A/N: This isn't the next chapter I was talking about in the last chapter, but I think that you'll enjoy this nonetheless! Just cause it's a, um, Gaiden chapter! Yup, you heard me!
You see, a few days ago was the day of the Three Kings, or Los Reyes, which is basically the same deal as Christmas, but without Santa Clause, and with the Three Kings and their camels instead. Anyway, I found everything so THOROUGHLY entertaining, I was inspired to write a chapter of it! At first I wondered if I could get away with it, like it would ruin the plotline or something, but then I remembered that the plot is PRACTICALLY nonexistent! Ha ha ha! Look at me now, writing this chapter! Enjoy my cultural coolness! (Basks momentarily in her own glory before audience pushes her off the stage and gangbeats her to a bloody pulp.)
Ch.8x: Los Reyes Magos!
Yesterday afternoon, like some sort of paradox, everyone dropped whatever they were doing and all coincidentally decided to crash at Caelin castle.
It would make sense to say that since they'd gone and just dropped everything, there were a few things left unresolved. Like Hector's cape, for example. Not only had he not REMOVED the cape, but he hadn't even gotten as far as putting the flame out. So as he slept, the flame contuinued to smolder happily upon his cape, though seemingly without progressing or regressing. Evidently, Hector managed to neutralize the laws of nature.
Anyway, everyone was soundly sleeping with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, when suddenly in the hallway,
"¡Los Reyes Magos han venido! ¡Los Reyes Magos han venido!" Jordan and Pent Quixote de la Mancha sang, galloping down the hall. Pent was mounted on his horse, which he hadn't dismounted even ONCE for the duration of nearly an entire week, and Jordan was running and dancing alongside him.
"What in the world?" Eliwood muttered sleepily, "What are they doing?! And what kind of devil language is that?!"
Karel glanced down at his Rolex, that he probably SHOULDN'T have 'cause he's in the Medieval ages, but does anyway 'cause he wanted to look like a total pimp. It was 4:30 in the morning. Come on, even complete psychos need their beauty sleep.
"Eeeek!!" Serra screamed, "They're speaking in tongues!! Do something, Erk!!!" Erk only responded by rolling his eyes.
"Don't panick! I'll exorcize the demons out of them! I'm a professional Monk, so DO NOT try this at home--" Exclaimed Lucius, right before he was knocked out cold by a fish that Pent was wielding.
"Ha ha hah!!!"
"Follow us!" Jordan beckoned, frolicking off like a.... um, well, herself.
Everyone, figuring that it wouldn't do any harm, decided to follow Pent and Jordan, even IF their sanity was questionable.
They entered the Ballroom to see it full of gifts!
"WOW!!!" Everyone exclaimed, their jaws dropping to the floor, "OW!" They all cried afterward, rubbing their aching jaws.
"ONWARD!!!" Pent shouted, sending his steed into gallop like he were charging into battle.
But it was early, so they didn't really share Pent's enthusiasm, and ambled over to their individual piles of gifts. Of course, the whole gift thing had the intellectuals (Go ahead and choose them, I don't really care.) thinking back to a week or so ago, where Jordan went around, taking some random poll, "If on the off-chance that some holiday that you don't know about just so happened to roll around, what would you ask for?"
'So THAT'S why she did it!' They thought, 'Oh, yeah. It's all coming together.'
When Jordan took her poll, there were plenty of people that actually asked for gifts, but the majority were either "Oh, I don't know!" or something stupid and/or impossible, like Kent's wish; "If Eunice and Hannah would just DIE and leave me alone, that'd be a REAL gift."
Pfft! Yeah, like THAT'LL happen.
"Alright everyone! Open your gifts!" Jordan declared.
Everyone eagerly jumped in, and the loud rustling of gift wrap shattered the former silence. Normally, this would be music to one's ears, but since so many people had answered as explained earlier, there were a lot of "Generic" gifts.
"Al Gore's Greatest Rap Singles?!" Guy exclaimed with puzzlement in its purest form, "Who the heck is that?!"
"Socks," Erk said more than asked, "with hamsters, and fruit that looks like hamsters."
"Felix the Cat cufflinks?" Rebecca questioned as if a GREAT injustice had been done.
All the rest of the generic gifts were along these lines.
But, for the recipients of the generic gifts, things would not be a TOTAL loss. At least everyone would be receiving a miniature chocolate champagne bottle, a miniature chocolate soccer ball, a large novelty chocolate coin, and a tiny little bottle of so-so smelling perfume or cologne.
The moral of the story: Crappy gifts are what you get for complacency or non-materialistic desires. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!
Meanwhile, the people who asked for gifts got exactly what they wished for.
"Oh, wow!! Psychology for Dummies!!!" Canas exclaimed, immediately flipping it open to read its enriching psychologic goodness.
"Yes! A first aid kit for when I nearly punch my hands to bloody stumps every time I hear a big word! Like the one I heard a few seconds ago!" Bartre said, and then left to go punch some rocks til the word "Psychology" stopped boring a hole through his brain.
