Temptation, Addiction, Pain

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling with a cigarette in hand. She was doing it again. She was ruining my life. She was poisoning me. For so long I have not smoked once. For so long, I have not felt this misery. But now all of it had come crashing back and the sight of her face caused it all.

I lay there quietly and motionless. My thoughts and emotions resembled the mood that was set in my room. It was gloomy and silent. Not even the window lit up the place because of the dark cloudy weather outside. Everything looked almost unreal. It was as if time was standing still, like I was in a painting or something. It was as if I was inside a creation of an artist whose talented works were limited to the shades of black, gray and blue. It all felt unreal. The only thing that reminded me of reality was the sound of the ticking clock echoing in my ears.

All of a sudden, my frozen period continued to move. Although everything in the room was still immobile, I realized that time was still progressing when I heard the ringing of the doorbell followed by voices from beyond the walls and floors.

I knew right away what was happening so I stood up and walked towards the door. And gently, I pressed my ear upon it along with my hands. I listened.

"Hi Mrs. Beatles, I came to bring Joey home" And I heard Joey come in.

"Kuki! It's so good to see you dear, it's been so long!"

"It's good to see you too, Mrs. Beatles. Um…is Wally here?"

"He's up in his room. He says he's not feeling well"

"Would you mind if I go upstairs and give him a short visit?"

"Not at all, dear. Go on"

I didn't move away from the door. I stayed and listened to her footsteps as she slowly walked up the stairs. Each squeak that I heard became louder and louder meaning she was getting closer, yet I didn't move as single muscle. Soon she was at my door. She was right in front of me and I could sense her. Then, as if she knew I was there, I heard her lean towards the other side of the door.

"Wally…?" She whispered, "…Please, answer me…"

She waited for an answer but didn't receive one. And my silence caused her to sigh.

"I miss you…" She said through the door. And next thing that I heard was her walking down the stairs.

"Leaving so soon, Kuki?"

"Uh yeah…I think he's asleep"

I knew she was lying. She knew that I was listening.

"Okay dear. Goodbye"

"Bye Mrs. Beatles"

I stepped away from the door and walked towards the window. I leaned on the wall and looked outside and I saw her walking away from our house. Halfway through she stopped and turned around. She was looking up at my window. It was unlikely that she would see me because of the shadows in my room but it was as if she did. She was just standing there and staring and I somehow felt our souls connecting because of that. When it started to rain, she decided to go on. As I watched her disappear into the rain there was only one thing I wanted to say to her. I miss you too…

Here I am seven days later sitting in the shadows under a maple tree, smoking my last cigarette stick. I was waiting and I've been here for hours doing nothing. Just smoking, that's all. Finally when I looked down the street I saw Kuki's silhouette walking towards the house a few yards away from me so I stood up and leaned on the tree. I watched her as she came closer and closer until she was no further than a fewyards away from me. She went to the front door of the house and took out a key from her pocket and started to unlock the door. But then something happened that shocked the both of us. She turned to me. I froze at the sight of her eyes towards my direction. She wasn't supposed to see me. Why did she see me? All of a sudden I remembered that I had a lit cigarette in my hand.

"Shit…" I murmured and I tried to hide it as I put it out.

"Who's there?" She asked.

I looked at her and I didn't make a single sound. I knew that she couldn't see mesoI stood there quietly and waited for her to think she was seeing things. Soon enough, she did. I could still see the fear in the way she moved but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that she continued to unlock the door and I could stay there ans simply watch. Just then, bad luck struck me and I stepped on a twig and snapped it. She gasped and turned to me again.

"Who's there?" She said in panic.

I didn't answer.

"I know someone's there. Just show yourself"

I knew better than to run away because I knew that she'll recognize me easily. And of course I couldn't stay still for she already knew that I was there. I had no choice. I had to show myself. I slowlystepped into the light and saw the shock on her face at the sight of me.

"Wally?" She said.

I looked down and gave her no reply.

"What are you doing here?"

"Nothing…I was just passing by"

"Then why were you in my front yard?"

"It doesn't matter"

There was a harsh silence between us. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there with my head down, dodging her gaze. But I wasn't able to hold that long, I had to look up at her. And there it was. For the second time this week I saw her looking back at me. I've been watchingher all week but not once had she seen me. Why would she? I was stalking her.

"I'm sorry I scared you" I said.

"It's alright. I'm just glad it's you. I thought it was some maniac"

I kept staring at her and watched her as she moved uneasily.

"Now you're scaring me…"

I looked away, "Sorry…I better leave…"

"Wait" She called me, "Don't you wanna come in or something?"
I knew that I shouldn't agree to it but before I knew it, I was in her living room sitting on her couch as she served me a drink.

"Sorry," She said as she set down the Coke, "We have no beer"

"That's alright. I don't drink anymore" And I saw the amazement on her face.

"Wow, that's a big change" She sat beside me.

"I know" I tried to smile but I failed.

There was yet another silent moment between us and I didn't like it one bit.

"Wally, why have you been avoiding us?" She asked me suddenly.

I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my lap as I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands. I knew this would happen. Why was I so stubborn? How am I supposed to get out of this now?

"Wally…" She said, "Do me a favor and tell me what's going on with you. Why are you acting like this?"

I can't tell you…I can't…

I laced all my fingers, locking my hands together and I rested my chin on them. I kept my eyes straight down. After a few seconds passed by, sheheld mycheeks andturned my head towards hers. I looked into her eyes and they were begging me to tell her everything.

"Tell me…" She said.

"Kuki I..."

I was about to tell her. I was giving in to temptation but that was when it happened. My eyes led from her to a picture frame on the table behind her and I suddenly felt something more intense than anything I have ever felt before. Seeing the picture of Chad on the table caused me to fall apart on that spot. It didn't take long before I recognized that feeling. It was the emotional breakdown that I haven't felt for so long. It was happeningagainand it was the more painful than it had ever been. My chest was tightening, my breath was intensifying and my whole body felt numb as my heart choked andmy soul was burned.

"Wally? Are you alright?" I heard her voice vaguely through the severe pain.

"I have to go" I said through my ground teeth and shaking lips. When she saw my hands clenching on the couch cushions she became worried. She tried to console me by holding me on the cheek but she was startled when I grabbed her wrist before she could even touch me.

"Wally, that hurts…" She struggled a bit from my grip.

I wouldn't let go. I didn't know why but I couldn't.

"Wally, let go...!" She saidin avoice with a hint of fear.

Finally, I did let go. And without saying another word, I ran out the door and went home.