Disclaimer: I don't own YYH.
For Kitty. I'll probably write another story for the occasion, but happy anniversary of our friendship a few days early.
Slash. Kurama/Touya. Loosely based on Brokeback Mountain (which I love, but do not own). May be a multi-chaptered fic…it depends on what I have time for. As of now, it's a one-shot that could stand alone, but it also could really, really use a second chapter.
Enjoy and please review!
…………………
I proposed to my girlfriend in mid-winter. I was twenty-three at the time, in human years. My demon soul, however, was centuries older, but she had no knowledge of my secret past, present, and future life.
She was twenty-one. She was beautiful, charming, and had a wit that matched, if not surpassed, my own. Originally, we discussed being engaged for at least a year or two, but we decided we couldn't wait. We set a summer date for the wedding.
In the early spring, Koenma called me to Spirit World. I made the usual excuse to my fiancée and joined Koenma at once. He was waiting in his office, along with an old acquaintance of mine.
Touya, master of ice, looked up at me with his usual cold expression. We hadn't spoken since our last encounter in the Makai Tournament.
Koenma then informed us:
"Yusuke, Hiei, and Kuwabara were caught and severely wounded while on the mission I'm about to send you on. It's really a job for two people, but Kuwabara insisted on going along, too. He's the one who got them in trouble."
At this, Touya gave a light cough, indicating amusement. He had never been fond of Kuwabara.
Koenma shot him a look, and continued:
"While they are recuperating, I need you two to take their places. With the amount of intelligence between the both of you, I doubt you'll have any trouble. You will go to La Vallée de Secrets in the Makai, where I think an invasion of Spirit World is being planned. You'll encamp there for five months—"
"Five months?" I interrupted. "Sir, I must protest."
"I am aware of your recent engagement, Kurama," the ruler replied. "That is why I excluded you from the mission in the first place. But you must see that I'm left with no other option. Besides, five months is the maximum amount of time you'll need to stay away. With luck, I'll have you out of there in about three. Touya, your sect will receive payment for as long as you are there. Kurama, I apologize, but this must be done."
I fell silent. Touya looked at me, and for once I saw compassion in his eyes.
After our briefing was through, Touya and I left for Human World.
"How am I going to explain this to her?" I sighed.
"I'm sorry," Touya murmured.
"Don't be…It's not your fault. I just wish I knew what to tell her."
Within the week, Touya and I had set up a hidden camp in La Vallée de Secrets.
…I know it's strange to have a French-named valley in the middle of a Japanese world of demons, but Koenma had insisted on me teaching him French the year that he gained the land around and including the valley. In English, another language in which I am quite fluent, the name means The Secret Valley or, more accurately, The Valley of Secrets.
It's odd how trivial things like a place's name set a standard for what occurs there. Touya and I were to keep our eyes and ears open for Koenma's secret inside contacts, and spy on the supposed secret enemies. However, many other secrets would come to honor the valleys name during our stay.
My fiancée hadn't been too pleased with my leaving. We had to move the wedding to late summer, early fall. She cried the night before I left on my supposed business trip to America. Still, as I left, she said it didn't matter how far I was or for how long I would be gone, as long as we could be together in the end.
Time went by, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. The days consisted of Touya and me sparring, while keeping a low Spiritual profile of course, hiking through the forest, and hunting. I must say my Youko side was especially helpful when it came time to hunt.
Touya never talked much. Once, though, a contact of Koenma's gave us a bottle of demon liquor. My Youko side was helpful in that matter, too. Touya, however, had never tasted a drop of the stuff. I made him try it. All too soon his speech had become slightly slurred and he was telling me his entire life story. It was full of sorrow, and I dare not repeat it. I almost wish I didn't know.
Before we knew it, seven weeks had gone by. To my horror, I found myself missing my fiancée less and less…and also found my feelings toward Touya getting farther and farther from simply friendship.
One night during our eighth week, Touya fell asleep far from the fire we had built. Though immune to the cold while awake, Touya loses control of his body temperature while sleeping. Because he is unused to the cold, he is more prone to chill than a normal person would be. It is the same with all elemental apparitions and their element, including Hiei with heat.
I woke when I heard Touya whimpering. I saw where he lay, and immediately leapt up. He was shaking violently in his sleep, despite the blanket drawn tightly around his body.
I ran to him and carried him back to the fire. Swallowing the lump in my throat and trying not to think about what I was about to do, or what he would do when he woke, I bundled him into my sleeping bag and slid in beside him. I wrapped my arms around his shivering form and held him close. Slowly, he grew still, sleeping on peacefully.
Nevertheless, I lay awake. I couldn't stop thinking about the closeness of our bodies. I couldn't stop the longing to hold him, kiss him…
No! I stopped my mind from going any farther. I was not gay. I was not attracted to males. Not even as a Youko had I thought about relations with other men. Besides, I was engaged to a wonderful woman. I loved her…didn't I?