All the others around her were unwrapping their presents, totally overjoyed (depending on who you were)with what they received. But Serra stood there, confused. Obviously, she'd never seen an Oompa Loompa before.
"Jordan!" She demanded, "What is the meaning of this?!"
"Of what?"
"Those THINGS!" She pointed an angry finger at the three Oompa Loompas, who cowered in fear, "I thought I asked for VASSALS!!"
"Yeah. And there they are. So what?"
She sighed, "I wanted people!"
"Well, you never SPECIFIED..."
"Of course!" Serra said, sounding very frustrated, "YOU are probably the ONLY person on this continent that requires a specification on the race when ordering vassals!"
Jordan chuckled, "Yeah, that's probably true!"
"Well?"
"'Well?' what?"
Serra glared at Jordan, then at the Oompa Loompas, then at her again.
Jordan's lower lip trembled, "You don't want them?" She asked as she went to kneel down amongst the Oompa Loompas.
Serra continued to give her that ice cold glare.
"They even got all dressed up, you know, with the bows on their heads and all....."
"I don't care! I want HUMAN vassals, not Oompa something-or-others!!"
"Are you sure you don't want them?" Jordan asked, "Because you won't be getting a replacement gift,"
Serra paused for a moment to really think this over. Did she really want to blow her chance at FINALLY getting vassals? Even IF they were little orange men with green hair?
And then the Oompa Loompas began to sing the traditional Oompa Loompa song.
"Oom-pa Loom-pa, doompa-dee doo,
If Serr-a's our mas-ter we'll probably die soon!
Oom-pa Loom-pa, doompa-dee dah,
Since we are wise we'll run a-way far!-"
"UGGH!!" Serra turned away in disgust, "I'm POSITIVE I don't want them!!"
The Oompa Loompas continued, letting high-voiced Oompa Loompa number two sing his solo,
"What do you get when you're slaves with-out work?
Sold and then giv-en to some pink-haired jerk!-"
"ENOUGH!!!" Serra screeched, sending the frightened Oompa Loompas diving for cover behind Jordan.
"Fine, I'll find a home for them where someone will love them for who they are." Jordan said in that "After school special" tone, taking her leave with the three little Oompa Loompas trailing behind.
MEANWHILE!!!!! (I bet you were hoping I'd go the whole chapter without using one of these! But you were wrong!! Ha ha ha ha!!)
Eliwood jumped up and down with joy, "YAAAY!!!! Lookee what I got, Hector!!"
"Huh?"
"I GOT A PONY!!!!"
Hector scowled. Eliwood DID get a pony. Actually, it was this crazy looking, surly, white horse with a blue mane and tail.
"And look at what else I got!" He said, holding up a book, "Lance Wielding for Dummies!!" (Have I thoroughly over-played this joke, or what?!)
Hector just snorted and went back to his gifts. GENERIC gifts. Sure, he was bitter, but it really WAS his fault for simply replying with, "What kind of a stupid question is that?!" And then wandering off. But he couldn't let Eliwood get away with answering honestly AND getting better presents than him.
"Well, look what I got!" Hector countered, "I got a motion-activated singing fish on a plaque that I can hang on my wall! Beat THAT!!!!" Hector finishedblowing abig, fat raspberry.
"Geez, Hector," Matthew said, "that was harsh."
Matthew answered Jordan's question with "Leila" and ended up with generic gifts, too. He was playing with his piece of crap metal slinky the moment.
"I GOT GOLD!" Farina cried, stroking both of her large,novelty chocolatecoins. When she answered Jordan's question, well actually, she didn't answer Jordan's question. She just waved her off and told her to go home. So all she got was an additional chocolate coin.
"EEEEEE!!!" Lyn screamed, "Look what I got!!" She glomped her present, "I got Rath!!"
It was easy to tell that Rath wasn't too thrilled about being turned into somebody's gift.
"Hey!" Kent said, "How come Lyn got Rath for her gift," He seemed to get slightly madder at the previous phrase, "But I couldn't get MY wishes granted?!"
"Yeah! And mine, too!" Matthew agreed.
"Listen! She simply asked for Rath. Not for me to RAISE the dead, OR play the hitman, she just asked for Rath!" Jordan said angrily, "Now, if you don't mind, I've got to find a home for these poor Oompa Loompas!"
MEANWHILE!!!!!
"Isn't it nice to have a day off from the author playing God and screwing with our destinies?" Nino asked with a contented sigh.
"¡¡¡Oye!!! ¡Piensas que eres el Campeón ¿verdad?!" Pent said/declared to Raven.
"What?" Raven asked, looking around, "Are you talking to me?"
"¡¡¡En el nombre del Rey de España, te mataré!!!" Pent got a crazy look in his eye, and spurred his steed onward.
"OH CRAP!!!" Raven screamed, eyes going wide, "HE'S GOT A FISH TOO!!!"
"¡¡¡MUERRRRTEEEEE!!!"
Raven ran for his life with Pent at his heels.
