BETWEEN FATHERS AND SONS

SUMMARY: Alexander is tormented by the thought that he has lost Hephaestion to Philip. Hephaestion, meanwhile, has made an important decision about his relationship with Alexander - but it may be too late.

CHAPTER 4: LOVER

Hephaestion gave a weary sigh as he dismounted from his horse and made his way into the dormitory. He felt lighter and happier than he had in what seemed such a terribly long time. Guiltily he realised he had not let Alexander know what was happening, but in the rush of it all, the terrible fear, the clash of emotions, he had simply lost all sense of time.

He had learned something in these past few days. He had learned just how precious and vulnerable love could be. He had learned that it was worth taking great risks for, even making great sacrifices. He had treated Alexander unfairly, but only because he was so afraid that it would be an act of betrayal. Now he realised it didn't matter. Alexander had offered him his love, had offered him himself, and nothing mattered more than that, not even Hephaestion's honour.

He was overjoyed to find Alexander in their bedroom. Throwing his cloak onto the bed, he smiled warmly at his beloved and stepped toward him.

Alexander struck out explosively, hitting Hephaestion so hard across the side of the head that the other boy fell sprawling back onto his bed with a cry of shock and pain. Before he could recover, Alexander was upon him, twisting his arms back over his head and holding him down with the weight of his own body. "Alexander – get off me, you're hurting me!"

"Hurting you – don't make me laugh!" Alexander sneered, grabbing hold of Hephaestion's hair and jerking his head back, "What do you know about pain? I gave you my heart, I offered you my body – do you know how hard that was? Didn't it mean anything at all? You whore!" he spat the word into his face, "you accursed whore! Why not me? WHY NOT ME!"

"Alexander – stop – what are you…" Hephaestion's protest was cut short by the slap of Alexander's hand across his cheek. For a moment Hephaestion simply lay passive, stunned, his head aching from the first blow, utterly stupefied by Alexander's behaviour. But then his fighter's instincts took over. He pulled his legs up until his feet rested upon Alexander's diaphragm and then kicked out with all his might, sending the smaller boy flying onto the floor. Hephaestion immediately sprang up, ready to defend himself, but Alexander stayed where he was, hugging his knees to his chest and trembling violently. All at once he began to cry, softly and pitifully.

"Why…?" Hephaestion heard him whimper, tearing at his own hair, "why him…? Why not me…? I loved you, I loved you…"

Hephaestion lay still on the bed for several moments. His body ached and he had begun to shiver as the initial shock faded, but the sound of Alexander's plaintive weeping seemed to recall him from deep within himself. "Alexander…?"

"I would have given you… whatever you… wanted… needed… did you ever love me? Ever? At all…?"

"Alexander, I love you more than life!" Hephaestion slid off the bed and sank down beside him, ignoring his feeble struggles and pulling him into his arms, pressing him close. "By Zeus, what has possessed you? What is this about? You must know you're my only love, there's never been anyone else!"

"I saw you!" Alexander gulped, "I saw you with him! I saw you – in – in his arms!"

"Who?"

"My FATHER!" Alexander wailed, shaking his head from side to side, "I saw you leave with him! All this time I loved you and you were – were his – "

"No!" Hephaestion pushed Alexander back, forcing him to be still so he could look into his eyes. "Alexander, where have you got this madness from? Your father just came to take me to my mother! He left me with her!"

"Liar!" Alexander struggled against him, "my father is a king, not some messenger-boy! Why would he – "

"Because they thought she was dying!" Hephaestion shook him fiercely, anger gripping him for the first time. "She fell ill two weeks ago! She kept insisting I shouldn't be told, though Laius wanted to come for me, then she got worse! So he petitioned your father, who sent his own physician to her. When they thought she wouldn't survive, he came to get me himself. He didn't tell them, he just came."

"But – but I saw you…"

"I embraced him because I was upset, tormented by guilt, terrified of losing her… and grateful to him! I care for your father, Alexander, but as a nephew cares for a kind uncle, nothing more that! My father is dead, I have no-one else to care for me like that! When Father was killed, it was King Philip himself who came to tell us!"