Before I could think any other thoughts, the man next to me stirred. I held my breath and prayed for him not to awaken.
My prayers were not answered. He opened his eyes, glanced at his surroundings, and violently shoved me off him, shouting, "What do you think you're doing?"
"Saving your life," I tried to respond, but the words would not come. Instead, I grabbed one of his wrists and pulled him to me.
"Kurama?"
I stroked his jawline with one hand, inching my face closer to his.
"Shit!"
Touya had never sworn before. It surprised me that this was enough to make a curse fly from his pure tongue, but it did not detain me. He tried to yank away; I held fast. We toppled to the ground. He tried to wrestle me off, and I tried to meet his open mouth with mine. What was I thinking? Was I thinking?
I finally came to the conclusion that no, I wasn't thinking. I was taking action, perhaps foolishly. But I found that I didn't care.
After a while of fighting me tooth and nail, strings of obscenities flying from his mouth, he stopped struggling.
"Damn it, Kurama…" he panted, his cold glare boring into me.
I refused to give in now. I lay on top of him and tried to kiss him again, but he turned his head away. I caught his chin and gently brought his face back up.
"Damn," he whispered, as if his sudden and persistent use of colorful metaphors would stop me.
I stroked his face once more. Staring into my eyes, silently pleading for me to stop and yet begging for this not to be a dream, he hesitantly pressed his cheek to my palm.
I lowered my lips to his. This time, he allowed me to meet them. But no matter how much I implored him…trailing my tongue across his lips and inside his mouth, fervently crushing my mouth to his…he would not kiss me back.
Instead, he pushed me over so that he lay on top of me. Quickly, he untied the sash holding his pants up, and then unzipped my fly. With a desperate strength Touya did not often display, he flipped me onto my stomach. Then I felt his cool fingers on my bare skin.
When I woke the next morning, he had already eaten breakfast, and was sitting against a tree trunk in deep thought. I sat up, letting the blanket around me fall. The lower portion of my body suddenly felt quite exposed. Upon looking down, I saw the reason, and I promptly pulled my pants up and zipped the fly.
Feeling slightly embarrassed about the previous night, and yet strangely euphoric about it at the same time, I went to Touya.
"What about your fiancée?" he immediately asked me without looking up.
I sighed and sat next to him. "I suppose I can break the engagement."
"On the basis of one night?"
"On the basis of almost two months."
He looked at me then. "I'm not attracted to males, Kurama. In your human terms, I'm not a fag."
I shook my head, in response to both his statement and to his impolite term for a gay man. "I'm not homosexual, either," I replied.
"Then can you explain to me why last night happened?"
"No, I can't."
"Why are you willing to give up a life with the woman you love for something you can't even explain?"
"I can't explain it because there are no words that can possibly even begin to explain it," I argued. "And I would give it up if it meant I could be with you."
I instantly regretted saying that. The look he gave me was one of shock, confusion, sadness, and fear.
"You just told me you don't like men," he said slowly.
"You're different."
"I'm a man."
"It doesn't matter."
"Despite your feminine looks, you're a man as well."
I glowered at the old 'dude looks like a lady' joke. "Like I said, it doesn't matter."
"It matters enough."
"And why is that?"
"Damn it, Kurama..."
"Tell me why."
"Risho," he hissed after a long pause.
"What about him?"
"He doesn't take well to same-sex couples. And as I've heard, neither do humans."
"Most humans are tolerant. I'm sure your sect leader could be as well."
"Risho isn't."
"And how do you know that?"
"Damn it!" he snarled.
I could see a small vein is his forehead pulsing with agitation. Still, he lowered his gaze, and his voice dropped from an almost frantic yell to a tense murmur. He told me:
"Many years ago, there was another Shinobi within our sect. His name was Tai, and he was the fire master. He was with us for many years. He was well-liked by everyone, including Risho. Then, Risho found out that Tai was romantically involved with another male. Risho captured them both. Creating a spectacle for all in the sect to witness, Risho brutally tortured and killed Tai's lover. He then did the same to Tai. It was to be a lesson to us all, he said. After seeing what he is capable of, I have no intention to cross him in this matter."
After staring at him for a moment, I said, "We can keep it between ourselves. Risho doesn't have to know. No one does. It's our own secret, Touya."
When he looked up at me, I touched his face with my hand. He pulled back slightly at first, but allowed me to come closer. Finally I pressed my lips to his. For the second time, his disappointment in my response evident, he did not kiss me back.
Two more weeks passed. He still hardly spoke to me, and when he did, it was usually a question or an accusation about what we were doing. He must have mentioned my fiancée one hundred and thirty-seven times. His talk of Risho probably wasn't too far behind in count.
