Friends

I sat quietly on the couch leaning forwards with a cigarette in hand. Nigel was beside me, quietly watching me.

"So that's it? You two are over?" He asked me.

"Yeah…" I said as I blew the smoke out from my mouth.

"Why'd you break up with her?"

"I didn't break up with her. We both broke up with each other"

"Okay…why'd you do it anyway?"

"It just didn't work out…"

"How are you taking it?"

"Just fine…it's not like it was a real relationship anyway. It was as if we didn't even have a thing with each other. We just kissed and stuff…"

Another moment of silence had passed until Nigel spoke again.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Wally?" He asked me.

I felt annoyed. Nigel was always messing with my business. "Could you for once stay out of my life?" I said to him irritably.

"I'm just looking out for you. I'm one of your best friends"

"Yeah well you sounded gay when you said that"

I meant to insult him but he laughed instead. "Wow, you still have a sense of humor" He said. I didn't reply. There was no way to get rid of this guy.

"Why are you always butting in on my problems anyway?" I questioned him.

"It's called helping and it's what a friend does"

"Well, why can't you guys see that I just wanna be left alone?"

"Because we can't stand watching you hurt yourself"

I leaned back on the couch and sighed. "What the hell are you talking about…?"

"Kuki and Chad had been together for almost a year now and that whole time you've been nothing but miserable"

"So?"

"The point is you've been ruining yourself and every time we try to help you, youpush us away"

"That's because there is no way to help me. Not even I could help myself. I'm hopeless and I'm stuck with all this agony…"

"Then why do you bother to smoke or drink or hurt yourself?"

I turned to Nigel. The stare he gave me told me that he was satisfied with what he said. But I knew exactly what to counter it with. So Ifaced him completely and explained.

"You wanna know why I smoked? Or why I drank? Fine, I'll tell you" I explained, "It's because every time I have a cigarette, it feels like the smoke I blow out is a bit of all the flaming jealousy inside me"

Nigel stared at me. "What about the alcohol? What the hell did you get out of that?"

I shrugged at the thought of alcohol and the temptation to drink it. But still I continued, "Remember ages ago when I got so desperately jealous that I stole vodka from my parents?"

"Yeah?"

"You know why it felt good? Because the feeling of that fiery liquid gushing down my throat was the closest to how I felt whenever I saw Kuki and Chad. It was that bad, Nigel. And the more I drank, the more I felt my problems drifting away. That is why I loved getting drunk…"

I looked at him sharply as I made my point but he just stared back.

"So did you benefit from that?" He said, "Did it really make your problems go away or did it just make things worse?"

I stared at him. I was speechless. He was right, I didn't get anything out of drinking or smoking.

"What do you want me to do?" I said as I leaned back on the couch.

"You could tell her how you feel"

I rolled my eyes and looked at him.

"I mean it"

"What's the point...? She's dating the most perfect guy ever to walk this earth. She won't care about how I feel…"

"You never know, Walls. Besides, it's best for you to tell her rather than spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't"

And with that, he left.

Seven days had passed and I have been thinking of what Nigel told me. And it was only now that I've come to a decision.

"Okay" Kuki served me a Coke and sat beside me. "What did you want to tell me?"

I gazed at her silently as I tried to gather up my nerves. All week I've been thinking about what Nigel told me, and here I am trying to do what he suggested.

"I…I just…" I couldn't tell her. This time it wasn't because of the picture of Chad behind her. It was simply because of my lack of courage. Besides, what will I get out of this? Nigel told me that it's better to get all this off my chest but is it really worth ruining Kuki's happiness? She's doing great and if I tell her about my feelings for her, it would just ruin her.

"Wally…?" She called causing me to snap out of my trance and look at her.

I'd rather ruin myself than ruin you…

"It's nothing…" I said to her, "I'll just go…"

I stood up to leave but she stopped me. "I need to talk to you" She said. I sat back down and listened attentively.

"Remember a few weeks ago when I ran into you in our front yard?" She asked me.

I felt nervous when she asked me this. "Yeah…"

"You still haven't told me what was going on with you"

I sat still, feeling tense. Even she was telling me to admit my emotions. "There's nothing going on with me"

"Yes there is Wally. And I don't know why you're hiding it from mebut I have to know"

"No you don't…believe me, you don't"

"So what, you're just gonna hide it from me forever?" She teased.

As I stared at her I knew that her playful smile was just a cover up for her desire to find out what the truth was. But I really can't tell her. I really can't…

"Yeah…" I whispered, "I'm gonna hide it from you forever…"

I watched her as the smiled on her face disappeared and it turned into sorrow. Not being able to stand this, I stood up to leave.

"Why won't you tell me?" She asked just before I touched the door. I stopped right there and I slowly turned to her. She asked me again, "Why are you hiding the truth from me Wally…?"

I didn't answer her. At that moment I wanted nothing more but to disappear from her sight.

"Am I nota good friend to you?" She asked me, "Don't you trust me?"

"Why wouldn't I trust you…?" I asked her.

"I don't know…but if you won't tell me then I must be doing something wrong…"

You're not doing anything wrong…you're just being happy…And it sucks because…

"I'm not the reason why you're happy…"

"What?" Kuki asked me.

I froze when I realized that I had said some of my thoughts aloud.

"Why would you think that? Of course you make me happy, Wally. You're one of my best friends"

Those words stabbed me like a knife in the chest.

"That's right…"I heard my voice break as I spoke, "I'm just one of your best friends…"

And I left.