Still I just watched him; he seemed to be absorbing all my words.
Finally he turned, I could see his cheeks were still damp from tears. "Is that true, am I really that important to her? Does she honestly love me like that?" There was need in his eyes. Don wanted reassurance so badly. He wanted to know he was desired as much as he cared for Melinda. He needed that.
"Of coarse it's true." I smiled softly at him. "Why would I say it of it wasn't true? She adores you Donatello. So much it scares her sometimes I can tell. And more than anything else in the world I know she would like to be here with you, but the fact is, at this moment she can't. She has a lot of issues in her life she has to deal with before she can completely devote herself to just you. Can you live with that?" Now I was being blunt and honest with Don. I felt that was important to get across my point.
I watched as Don looked down. I could see he was thinking about everything I had just told him. Drawing conclusions from my words. When he looked up again, his face was set, determined now. "I would do anything for her. Wait any amount of time. I love her and if I have to wait to be able to be with her. Melinda is worth it."
I smiled, feeling my own tears fill my eyes at the conviction in his words. To know my friend who was so dear to me was so loved. It made me feel so much better; it set my heart a bit more ease. "You're a terrific man, Donatello, and I can see why Melinda loves you so much. Now all I ask is that you find someway to express this to her. To show her how much you love her. So she will know and it will help her to stay strong while the two of you are apart. Trust me she will need it." My mind drifted back to Mel's family.
"What should I do?" Don looked at be confused, but still driven.
"That's for you to decide, if I tell you it won't come from your heart." I patted my chest and nodded gravely. "She needs YOUR actions and words, not mine Don-san." I watched as he once again digested everything I had just shared with him.
"You'er right…" Don agreed with me, but still I could see he was uncertain what to do. I stood, knowing now he should be alone. Don needed time to think about what he wanted to do and say.
"Stay strong, Donnie, Mel loves you remember that no matter what." I smiled warmly at him and reaching across the room squeezed his hand. He smiled back up at me. I could see strength returning back to him. He would need it to handle everything that was going to happen in the next day.
"Thank you Lea." He turned and picked his screwdriver back up, only this time he seemed a bit more absent minded about his work. Like he was thinking very hard about something else.
"Good luck Donnie." I slipped quietly from the room.
I lay on Leo's bed, snuggled against my Kakashi plushie, watching Melinda pack and fret. I knew she was very upset still, and I also knew Don had yet to say word to her. I sighed, but keep my face neutral, afraid to make Melinda worry about me on top of everything else. I just wanted her to feel comfortable. I knew she didn't want to go back. I could hear it in her voice as we talked, but I also knew she didn't have a choice.
I felt guilty, but didn't want to tell her that. It didn't seem fair. She was the one that had first met Don; she was the one that had even brought Leo into my life, why was I allowed to stay with the guys and not her? It didn't seem right. I felt like I was cheating by staying. In the back of my own mind, I had to admit I was wondering if I too should go home. That would seem much more fair. It would put Melinda and I on even ground again. I wanted to ask her about it, but I knew it would just make her feel guilty if I brought it up. I assumed she would want me to stay with Leo the same way I wanted her to stay with Don. I sighed.
"Well I am going to make some hot tea. You want any?" I looked up at Melinda. I was starting to dwell I needed a distraction before I started to get depressed. I so desperately didn't want to lose my friend, but I knew there was nothing I could do and that frustrated me. I just wanted Mel to stay, so we could both be here and happy.
I couldn't believe her parents could just rip her away without any thoughts for her feelings. They were so selfish. Now all of us had to suffer because they couldn't stand to have Melinda a few states away. I tried to be understanding, I really did, but I just found myself more frustrated. I wanted my friend; I knew I was being selfish too.
Melinda was looking at me curiously as she replied. She did want a drink; I rose to go get them. I could see she wanted to say more. She was beginning to figure out how upset I was I think. I didn't want to add to her pressure. I forced a smile at her and walked swiftly from the room. Moving down towards the kitchen. I tried not to think. I wanted to be pleasant for the rest of Mel's time here. I had eons to be sad after she left.
I pushed open the kitchen door and my face fell. Sitting at the table eating cereal loudly was Raphael. His eye rose to meet mine as I entered. I watched him give me a curious look as I almost stomped over to the stove. "What's eating at you, shrimp?" I sighed hearing him slurping milk behind me.
"Nothing I can't handle, thank you." I was short with him. I couldn't help it; he tended to really grate me. I picked up the kettle shook it and found it still had a lot of water in it. I set it back down and turned on the stove.