"But why?" Alexander demanded, "what were you to him that…"

"I was nothing. Nobody. Just as I told you I was that day we met! My father, Amyntor…" Hephaestion hesitated, then pressed on, "my father was a spy for your father, in Athens – one of the best operatives he had. He was also a very good friend. Maybe more than that, I don't know. The way your father talked to me about him… anyway, he trusted him completely. He… never told me exactly how he died, but I know he was caught and executed and they never gave back his body. They must have… must have tortured him…"

"Hephaestion…" Alexander went limp under his grip for the first time, his grey eyes softening, growing human once again.

"But he never broke," Hephaestion declared with fragile pride, "King Philip told me he never broke!"

"And your mother…" Alexander shifted, seeming to realise what Hephaestion had been saying for the first time, "is she…"

Hephaestion blinked back tears. "She's all right. Laius said it was because I came, but I doubt that… she's strong… very strong… it made me realise so much, Alexander… I had no right to try and force her to live alone, until I fell in love with you, really in love, I didn't know how lonely it could be without love… but even then I told myself it wasn't the same for her. I was cruel to her and I'm so sorry for it. Laius is a good, kind man and he loves her."

"Gods, Hephaestion, have I really been so… so stupid…?" Alexander gasped, clutching at his own head, "when you went away with him… I couldn't help it…"

"But why? Why would you even think…?"

"You don't know my father, Hephaestion," Alexander replied softly. "You don't know my parents. Here." He reached into his chiton and drew out a crumpled letter. "It's from my mother. I – want you to read it."

Hephaestion stared at him for a moment, then took it from him, still cradling Alexander in one arm. What he read, the accusations, the demands, the laments, stunned him. Had he really misjudged Philip so badly? Amyntor had trusted him – had even loved him. And he had treated Hephaestion with kindness and compassion well beyond his duty. There were two sides to any story; Hephaestion was beginning to realise when it came to Alexander's family there were many more sides than that. "You thought I was the new whore," he said with a wry smile.

Alexander winced. "It's… not all his fault. its mother too," he admitted reluctantly, "and maybe… me… but you weren't raised at Court, you don't know what it's like…"

"I still think a great deal of your father, Alexander," Hephaestion said resolutely, handing back the letter, "I owe him a great debt, he was… kind to me, more than he ever needed to be. And he never…"

"Would you have liked him to?" Alexander blurted out. "No, I mean – you don't want me, so…"

"Alexander…" Hephaestion sighed deeply, taking Alexander's face in his hands, "I've always wanted you. But I thought I was taking advantage, betraying the trust King Philip placed in me by seducing his son!"

"Hephaestion, you haven't exactly seduced…"

"Alexander, I'm nobody, just as I said! If it was just that you wanted to… to… amuse yourself with me, the way the other boys do with one another… my being nobody wouldn't matter. But when you – you, Prince Alexander, son of Philip, say you love me… when you offer me not only your heart but your precious body too… who was I to accept such gifts? What right did I have to take them after King Philip had already given me this much? My father was the hero, not me!"

"My body and my heart are mine to give," Alexander replied, "they remain mine alone. My parents can demand I accept the society of certain people, they can even decide who I marry, but they can't decide who I love, or who I want to love me. Hephaestion, why didn't you tell me this before?"

"From now on I will tell you everything," Hephaestion said gravely, "there must be no more secrets between us. We have to trust each other! If we don't, lies will drive us apart forever!" He took Alexander's hands in his. "I swear to you, Alexander, I will tell you the truth from now on, I will never keep things from you, whatever worries me or angers me, whatever I fear, I will confide it in you."

Slowly, Alexander nodded. "I swear it too," he said quietly, "I swear it in the name of Zeus." But as Hephaestion leaned to kiss him he drew back, fresh tears filling his eyes, and then pulled away, stumbling to his feet. "No, you mustn't. You mustn't. Gods, Hephaestion… how can you even want to touch me after what I've done? Oh Zeus, when I thought that you and my father… I thought I'd go mad and I… but no, no, there's no excuse, no excuse!" Moaning softly he wrapped his arms about himself. "How could I even think such things? Even if you did prefer my father to me, how can I say I love you and still want to hurt you? Hephaestion, what sort of monster am I? There are such demons in me, they frighten me and yet…"

"Have you already forgotten our oath, beloved?" Hephaestion stayed where he was, looking up at Alexander but not trying to touch him. "Whatever your demons say or do, you must tell me. Even if it's me they speak against."

