Disclaimer: Please don't sue me! I don't claim ownership of the movie "Labyrinth" or any of its characters. Praises to George Lucas and Jim Henson for such a great movie. Now on with the show!

(Sarah makes her way down the hill. At the bottom, there is a huge wall of the labyrinth. Sarah wonders how to get in.)

Sarah: I wonder how to get in...

(Just then, she hears singing nearby.)

Hoggle: (singing) I'm peeing in the pond, I'm peeing in the pond, hi ho, the merry-o! I'm peeing in the--hey now! (Upon seeing Sarah, he quickly zips his pants) A girl!

Sarah: (giggling) You peed in the water. Eww!

Hoggle: Oh, grow up. Can I help you?

Sarah: Yes. I'm looking for-- (Hoggle holds up his hand and cuts Sarah off mid-sentence. Spotting something in the air, he picks up a can and sprays the creature, then another.) 57...58!

(Sarah walks over to him)

Hoggle: Don't touch them. They bite.

Sarah: Oh, a sweet fairy!

Hoggle: They bite hard.

Sarah: You're so cute! I think I'll pick you up.

Hoggle: One broke my skin once...had to get a shot for that one.

Sarah: Oh, shame on you for hurting such a-- ow! (she drops the fairy) It bit me!

Hoggle: Duh. Twit.

Sarah: What was that?

Hoggle: ......I said, "What is it?"

Sarah: Oh, yeah...I was wondering if you could help me get into the labyrinth?

Hoggle: Why do you want to do that?

Sarah: Sting--

Hoggle: Jareth.

Sarah: Yeah. Jareth took my baby brother and I have thirteen hours to get him back.

Hoggle: Haha. you wished him away, didn't ya?

Sarah: Yes...I think we've confirmed that.

Hoggle: Watch it, smarty butt.

Sarah: I'm sorry...it's just I'm trying to get this kid back-- (she sighs) My parents can't kick this crow shooting habit...it's been a long day.

Hoggle: I understand.

Sarah: Thanks.

Hoggle: Well, it's a big risk, but if you really wanna get into the labyrinth... (he points to a section of the wall, and it opens up like a double doorway.) Bon Voyage!

Sarah: Coolies! Do it again!

Hoggle: Don't you have a brother to rescue?

Sarah: Oh, yeah...See ya!

(Despite her short attention span, Sarah was determined to reach the castle before it was too late. Once in the labyrinth, she looked to her left, then to her right. Each way seemed like an endless corridor with no change in direction.)

Sarah: Some maze...

(She decides to go right. She walks that way for awhile, then she starts to run. but the corridor seems endless. Finally, she stops and kicks the wall in frustration.)

Sarah: How I kick this wall, for I am frustrated!

Wormy: No, you're kicking my house like a retard, you twit!

Sarah: Why does everyone keep calling a-- hey, who said that?

Wormy: I did, genius. Look down!

(Sarah looks down to see a tiny creature staring up at her angrily)

Sarah: Aw, a centipede! I love centipedes!

Wormy: Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?

Sarah: (stares blankly) Huh?

Wormy: (sighs) I'm a worm, thank you. And keep it down? If my wife wakes up, she won't ever be quiet! "Wormy, we need a bigger place. Wormy, it's cold. Wormy, when are you going to get a job? Wormy this, Wormy that," I can't take it anymore!!

(Sarah stares at the worm as a vein starts to protrude from his tiny forehead.)

Sarah: Um, sorry to hear that.

Wormy: Oh, you would be, wouldn't you? You don't have to live in a stinkin' hole in the wall--

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt, but I really need to get through this place. Can you help me? There's no turns or anything.

Wormy: (sniffs) Sure there are. You just have to look. Try that wall behind you.

(Sarah looks behind her)

Sarah: But...there's nothing there!

Wormy: Just try it, will you?? Can't you see I'm having a crisis?

(Sarah sighs and walks to the wall. She looks at it for a moment, then takes a step against it and pushes, but she stumbles forward.)

Sarah: Hey, it's an passage way!

Wormy: Told you. No one ever listens to me...

