Love and Alcohol

Six weeks had passed with no communication with my friends. I was all alone. I ignored their calls and hid from their visits because I wanted to be by myself. Not once for the past few weeks have I longed for their company. Not that I didn't care about them, it's just that I wasn't in the mood for them right now. And it may take a while before I feel like having fun with them again. For now, there was only one person I longed for and it was Kuki. It tortured me to know that I could never see her again. I swore to myself that I'd stop seeing her for everyone's own good. I wanted to see her so bad but I couldn't. I shouldn't. My love for her was like my addiction to alcohol. It brought me no good. And although I succeeded in getting over it, I sometimes long for it, still. That's how much I longed for Kuki after I decided to stay away from her completely. I wanted to see her more than anything and yet every time I thought of her, I manage to remember that she was the alcohol that I used to drink. She was a poison to me. No matter how much she makes me feel better, in the end it all comes crashing down into nothing but pain and weakness.

I sat quietly on the beach chair in our backyard as I watched my little brother play in our pool-sized sandbox. I envied him for being so happy. Why couldn't it be that easy? Why can't I just grab a toy and want nothing else? Just then, someone arrived and sat on the other beach chair by my side. It was the only woman left in my life. It was mum.

"Are you okay?" She asked me.

"Of course I am…why are you asking?"

"I was watching you from the kitchen window. You seem to be bothered by something"

"Are you always watching me?"

"That's what a mother does" She smiled, "She watches over her children"

I looked away and smiled.

"Are you ready to tell me about the girl you were talking about a few weeks ago?"

"No mum…it doesn't matter anymore…she's gone"

"Oh Wally…did she find someone else?"

"Yeah, a long time ago"

"Would it help you feel better to talk about her?"

"No. I'll talk about anything, just not her"

"Well, okay" She stood up and walked away, "Oh Wally?" She turned back to me and called.

I sat up and looked at her. She was smiling at me.

"I'm proud of you" She smiled, "I know you're in a lonely situation right now but it takes guts and determination to end a drinking habit despite that"

And she walked away. As I sat back on the chair I thought of a few weeks ago when I was released from the rehab because I was able to quit drinking right away. My mom wasn't the only one proud of me. I was too. Getting over my addiction meant getting over her. I didn't need her anymore. No matter how much I long for her, I don't need her anymore.

Joey laughed out loud as I lifted him up and spun him around. We were on our way to the ice cream shop. These last few days I've been spending time with him and I felt nothing but happy.

"Can I get a banana split when we get to the ice cream shop?" He said as he walked with me.

"Sure, buddy"

"With lots of whip cream?"

"Yep"

"And loads of chocolate syrup?"

"As much as you want"

"And many nuts and no cherries?"

"Anything you want"

And we entered the shop. After purchasing our ice cream we sat on a table and just started eating. But just like that, temptation came to give me a challenge. There at the counter stood a bottle of rum. Apparently they had a specialty that was served with a bit of rum in the ice cream itself. I sat up in discomfort, with loads of thoughts running through my mind. I can have it if I want. I mean, it's only ice cream anyway…there's a difference between ice cream and actual rum

I sat there staring at the bottle as I continued to move uneasily. I kept hesitating whether I should by it or not. I was listing reasons in my head about why I should by the ice cream and why I shouldn't.

"Are you okay, Wally?" Joey asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine" I lied to him. As I stared at my little brother, I found another reason why I shouldn't buy the stupid alcoholic treat. If I taste that rum, I'll become obsessed with alcohol again. And I was with my little brother. What if I went crazy over the taste of rum? He won't be able to do anything about it. He'll be helpless against me. And I might end up hurting him. I finally relaxed in my seat as I watched my little brother. That was it. I fought off temptation. Or so I thought.

After a just few minutes had passed I suddenly encountered another temptation, a stronger one. And it wasn't alcohol. It was Kuki.

The moment she entered the shop I saw her right away and fear struck me right in the chest. I watched her as she ordered some ice cream for herself and settled on a table somewhere in a corner away from us. I sat there quietly, stunned as I thought of a way to leave without her seeing Joey and me. As I thought about it, I realized one thing and it was about the rum earlier. The rum was temptation for me to go back to drinking. I thought that was the only thing about it. But it turns out that it was also a warning that I'd encounter something that would tempt me to go back to Kuki.

And this temptation was strong indeed. I couldn't help just sitting there, motionless. I had to look at her. Slowly I turned my head to see her but I sharply turned it back to Joey when I saw that she was looking at me. She knows I'm there. Knowing this, I told myself that I had to fight this temptation. So I did. I was about to tell Joey to hurry up eating when he beat me at it and spoke up first.

"Hey look, it's Kuki!" He said and he started to wave at her and call her name.

"Joey!" I whispered to him to try and make him stop.

"She saw me!" Joey exclaimed as he continued to wave at her. That moment I gave in to temptation a little bit and turned to her again. When she saw me, she stared for a while before smiling gently and raising a hand to greet me. I looked away from her.

"Joey" I called my little brother, "Finish your ice cream, we're leaving"

"But I haven't even gotten to the banana yet!"

"Then hurry up. We have to go"

"But aren't we going to sit with Kuki"

"No Joey, we can't do that"

Before Joey could argue again, we were interrupted.

"Hey guys"

I moved my eyes to my left where I could see the form of Kuki. My heart started to beat faster.

"Mind if I sit with you?" She asked.

"Okay! You can sit beside me!" Joey said.

When Kuki took her place across me, I kept my eyes straight down. It was intimidating. I could feel her eyes watching me.

"Hi Wally" She said softly, "I haven't seen you in a while…"

I let out nothing but a sigh. And I kept in mind that she was like the alcohol. She'll poison me.

"Are you alright?" She asked me. That moment I felt a strange feeling dwelling up upon me. It was a feeling that I haven't experienced in a while. Slowly, I felt the painful depression rising within. I could almost feel my eyes getting clouded, my skin getting pale and my mouth watering for the taste of beer. I knew this wasn't a good sign. So I decided to escape from this dilemma the best I can.

"I'll leave Joey to you" I stood up, "Bring him back home soon"

And with that, I left them.

On the walk home I tried to recover from the melancholy that was eating me inside. I stopped in the middle of my pace and thought back to a few minutes ago. The sight of her face…it was the strongest temptation so far. That's why avoided looking at it. Her beauty is too alluring and it became harder and harder for me to fight against my desire. My willpower was getting weaker by the minute and I had to get something to help me. I lifted my head and looked around wherein I realized that I was standing in front of a grocery store. And through the glass windows I saw a line of grocery items, part of them was the packs of cigarettes. I haven't smoked for a long time…