Chapter 12: How I Ended Up Here

It's funny sometimes, how life works out. I think I was beginning to realize through the dazed muddled shock bouncing around in my head. Yugi was pulling me, holding my wrist and leading. I don't think he knew I was bleeding badly. It didn't even feel it anymore. The puzzle was in one hand and the other was curled around my side. I wondered if that was good or bad around the other thoughts. They'd come like damn pop-ups. I'm looking at the Street and then bang; there's the pool. Side of a building then bang; children's laughter. Shit like that.

And I was still wheezing but blood wasn't flowing as quickly as it had been. In that unfocused place the light dims in the outside world. I can hear a whisper of gasping perhaps, and a vague swirl of cream rough walls and papers is enough to say we're in an office building. I felt like laughing my head off because I knew exactly where we were and how damn funny it had to be.

And a big flash hits home right between the eyes. Hot dizzily heat smokes into my nostrils, soaked with desert flowers and blazing sand. And children's laughter rings like bells. They're playing in the courtyard that just shimmers to life, but it's far and sweet. Swinging down I can see the tanned exposed skin, soft and smooth to the touch, before that is. It would've been before. Now it was coated with smeared blood as well as a long shaft that stuck out wrong, an intruder. Feathered at the end, and bopping with heaving breathes. "Master why are you crying?"

I take a hard breath and find I'm in the elevator. The tug pulling from the floor is coaxing enough for me to slide down the wall and sit there, everything spinning a little. Warm metal is between my gloved hands, and I'm looking at for what it is with a heaving chest. Blood is dripping down my nose now. I wipe at it in bemused bristle of fingers before a cold hand settled on my forehead and purple eyes are wide and awake.

"Kaiba's right?" I asked wheezing. He smiled despite the strange panic in his eyes. One hand was lying on top of the puzzle while the other was checking my head. I was sweating hard by now.

"You're hot." He said.

"It happens when you get shot." I said a little groggily, "You should put the puzzle, charm, whatever the damn thing is, on. Tab wanted it, what better reason to keep it?" It was meant as a joke. He didn't laugh, but put the chain around his neck all the same. The purple deepened in his eyes to new depths. The Pharaoh woke up wider as he sat down next to me, keeping the puzzle in my hands as he picked at the side of my shirt that was bleeding.

"I need to look at this." He said.

"What are you, a doctor?" I asked in a snarl. I got a simple hard stare before lifting my shirt up sideways so he could look at the damage. A clean hole that came out the other side; high up around my shoulder. I can imagine it, the light shining through the other side like a winking star. No wonder I was bleeding like a stuffed pig. Or was before. It looked like it was trying to clot. It wasn't flowing anymore. He looked at it with tentative fingers. I winced anyway. In response he pulled away, and tore the jacket off his back and looped it around, tying a hard and tight knot under my arm pit. I refused to look at him when he did this. When that was done he pulled away, frowning at it.

"I don't know why you even bother. It's going to be like last time." I said spinning. Then wondered why I had said 'like last time'. He looked at me startled and…was there the barest flicker of fear? I held the jacket down, watching it slowly stain over a few sluggish minutes.

"What are you talking about?" He asked. I opened my mouth to answer when a flash struck me again. "Master, why are you crying?" "I c-c-can't stop the b-b-bleeding…" "Of course not, I'm supposed to die." The lights in the ceiling were weaving around like living flying serpents. I was shivering now, feeling colder than I should, and why not? I was loosing a lot of blood by that time. I shook the question away with a weak wave.

"Forget it. Not important. You realize why Tab's after the puzzle, right?"

"Yeah, power and world domination, like every other one." It was bitter reply. I looked at him curiously enough, but that would have to be a story for later. If there was a later. I shook my head, and realized it was pretty stupid to do with all the spinning already, closed my eyes, hoping for a little bit of sweet darkness.

I got a tanned faced kid instead. A kid crying his eyes out despite everything. Big purple eyes brimming with tears; and a few smears of blood where he tried to wipe them away. Hot wind ruffles his hair, a big bunch it is above and around his forehead. My hands rise up, tanned due to the constant sunlight, and lanced my fingers around the sides of his face, whipping tears away with my thumbs as a phantom humming began. A little gurgled, but still a hum.

Opening my eyes I realized it was the same god damn tune on the piano and the chorus had been singing. I have to shove the creeping thought away, but can't before realizing I'm dying for real and sealing it up tight in the back of my head. I refused to look at him.

"Nah. It's something else." I said to myself, not speaking of motive at all. "Tab's doom; it has to be the Cheats, to the game. The stupid game program, Yami, the stupid program."

"Who told you my name was Yami?" He asked.

"You did." I said distractedly, "You're the freaking Cheat Codes. So you can get him. He may have control of the scenery and the people, nature and practically everything else I can't think of right now, but not you. He said he didn't have the player controls or the Cheats."

