Chapter 12
It wasn't until after I'd taken the anti-depressants that I remembered something about them. They make you tired.
I paced around the house; I had to do something to keep from falling asleep. I hadn't had a nightmare last night, but I was afraid that I would. I started banging my head into a wall, I was desperate.
"Stay awake, stay awake," I said to myself. Then I heard someone say, "Ponyboy, what are you doing?"
I turned around to see Soda standing in the doorway. I looked at the clock; it was only five. He normally doesn't get home until eight. What was he doing here?
"Pony," Soda said as he walked over to me. He put his hand on my shoulder, "Are you OK? What were you doing?"
I wanted to tell him everything. About what the Socs at school had said, about how I felt responsible about the fight between him and Steve. How I had taken the anti-depressants because I felt so bad. But I didn't, I didn't want to worry him.
"I'm just not feeling too good," I said.
Soda still looked kind of worried. Maybe he didn't believe me, he had every reason not to; it had been a pathetic lie.
"You're sure?" Soda asked. "Two-Bit came down the DX and said that you were acting kind of funny. I left work early; I wanted to make sure that you were alright."
Again that voice inside me was screaming at me to tell Soda everything. But I knew that I shouldn't, I would just be worrying him more. Why did I have to be crazy? I should be back in the asylum where I belong. I didn't want to tell Soda that I wasn't alright, but I didn't want to lie to him again so I tried to change the subject.
"So…did work go OK?" Soda and Steve work together, maybe they had gotten into another fight and Soda would tell me about it. Then I'd be off the hook. Of course, nothing ever goes my way.
"That won't work Pony," Soda said; shaking his head. "If anything that makes me think even more that something is wrong."
I sighed. "I don't know."
"What?" Soda asked.
"I…I just don't know!" I yelled. "Why can't you leave me alone?" I turned away from Soda and bolted into the room that we shared and closed and locked the door behind me. Soda knocked loudly on the door for several minutes trying to get me to come out, but I wasn't leaving.
I sulked in our room for five hours.
Most of the time I was asleep, but while I was awake I decided not to have emotions. They just get in the way. They make your brothers worry, and they get you put in insane asylums. After I'd decided this, I got up and left the room. I was halfway to the living room when I heard Darry and Soda talking.
"So, he locked you out of the room?" Darry asked.
"Yeah," Soda said. "He's been sulking for the past five hours. I heard him crying once or twice. Darry, I'm worried about him."
"I know, I am too," Darry said. "If he's not out of there in ten minutes, I'm either breaking the door down or taking the doorknob off. This doesn't sound good. He's not acting right."
There was silence for a few seconds before Darry said, "I mentioned calling his Psychologist last night, just to ask him about the nightmares. Pony got scared and did the same thing, locked himself in his room. I woke up in the middle of the night, and he had come into my room and was sleeping next to me. It was like he was trying to say he was sorry, but it still bothered me."
"So, he felt guilty," Soda said. "I would have too."
"But it wasn't just about that," Darry said. "He feels guilty about Aurora, and for worrying us. He just doesn't understand…"
"Darry," Soda interrupted. "What if he has a blade? What if he cut himself and now he's bleeding to death, what if he's already dead?"
I heard Darry and Soda get out of their chairs as fast as they could. One of the chairs fell over. I had been crouching in the hallway, but I quickly got up. I had just stood up when Darry ran into me and sent me sprawling onto the floor.
"Pony," Darry said as he picked me up. "I'm so sorry. Are you OK?"
Now the inside voice was telling me to tell Darry everything, but no. I was supposed to not have emotions. I couldn't tell him.
"I'm fine," I said.
"You're sure?" Darry asked. I noticed he was looking at my arms; probably making sure I hadn't cut myself.
"Yeah," I said.
Darry nodded, "Well…OK. You didn't eat dinner, are you hungry?"
I shook my head, "My stomach feels sort of funny," I lied. "I think I'll just go to bed."
"We were just about to turn in too," Soda said. He and Darry were both looking at me worriedly.
While we got ready for bed either Darry or Soda kept an eye on me. They had every reason to be worried, but they weren't making me feel any better. I couldn't help but wonder if Soda would sleep that night, or if he would stay awake to make sure that I didn't cut myself in my sleep or something.
I was just starting to fall asleep when Soda said, "Pony?"
"Yeah," I replied.
"You know that Darry and I love you don't you?" he asked.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Alright," Soda said. "'Night, Pony."
"'Night," I said.
I wondered about how Darry and Soda could love me if I didn't love myself until I finally fell asleep.