For a long moment Alexander was silent. "You might hate me…" he finally said in a very thin voice, "if you knew just what I'm capable of… at least in my mind…"

Hephaestion drew in a deep breath. His father had warned him not to make promises he could not keep. He was inviting Alexander to trust him, to rely on him. Was he really strong enough for both of them? But then he tried to imagine turning his back on Alexander, tried to see himself running away from him or learning to hate him… "I could never hate you," he said resolutely. "Never."

Alexander nodded jerkily. When he finally managed to look at Hephaestion it was with a feeble, watery smile, though the fear and guilt still dulled his grey eyes.

Hephaestion was surprised by how calm he felt in comparison. That lightness he had felt when he had made his peace with his mother and Laius, like a man finally shedding a heavy, painful burden after so long, seemed to have grown stronger with every confidence he and Alexander exchanged. Perhaps he should still be angry and fearful, yet had they both trusted in their love, none of this would have happened. They both had so much to learn. "In the spirit of our oath," he said with gentle patience, "let me tell you another thing I realised when I… when I thought I might lose my mother…" he shuddered slightly. "I realised that when the Gods bless us with true love, love that's returned by the beloved, nothing else matters. Perhaps your father – and mine – would think it presumptuous and wrong of me to want to be your lover, but I'll risk that. I'll risk anything, Alexander, to share your bed, to touch you… to make love with you…"

"Oh, Hephaestion, do you really mean…?" Alexander brightened for the first time, but then his face crumpled and he threw himself down into Hephaestion's arms, sobbing as if his heart would break.

oooo

It's better this way. Alexander nodded to himself as he mounted Bucephalus. It's safer this way. For both of us. He turned to watch Hephaestion mounting his own horse Golden, feeling a stab of pain in his heart as his friend looked up and gave him a happy smile, perfectly loving, perfectly trusting. Oh Hephaestion, I swear I'll never hurt you again… never raise my hand to you again… I'll die first. I can't be trusted, he thought sombrely, I can't master myself, my temper, my jealousy… it's ugly… I'M ugly, deep inside. Surely you can see that's why I can't let myself love you the way I want to? By Zeus, what if I'd really hurt you that day? What if I'd…?

"You do want to come with me, don't you?" Hephaestion asked suddenly, his eyes fixed upon Alexander's troubled countenance, "I'm sure the others will understand if you don't think you…"

"Oh, no!" Alexander reached and clasped Hephaestion's hand. "Hephaestion, I'm honoured your family have invited me! I'm just… nervous…!"

Hephaestion relaxed and grinned, leaning over to kiss Alexander boldly on the mouth. Alexander felt a shiver of desire and longed to take the other boy in his arms. But he did not – he would not. Despite Hephaestion making it quite clear he was ready and willing to give himself to Alexander in spite of what had happened that night, Alexander was determined never to let it happen. His longing for his friend was worse than ever; erotic dreams plagued his nights and he could hardly be alone with him without a desperate need to do more than just touch or kiss him. But he held back. He had to hold back. As Hephaestion drew back he looked deep into Alexander's eyes, his own patient, hopeful; expectant. Alexander blushed and looked away. How can you look at me that way? He wondered miserably as they began to ride in the direction of Hephaestion's home, how can you possibly want to touch me?

They were greeted by a small, noisy crowd of children when they finally reached the estate. Laughing, Hephaestion dropped from his horse and waded into the mob, weeding out one after another to present to Alexander, identifying various nieces, nephews and small cousins. At first they were shy of the prince; by the time they reached the house two were riding on Bucephalus while Alexander lead him along and the smallest of Hephaestion's nieces was declaring her love for him.

"Joy to you, Prince Alexander…" Laius emerged, smiling. "Welcome to our home. Joy to you, Hephaestion…"

"And to you, Laius." Hephaestion stepped forward and Alexander was surprised and pleased to see his friend embrace the older man with real warmth before leading Alexander inside to meet his mother, who blushed like a girl when she was introduced to the prince.

Within a few minutes she was mothering him shamelessly, she and her daughters bombarding him with seasoned meat pastries, honey cakes, fruit, cheese, fresh bread and wine while the men sat about talking of farming, politics and soldiering and the children vied with one another for Alexander's attention.