Sarah: Wow, this is great. Thanks, wormster!

Wormy: That's not my name!

Sarah: Uh, okay. I'll be off now. Bye!

(She turns left and starts to walk.)

Wormy: Don't go that way. It'll take you straight to the castle.

Sarah: Really? Ha! That wouldn't have made a very rousing plot. Thanks!

(She goes right. Once she emerges from the passage way, a maze of twists and turns lies before her. It looked difficult, but even though she had an inability figure out difficult stuff, she was unwavering in her venture.)

Sarah: Wait a minute! I have a short attention span and I can't figure out difficult stuff?

(They go hand in hand, kid.)

Sarah: But that's not fair!

(And your point is?)

Sarah: Oh, come on! Give me a break!

(Alright, fine...Suddenly, Sarah gets an idea.)

Sarah: Yay!

(She takes out her lipstick and marks an arrow on every few cobble stones she passes so she'll know which way she's going.)

Sarah: Hey, this was pretty smart of me.

(Meanwhile, at the castle, Jareth is sitting in his chambers with baby Toby on his lap, surrounded by his goblin subjects. They're making a big racket. Jareth sets Toby down and stands up.)

Jareth: (points to a goblin) You remind me of the babe.

Goblin No. 6: What babe?

Jareth: This babe I saw at Fey Beach last week. Awesome chick. She was a Virgo and she's into Jethro Tull. Anyway, she seemed interested but she didn't like my mullet, so she was history. My mullet is beautiful.

Goblin No. 6: (Somewhat uncomfortable now) Um...okay...can I go now?

(Back in the labyrinth, Sarah is still marking up stones with her lipstick.)

Sarah: That was my idea!

(Uh huh. But unbeknownst to her, little goblin people had been turning the stones around while she wasn't looking to confuse her.)

Sarah: Hey!

(Oops...)

Sarah: You're making that up!

(Am not! It's in the script. See for yourself!)

Sarah: (Takes the script out of her back pocket and reads page 8) He's right! Dumb doo doo head!

(Hey, watch the name-calling! I'm only doing my job.)

Sarah: It's not fair! Augh! (She jumps up and down furiously)

Jim: That's right. It's not fair! Hehe!

(Sarah looks over and sees two doors that weren't there before. Between the doors, there is a blue shield and a red shield. There is a head poking out at either end of each shield.)

Sarah: Weird...those weren't there before.

Tim: Yep, and neither was that dead end behind you!

(Sarah turns around to see that there actually is a dead end behind her.)

Sarah: My head hurts.

Jim: You should try one of these doors.

Tim: One leads to the castle.

Jim: And the other leads to...dun dun dun...certain death!

Sarah: Okay, so which is which?

Jim: We can't tell you. (snickers)

Sarah: Why not?

Tim: Um...don't know. Ask them.

Sarah: Fine, I'll ask them.

Ralph: Uh...it's in the rules. You can only ask one of us.

Alph: One of us tells the truth and one of us always lies!

Sarah: Do we really have to go through this?

Ralph: Of course!

Alph: Besides, we have nothing better to do.

Sarah: (mumbles) Obviously...

Guards: What was that?

Sarah: Er...nothing. Give me a minute.

(One hour later)

Ralph: Do you have a question yet?

Sarah: Um...yes! (Walks over to Tim) Answer me yes or no. Does he wear boxers or briefs?

Tim: What does that have anything to do with it?

Sarah: Because if he wears boxers, then you would wear briefs, but if he said that he wore briefs, then he'd be lying, but then that's only if you're the one not wearing boxers and he was the one wearing boxers instead...my head hurts again.

Jim: (Points) Just take that one.

Sarah: (Holding her head) Okay. Thanks for your help! (She opens the door and takes a step forward. Suddenly, she begins to fall)

Sarah: BWAAHHH!

(What will happen next? Has Sarah met sudden doom? Will baby Toby ever return home? Will he remain in the goblin kingdom forever? Okay, you already know what happens, but stay tuned anyway to see me twist the unsuspecting plot. Bwahahaha....)