A/N: I'm REALLY upset at my Host brother right now! I wish that he'd tell me before he does something like, oh I don't know, COMPLETELY WIPE THE HARD DRIVE OF THE COMPUTER!!!!!!!!! This is the SECOND time he's done this, and totally erased all the stories I've written! The casualties weren't as bad this time, though. Last time I had 3 stories that got erased! If you want to know more about my Waste-of-Space host brother, go ahead and read the rant I've posted on my Bio. I believe you'll be both mildly amused and extremely disgusted by it!
Now, on to bigger things! This chapter literally came out of nowhere. I have no idea as to where it came from, or why I find it so funny, but I think I still like chapter 7 better. It's actually a pretty close tie between the two! I think you guys'll like chapter 7, too!! Actually, Puzon the Slack-Jawed Mercenary was inspired by Cletus the hillbilly off of the Simpsons.
I'll put the Reader's Response thingy at the bottom this time, because this Author's note's already really long! And another note, I have absolutely nothing against Native Americans. It just popped into my head while I was writing, and it really has nothing to do with anything. So don't think that I'm harboring some sort of hatred or something, savvy? With all that said, let's move on with the fic!
Ch.5: The League of Random Axefighters!
"Stop right there, Groznyi!! Dorcas shouted.
"We've come to make you pay for your evil deeds!" Bartre said.
"Yeargh, in short matey, we're gonna gut ya like a fish!" Dart added.
"You'll never stop meee!!!" Groznyi yelled, "Cause Bug's here to back me up!"
"Yeah!" Bug said, bounding in from the mountaintops.
"Well we have.... Hawkeye!" Bartre retorted as Hawkeye suddenly popped into the scene.
"Now we have MORE than enough power to stop you!!!" Dorcas cheered.
"Hawkeye go smash man with ugly name and other man with ugly name." Hawkeye said as he lumbered over to Groznyi and punched him in the head.
"Mmyeargh! Well done, matey! Now let's throw'im in the brig!!" Dart said.
"Now me go smash other man." grunted Hawkeye as he made his way over to Bug.
"Not so fast! We aren't finished yet!!!" Bug cried.
Hawkeye stopped and furrowed his brow in confusion, "Ooog..."
"Not if I have... THIS!!!!!" Bug said, pulling Nils from behind his back.
"Ha! You have nothing without sugar! Hawkeye'll smash you anyway!!" Dorcas laughed. And he continued to laugh right up until Bug pulled out a can of Pepsi and a Snickers bar. "NOOOO!!!"
Bug began to laugh deviously.
"Oooh!! You have candy! Gimme, gimme, gimme!!!" Nils said, snatching the candy and Pepsi and practically inhaling them.
"Ugh. Annoying child present. Must hibernate so me no crush it...." Hawkeye said as he slumped foreward.
"WhAt'S tHe MaTtEr WiTh HaWkEyE? Is He SlEePiNg Or Is HeSiCk Or Is He PuKiNg Or DiD hE dIe Or Is He TyInG hIs ShOeS? WhAt'S uP wItH hIm,HuH, hUh, HuH, hUh?!" Nils chattered endlessly, running around the unconscious Hawkeye AND somehow accenting the horrific capitalization.
"Yeargh. It be useless to wake'im up now. He be out like a light." Dart said.
"Well, I don't think he's COMPLETELY out." Bartre said, "I mean, he IS grunting in his sleep AND he's still on his feet."
"He may be on his feet, but he still be a-sleepin!" Dart replied.
"You can't sleep standing up!" Bartre said, "I think he's-"
"And now," Bug interrupted sinisterly, "I summon Puzon, the Slack-Jawed Mercenary!!"
Poof!! "Howdy ya'll!" Puzon said with a friendly wave, "Ready ta start a-rasslin?"
"Aye, this be a whale of a pickle we've gotten ourselves into. It's gonna be stormy seas fer us." Dart yearghed.
"What's that kooky pirate talking about?" Bartre asked, "It only rains when Hannah comes in out of nowhere and tells us her bones are aching!"
"No, you idiot! He means figuratively speaking! That Puzon's a swordfighter and we're axefighers!" Dorcas told Bartre.
". . ."
"Swords best Axes, Bartre." He informed him.
"Oh.... Right."
Dorcas turned to check up on Hawkeye, "Nils, please don't dance on top of him like that. It's not nice."
"NiNiAn NeVeR lEtS Me hAvE sUgAr BeCaUsE sHe SaYs ThAt It MaKeS mE hYpEr AnD lOuD aNd ObNoXiOuS, bUt I dOn'T sEe AnY pRoBlEm At AlL, dO yOu!?"
"Actually," Bug began, "Your God-Like hyperness is the reason I brought you here."
Then a Semi truck drove by, running over one of the generic citizens. "Ow!!"
