Remind Me Of Infinity

8/10/5

It was late, or early, depending on how you looked at it. Kate glanced at her watch before stepping out her tent; the LCD display glared 03.06 in a lurid green glow. She had tossed and turned for nearly three hours, always the last to put the fire out, always the last to crawl through the pitch black to her tent. She'd sit, mesmerized by the dancing amber flames long after the sun had gone down, long after the others had one by one trailed weary bodies back to their tents. The night breeze would gently ruffle the over shirt she had stolen from Jack (and which she was sure he'd noticed was missing by now, but had been too sweet to mention it); the fire would put on a show for her, like a piece of coloured glass ever changing, and Kate would draw her knees to her chest and try not to let herself sink entirely into regrets and the scenes of her life which played like a broken film reel in her mind. She didn't want to give in, to go to bed and lay there in the dark with only fears and memories for company. Kate could no longer remember the last time she had had a decent night's sleep - weeks ago certainly, before Jack had migrated to the caves, before she had been too stubborn to give into her own wants and needs and just admit she missed him. Missed their jokes; those moments when across a sea of other faces and other needs, his eyes would meet hers and there would be that silent question - "You okay?" She even missed their arguments, their shared stubbornness, the scar that ran across his eyebrow for god's sake. Kate had felt secure when Jack was here, knowing he was a tent away; not only that he stayed up with her long into the morning, chatting about nothing and everything, but when they finally hit the hay she slept, because she knew he was there to protect her. Not that she'd ever told him that. He just seemed to know.

And now… she knew Sawyer was still at the beach, Sawyer with his front and his harsh tongue and endless barriers; knew that physically Sawyer was just as capable as Jack. But Sawyer didn't make her feel safe, didn't provide security or a real conversation. Sawyer was a sounding board, a fellow con, a distraction; but Sawyer wasn't Jack, wasn't her Jack, even though Jack wasn't Kate's at all. Kate slept in snatches, like stolen moments; but all she saw in dreams where those things she shouldn't have done, that history which made her cringe and want to run and cry and bury herself under shame and guilt. Once she had dreamt of Jack; he was walking towards her along the beach, that gentle smile upon his face, his hands slung casually in his pockets. She had been running to meet him, smiling, happy when she thought she had forgotten what i happy /i meant. And then suddenly a wall started to form between them, a brick wall that grew taller and taller; and no matter how fast Kate ran she couldn't reach it in in time, couldn't get there before the wall was too high and Jack was gone from her world. She'd shout to him, that she was sorry and she'd changed and she didn't want to be that person on the other side anymore; but he couldn't, or wouldn't, hear her, and the wall never came down.

So this was it now; snippets of rest that tallied up to a couple of hours a night, and endless periods spent somewhere between exhaustion and sleep. On that nights with a full moon, like tonight, Kate would take herself off along the shoreline, making footprints in the sand for the sea to wash over and fill in, erasing that she had ever been there. It was like her life, Kate thought sadly; a faded line of moments and incidences, all of which she had wiped away, leaving no trace, i just start again /i . And repeat the cycle once more. Like a dot to dot, and she needed a helping hand to point her where to go next.

The surf washed up around her feet and snapped Kate out of her reverie. She didn't know how far she'd wandered, but it hardly mattered. She stopped and looked out over the ocean, the beauty of the waves gathering far off shore for their collision upon arrival; the thought that they had travelled thousands of miles from some invisible coast, finding no other land until they crashed against the exact piece of beach she stood upon. The moonlight caught the edge of each wave, made it glisten silver as the water collapsed into the land. A breeze whipped up around her and Kate shivered, drawing the soft shirt around her frame and hugging herself. She wondered, not for the first time, why it was that of all the apartments she had rented, of all the hotels rooms and even her childhood home; why was it that this place, over everywhere before, that felt like home.

Her back to the island, Kate didn't see the figure emerge from the tree line. The wind blew against her ears and she did not hear his soft breath filtering through the air. He wore ragged denim cut offs, sitting just above the crest of his hip bones; his flannel shirt blew open and he let the night air wash over him, pure and fresh. He hadn't expected to see her here… had he? Jack had decided to take a walk to the beach when he couldn't sleep; the night was still and the moon was full, like a pearl atop black velvet. He had wanted time away from being doctor Jack, leader Jack, hero Jack… he needed to just be Jack again, time for his own thoughts and fears and the emotions which he buried in his work. He needed to escape; needed to find that piece of him he'd mislaid somewhere recently. It just felt sometimes like there was something missing at the caves, something he had had at the beach… like a fragment of his soul had fallen, a tear rolling from his cheek into the ashes and dust, and lost.

