Welcome to you both."
"Hi."
"So, apparently the other consoles have broken down! How do you feel about being the only couple lucky enough to have survived this unfortunate malfunction?"
"Twist of fate. We just feel sorry for them, that the fragile Tau'ri equipment broke so easily." Harry tries to look inconspicuous as he shoves a pair of wire cutters into his pocket
"Damn shame. Terrible."
"But you're glad to be here?"
"Of course, of course."
"Good. So, Anise Freya – that's an unusual name. Care to tell us how you came about it?"
"I did not 'come about it'. Freya was the name of my host, Anise was that of my symbiont."
"Excuse me?"
"She means that Freya was her host's name, erm, the person who looked after her when she was younger, erm, she's an orphan, erm, and Anise was the name of her mother, erm, dead mother, erm, who she always felt was with her for many years, erm, after her death, obviously. Erm, yeah."
"You seem to know her family history quite well, Harry. So, have you two been together a long time then?"
"No. We joined for the purpose of this TV show, for the benfit of the Tok'ra/Earth alliance."
"The what?"
"She means that we haven't been an official couple very long, we've obviously been together at least 2 years, wouldn't have let us on the show otherwise, would we? Haha."
"Yes, quite. What did she say about Toke something?"
"Erm, Tok'ra? That's the name of… the obscure religious sect we're in. It's very strict and, erm, we are forbidden to talk about it to outsiders."
"Of course you are. Anyway, let's start the questions, shall we?"
dramatic music and lighting
"For £100, which of these is a type of fish? Is it A: catfish, B: horse fish, C: elephant fish or D: hyena fish?"
"Erm, I'm not sure. Anise? What do you think?"
"It is your world. I just perform evil experiments in it."
"Great lot of help you are."
"I knew the question posed to Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill earlier about the molecule of hydrogen."
"It's not the questions I'm worrying about – it's the answers!"
"Ahem. Can I have your answer please?"
"Erm, not yet. Can we go 50-50?"
"Well, if you want to, sure, why not! Computer, please take away two wrong answers. Well, you're left with A: catfish and C: elephant fish."
"You have voice recognition computers?"
"Erm, well, kind of."
"This technology has not been told to us! This is a breach of our alliance! I must inform the High Council!"
"Is she on about your religion again?"
"Erm, yes, of course she is. Anise, they're not voice-activated. It's pretend so it looks good on TV. Isn't it, Chris?"
"Well-"
"Isn't it?" menacing look from Maybourne
"Erm, of course. That's right. Not real at all. Haha."
"See?"
"Oh. OK."
"Great. So, have you decided on an answer yet?"
"Erm, no. Can we ask the audience?"
"Of course you can! This day is getting better now after all!"
"Get on with it, please."
"Alright, alright… OK, audience! Keypads at the ready, and vote now!" music plays as audience frantically push buttons "Well, it seems pretty conclusive to me. 99 think it's A, catfish, and one person seems to think it might be C, elephant fish!"
hilarious laughter. Embarrassed audience member tries to sneak out inconspicuously
"So, what do you two think?"
"I still don't know… can I phone a friend?"
"If you really want to."
"I'll phone Jack, then."
"As in the one who was in here earlier?"
"That's him."
"OK. Here goes…" phone rings
"Hello?"
"Hi, Jack, it's Chris Tarrant here, from 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'"
"Oh, you. What do you want?"
"I've got Harry Maybourne and Anise Freya here, they're a little stuck on the first question. Do you think you could help?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Hi Jack!"
"Hello Maybourne."
"Jack, which of these is a fish? A catfish or an elephant fish?" snorts of laughter from Jack
"You don't know? Grief, Maybourne, you're even more of an idiot than I thought you were."
"Just tell me the answer, will you?"
"OK, OK. It's A, catfish. Have fun!"
"I will. Bye Jack."
"Bye."
"So, what's your answer then?"
"I think we'll go with C, elephant fish."
"Didn't everyone else say catfish?"
"Yes, but everyone hates me, especially Jack. He's got a major conspiracy against me – he'd just jealous, he'd do anything to stop me winning the money."
"Right… so that's your final answer?"
"Yes."
"OK, well, it's wrong. I'm afraid you two are mindless morons, please go back to America and never set foot in this country again. If you ever do, it will be too soon."
"So what do we win?"
"Nothing! Grief…" buzzer sounds "Well, it appears that that's all we have time for today! Thank you for watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', goodbye!"
Host walks off and is heard muttering something about a dinner date with Anne Robinson as the lights dim and cameras stop rolling. Anise hits Maybourne with her handbag and storms off
"Well, of all the nerve…"
He follows her off-stage, spurred on by the audience chanting 'Jerry, Jerry'…