"Fine." Raphael kept talking to my back. "Don't tell me, I didn't feel like listening anyway." He rose I could hear him moving towards the sink with his dish. As much as I fought them I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I had been holding back my emotions; my fears ever sense Mel had first shared her news earlier that afternoon and it was really beginning to weigh on me. I could feel my shoulders start to shake as I very quietly started to cry.
"Gah don't do that!" I heard Raphael's voice take an almost fearful pitch. "Lea… don't cry!" I felt him jab me with his spoon, I turned to look at him. "I don't know what to do if you cry…geeze… look at you all girly and stuff." He looked distressed. Even as the tears ran down my cheeks, I could feel myself chuckle softly.
I wiped at my tears, sniffling, but smirking at him. "I'm sorry Raphael, did I scare you?" At the sight of his confused form a bit of my own turmoil melted away.
He huffed tossing his spoon in the sink with his bowl. "You could never scare me… its just weird getting all emotional and stuff. What are you crying for anyway?" He actually looked concerned. Still I wasn't sure I wanted to discuss this with him. Out of everyone in the lair, Raph seemed like the LAST person I would ever have a heart to heart with. I had a feeling he would just tell me I was stupid. I sighed. Maybe at least I could freak him out more if I started crying again.
"I don't want Melinda to leave." I turned and reached up to the cupboard door to pull out two teacups. Raphael leaned back against the counter top, his eyes ridge raising as he spoke.
"BIG surprise there, Lea." He rolled his eyes. "Coarse you don't want your friend to leave, but you'll have to deal with it, because it's not going to change." His tone was so blunt, I felt my skin crawl, but steeled myself. I had decided to share with him and had opened myself up to his opinion.
"Thank you for that analysis, Raphael. When I need another sensitive explanation of my situation, I know where to turn." Exasperated I pulled out the cups and went looking for the tea bags.
I could hear Raphael shift around behind me. "Well, what do you want me to say? That's the truth, and the faster you deal with it, the quicker you will heal. I don't sugarcoat stuff like Leo does, sorry." I tossed the tea bags in the cups and turned back to face Raphael waiting for the water.
"Okay, Raphael, if you are so open and so honest can I ask you a question?" I wondered how he would respond to the issue that had been weighing so heavily on my mind.
He looked at me a little suspicious like maybe I was trying to trick him in some way. "Sure you can ask, but don't blame me if you don't like what you hear."
I looked away in thought for a moment; I could feel him considering me. Finally I gathered the courage and spoke. "Do you think its fair that I get to stay here and Melinda has to leave? I mean, maybe I should go home too, it just doesn't seem right. Why do I get to stay with you guys, but she is forced to go home?" All my words came out rushed; I could hear my voice crack with emotion.
I blinked back tears, looking at Raphael, surprised by the almost harsh expression on his face. "That has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard! What did you do, sit around all afternoon and try to think of the dumbest thing possible that you could worry about? All I can say is it's a good thing you asked me this and not Leo. You know why? Because it would have hurt his feeling and God help us when he mopes. Coarse you're gonna feel bad about your friend leaving, you'll miss her and junk nothing I can do about that, but why should you leave? So Leo can wander around with the same expression on his face that Don has now. So I have to put up with both of them with that stupid lost look. No way! That's like a punishment for me. You're staying end of story. Leo needs you."
I stood, so surprised by Raphael's words, I didn't even turn to get the kettle as it started to whistle. "He needs me?" I asked Raphael, my voice soft, surprised. Like I didn't believe him.
Raphael growled and grabbing the kettle moved it off the burner looking at me like I was an idiot. "Yes, can't you see that?" He glared at me hard for a few moments, before a surprised look crossed his face. "You really can't can you?" He shook his head in amazement.
I turned swiftly feeling myself flush, slightly embarrassed. Not certain how to respond, how to feel. I poured the hot water into the cups. The smell of the green tea drifting up to me. I picked up the cups and bowed my head at Raphael. Still uncertain what to say to him.
"Um… thank you, Raph. You've given me a lot to think about." I started to move away careful not to spill the hot liquid on me. I turned slowly as Raphael called out my name.
"Go and talk to him already. He wants you to, he just doesn't know how to say it." Raphael grumbled and shook his head. "All of you are annoying, none of you can take care of yourselves." He stomped past me and I looked after him surprised. He actually did care. I felt a soft expression cross my face.
"Thank you, Raphael." The words were barely above a whisper. I wasn't even sure he heard them.
I walked careful back up to Leonardo's room; I didn't want to spill any of Melinda's drink or mine. The door was still cracked and I pushed it open lightly with my foot. I painted a smile back on my face. Oddly enough my talk with Raphael had prepared me to be able to handle the rest of the night being cheerful with Mel. I had gotten to express everything that had been bothering me. So with a pleasant expression I stepped back into the room, swiftly my look became confused.