The sun was sinking below the horizon before Alexander escaped outside to draw breath, almost overwhelmed by the happy, bustling household, by the carefree, untiring children and the family who merrily talked over each other and seemed able to take part in several conversations at once. When he heard footsteps behind him he thought it was Hephaestion, but it was Laius who stood behind him, watching him with shrewd blue eyes.

"Too much?" the veteran suggested evenly.

"Your family overwhelm me with their generosity and their hospitality," Alexander replied gravely.

Laius gave a grunt of laughter. "They certainly overwhelm. Ah, the gods forgive me my ingratitude! I would not have them any other way. I had no family before, except the army. I loved Amyntor when he was alive… if anything I love him more now for trusting me with his dear family. And his beloved Helena. And," he added significantly, "his beloved Hephaestion, though it hasn't been easy for either of us."

"He loves you," Alexander said quietly, "he just finds it hard to say."

Laius shrugged. "I love him too. And find it hard to say," he added with a sigh, "probably for the same reason… Words cannot express what he means to his mother and me." As Alexander stared at the ground in a brooding silence Laius continued, "he writes often of you, Prince Alexander. Of his love for you, of his loyalty, his hopes for the future. He's a boy… and boys fall in love so easily… I remember being violently jealous of my cousin Helena marrying Amyntor because I wanted him myself! See how the fates tease us – now she's my wife! Most of the time these infatuations don't last… but other times they last a lifetime…"

"I love Hephaestion more than I love life!" Alexander gasped, "but I – I'm not worthy of him!" He met Laius' gaze at last. "I know what you'll tell me – that I'm a prince, that he should be worthy of me, but you don't understand, nobody does! I don't deserve his love, I don't deserve it!"

Laius said nothing for a very long time. He glanced back towards the house, where voices were getting closer to the doorway – Hephaestion's sisters and their families preparing to leave before the light failed. "Why don't you let Hephaestion decide that?" he suggested softly, then headed back indoors.

oooo

Hephaestion's room was small and simply furnished. A servant had laid a fire in the grate which combined with the lamps to give a soft, welcoming light and warmth. Alexander entered, starting very slightly as Hephaestion closed the door behind them. "But… where are you to sleep?" Alexander asked, "I mean – if this is your room…"

"Here," Hephaestion said with a slow, suggestive smile, moving closer to him, "with you…"

"But I – your parents – and I…"

"Alexander…" Hephaestion sighed, drawing his friend against himself and running a hand through his hair, "don't you think you've talked enough today…?"

Alexander caught his breath as Hephaestion kissed him. I can't, I won't, I mustn't… the thoughts pounded through his head, but at last all control gave way. He clasped Hephaestion tightly, kissing him the way he yearned to, finally letting his hands explore the body he adored. He sighed dreamily as Hephaestion shed his clothes and stood before him gloriously naked. "Hephaestion…" Alexander whispered hopelessly, "Hephaestion, I can't…"

"Come," Hephaestion breathed, drawing him to the bed and helping him undress, "haven't we waited long enough?"

"But what if… Hephaestion, I never want to hurt you, I…"

Hephaestion lowered his gaze briefly, then looked at Alexander with resolution. "What happened that night happened because we didn't trust each other. I trust you with my body, as with my life. Will you trust me too?"

Alexander closed his eyes and nodded. When he opened them again Hephaestion had already slipped under the blankets and was holding them back for Alexander to join him. When Alexander still hesitated, Hephaestion lay back on the pillows and opened his arms to him, gazing up at him with dark, feverish eyes that made Alexander dizzy with desire. "Make this the sweetest night of my life," he whispered, smiling.

Alexander stumbled into Hephaestion's arms, moaning softly as his bare body touched his friend's and he felt Hephaestion's hardness against his own. Never had he felt so clumsy, so unable to govern his own body, so utterly weakened and possessed by lust. But he did not need to be ashamed because there was love there too, burning like a bright flame between them. He did not need to be afraid because he felt no urge to hurt Hephaestion, only to love and worship him. He did not need to despise his own failing self control because Hephaestion had lost himself too, was even now grabbing at him and kissing him greedily and trying to stifle his own moans. And he did not need to worry that he was taking advantage of Hephaestion because he was doing what he had always wanted to do – giving pleasure to the boy he loved.

TBC