"No I didn't." He said. I looked at him confused.

"What?"

"I didn't tell you my name was Yami." No, no he didn't. I gritted my teeth in frustration.

"That's not important, you idiot!" I say, half coughing it. Warm blood is trickling down the side of my mouth as tears start brimming against my eyes, "You got to get him! He's going to screw everything up and all that other horrible shit people do to worlds. And that's not right, and you're the only one that's able to get the bastard. You hear me?" God, I was trying to keep my face out of view. The tears were coming down now and I had no control of them. How wickedly horrible was this? It was unfair. I was not supposed to cry ever. Do you understand me? Ever! I was craning my neck away, but how you hide on coming sobs without running? And where the hell did I have to go? No where!

And in a way I realize I've actually dreamed about this, I feel his palms on my cheeks and thumbing tears from beneath my eyes, like I had done to him when he was a boy. The young eight year old boy of the Pharaoh, kneeling his dying servant with cold sorrow and pain ripping at his face so calmly it hurt to watch. And in a way, like in dreams that seem to easily correct themselves without screwing up your thoughts or making you wonder, I wasn't just a servant, I had been chosen to be his protector. Kind of like a bodyguard, but also like a Nanny.

It had been my job and I did it right. I had got the intruder, the bastard, in the chest with my own arrow but only after I had to take a shot in the side to cover the boy. I think it was looking up at him I realized he didn't understand death yet. What a hard lesson to learn this up close and personal. How could Ra be so cruel? Even worse the kid starting tearing up.

"Why are you crying Master?" It's a wheeze, but a cooing one.

"I c-c-can't stop the b-b-bleeding…" I grinned up at him for an amused moment.

"Of course not, I'm supposed to die. That's my job." I raised my hands and thumbed away some of his tears, shushing him sweetly. He was still sobbing a little and his breath was hitching but it wasn't as bad as before. I moved my hands away from his face and picked myself up, trying to hide the pain in my clenched teeth before leaning against the tree trunk that had been above my head.

It was a relief to feel the blood freely flowing. I shifted my arms and drew him close to my chest in a hug, and found I was humming a lullaby my father taught me before he died in battle. The soldier's daughter, right? A crisp sweet lullaby of the warrior's final journey home. What better tune was there for the moment, right?

It calmed him down. He stopped quivering in my arms as I buried my nose in his hair and kept humming, even through the gurgling in my lungs began. Gray was licking at the edges of my vision and I knew the journey through the Gates was close. I hoped I would have an after-life, which Ra would see me befitting such a thing and that maybe I could see this small child grow up to be strong. I'd love to see him again when he was older. I know a great soul when I see one, always do, and I could feel one pulsing beneath his young skin.

Feel that warm thudding as I drifted away…

I had my arms around his shoulders when I came out of that flash and was humming the song again. Sweet and crisp lullaby. A soldier's woeful tale of demise, the slaughter of his brothers in arms, and the tears of loved ones around his crypt. Sweet remembrance. He smelled a little different, but beneath that new aroma his scent was still there as I let myself lean on him.

It was amusing to hear how fast his blood was pumping. The beating of his heart sounded like the panicky flutter of bird's wings. Maybe it was because we where the same age and I was not his elder and this was the stage when our kin would pick life long partners. This is what my old, ancient self was whispering in my ear. Maybe, but I like to think it wasn't really about that. (It's easy to lie to yourself after all, and I've heard after a while you can believe it. I don't mind. Sometimes a lie is better than truth.)An old fear rises when such a thing is brought up.

You wouldn't believe how hard it is for a heart to heal. Wouldn't believe how hard it is to even keep it open. I suppose that's why I was sure I'd be alone in that sense for now and ever. I've woven that place tightly closed, and forgotten how to open it. To tell the truth, I doubt if I'll ever really remember how to open it, and it doesn't bother me as much as it should I guess. It's hard to be strong, and in that regard I'm sure I failed, but hey, life goes on right?

"Why did you die?" A simple question, but it was at a depth that was far and wide. I'm sure he was speaking from his own galaxy in his own mind, a place I'm sure that forgotten things are stored. Things your mind doesn't really need and would conflict with everyday life. I found mine alright, so why shouldn't he find his?

"Nothing lasts forever." I say in a tone that if it had movement it would be a casual shrug. And maybe I feel amusement stir in him, I've never been good with reading people and I'm sure I never will.

"It wasn't fair."

"Course not. Life's a cheater sometimes."

"Life's cruel."

"Yeah, that's right kid." I said, a little softer. It felt amusing, in a sad twisted sense of logic. Part of me wanted to tell him it wasn't so bad dying. Maybe even a kind of relief if you're ready for it. I was getting cold but I could ignore that for a while. He was warm anyway. It was kind of like having a fever. His voice sounded very distant, like he was more in a trance than anything else. This conversation would probably be stored and be forgotten. I'm sure it would probably conflict too much, anyway.

