It was a tossup as to which Winchester brother was wallowing in the most guilt.
Dean could not reconcile that another had died in his place thanks to a faith healer's wife's "life for a life" deal with the Grim Reaper. Add to this the fact that he had been chosen to live over Layla, a young woman with a brain tumor, and his remorse grew in exponential manner.
Sam was ecstatic that his brother was alive. However, he felt guilty at feeling that way since his brother was so miserable. Mix in the younger brother's residual angst over the asylum incident (in which he shot Dean while under the possession of an evil spirit) and
Sam was drowning in his own quagmire of remorse.
Sam had hoped that the visit with Layla would ease Dean's mind, but his brother's curt "I don't need your fucking interference" suggested that the tactic had been somewhat less than effective.
So that morning found the brothers facing off over the hotel beds.
"Dean, you need to take it easy. There still could be some weakness..."
"Damn it, Sam, I'm fine! Would you just stop your incessant nagging? We need money, since you seem to have used it all."
'To save your hide' was on the tip of Sam's lips, but discretion won. "Look, I've got a lead at the construction site up the road – that strip mall we passed on the north side of town. They take day laborers – I'll head up that way."
"Oh, joy, that should get us enough for a cup of coffee"
"Jesus, Dean, I'm trying to help here. What do you want to do!" Sam was exasperated and it showed in his voice. Of course, his tone did not help the situation.
"Yeah, that's right. Push it all back on me. If you'd listened to me back in the hospital we wouldn't be in this position."
"If I had listened to you you'd be dead!"
The room grew silent at Sam's words. Dean did not hear the anguish behind them – he heard only the stark statement. "And maybe that's what was supposed to happen, Sam, maybe this wasn't the time for you to finally develop some balls." Dean threw on his coat and stormed out, ignoring his brother's pleading "Dean, wait..!"
The slam of a car door and the roar of an engine preceded the sound of tires spinning out on loose gravel as Dean left the hotel parking lot at high speed. Sam sank down on the nearest bed holding his head in his hands. 'God, it's not supposed to be like this. Our lives were going pretty good after the scarecrow. Why did I ever leave Dean in that basement alone? He would never have done that – he would never have left me. I'm such a screwup – I tried to tell them that I'm just not cut out for this. Dean and Dad don't worry at all – I second guess myself constantly during a hunt! I knew I was going to get De... – someone hurt. God, I'm not sure what to do – I've never seen him like this.' Sam took a deep breath, lifted his head and shook his hair back, staring blankly at the yellowed wall in front of him. He had to admit the truth to himself. 'I'm not even sure he's coming back.'
Sam sat silently for a few more minutes, then sighed deeply and pushed himself up. He swayed a bit, momentarily dizzy. 'Shit, I better eat something or I'll pass out at the worksite. They'll think I'm the woose Dean thinks I am.' Money had been tight before Dean had been electrocuted. Sam had spent more than usual on quality food to tempt his brother's waning appetite. He hadn't bothered most times to buy himself anything – content with Dean's leftovers. 'I'll get breakfast on the way.'
Sam headed out the door, automatically patting his back pocket – and finding nothing but cloth. He remembered then tossing his wallet into the back seat of the Impala before venturing into Roy's home - one tended to loose such items in the midst of hunts and exorcisms. He dug his hands deep into his pockets and came up with $1.79. He shrugged his shoulders philosophically. 'Enough for a breakfast sandwich – and they'll have water at the site.' He continued on out the door, carefully locking it behind him, hoping that Dean had his key – more importantly hoping that Dean would even be waiting for him when he returned to the room.