And emerging from the jungle, finding the beach a lick of white and that black, black, ocean that moved and thrusted through the night; and he knew that this was what he had lost. The ocean yes, that solid mass that was never still, the grains of ivory sand between his toes; but infinitely more than anything material, the fragile silhouette on the edge of land, her gentle curls caught on the wind, her feet sinking into the wet sand. She was that piece of him. She was what he had somehow, stupidly, blindly walked away from.

He had said to her, i "You know where to find me" /i , hoping she would give in and come to the caves with him. But Kate… Kate was Kate, and she had stared to the ocean and let him walk away. And her words echoed his; i "You know where to find me too." /i It felt like a challenge, who would give in first; who would finally admit that they needed the other. But deep down Jack had known, Kate was too used to not needing anyone, used to running and loneliness and ignoring her heart. But she was in his heart, and though Jack didn't know what that meant or whether he could ever tame her or be worthy of her; he knew he needed her, and that he would try.

He walked through the sand, knowing she was ignorant to his presence. The only sound was the surf, the only light from the moon. She was perfectly still, like an precious ornament waiting to be broken. Jack spoke softly, so not to scare her, so not to break into her daydream too suddenly. "I see I'm not the only one who can't sleep."

His voice caught the wind and reached her, and Kate tilted her head slightly down, a smile breaking her features. She turned gently.

"I guess not." His silhouette stole her breath, not his open shirt or midnight stubble… but the presence of him, the relief and security that seemed to flood her every pore. They exchanged smiles; Kate allowed herself to meet Jack's eyes, the reflection of the night sky in his irises. She glanced down again, dug her big toe into the sand, her arms still tight around her waist.

"Well," Jack cleared his throat, "I've got Hurley snoring like a rhino beside me, and Charlie getting up every five minutes to check on Aaron... what's your excuse?" He winked at her and gave a small grin.

Kate shifted her position, trying not to feel awkward, or palm Jack off with the lie that sprang too easily to her tongue. "Aw, you know, just... I've just never been very good at getting to sleep." She hesitated and met Jack's eyes before staring out at the ocean again, desperately resisting the urge to make her excuses and walk away. She swallowed. "I've always had to be ready to run again."

Jack's mind somersaulted. He was almost scared to speak, to interrupt; this was the closest she had ever been to truly letting go in front of him. He took a careful step forward, gauging her reaction. Kate could feel his body's heat, his breath upon her bare neck, the sheer presence of him so close. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, nervous; "Is it hard for you? Being here, being... Lost?"

Kate smiled and turned back towards him. He was so sweet, his worried frown, his genuine concern. Jack's shirt flapped gently in the wind, his bare chest emanating warmth, but there was no awkwardness between them; the darkness enveloped the two figures in a silent cocoon. She let her arms drop from around her, let her guard down. Jack smiled as he recognised the shirt that swamped her, her tiny frame cloaked in soft, worn fabric.

Her voice was barely more than a whisper. "This... being here... it's hard, but I know we're here for a reason. And here…," She glanced to the island and the ocean; and then nodded pointedly to the space between herself and Jack. Kate met his eyes, and stepped towards him, so there were mere particles of air separating them. "This is the first time I haven't wanted to run. I don't feel lost, Jack... this is the first time I think I've found where I'm supposed to be." i Oh god… /i Jack held his breath. It almost hurt to be this close to her. He ached deep within at her delicate, heart felt words.

It was she who finally closed the gap; without any hesitation Kate wrapped her arms tight around this strong silent body before her, her fingertips sliding round his bare torso underneath his fluttering shirt. Jack responded automatically, his chin resting atop her head and his arms encircling her shoulders. He pulled her to him, needing to hold her and protect her and needing her to complete his soul.

Kate lay her head against the muscle and heat of his chest, his heartbeat like a melody, and allowed Jack to feel her tears of relief as they ran from her eyes down his sternum. For the first time in her whole life, she could imagine herself in more than a week or a month's time, and know where she would be. No matter what happened she would stay here, in his arms, for a week and a month, and, for the first and last time, for infinity.

"Here." She whispered, "I'm safe here. I never felt so safe before. I've never felt… complete and secure and just… infinite."

Jack smiled, a smile he felt would never leave his face, and hugged her to him even tighter. He kissed her forehead and stared deep into her eyes and Kate never once looked away. He gently played with a tendril of her hair, intertwining it with his fingertips and tucking it behind her ear. The surf lapped at their feet and together they sank further into the sand.

And along a beach on a forgotten island, with the great Pacific ocean surrounding them and the only light from the far off moon, their lips finally drew together, their silhouettes surrendering and merging and becoming infinite.