-1It was a beautiful Autumn day in Hazzard County. One that was about as perfect as it could get in Georgia. Not a drop of humidity in the air nor a cloud in the sky and temperatures too cool for shorts but too hot for jackets. As Bo and Luke Duke raced down the winding country roads in their beloved car, the General Lee, everything seemed right in the world. And for the Dukes, that is usually when everything starts to go terribly wrong.
"Bo, will you slow down? You're gonna get us killed."
"What are you talkin' about? I always drive fast." Bo replied as he steered haphazardly around a curve.
"There's a certain kind of fast for Bristol Motor Speedway, and another for the backwoods roads, and you're using Bristol speed, cousin."
"Well I want to get there on time!"
"Bo, I know you're excited about the mobile museum but it's supposed to be in Hazzard all weekend!"
"Yeah, but we only have one chance to hear Billy Kay speak, and that's in five minutes!"
Billy Kay, a retired Nascar race driver, had a huge fan in Bo Duke. Not only had he raced cars, he had a highly coveted collection of them. Every autumn, he loaded his prized cars onto several trucks and offered the public a chance to admire them at one of many stops on the nationwide tour of his 'mobile car museum'.
Meanwhile, Boss Hogg, Hazzard County Commissioner, stood near the gazebo in the Hazzard County square, where Billy Kay was due to arrive any moment to give his speech.
"Boss, have you ever seen so many people in Hazzard Square at one time? Why I bet every citizen of Hazzard County is here!" Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane commented as he balanced his basset hound, Flash,
in one arm and a Popsicle in the other which Flash managed to lick on occasion.
"This crowd far surpasses Hazzard County, Rosco. Did you notice the license plates on the cars parked around here? I spotted at least ten from Chicasaw County. Even saw a couple from Atlanta. This event is going to bring a lot of money to me, er, I mean Hazzard County."
"How do you figure that, Boss? It's a free event."
"I know it's a free event, numb skull, but a lot of these cars are parked illegally, which means a profit from tickets, and the movie theater is open, which means that folks will have something else to do after they see the cars."
"But Boss, I don't see any illegally parked cars." Rosco observed.
Boss stuffed his cigar in his mouth. He then went to the sidewalk, plucked up a mock fire hydrant, and swiftly placed it next to a parked car. "Any question?"
"Boss! Boss!"
Boss looked over to see Earnest Dangler, an employee of the theater, rushing up to him. "Boss, we was just wonderin' if you wanted us to make popcorn."
"Course I want you to make popcorn. Who ever heard of going to the movies without any popcorn?"
"But Boss, it's 9 a.m. It's gonna be hard to get people into a theater that early in the morning, and popcorn isn't exactly a breakfast food."
"Earnest, how much do we normally charge to get into the movies?"
"$3.00, and popcorn is $2.00."
"Tell you what, hang yourself up a big ole sign outside offering free admission with popcorn purchase. Trust me it'll sell."
Earnest smiled. "That's a great idea Boss, $2.00 for a show and popcorn ain't bad."
"Uh uh!" Boss exclaimed. "Charge $5.00 for the popcorn!"
"But Boss…."
"Go!" Boss commanded, pointing back toward the theater. Earnest reluctantly followed direction.
"Boss, some tickets and popcorn should bring in a little money, but I don't think it's going to be life altering." Rosco pointed out.
"No. That's the life altering event." Boss laughed, jutting a pinkie toward a tarp-covered car near Cooter's garage.
"What in the world is that?" Rosco asked.
"That's for me to know and you to find out!" Boss laughed.
"Hey Boss!" Cooter Davenport shouted as he rushed forward from his shop. "How long you gonna leave that thing parked there? I got people wanting to buy gas and they can't get to the pump!"
"I'll leave it there as long as I want to Mr. Davenport! Don't forget who's county commissioner around here and who owns that ramshackle shed you call a garage!"
"Okay, but if I can't sell gas I won't be able to pay the lease this month." Cooter announced.
"Go move the car, Rosco." Boss replied, fishing the keys out of his pocket and handing them to his sherrif and right-hand man.
As Rosco walked with Cooter toward the garage, a long stretch limo pulled up beside Boss. A man dressed in black and wearing a pair of dark sunglasses stepped out. "Jefferson Hogg, I presume?"
"Who wants to know?" Boss asked.
"Billy Kay." The man replied.
"Billy Kay!" Boss exclaimed in delight. He then frowned. "Wait a minute, you're not Billy Kay."
