A/N: This fic was written for a request made at the fic on demand LJ community. Requirements included: Spike or Angel being jealous of the other, an angsty story that ends with Spike and Angel happily together, and an AU where Fred never became Illyria. This is what my brain spat out. I hope you enjoy!
Angel stared forlornly at the fresh grave at his feet. Yet again, someone he loved dearly had died, and he couldn't even honor her by attending her funeral. People just don't conduct burials at night. Perhaps they need the brief warmth of the sun to help them cling to their fragile lives, or maybe they are unconsciously aware of the beasts that lurk in the shadows, no matter how strong their disbelief. Either way, it left Angel staring once again at freshly turned earth, without even a final glimpse of the one he loved to comfort him as he said his goodbyes.
This was his curse. Oh, he had been freed of the gypsies' spell years and years ago, but a soul was never meant to reside in the body of an immortal. Its permanence was just as much of a curse as the fear of its loss. Because now Angel was doomed to watch those he loved wither away while he remained eternally youthful. The soul that allowed him to love prevented him from the detached bliss that most vampires feel towards death. But as human as his emotions were, he could not truly walk amongst the living; and despite being a vampire, he could not glory amongst the damned. He was an abomination in both the human and demon worlds since he belonged in neither.
Angel was startled from his brooding reverie by a familiar voice behind him.
"Winona Wyndam-Pryce," Spike said softly. "That one was the spitting image of her great-grandma, she was. If it weren't for her baby blues, you would have sworn she was Fred come back to life."
"You didn't see her in her last days," Angel replied. "The cancer ate at her until she was like a living skeleton. You wouldn't have been able to recognize her. But her eyes…those piercing blue eyes…they stayed filled with life right up to the end. Right up until she let herself die because she refused to let me help her!"
"They always do, mate. That's what comes of becoming attached to those that fight the good fight. If you constantly take lovers who spend their whole life trying to protect the world from the things that go bump in the night, it's no wonder that none of them ever took a fancy to the idea of becoming part of the darkness, even if a soul was bundled in with the deal."
"They all gave up so much to be with me," Angel said with a sigh. "Marriage…children…a normal life. But in the end, when it came down to life or death, they all chose death rather than staying with me. It makes me wonder if any of them ever really loved me, or if it was all just a beautiful lie."
"If it's one thing that humanity is good at, it's self-deception," Spike said with a bitter laugh, remembering his own failed attempts to share the gift of immortality with those few humans he dared to love.
"I'm sure each of them did love you in her own way, but I'm beginning to believe it's impossible for a vampire and a human to ever achieve happily ever after. Deep down, the living will always fear the dead and those who are human will be terrified of those who are not. Your soul gives you the illusion of humanity, but to truly love someone like us, one has to embrace the dark with the light. Could you love someone like that? Could you spend eternity devoted someone who had given up her innocence to be with you? Or would you go in search of another pure damsel that makes you forget all the atrocities you've committed? You love them because of their humanity, and it's about time you admitted it," Spike said angrily, a hint of jealousy tingeing his voice.
For a moment, silence filled the graveyard. Angel stood as still as a statue, his cold eyes masking any emotion he might be feeling. With a frustrated growl, Spike turned to leave Angel to his brooding when suddenly he felt himself being slammed hard into a nearby tree.
"I thought you were here to comfort me, not provoke me," Angel growled, his eyes glowing golden with suppressed rage.
"Not this time," Spike snarled as his own demon came to the surface. "Unlike you, I can learn from my mistakes. I'm not human enough, remember? I'm good enough to fuck when you're feeling particularly low," he said with a thrust of his hips, "but I'm too much of a monster for you to actually love. I'm too much like you! If you accepted me, you'd have to accept yourself, but you're too enamored of your soddin' self-loathing for that to ever happen. If you want comfort, why don't you try dear Winona's sister…I hear she's head over heels for you. Or maybe you can stalk another one of the Slayers until one of them gives you a pity shag. All I know is that I'm through playing second fiddle to a string of women who do nothing but break your heart. You can find someone else to clean up the mess you've made of your love life. You've used me for the last time!"
Spike struggled to break free from Angel's grasp, but Angel held him firmly against the tree with his own body. With a fierce yank, Angel pulled Spike's head backward by the hair as he ran his fangs over the pale flesh of Spike's throat.
"You're of my blood," Angel said with a low growl. "If I want to use your body until you're too broken and weak to stand, it is my prerogative. If I command you to drop to your knees and pleasure me until the sun rises, your only thought should be how you can best satisfy me. It is my right as sire of your line!"
"How decidedly inhumane of you," Spike murmured into Angel's ear. "Good little vampires with souls don't threaten to rape their childer."
"Perhaps it's time for me to admit that I'll never be entirely good," Angel said softly with a hint of menace to his voice. "And perhaps I need to find a mate who can accept both my darkness and humanity. Someone who won't wither and fade. Someone more like me."
"Vampires with souls are hard to come by," Spike said shakily, his body treacherously responding as Angel began to slowly grind his hips into him.
"I only need one," Angel whispered as he sank his teeth into Spike's neck, finally acknowledging that Spike was the only one who could truly accept him, soul, demon and all, because Spike was the only other creature just like him.
Spike groaned as he felt his blood connection to his grandsire reawaken after years of dormancy. He yielded completely, allowing Angel to glut on his blood. When the dizzying euphoria began to fade to a woozy weakness, Spike felt Angel withdraw his fangs and tilt his head to the side. And then it was Spike who was drinking and drinking until he felt he would burst at the seams. The two vampires continued this cycle until their blood was so strongly mixed it was as if their connection had never been severed.
Staring at his master in a blood-drunk haze, Spike hungrily kissed Angel's lips before dropping to his knees in silent acquiescence of Angel's earlier demands. Undoing Angel's pants, Spike sucked just as eagerly as he had when drinking of Angel's blood, until he could taste Angel's release spilling into the back of his throat.
Soon, Angel was kneeling next to him, murmuring more lust-filled commands into Spike's ear as he peppered the blond vampire's skin with bites and kisses. Suddenly, the idea of obeying Angel's every whim did not seem so burdensome. At least for tonight, Spike longed to obey. There could be fights for dominance some other time.
They did have eternity, after all.