Chapter 1: A Girl from the McDonald's
Disclaimer: Yes, of course I own FE. You're an idiot if you haven't figured it out already.
Mirabella awakened to a light tap on her shoulder. "Are you awake?" asked a gentle voice.
"Um, yeah," she replied. "Now who the hell are you?"
The girl who had addressed her smiled. "I found you unconscious on the plains. I am Lyn, of the Lorca tribe. You're safe now."
Mira frowned. "I don't remember any plains. I remember being at McDonald's."
Lyn furrowed her brow. "McDonald's? Is that some strange name you foreigners have for the plains?"
"Uh, sure, why not."
"Right then," Lyn replied. "Well, I found you unconscious at McDonald's, and I'm Lyn, like I said. Who are you? Can you remember your name?"
"It's Mirabella. I'm just a random person whose sprite walks really really slow on the map."
"Mirabella? That's a weird name."
"Well, call me Mira. I bet Lyn is short for something, too… something utterly atrocious, like… Lyndis!"
"Actually, no, it's short for McKenzeighMaddilyn. Anyway, I see by your attire that you are a traveler. Have you been wandering across McDonald's for long?"
"Couple weeks," Mira replied casually.
"Would you share your story with me?"
"Kay! I'm a military tactician. That's pretty much it."
"Oh, by the way," Lyn interjected, "do you hear the music in the background that's been looping through this entire conversation?"
Mira nodded. She had noticed the fake orchestra music blaring in the background a few minutes ago.
"That's my theme song. Pay attention, because you will hear it remixed in countless ways throughout the game. You will get so sick of it that eventually you'll just turn the sound all the way down and put on headphones and listen to Cake or something."
Mira took note of this. As she was doing so, there was a loud noise in the background. "WHAT WAS THAT NOISE!" she and Lyn shouted simultaneously.
"I'll check it out," Lyn offered, running outside for a total of two seconds before rushing back in, to the accompaniment of a different, slightly less annoying song. "BANDITS!" she cried, reentering the tent. "They must have come down from the… Bern Mountains! They must be planning on… oh, hell, nobody cares. Let's go kill them." With that, the two companions rushed out into the McDonald's and surveyed the situation.
They were met with the sight of two bandits in a clear field, with nothing else around. A great voice boomed from the heavens: "Lyn is the blue unit! The enemy is the red! Mira, you are green!"
Mira and Lyn looked down at their uniforms and noticed that they had turned the colors that the voice described.
"Select Lyn!" the voice cried. Mira shrugged and pointed at Lyn.
"I must be closer to my enemy!" Lyn cried.
"I WAS GETTING TO THAT!" howled the voice. "Now, Mira, you have selected Lyn."
"I had guessed," Mira replied, already tired of this announcer narrator person.
"When a unit is selected, the map changes—"
"OH MY GOD THE FLOOR IS BLUE!" Lyn wailed, interrupting the booming voice.
"—color like so. Lyn can move aaanywhere in the blue area."
"I must be closer to my enemy!"
"Shut up, both of you!" Mira shrieked.
"Move Lyn to the space with the—"
"OH MY GOD THE FLOOR IS GLOWING!"
Mira pointed at the mysteriously glowing piece of terrain. "Lyn, move there."
Lyn moved. "Yes, this should be close enough," she informed Mira.
"Actually, you're still out of range," the tactician replied.
"NOT FOR LONG!" cried a nearby bandit. He was shirtless, but still wearing a nametag that read "Hello, my name is Jim."
"Uh-oh!" Lyn cried. "That bandit's spotted me! He's coming this way!"
The words "ENEMY PHASE" appeared in glowing text in front of everyone's faces. Jim tap-danced across the terrain and stood a few steps away from Lyn. He folded his arms imperiously and did not move as Mira ordered Lyn to attack him.
"I have to be right next to him to attack!" Lyn shouted.
"I KNEW THAT!" Mira wailed miserably. Lyn moved RIGHT NEXT to Jim, and Mira was in the process of ordering Lyn to attack once again when she was interrupted by another outburst from the omniscient narrator announcer person.
"Now, let's attack!" it cried.