He never made any effort to stop our relations beyond his words. Nevertheless, even during nights of passion, he absolutely refused to return my affection. Not once did he kiss me, or embrace me, or even lay his hand atop mine. He would satisfy us both if I ever expressed a desire to be with him, but it was empty, without emotion. It was almost as if he resented me.
I grew increasingly uncomfortable with his discomfort, and therefore we didn't made love in the next week. I decided that instead of harassing him for answers, I'd let him work it out on his own.
One day as I was reading under a tree, he came to me, tossed my book aside, and crushed his mouth against mine. I was stunned, to say the least.
When he pulled away, I could see that his eyes were moist with tears. "I've been an idiot," he said. "I thought you were like them."
"Who?" I asked, wrapping an arm around him.
"When I was drunk that night, a long time ago now, I told you most of my life. But I didn't tell you the memories I tried to repress. The truth is, I was abused by everyone I came into contact with. My clan members turned on me when my parents died. They did…horrible things to me…and when I finally joined my Shinobi sect, I thought things would change. They didn't. Risho continually took advantage of me until he got bored. Jin then forced a relationship upon me."
"I thought Risho was against…"
"He is, in terms of others. When it comes to himself, anything goes. Also, Jin is his favorite. Whatever Jin wants…"
He swallowed hard, as if it could force the thoughts away. "When you first tried to kiss me, I panicked. All those memories came flooding back. To be honest, you were exactly like Jin, and Risho, and those bastards in my clan. You forced this upon me. And I hated you for it."
"I'm sorry…" I murmured, appalled at what I had done.
"You didn't know. I understand now that you're too kind to be anything like them. You realized something was wrong, and you left me alone to work it out. You loved me too much to continue to make me love you. Thank you for that. I do love you, Kurama, and I'm sorry that I didn't understand."
He kissed me then, and I returned the favor. It was pure bliss.
Three months had come and gone, and still no word from Koenma. We didn't mind, now that we were able to be open with each other. I still regretted how stupid I had been, but whenever I made that evident, he would give me a cold stare and tell me that it was in the past, never to be brought up again. Eventually it was mostly forgotten due to our constant affection for each other.
He loved it when I spoke to him in French, even though he didn't understand a word I said. After a while, he began to pick up some of the words and phrases. Occasionally he would surprise me by using newly-learned French vocabulary in his speech, and the more he learned, the more he spoke. He never said "I love you" in Japanese after learning the French equivalent, "Je t'aime." He would greet me in the morning with "Bonjour" and kiss me good-night with "Bonsoir." Soon, the majority of our conversations were held in French. This helped in our mission, for I highly doubt any demons could have understood us.
« Touya, les conjugaisons avec avoir. »
« J'ai, tu as, il a, nous avons, vous avez, ils ont. »
« Très bien, Touya ! »
« Merci. Mais, je ne parle pas français. »
« Oui, tu parles eh bien. »
« Non. »
« Touya, tu es mon meilleur étudiant ! »
« Ah, merci. Mais tu es le meilleur professeur. »
« Merci beaucoup. Je t'aime, Touya. »
« Je t'aime aussi. »
This is how one of our French lessons would proceed. Here, I asked Touya to conjugate the verb 'avoir' or 'to be.' He did, and I praised him by saying, "Very good, Touya!" He replied, "Thank you. But I can't speak French." I said, "Yes, you speak very well." He argued that he did not, and I told him that he was my best student. He replied, "Thank you. But you are the best teacher." We both said that we love each other. Then, though it isn't written there, we kissed and...I won't go into what would happen next.
But French lessons made time pass even more quickly than before. We also continued to gather information from contacts.
In the middle of the fifth month, Koenma decided to inform us to come home. However, his timing wasn't the best in the world. Touya and I were in the middle of a French lesson, if you take my meaning. After being severely freaked out and disappearing from the communication for a time, Koenma told us to leave the next day.
"What are we going to do?" Touya asked that night as we lay by the fire.
"I told you, I'm willing to break my engagement."
"You can't do that for my sake."
"It's for both our sakes, Touya. I love you now."
"That's only because you've been away for so long. How do we know this happened because you're in love with me? What if you were simply lonely and needed companionship?"
"You're wrong."
"You may feel differently once you go back. When you see her, your feelings might be renewed."
I could not reply.
"Let's agree to something," he said. "This is a one-time thing. Once we both leave here tomorrow, this is never to be brought up or acted upon again. Alright?"
I sighed. "Touya…"
He cut me off. "I'm not changing my mind. You can't give up your future, and I can't risk both of us being found out by Risho."
"Koenma knows."
"Koenma won't tell anyone. You're his friend, and Risho is his enemy."
I shook my head in desperation. "Please…"
He grabbed my face and made me stare into his eyes. "Damn it, Kurama, can't you understand? This is the way it has to be. I'm sorry."
He pressed his lips against mine. He seemed to agree with his own decision, but I tasted his salty tears. I'm sure he tasted mine as well.