Suddenly, Nils got more excited, "WoW! A tRuCk! ThAt ReMiNdS mE oF tHiS oNe TiMe WhEn NiNiAn AnD i WeRe DrIvInG tHrOuGh ThE cOuNtRySiDe, JuSt BeCaUsE wE cAn AnD wE'rE fIlThY rIcH fRoM dAnCiNg ArOuNd In ThE sTrEeTs, WhEn AlL oF tHe SuDdEn, We GoT a FlAt TiRe!¡! SiNcE lOrD eLiWoOd WaSn'T aRoUnD tO cHaNgE iT fOr Us, AnD sHe CoUlDn'T fInD aNyOnE tO tOw It, ShE gAvE mE hAlF a SpRiTe AnD a CoUpLe Of SuGaR pAcKeTs AnD, GuEsS wHaT? I tOwEd ThE cAr HoMe!¡!¡! BoY, tHaT mAdE mE tIrEd!¡!" Nils jumped off of Hawkeye's shoulders and began doing cartwheels around him, "WhEeEeE!¡!¡!¡"
"Gawrsh! What's happened to our Native American friend?!" Puzon exclaimed, referring to Hawkeye, "What've ya done to him, boy!?" he finished, giving Nils the Evil Eye.
"I dIdN't Do AnYtHiNg! YoU hAvE nOtHiNg To PrOoVe It! I'Ve bEeN fRaMeD! It WaSn'T mY fAuLt, ThE dEvIl MaDe Me Do It!¡!¡!"
"Well, Don't ya'll worry! I know CRP!!!" Puzon said, attempting to push Hawkeye off of his feet and onto his back, "Golly, he's a heavy one, ain't he?!"
"Isn't it 'CPR?'" Dorcas pointed out.
After pushing and pushing, he FINALLY succeeded in making Hawkeye topple over onto his rear with the help of Nils. The impact of which awoke the slumbering giant.
"Guh?" Hawkeye grunted, looking around like he forgot where he was.
"Yay! You've revived him!" Bartre jumped for joy, "CRP really DOES save lives!!!"
"What're you doing, Puzon?!" Bug hissed, "That's our ENEMY!!"
"I cannot fight against my Native American bretheren, for I once made a pact with them when they invited me to a sacred Pow-Wow. We, all united as the Great Spirit's children, smoked the Peace pipe and vowed that we'd never raise a blade towards one another in anger."
"... Wow. That's beautiful, Puzon." Dorcas said.
"Yes, it most certainly is, my good sir. That day, I also recieved an Indian name."
"What is it?"
"They called me 'One Whose Underbite Makes Women and Little Children Weep.'"
"What kind of a mercenary are you?! You were supposed to be the kind that'd kill his own mother for a nickle!!!" Bug yelled.
"There are ties deeper than blood, my friend. And that tie would be a Pow-Wow, an honorary indian name, and the smoking of the Peace pipe."
"I payed WAY too much for you!!"
"Excuse me? Was I even FINISHED with the story I began earlier? I don't think so! Now can you please wait patiently until I finish?!" Puzon glared at Bug, waiting for an answer, "Thank you."
"Yeargh, this be totally bogus." Dart muttered to Bartre.
Out of the blue, Nils forced his way into the conversation, "HaVe YoU eVeR hEaRd ThAt SoNg AbOuT tHaNkSgIvInG? YoU kNoW, tHe OnE tHeY uSeD To mAkE yOu SiNg WhEn YoU wErE lItTlE iN kInDeRgArTeN?" Nils began to sing, "ThE pIlGrIiIiImS aNd ThE iNdIaAaAaNs, HaD a PoW-wOw A lOnG tImE aGoOoOoOoOo!¡!¡!"
Hawkeye took a deep breath and released it with a low growl.
"Me woke up from deep slumber. Annoying child still present. Must kill man with ugly name and underbite."
"HaWkEyE's AlIvE! I tOlD yOu He WoUlDn'TdIe!" Then Nils switched topics like a speeding bullet, "It'S jUsT lIkE i ToLd YoU, hE's GoT tHoSe DeViLiSh GoOd LoOkS!" Everyone raised an eyebrow, "I aLwAyS tOlD nInIaN tHaT sHe OuGhT tO mArRy HiM, cAuSe ThEn HeR kIdS wOuLdN't Be ToTaL wEaKlInGs LiKe We ArE!¡!" Nils once again changed topics, "ThErE wAs ThIs OnE tImE wHeN i WaS rUnNiNg ArOuNd OuTsIdE-"
"Ye all be listenin' ta what this whelp has t'say?" Dart asked everyone, "Yeargh, he be a ravin' lunatic!!"
Nils resumed right where he left off, "-BeCaUsE i HaD tOo MuCh SuGaR tHaT dAy AnD nInIaN tOlD mE, 'YoU'rE dRiViNg Me CrAzY!¡! Go OuTsIdE aNd BuRn OfF sOmE oF tHaT eNeRgY bEfOrE i TuRn InTo My DrAgOn FoRm AnD kIlL yOu BeCaUsE i CaN!¡!' So I dEcIdEd To Go OuTsIdE bEcAuSe ShE rEaLlY cOuLd KiLl Me BeCaUsE sHe'S lIkE, tHe OrAcLe-DrAgOn ChIcK, aNd I'm LiKe, NoT-"
"You're right! Gosh, he's such a freak!!" Bartre shouted.
