Chapter 13
I was going back to school tomorrow.
It had been a week since I'd decided not to have emotions, and it wasn't working out too well. Well, maybe it was; it kind of depended on how you looked at it.
Darry and Soda finally felt like I was getting used to life out of the asylum, and they seemed like they were worrying less about me. Darry was proud of me, and he filled out all the papers and junk to get me back in school. He even talked to the track coach to see if I could try out late. He and Soda were so proud of me.
I however felt awful. Sure, I was glad that Darry and Soda weren't on my back all the time, but everything else was bad. I was feeling even more depressed than normal. Darry had thrown out the anti-depressants because he thought that I didn't need them anymore. When he and Soda had gone to sleep, I got up and dug through the garbage until I found the bottle of anti-depressants. I'd been taking one every day, and I was almost out. I couldn't get a refill on them, and I didn't know what I was going to do when I finally ran out.
I wanted to strangle Darry when he said that he had filled out the paperwork and I would be going back to school. I almost did strangle him when he said that he had talked to the track coach and asked if I could try out. The coach said yes; just my luck. I was also going to be in all advanced classes. I had been before I went to the asylum, but I didn't think that I could do it anymore. Back then, I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt like that guy from Greek mythology, Atlas, who had to hold the Earth for the rest of his life. No, I don't feel like him, I envy him. He had it easy. The world is nothing compared to what I have to deal with now.
I've been having more and more nightmares about Aurora. I don't wake up screaming anymore, they just scare me. They aren't about her going to New York anymore; they're all about the same thing. I'm standing by her grave, putting flowers and a stuffed animal rabbit there. I go back the next day, and the flowers are gone, but the rabbit is still there. That happened every day until there was a whole army of stuffed animal rabbits standing next to her grave. I would go back one day, and Aurora would be playing with the stuffed animal rabbits. For some reason, I didn't think it was all that strange. And I would ask her "What happened to the flowers?" Then Aurora would say: "I gave them to some people that I love. They needed them more than I did."
Then Aurora nodded to two gravestones next to hers, they both had flowers on them. At first I thought that they were my parent's, but when I looked closer, I noticed that the first name said Dallas Winston and the other one said Ponyboy Michael Curtis. I looked at Aurora in shock, I couldn't be dead. Aurora was still innocently playing with the stuffed animal rabbits. "Aurora," I said, "This isn't right. I'm not dead."
"Of course you are." Aurora said. "Don't you remember, you killed yourself right after you talked to your brothers?" I would try to ask Aurora what she meant, but she would disappear before I could ask.
The dream scared me so bad that I didn't talk to Darry and Soda for a day or two; I wasn't ready to die yet. I was depressed, sure, but not suicidal. Once I talked to them and I didn't die, I decided that it was just a dream, that it didn't mean anything. But if the dream didn't mean anything, how come it happens so often? I hadn't told Darry or Soda about the dream, and I was pretending to be excited about going back to school. I even went so far as to tell Darry that I had called some of my old friends. That was a complete lie, I wouldn't have done something so stupid, and even if I had they probably would have said something like "Ponyboy who?" or "Sorry, but I don't hang out with crazy people."
That night at dinner Soda was telling us (in great detail) about his day at work. He and Steve still hadn't made up, and I still felt responsible about causing a fight between my brother and his best friend. Soda was telling us about how Steve had dumped a can of motor oil on his head when Darry interrupted by saying, "Pony, you're awful quiet? Are you feeling OK, you're not sick are you?"
"No," I replied. "I'm fine."
I looked at the clock, it was almost ten. "It's getting late. I probably should go to bed, I have school tomorrow," I said. I started to stand up, but Darry stopped me.
"You hardly touched your dinner," he said.
"I'm just not that hungry," I said. "I'm just nervous I guess."
Darry nodded. "Alright," he said.
I took a shower and then flopped into bed. I didn't want tomorrow to come; maybe I could stop time somehow. No, that would be impossible. I had to go to school.
But I knew I wouldn't enjoy it.