The only one in the room was Leonardo; he was standing in front of one of his bookshelves, a novel open skimming the pages. He turned as I entered and our eyes locked. "Where did Melinda go?" My voice wavered. Fearful something else bad had happened. I watched as Leo gently placed the book back in its spot and crossed the room to relieve me of one of the cups of tea.
"I sent her to stay with Don." He moved back over to his desk, he leaned against it and blew on the hot liquid in his hand, looking down at the cup.
"Stay? Like all night?" My eyes were wide. This was a turn of events I had not expected. I was slightly shocked, but also a little pleased. If Don and Mel were alone, it also meant they would be able to talk.
"I thought they needed the time together. They have both been pushing themselves too hard today, I think more than anything, they each need the other's support." Leonardo looked up at me, eyes wise. My mind flickered back to Raphael's suggestion. I knew this was my opportunity to speak to Leo. As much as he was giving Don and Mel one, so was he giving us the same? Only now I was uncertain what to say.
"Thank you Leo, I know this isn't exactly following your guys' rules, but I know it will do Melinda and Don good." I bowed my head to him. Sitting my own drink down on his dresser and walked back towards the bed, honestly I no longer wanted it. My stomach felt like it was tied up in knots.
"You should probably get some sleep." Leonardo was watching, studying my every move I could feel it. "We will all have to rise early in the morning." I heard the clack as he set his own tea down, I glanced up.
"Yeah you're right…" I shifted, wanting to say something, but unable to express myself. I pulled my sweatshirt I had been wearing over my pajamas off. I shivered against the damp air in Leo's room and looked down at the warm blankets on the bed. I wondered if I would even be able to sleep.
"You look tired." My gaze rose as Leonardo spoke again. He bowed low to me, his expression unreadable. "I will leave you to retire." He moved, walking toward the door to leave. A sudden desperate feeling seized me. I cried out with meaning to.
"NO!" I watched him turn again, before reaching the door, surprised by my tone. I looked down nervous, feeling slightly ridiculous for calling out. "Please stay with me a little longer. I don't want to be alone."
I couldn't look at Leo. I felt like I had admitted to being weak because I couldn't handle staying by myself that night. I wanted him to see me as strong so badly, to be able to respect me, that I felt ashamed for my feelings. I felt his bed move, I looked up to see Leo was now sitting on the end of it.
"Lea, are you alright?" His expression was concerned. I could tell he was mildly surprised by my sudden outburst. I sighed. It was now or never. I had already shared so many of my scrambled feelings with him; I wasn't sure why I was hesitating to share my problems with Leonardo now. Expect maybe it was because I was still suffering from the self-doubt I had developed from seeing Leo with the Ninja Woman. She had looked so strong. I wanted to be like that, not weak and sobbing to him. I also knew deep down though that I had to be true to myself, no matter what my emotions were.
"I feel guilty." My voice was soft. "I don't think it's not fair that poor Melinda is being torn away from here, yet I am free to stay. It seems cruel." I pulled my knees up to my chin looking away from him. Raphael had said I would hurt Leo if I told him this information and I didn't want to see that pain.
I could hear Leonardo shifting around, and then I heard the clank of his weapons, dropping to the ground. I looked up to see him moving towards me. His katana's no longer strapped to his back. He slide up against his pillows pulling me toward him.
I didn't protest, but allowed myself to be moved by him. I found myself pressed tightly against his side, my head resting against the upper plates of his plastron. It was strange for all my distress I didn't feel like crying to him. In fact now that I was close to Leo, I felt better. Like this was what I had been longing for all along.
"Do you wish to leave me?" It was an honest question that he asked me. I felt my arms wrap tightly around him as he breeched it and my head shook rapidly, like a child's.
"No, honestly the thought of being apart from you makes me very sad, but still I feel guilty." I felt his hand drift down to massage the small of my back, kneading it; I could feel the tension there melting away. I nuzzled his chest. Relishing the closeness passing between us.
"You feel guilty because you have a caring heart. That isn't wrong, nor can you change it, but you can't allow this guilt to dictate your actions. You must ultimately do what your heart wants the most. So what do you want?" Leo grew still; he was waiting for my answer. I lifted my head to look at him. Considering, watching his emotions flair. I think he was uncertain how I was going to answer and that frightened him a little. I leaned forward, my small mouth meeting his, kissing him softly at first, but pressing harder as his arm pulled me tightly against him. I barely broke the kiss to speak.
