Talking to Yourself

Taylor sat on one side of her husband. He wasn't dead…yet. Jack had informed her when she returned back at camp that he was stable but in a coma. She hated that she couldn't help him.

She looked at him from where she sat and noted how he looked. He was pale, very pale. Sweat glistened on his forehead and he laid so still he almost looked dead. She inhaled a shaky breath. This was not how she wanted to remember her husband if he was going to die. She wanted to remember him as the fun playful person he was. She smiled at the memories she did have of him. The memories she had of him and her together.

He held her hand as they walked down the beach together. The warm sun made their backs hot but also gave the moment a calm feeling. They were a young couple in love. She bent her head up to look at him. The wind was blowing his shaggy blonde locks around in his face. She felt herself smile.

She did feel herself smile. For the first time in the past few days…she smiled.

It was sunset. Her favorite time of day…or night, which ever it was. It gave everything a cozy feel to it and at the moment she was enjoying her time alone. She sat on the beach just close enough to the water that her toes got wet when the tide came up.

All-of-the-sudden, Aaron materialized at her side. Startled but glad to have her friend with her she smiled to acknowledge him. They had always been friends ever since she could remember. Even if he was a few years older than she was.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" He said breaking the comfortable silence.

"Yeah…" she answered in a smile. "It is."

Before she knew it Aaron took her chin in between his fingers and guided it up into a light, delicate, romantic kiss. It was short but sweet and she opened her eyes and blinked a few times after they broke apart.

"You're beautiful." Was all he said still holding her chin. Their first kiss.

Tears stung her eyes but she pushed them back. She wanted to cry and now would be a good time but she couldn't let herself for some strange reason.

She looked away from her love's face. Instead her eyes met the pretty little picture of a family. Will, Marie, and baby Bailey. They were a happy family and Taylor couldn't help but envy them. An island wasn't ripping them apart.

"Did you know I love you?" Will asked for the millionth time since he had been reunited with Marie and his daughter.

"Yes. I knew that." She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. She watched the sleeping one year old in his arms and was thankful for all she had.

She looked over at Taylor sitting by Aaron's side, just stroking his hand. It was the first time she'd seen her friend so helpless. She felt so sorry for her. "Poor Taylor." She breathed to herself.

000

Night had fallen and Taylor was still sitting in the same spot she had been since that morning. Aaron still wasn't awake. Logan still wasn't home. A lot of things 'still weren't'.

Tired, she shut her eyes still holding Aaron's hand. She was sure she would have slept that way if someone wouldn't have sat down beside her.

She opened her eyes and turned to see Walt. Her good friend didn't even say a word to her for several seconds and even when he did they weren't what she was expecting.

"Why aren't you crying?" He asked straight out. He'd always been a blunt person.

She thought about it for a minute, making sure she was giving him the right answer. "Because I don't want too."

Walt gave her a glare from the side. She didn't see it. "Please." He said in an exasperated tone. "Why won't you cry? For the first time in your life you have a real reason to cry and you won't."

He was right. She hated it when he was right. She didn't re-answer the question right away. She thought it over again and with a sigh she admitted it to herself and to her confidant. "Because if I cry…then I'm afraid I'll loose myself. I'll start and I won't be in control anymore." She paused trying to control herself even now as she spoke. "I need to be in control, Walt."

She didn't look at him but he could tell what her eyes would have told him. She hurt too much to cry at the moment. He respected that. "Well, I'm here." He reassured her before getting up and leaving her alone again.

That conversation seemed to linger in her mind for what seemed like hours after it was done. She needed to do something to get her mind off of being upset and tired. She remembered what her dad had told her earlier that day.

"What can I do?" She asked her father when she sat down. "What can I do to make him better?"

"Nothing." He answered and answered wrong. The look on his daughters face was not something to be desired. He softened his demeanor and sat down next to her. "Talk to him monkey. That's about all you can do."

She looked at him strangely. "Can he hear me?"

Jack smiled at her. "I think so. It can't hurt to try."

'Talk to him,' she thought. What could she talk to him about? She didn't want to talk about life at the moment, with everything going downhill; she didn't think it was the best subject. He may not want to wake up after talking about that.

"I talked to Walt today." She said spontaneously. "I um…He asked me some questions that kind of…made me think." She looked at her husband. "You probably heard." She shook her head thinking of what else to say. She looked around, observing her surroundings for something to talk about.

She landed on fire. "I hate it when everyone goes to sleep and the fire starts to die. I always get so cold. You know?" She asked as if she was going to get an answer. She shook her head. "Of course you're not going to answer me. You probably can't even hear me." She looked around as if someone else was listening in on her one on self-conversation. "What am I doing? I'm talking to myself." She looked back down at Aaron. Still nothing changed.

'What if he can hear me?' She wondered to herself. 'If he can hear me than I need to keep talking. I need to let him know I'm here. That he can wake up.'

She snickered at her own futility. "Um…" she started. "Walt asked me why I wasn't crying." She thought for a moment. "Do you think I should cry?" She asked him, the tears rising in her eyes. This time they didn't go away. They stayed clinging to the insides of her eyes. They didn't fall but they were there, blurring her vision and everything.

"I need you to wake up." She told him bluntly. "I need you to be here with me. I don't know what I'll do if I loose you." She let a tear fall. She laid a hand on his bear chest and felt his heart beat. Another tear fell. "You know…how you used to tell me… 'I'll love you first; I'll love you last,' I think I'll be loving you last; not the other way around." She said between quiet sobs.

It felt good to cry. She felt her body lighten. Maybe Walt was right…maybe she needed to cry after all. And unfortunately she wouldn't have had she talked to herself.

I'll love you first

I'll love you last.

When the world goes cold

In one white blast.

I'll be with you

Forever and always

Even when you grow

Both 'mind ways' and 'tall ways'.

I'll watch over you

And make sure you're never pained

Even as you grow old

And your years start to wane.

You see, I'll love you first

I'll love you last

Even when my world goes cold

In one white blast.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my late Grandpa Jimmy, who always believed in me and supported everything I did. Grandpa Jimmy died on Friday night after suffering a massive heart attack. He wrote me, my mom and my grandma all poems while he pretty much waited for death to come. This was the poem he wrote me. I love you, Jimmy, wherever you are. I'll always love you. I miss you already.