"-BuT aNyWaY, i WeNt OuTsIdE aNd WaS rUnNiNg ArOuNd In The FoReSt WhEn AlL Of tHe SuDdEn, i StEpPeD oN a RuStY nAiL!¡!¡! So I rAn HoMe As FaSt As I cOuLd BeCaUsE sTePpInG oN rUsTy ThInGs Is BaD cUz YoU'Ll GeT sOmEtHiNg ThAt SoUnDs LiKe 'TeTrIs'!¡!¡! So WhEn I gOt HoMe I sTaRtEd YeLlInG 'hEy NiNiAn! I nEeD tO gO tO tHe-"
"Rage boiling up in Hawkeye. Head so full begin to 'splode. Oooog...." Hawkeye went into hibernation again standing up.
"-DoCtOr!' So We RaN As fAsT aS wE cOuLd To GeT tO tHe DoCtOr WhEn, GuEsS wHaT hApPeNeD? I wAs BiTtEn By A bAt, ToO!¡! So WhEn We Go To tHe DoCtOr I hAd To GeT sHoTs FoR rAbIeS, tOo InStEaD oF jUsT fOr-"
"Someone please save us!!!" Dorcas wailed.
"Oh, I rEmEmBeR nOw, It WaS 'TeTaNuS', nOt 'TeTrIs'!¡! ThAt WaS oNe Of My WoRsT dAyS eVeR!¡! NoW i HaVe A pHoBiA Of bAtS aNd NaIlS aNd NeEdLeS!¡! AnD nOw NiNiAn HaRdLy EvEr LeTs Me Do-"
Out of nowhere, Geitz ran in and shot Bug.
"OW!" Shouted Bug before he exploded and died.
"Yay!" Everybody but Puzon cheered.
"Geitz! I'm SO glad you're here!!!" Dart began to cry, "The boy's been talking endlessly for nearly an hour now!!"
"And we need you to kill Puzon for us, since none of us can." Dorcas added.
"How am I supposed to kill him? I'm an axefighter, too!" Geitz asked, scratching his noggin.
"You can use a bow, silly!" Bartre replied.
"Oh yeah!" said Geitz, "Silly me!" and he shot Puzon in his secret weak spot that used to be secret before Geitz shot it.
"Auggh! How did you know that my knee was my secret weakness?!" Puzon the Slack-Jawed Mercenary wailed as he slapped his hands on his cheeks and melted into a puddle of goo, "OH, THE AGONY!!!!"
"Oh My GoSh He'S mElTiNg... what in....... the world ............... is going ................ on............." Nils yawned, "I'm sleepy...." So he crawled on top of Hawkeye's shoulders, turned around three times and curled up JUST like a kitty-cat.
"Awww... The little guy's all tuckered out." Bartre said.
"Awww!" Everyone cooed, "Isn't he just PRECIOUS?!"
Puzon the Slack-Jawed Puddle bubbled.
"Ha ha ha! You'll never learn, will you Puzon!" Geitz guffawed. And them everyone began to laugh warmly at the puddle of ooze as the camera zoomed out.
A/N: Thank HEAVENS that's over! Do you know how much of a pain in the butt it is to write Nils' lines? Geez, and I had him saying so much, too!
Now, for the Reader Reviews that we all know and love!!!
Lemurian 04: Glad that you liked it!I'll just assume that weirder is better, and take that as a complement! That's right! None of us like that plotted nonsense, now do we?
Anyway, I think I'm putting you on my "Glomp List", just cause I can! YAY!
That would be a good name for Isadora's horse, but I don't think I could HOPE pronounce it if I tried! Besides, what does it mean?
Katelynn: I'm glad that someone will FINALLY admit that Heath has a mullet! You guys know the saying! "Friends don't let friends have Mullets!"
It's all too true! Kent and Erky really do get the short end of the stick, huh. And with that phrase, you've inspired me with a new chappie! Yay! You're going on my "Glomp List", too!!!
Nightmare: Ahh, Nightmare! You've reviewed every chapter so far! Glomp List!
No, Kent hasn't been having coffee, he's just uber tired. Kinda mirroring me when I'm uber tired! I stayed up for 24 hours straight once. It wasn't pretty.
Something I've noticed lately with the WalMart thing, I think there's a formula here. WalMart (plus) Favorite video game character (equals) funny. No, I kid. And shut up about the plus sign thing. I couldn't find the stupid plus sign on this blasted european keyboard. And for some reason the stupid thing has a problem with putting symbols in here, so i didn't put an equal sign here either!
And about the Limstella thing, I heard or read somewhere that the morphs don't really have gender, or something to that effect. Hmm. I'll just keep putting Limstella as a girl, just in case.
Thank you all for the reviews! I really do love them! And I love you, too! What I don't love are the cheapskates out there reading my chappies and NOT reviewing them! That makes me a little upset. And it makes poor Principe Juanito Francisco María Don Pan III sad, too. (Juanito looks at you all with big, SAD, bowling-ball eyes.) Can you REALLY say no to that face??? Now review! All of you, I say!