"How long do you think you have left?" I did actually shrug. It was a slow sluggish movement.

"I don't know, probably less than ten minutes."

"We won't reach Kaiba in time." I considered that, before a grin slipped slowly onto my face.

"Remember we use to play hide-and-seek? He couldn't play that game for shit. We'd always find him first and he never could find any of us. It was the only thing he wasn't good at. You use to give him shit about it when he tried to gloat."

I told him, while in my mind's eye I could see the little boy, yeah he was going to go up to be the High Priest I remembered that much, trying to climb in a pot once to escape me coming around the corner. That sour look of contempt he always gave me was good in the beginning. I wonder maybe that's how he perfected it. With a lot of practice. I started to chuckle a little, and then had to cough against a hot lick of pain, but that wasn't too bad because I could sense a smile playing on his lips, for a moment. It was a precious moment.

"I never died. I slept through centuries of darkness." A distant fact, then added.

"I don't want to go back there."

"Don't have to…Shhhh…" I whispered feather-light at the shaking that started in his form. Fresh sobs were trying to escape, but he held them locked tight in his throat. My hands were getting rained on with his tears dripping from his face. I padded him, not really noticing the blood getting transferred to his shoulder. Stroked the back of his head, ruffled his hair up a little bit. Everything was getting gray. It was close now, and it's amazing how similar endings are. I found the gun on the floor, a few feet from me, reached for it with sluggish gasping fingers, found it, and more or less dragged it to where his thigh was. I was humming again, softly, before speaking.

"I want you to use this if you need to. Not to kill yourself, I'll be furious with you if you do, but if it comes to protecting a life, you have to use it. Understand?"

I took his hand and laced it gently around the handle, but kept his fingers away from the trigger. It's the sort of thing you never need an answer to. It was simple, and I didn't really have any time to coax one out of him.

Didn't matter much anyway. He'd fix it. Strong souls are placed where they do the job their meant to do. More or less the task gets done, and they move on to the next thing. It's the way they're built and how they survive. To be needed is a necessity, even if it's only a little. That's what I see. I don't know about you, but that's what I see.

And I was humming even still, hearing the piano keys and maybe a handcrafted flute, made of reed or bone, of ancient times behind even that. Maybe it was the sound of a chorus or one strong deep voice of a man. I don't think I'll ever really be able to tell. Grayness seeped in like water, ate away at reality, and strengthened into a dark, dark black. I wonder sometimes maybe if Silver was actually singing the chorus or not, but again I'm never going to know.

And that's how the story ends for me. Passing out into oblivion in an elevator with an old powerful soul that I'm sure and rather sad to know probably started sobbing after I stopped breathing. I like to think the elevator door opened and Kaiba found him. Helped him up off the floor and helped him coax that memory into a deep dark place were he wouldn't have to remember it. Hugged him like a brother. I can't picture him crying, Seto I mean, and I hope never to have to see it. I wonder if my body will stay in the elevator or vanish like those monsters vanished, in that game. And I wonder how the video game makers will explain seven dead corpses.

I also like to think they found Tabber and brought him down to ruin in some form as a team, like the good friends they were so many years ago. I know Tabber is at least down for the count. I haven't seen him, and think soon you'll be meeting him yourself. I don't see Yami around here anywhere so I assume he got him.

But then I assume he'd come here if he was killed. I guess I can't really know that huh? All the same, that's how I like to think that confrontation ended, that chapter closed. I'll never really know unless I find Yami again and ask him. And that wouldn't be for a while cause you're obviously going to give him a few more jobs; milk him for all he's worth, before finally giving him his reward and shipping him here. I guess I'll see him then. Or maybe I'll run into Mokuba (please not him first he's so young) or Joey or anyone else that knew him, if I run into any of them.

I mean you're not going to give me another shot. I did that whole reincarnated thing, I got to see the boy grow up and that old powerful soul at full height. I don't need to do it again. Like I said, if I hadn't woven that place, the room in my heart, too tightly, then I probably would want to go back and try again. Like a gambler so addicted to gambling that he plays Russian roulette every waking moment before finally blowing his brains out. That's the soldier's game right? The Siren song of that damned bullet if I ever saw one.

But I suppose I'm just trying to get around the real question here. Or maybe you meant for me to get side tracked by telling you how I got here, or that you have Silver grayish eyes that look a lot like Silence's. You have the same face shape as her. Or maybe she got it from you. She's a relative of yours? Or maybe Tabber is. Is that the whole scheme here? A little family tiff that got a little out of hand? But that's not for me to complain about. Nope, I'm getting side tracked again.

I need to get to the real question here, the one we're both avoiding here. Now that my little story is out and the open and told, you got to answer that one question for me. How about it? Just a small little answer, you've got me fairly curious by now.

How about it, Anubis, which one's heavier?

The Heart or the Feather?