Chapter 16
The next morning I got up and got dressed for school. I didn't want to go. Maybe I could tell Darry how horrible school was now; I think he and Soda suspect something. I was starting to walk out the door when Darry stopped me.
"You're not going to school today," Darry said.
"What?" I asked. I didn't want to go to school, but this wasn't like Darry. Why was he keeping me home? I wasn't sick.
"Your teachers keep calling me and complaining that you're falling asleep during class," Darry said. "I'm sick of them calling me. I'm keeping you home today so that you can get some rest and pay attention tomorrow."
I nodded. I didn't really care.
"And I'm not going to let this keep me and Soda out of work," Darry said. "I expect you to behave yourself. Is that clear?"
I nodded again.
"Good, now go back to bed," Darry said.
I walked back to the room that Soda and I share and flopped down on the bed. There was really no difference between school and home anymore. All I did was sleep both at school and at home. At school I get made fun of, and at home I get yelled at. It's probably good that Darry is keeping me home though, at least I won't have to suffer as much today.
Soda came in to tell me goodbye before he and Darry left for work.
"Darry isn't mad at you Pony," Soda said. "He's just worried."
I nodded; I didn't feel much like talking. Plus, I didn't believe Soda.
I fell asleep and slept until about one. Then I got up and watched TV; there wasn't anything good on. I started thinking about school. I thought that it was good that I was staying home today, but once I started thinking about it, it wasn't. The rumors would probably be even worse tomorrow. Everyone would probably think that I had tried to kill myself again. School would be even worse than before. What was I going to do?
I started pacing around the house. I started thinking about suicide again. No! I couldn't do that. I'm scaring myself. I started thinking about calling Dr. Murphy. I couldn't do that either, he would be disappointed. He said that he was always there for me, but I was letting him down by thinking about doing suicide again. I wanted to scream. What was I going to do?
It's five o'clock and I'm sitting on my bed. Staring down the barrel of Darry's hunting rifle. I thought he'd sold it when mom and dad died to help pay for the funeral bills, but he hadn't. Maybe part of him was actually afraid that we would get robbed someday.
My suicide note was lying on the bedside table next to me, it said:
Darry and Soda,
I'm sorry it had to end this way, but this is the best thing for all of us. I'm hurting more than you could ever imagine. I've been telling you that school is fine, but it's not. It's a waking nightmare. I'm so depressed. Darry, you know when you threw out the anti-depressants? Well, after you and Soda were asleep I got up and dug them out of the garbage. I ran out of them over a month ago, and I've been taking Aspirin every day. I know you were wondering where they went, so now you know.
I know that my being gone is going to hurt you, but you'll suffer a lot less than if I was alive. Just remember that I'm in a better place, and I wanted to die.
I love you guys,
Ponyboy
I was crying. I wasn't scared, I was just crying. I wondered what it would feel like to have a bullet go through my head. I probably wouldn't feel it at all, I'd be dead. I remembered when we used to go and shoot deer, and how I didn't want to kill them. Dad got mad at me, and I had been so upset. Back then though, I didn't know the meaning up upset.
So this was it, I was going to be another statistic, another deer getting shot. Suddenly I didn't care. I just wanted it to be over. I was about to pull the trigger when I heard the front door open.
"Pony," I heard Darry say.
Oh no! They were home! I had to get this over with fast. I pulled the trigger and…nothing happened. I realized that it was still on safety. I hurriedly took the gun off safety.
"Pony?" Darry's voice was closer. Then he was screaming, "PONY! NO! PUT IT DOWN! DON'T!"
There was a loud crash as the gun fell to the floor. The next thing I knew, Darry was next to me, holding me as tightly as he could and crying.
"I'm sorry, Darry," was all that I could say.