"I want to be with you. I have so much more to learn from you. To give you. I love you." I didn't protest as he turned moving me more on my back, deepening our kiss again. Still it was chaste. His hands never wandered anywhere on my body, but to my arms and hair. Deep inside I had to admit I was mildly disappointed, but I was going to allow Leo to move at his pace and follow him.
It seemed like forever, our mouths never slowed, I opened to except his tongue. He still tasted like the tea he had been drinking. I felt myself sigh, as we finally pulled apart. Feeling contented by him. I lay back and met his gaze. There was an undeniable hunger in his expression, and I once again felt his eye drift over my body, but still he didn't act on this need. He seemed to be conflicted within himself.
"I love you too, Lea. So much sometimes, you frighten me." Leonardo's words surprised me. I wasn't sure how to respond so I leaned up to gently kiss his cheek. "You should sleep." The fire was burning hot in his gaze. Being close to me was awaken something inside of him, he wasn't used to having to control. His breathing was ragged.
"Only if you stay with me. I can't stay in this room alone, please." I looked up at him with a pleading expression. I watched as he sighed and closed his eyes. I witnessed him regain control, suppressing whatever was burning inside of him.
"Alright, but you have to go to sleep." He nudged at me gently, turning me so that my back was pressed once again tightly to his chest. I purred, pleased to be close to him. "Hold on a second." He pulled away from me shifting around; I looked to see him removing the rest of his gear.
"Better." He curled back against me. Burying his face in my hair, I could feel him breathing in my scent.
"Thank you, Leo." I yawned. It was still early but for some reason, in Leo's arms, I felt so relaxed, so safe, it had a calming effect on me. Leonardo didn't reply, but I felt his body nudge against mine, moving pulling the blankets tightly around us. I started to doze off. Listening to Leo's light steady breathing. Half asleep I almost didn't hear his words.
"You are so warm." He kissed my neck softly as we both drifted off to sleep.
When we arrived back at the lair, from the airport, I could barely even talk. I had a lump in my throat so big, I felt like I could almost choke. I didn't pause I just walked straight up to Leo's room and went inside. I fell down on his bed, burying my face in his pillow. Not really crying, it's just my heart felt so heavy I had to lie down.
I stared blankly at the wall across from me. Willing myself to sleep. Anything to escape the turmoil inside of me. There was a knock at the door; I turned to look at it, knowing it had to be Leonardo. He had been giving me a worried look the entire ride home. "You can come in." I sat up a little taking a deep breath. Inside shuffled not Leo as I had expected but instead Splinter. He stopped in the doorway to study me. I felt myself freeze surprised by his visit.
"Sensei, I am honored." I bowed my head sitting up straighter, uncertain why Splinter was here. He dismissed me with a wave and moving slowly across the room, seated himself in the desk chair. I turned to face him.
"My Son worries for you, child. He wishes to comfort you, but he is uncertain what to say. So I have come in his stead to try to offer a friendly ear to listen. You seem very troubled, this is understandable after what you have loss this afternoon, but still there are many here that care for you and need you, it will not benefit you to dwell on this matter for too long." He considered me as he spoke. I sat eyes slightly downcast and listened to his words.
I knew deep down he was right, but still that didn't prevent the biting loss that was seething in me. Melinda and I had been together through this adventure sense the beginning now I was left alone. And while I knew I wasn't completely abandoned, it just didn't feel the same without her there.
"Master Splinter, I know I need to gather my wits together and try to overcome my pain, but it's hard. On top of it I feel like a burden. All of you have to keep helping me, coddling me and it isn't fair. Why should my problems, become your issues." I sighed.
He reached across the space between us and patted my head. I looked up at him surprised. He was smiling fondly at me. "You remind me so much of Leonardo, child. You take everything inside your heart and carry it and then whenever anyone wants to share your burden you feel guilt. There is no reason to. My Son, he loves you and wishes to share whatever is part of you. No matter what the cost to him." I blinked up at Splinter surprised. Had Leo told him how he felt about me, or could he just see it. I chided myself realizing it didn't matter. I was dwelling on the topic that wasn't the issue at the moment.
"Thank you, Splinter." I bowed my head at him again. I knew I shouldn't lock myself away in here. That was the point he was trying to carry across to me. I should be out in the lair with everyone. We all felt grief, but sharing it would at least help to make it not feel so lonely. I stood and as I did Sensei followed.
"Why don't you make us some tea, and I can tell you stories about my sons when they were younger." He grinned at me and I felt a shy smile creep across my face.
"I think I would like that." The two of us moved down the hallway to the stairs, as we walked down I saw Leo look up at us from where he was sitting with his brothers. I could see they were comforting Don.