Ultimate Sorrow

The day after I failed to tell Kuki about my feelings must've been the hardest day of my life. It was bad enough that I was limited to just being her friend but it was worst that she was acting like I was a stranger. All day she had been ignoring me and it was driving me mad. Everything was exactly like how it had been months ago. We were in the clubhouse, everyone was busy with his or her own interests and I was grieving in a corner.

Please look at me…

I begged Kuki silently as I watched her.

It's bad enough that I can't tell you how I feel…don't make things worse…don't ignore me…don't hate me…I love you…

As if she heard my thoughts, she looked at me for the first time this whole day. So I smiled at her as much as I can and she tried to smile back. But soon that lovely moment was ended when Chad kissed her. He didn't do it to interrupt us. He didn't even know that we were looking at each other. He just kissed her for no reason like what every boyfriend does to his girlfriend. The sight of that kiss caused extreme heartache inside me and the sight of Kuki smiling and laughing after Chad kissed her was way more tormenting. I tried to avoid feeling more pain by looking away from the couple. But when my eyes ended up on Nigel, I noticed that he was looking at me. And the look he gave me told me that he was disappointed. He knew that I was going through all this agony and if I could only tell Kuki how I feel it would help me feel better even just a bit.

"Tell her" He mouthed to me and nodded towards Kuki.

I shook my head and mouthed back, "I can't…"

"Oh I have to go" I heard Chad say while he was looking at his watch.

"Where are you going?" Kuki asked him.

"I promised my dad I'd help him pick out a new car"

So he gave Kuki a kiss good bye and bade the rest of us goodbye and left. A few more moments had passed and nothing changed. The only difference was that now Kuki was all alone and I was able to watch her completely.

"Abby, Hoagie" Nigel suddenly called, "Let's go get some food in my house"

I knew that he was trying to leave Kuki and me alone. His persistence was really starting to get to my last nerve. But half of me was also thankful for what he had been doing. In just a few seconds Kuki and I were all alone in the clubhouse. I watched her quietly as she watched TV. She wouldn't look at me. A few more minutes passed by and each one seemed to last an eternity. Still she didn't turn to me. I looked down and felt sorry for myself. Because of my stupidity and cowardliness, the girl I love hated me.

"Wally" I looked up and was stunned to see that Kuki was gazing at me, "Come here and sit beside me" She patted cushion beside her. Slowly I got up and walked over to her and I quietly sat down beside her. By then things had turned upside down. She was looking directly at me yet I avoided her stare.

"I'm sorry about last night" She whispered.

"Why?" I looked at her.

"I shouldn't have been so nosy… Whatever your problem is, it's your business and I had no right to force you to tell me…"

"You were just being yourself. You're a good person and you were just looking out for me"

"I know…it's just that…the fact that you're hiding something from memakes me feel…"

I suddenly worried when I saw tears coming out of her eyes. Without hesitating, I pulled her close and held her into my arms. I wanted to punish myself for making her cry. Having her so close and hearing her sobs clearly made me hate myself. She's such a fragile person. She's so sensitive and sweet.And so delicate that I held her gently for I feared that I might break her or something.

"I just can't help but feel bad for knowing that you won't let me help you…" She cried. I trembled a bit when I heard her say this. How can she be so nice and sweet? She's so pure and she has such a beautiful soul. I couldn't help but fall for her even more.

I wanted nothing more but to stop her melancholy. I didn't care about my own sorrows. I didn't care at all. All I wanted for now was for her to feel better. When I finally looked straight into her eyes, I wiped her tears away.

"It's alright…" I told her softly, "It'll be okay"

"I'm such a baby…" She laughed a bit despite her tearful eyes.

"No you're not. Look…" I held her hand. It was painful for me to speak. "I really can't tell you what's going on with me…"

She frowned again when I said this.

"But it's for your own good. Believe me, it's better that you don't know. Just don't worry about me, okay? I'll be fine" I lied to her.

She smiled at me.

"I just want you to forget about me and focus on being happy. Don't let me ruin you, okay?"

She smiled gently at me, "Okay"

I couldn't help just sitting there. So I pulled her close and hugged her again. Part of me was happy that I was no longer her problem but another part of me was aching because I have once again ruined myself.

I'll be fine as long as you're happy…

Holding Kuki caused me to inhale the fragrant scent of her hair. And without knowing it, I buried my face into her ebony colored strands. I wanted that moment to last forever. I wanted to stay there inhaling the scent of her hair as I held her into my arms. Yet next thing I knew I gently pulled away from her…and I kissed her. For a very short moment it had stayed that waybut soon she pulled away. I looked at her for a moment and before she could speak I kissed her again.

"Wally…!"

I heard her call but I didn't stop kissing her.

"Wally!"

She pushed me away with all her strength and succeeded. When she stood up and backed off from me, I stood up as well. I tried to approach her but then…she slapped me. That was what got me out of my trance. For a minute I stared at her. I was shocked at what she did. Yet more shocked at what I just did.

"I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" She screamed at me, "YOU KNOW THAT!"

Of all the strikes that she had hit my heart with before, this was the most painful of them all. I stood there with my eyes wide open and my whole body was numb. I immediately realized what was happening. It was an emotional breakdown. I watched the anger on her face turn into worry when she saw the tears filling my eyes. I dropped myself into the couch and leaned forward. It was starting. My hands reached up to my hair and pulled as hard as they can while my eyes shut themselves tight as they reacted to the pain.

"Wally, what's wrong?" Kuki asked me worriedly.

I ignored her and started to sway back and forth. My hands started to shake and I started to mumble. This was the worst breakdown I've ever had. I felt nothing but negative emotions and it was as if my chest was going to explode. Inside me was a combination of extreme misery, desperation, anger and pain. I didn't know how I could handle it.

"What's wrong?" Kuki asked me again. The moment I felt her hand on my shoulder I didn't care about anything else but to get away. So I slapped her arm away as strong as I could and I knew it shocked her. But I didn't care. All I wanted was to get away from her so I stood up and ran out of the clubhouse. I passed Nigel, Abby and Hoagie when I was on my way out. They asked me what was wrong but I just continued to run away until I was gone from their sight.