"Nice observation." The man replied, a 6'2 muscular African-american who was a sharp contrast to the rather short, thin natured Billy Kay. "I'm Stephen Dwight, Mr. Kay's personal assistant. Mr. Kay is waiting on his compensation before he can make his appearance.
"Compensation?" Boss questioned.
"The money you guaranteed him to make a personal appearance here today." Stephen clarified.
"Oh, that!" Boss laughed. "Of course I have the money."
"We'll be collecting it now." Stephen replied, holding out his hand.
"Oh. You wanted to be paid in advance?" Boss asked with a slightly pained look on his face.
The back window of the limo rolled down and Billy Kay himself appeared. "Mr. Hogg, the only reason I agreed to wait on payment is because of the sheer size of the amount that was promised to me. Now if you've wasted my time……."
"Oh no no no." Boss replied as Stephen began to crack his knuckles. "I have you're money, but I had hoped to offer you something far better than cash."
"Ain't much that's better than cash." Billy Kay replied.
"Well, I thought you of all people might appreciate my offering." Boss replied as Rosco pulled up in the car that had been covered by the tarp.
"Boss, where did you get this thing?" Rosco asked as he parked and got out.
"Now that IS a beauty." Billy Kay replied as he got out of the limo. The group found themselves staring at what appeared to be a perfectly restored '32 Ford roadster.
"I thought you might like it, seeing how you collect cars." Boss added.
"I didn't know you had a car like that." Rosco whispered as Billy Kay examined the frame.
"Quiet!" Boss whispered. "I got it out of the junk yard. Look, the engine's shot, but I got Teddy at the junk yard to work on it enough to run, maybe even get it down the road a couple of miles. Point is, a new coat of paint, a couple of cosmetic pieces, and some cheap mechanics is far cheaper than the obsurd $2500.00 appearance fee that nit-wit charges to show up somewhere. Now if he will just take the bait…."
"Hogg, I have to admit it's a good looking car, but I'll need to test drive it first before I commit to anything."
"But, you're due to start speaking in less than 2 minutes!" Boss pointed out.
Billy looked toward the podium, then back at Boss. "Okay. But if I test drive it later and it fails, the deal is off."
Boss frowned and took a wad of cash out of his pocket, hoping to call his bluff. "I'm not going to make any negotiations later. You just go ahead and take this $2500.00. Rosco, call that antique car dealer back and tell him we'll accept that $10000.00 offer he made yesterday. I'd been happy to offer the car to Mr. Kay here, since I'm such a huge fan of his, but apparently he doesn't want it."
"Just wait a minute, Hogg." Billy Kay cut in as Rosco began to walk away. He sighed heavily, uncomfortable about making a deal without a test drive but not wanting to lose the car. "I'll take the car."
"Good, good!" Boss laughed.
Billy Kay turned and walked toward the stage. Boss's laugh was quieted when Stephen loomed over him, his hand out awaiting the keys. Boss quickly slipped him the set and ran toward the stage to introduce Billy Kay.
"I can't believed that happened, Luke!" Bo complained as he threw a tire and some tools into the trunk of the General before closing the lid and sliding into the driver's side window. "We've probably missed Billy's whole speech."
"Just calm down, Bo." Luke coaxed as Bo floored the General, making his way to Hazzard even faster than before. "That tire change would challenge any pit crew on the Nascar circuit. We may have lost two minutes, tops."
"Yeah, with my luck, Billy Kay's speeches only last two minutes. Who knows when he'll be back in this area again, if ever."
"Just don't get anyone killed." Luke replied, realizing that any attempt to slow Bo down would be pointless.
As luck would have it, most of Hazzard County was already in Hazzard Square, listening to Billy Kay, which meant that Bo didn't have any cars, trucks, or tractors to slow him down. He barreled through the countryside and was within the city limits in no time.
"BO! Look out for those kids!" Luke exclaimed, spying a group of children crossing the road ahead of them just in front of Cooter's garage.
Bo slammed on the breaks and hit the Dixie horn as the adults in charge of the children scurried to drag them out of the General's path. Drifting sideways slightly, their beloved car came to a halt just short of where the children had been.
The commotion brought the attention of everyone in Hazzard square. While most looked on in shock, Billy Kay looked with interest and excitement as a small smile crossed his lips.
Now I know a little bit about expressions, and that man's face says that a certain orange car is going on a national tour.