"Actually," Erk began, "I'd consider what she did to Pent screwing with destiny,"
"Yeah, but you've gotta admit," Legault said, "The man's a pretty mean contender when he's got a fish handy,"
There were various nods and murmurs of agreement amongst the entire group.
Jordan re-entered the room, with the Oompa Loompas still in tow. Shouldn't she have gotten rid of them by now?
"Now, it's time for the Rosco! But first, I have an announcement to make!" Jordan said, waiting for every one's FULL attention.
When she was sure she had it, she began, "Since I couldn't find a proper, loving home for the Oompa Loompas, I decided to adopt them!" Everyone in Eliwood's army of mercenaries exchanged uncertain glances. If they THOUGHT she was crazy before, all of their suspicions were about to be confirmed, "And they've also become my newest apprentices-" Apprentices? Apprentices of what? What was her job again? Uh oh....
"-of strategy! This one is Bubby," One Oompa Loompa stepped foreward and waved happily, "This one is Kip," A second one stepped foreward, but didn't really do anything but shoot nasty glares at everyone, "And this is Rodrigo!" The third and final Oompa Loompa stepped foreward and did a gentlemanly bow.
"I have other business to attend to, so I'll have Pent take over." She said, leaving with her Oompa Loompas trailing behind her like ducklings.
Pent entered, bringing out a large, donut shaped cake, that looked suspiciously like fruitcake.
"Oh, great," Hector said, "I've needed a new doorstop for ages."
"Now everyone take a piece!" Pent commanded, suddenly snapping out of his Spanish funk.
Everyone reluctantly took a piece and began to eat it.
"Wow!" Marcus said, "This pastry isn't all that bad!!"
Pent glared at Marcus, "You expected otherwise?"
"Well," Marcus started, but suddenly met the stern gaze of Pent, "Er, no."
Everyone was a little frightened of Pent ever since he got his hands on that fish. All they knew was that Raven never came back after his little run-in with the Magic General.
"Umm, Lord Pent, I found something in mine..." Rebecca said, holding out a little figurine.
"Excuse me? Were you talking to me?"
Louise rolled her eyes and whispered something into Rebecca's ear.
"Oh, Pent Quixote de la Mancha," Rebecca began.
"Ah! Why didn't you just say so, lassie?! Get it, Louicita!"
Louise sighed, took the figurine, and gave it to Pent.
"Thankies!" He said, and then turning his attention to the figurine, "Ah, it appears that our friend Rebecca found the Little King!"
"Yay! What do I get?"
"The satisfaction of making a certain Oompa Loompa VERY happy!" Pent replied cheerfully, handing the Little King to Bubby, who beamed with happiness. Even though Bubby DID leave with Jordan earlier.
"That wasn't nearly as satisfying as I imagined..." Rebecca frowned.
"Hey!" A vaguely familiar voice shouted out.
"What?" Pent asked, "Who goes there?!"
Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) was jumping around anxiously, waving his hand around, "I found something else!!"
Pent sighed, "I gave you cake?" He shrugged it off, "Oh, well. Go get it, Louicita,"
"Pent!" Louise began with both of her hands balled up into fists, "Snap out of it already!"
"Out of what?"
"That's IT!!" Louise said, turning on her heel, "I'm not putting up with this crap anymore!! If you want me, I'll be upstairs!!!"
"Hmm. It seems that my little compadre Louicita is upset with me." Pent said, completely unaware of the fact that his marriage was at stake, "Nonetheless, duty calls!"
So he galloped over, knocked Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) upside the head with his fish, and snatched the figurine right out of the air.
"Gordon has found the Witch of Christmas!"
"Lemme see that!" Hector said, snatching the witch from Jordan. Upon closer examination, it became apparent that it wasn't a witch, but in fact,Daffy Duck with a brown, rather oblong shaped Basketball.
"Pent, just out of respect for your umm..." Hector hesitated. He'd heard about what happened to Raven after he accidentally got in Pent's way, "Erm, I'll spell it out for you. This is Daffy duck. Playing BASKETBALL."
Pent just sat there, smiling.
"... Please don't kill me."
"Nah," Pent said grabbing the Witch, "I can't blame you for your ignorance!"
"Dude, that SO isn't a witch."
"LIKE I SAID, what's-his-bucket found the Witch." Pent repeated, with fish drawn.
Hector noticed and sat back down.
"Hey!! I've got a question!" An anonymous voice yelled out, "Why do all the generic gifts SUCK?!"
"The Three Kings did their shopping at the All-a-Dollar!"
Nobody said anything. Then they decided to go to sleep, everything having ended on a somewhat bitter-sweet note. The vast majority was rather unhappy with their gifts, while the minority was very content.
The next day, everything would resume as if nothing had happened.
A/N: That was a REALLY hard chapter to write! Wow. I kept having myself doing WAY too much! By the way, if you think I'm doing too much, be sure to tell me, cause I know how obnoxious it can be when there's too much self-insertion! To be honest, I wasn't even planning on adopting any Oompa Loompas... (sweatdrop) Way to go and complicate the plotline for yourself, Jordan!
Reader responses next chappie! This one was kinda dumb, so I'll try to post the next chappie soon!!