"Pardon? Who's going to be doing the attacking here? Certainly not YOU," Lyn said, glaring. Nevertheless, she attacked Jim twice. The ENEMY PHASE began again, and Lyn opened a can of whoop-ass upon Jim.
"AAH! HOW COULD YOU?" cried Jim as he flickered and disappeared with a bizarre noise that sounded like a miniature lightning strike.
"…Victory!" Lyn cried, a bit late. "But I've been injured—I have need of a vulnerary. I have one in my pack, would you get it for me, Mira?"
"But your pack's right on your—"
"GET IT."
Mira got it.
Lyn used it.
"There's another bandit over by the ger to the west," Lyn remarked.
"What is a ger?" Mira asked. "You mean that big housey thing?"
"Yes, we call that a ger. It's a type of round hut. Don't bother remembering that, though, because you'll never use that information again."
"Okay. Now, move over there," Mira continued, pointing to another glowing space on the ground. "God, if the whole journey's this easy, we could have Nergal defeated in—"
"DON'T REVEAL THE PLOT!" cried Hector and Oswin from offstage. For some reason, Hector had a frying pan in his hand and was waving it threateningly at Mira.
"I think the Wolf Beil is more intimidating, Housewife Hector," Mira remarked dryly. "Anyway, I think it's the enemy's turn, isn't it?"
The ENEMY PHASE passed in seconds, as the remaining bandit did not move. "Thank you, Mira!" Lyn cried.
"…for what?"
"The vulnerary!"
"But that was last turn… oh, whatever. Go kill Batta."
"Who's Batta?"
"I AM!" cried the remaining bandit joyously.
"Batta sounds like the name of one of the Besaid Aurochs… they've got Keepa, they can always use Batta…"
"AAH!" Mira shouted in frustration. "Just kill him already!"
"Do you think you can stand up to Batta the Beast?" Batta asked as Lyn stabbed him several times. "Oh, I guess you can," he said, and died.
"Lyn gains experience in each encounter. When she has—"
"SHUT UP, MR. ANNOUNCER NARRATOR MAN!" everyone screamed.
"But but but… I still have to tell you about the Weapon Triangle!"
"NO!" everyone cried.
"Fine, have it your way," the narrator announcer man huffed. "But I'll be back next chapter…"
"At least he's gone," Mira said. "Now, capture the housey thing. Ger. Whatever you call it."
"Good work, Mira! Let's go home!" Lyn shouted as she captured the ger.
They went home.
"Good morning, Mira," Lyn said the next morning. "Are you awake yet?"
Mira, who had been sitting at a table drinking tea, replied, "No, Lyn, I am most certainly NOT awake."
"Oh, okay," Lyn replied obliviously. "I'll let you sleep, then."
"…I'm awake, dumbass."
"Oh. Yeah. Well. That fight yesterday must have taken a lot out of you. Would you allow me to travel with you?"
"What?"
"Well, you're obviously going somewhere interesting, and you probably don't move very fast, seeing as your sprite moves about a square an hour…"
"Oh, fine. Ask your parents."
"THEY'RE DEAD!" Lyn cried to the accompaniment of yet another MIDI blaring in the background. "I've been alone for so long…"
"Hey, it could be worse. You could look like a member of the opposite sex."
"HEY!" yelled Lucius. "It's not my fault I'm pretty! I mean, I'm just—AAH!"
Lucius's complaints were replaced with screams of terror as Serra ran at him, shouting "Oh Lucy! Lucy! Do you want to go SHOPPING!"
Lyn and Mira chose to ignore the interesting crowd backstage, and continued their discussion.
".. .. .. .." said Lyn.
"How very interesting—oh no!" Mira said, noticing that Lyn's theme song had started playing yet again.
"Well, let's get going," Lyn replied. "We can't save the world by sitting here alone, can we?"
She narrowly missed being hit in the head with a frying pan. The screen turned black, and Mira was once again confronted by the omniscient announcer narrator man.
"Travel with Lyn, Mira. Give her your aid, and master the art of combat. COMPLETE THE TASKS set out in each chapter, and—"
"Oh my God, shut up."