A/N: I'm baaaaaack! Yes, contrary to popular belief, I am NOT dead, but have only been extremely lazy and yeah. I was waiting for my writing notebook to arrive because I sent it home from Spain, but after 2 months, I've come to the conclsion that it may not come. I am so disappointed in myself. And I'm gonna have to recall all the crap I wrote from memory or make it all up AGAIN...(SOB!)
Thankies to everybody! I LURVE YOU!
By the way, ten bucks to anybody who can tell me where the cowbell quote is from.
And, has anyone out there played Advance Wars? I kinda like that game, and I was considering writing a fic about it, but I wasn't sure if anybody'd read it. Ah, I'm getting sidetracked!
Don't forget to review! It's lucky! Aaaand I'll be lovingly devoted to you forever and ever! YAY!
Ch.11: EEVIILLL!
After an undisclosed amount of time, our good friend Nergal returned from the bathroom all sparkly and pretty with his turban very nicely centered on his head. Why he suddenly became ambiguously effeminite, we'll never know.
"Now!" Nergal began, importantly pointing his finger in the air at nothing in particular, shooting a small amount of sparkly dust into space. "Let us commence the installation!"
"I'm sorry milord, but we're having some difficulties over here." Limstella replied, wrestling with the sheath.
"Ouch! Stop that, you're twisting my ankle!" Ephidel whined.
Nergal sighed. "How did you get him in there in the first place?"
The morphs both paused for a moment, thinking hard.
"That's a good question." Limstella said.
Nergal APPARENTLY wasn't listening because he was admiring his fantastic turban placing job in a compact he recently decided to carry with him wherever he went. He finished making a kissie face at his dead-sexy reflection and snapped the compact shut.
Both his morphs were staring at him open-mouthed.
"Oh. What were we talking about?"
"Erm, the installation." Replied Ephidel.
"Ah, yes!" Nergal exclaimed, squealing and jumping up and down like a giddy teenage girl. "EEEE! Let's get started now!"
"I'd like to get Ephidel out of this first, Lord Nergal." Limstella said.
Nergal let out an exasperated sigh and folded his arms across his chest. Then THE ETERNAL STRUGGLE between Limstella, the Sword sheath, and Ephidel recommenced and a short silence dominated.
A FEW MINUTES LATER!
. . .Nergal lost his patience.
"Come ON!" He huffed."Just pull him out already!"
"It's really not as easy as it looks pulling a full-grown man out of a sword sheath." Limstella growled as she wrestled valiantly against her foe.
"Technically he didn't GROW into a full-grown man, cause I MADE him." Nergal retorted, matter-of-factly. "Shows what you know."
Limstella and Ephidel stared at him again.
"Now, I command you to stop trying to withdraw him."
"But, Lord Nergal,"
"No buts, young lady!" Nergal scolded. "Besides, he isn't ESSENTIAL because he's shtupid."
"Hey! It's not like I was TRYING to be put in here!" Ephidel defended. "Did you call me 'shtupid?'"
Ignoring Ephidel, he continued barking out orders like there were more than two people to order around.
"Ephidel, shut up! Limstella, install! Chop, chop!"
A COUPLE FEET FROM WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE!
They began the extensive process of installing Nergal's VCR/Lover.
"What's this?" Nergal asked, pulling on the electrical cord. "A tail? Dear, you never told me you had a tail..." he said to the VCR putting the cord down like he was TOTALLY turned off.
"How do we install this if we aren't even really sure as to what it is?" Limstella asked. "And are you talking to it?"
"Shut up."
". . ."
Nergal's face suddenly brightened. " I know what we should do! Ephidel, call the helper-man from WalMart!"
"Umm, about that... I'm still kinda stuck here."
"Oh, so you are. Fine then, I'll do it myself, you big butthead!" Nergal snorted, turning on his heel and heading through a dark and shadowy doorway.
THUD! "—OWWW! Dam-" Goodness gracious! Nergal almost said a swear! "Who painted the doors black?"
"You ordered Ephidel and I to do it three weeks ago." Limstella replied.
"Well, I demand that you repaint them a different color!"
"But Milord, the only other color we have is dark navy so-dark-it's-almost-black blue."
"So be it! Just paint the stupid doors!" Nergal snapped, throwing the doors open and marching off muttering angrily to himself like a PMS-y teenage girl.
Ephidel and Limstella exchanged glances, grabbed paint and brushes out of thin air, and set to work.
TWO WEEKS LATER!
Limstella and Ephidel had finished and began painting a mural with the black and dark navy so-dark-it's-almost-black blue.
"Look at my pretty fairy, Limstella! It's fluttering around in a field of posies!" Ephidel boasted, painting AND narrating his picture despite the fact that he was in the sword sheath and the two colors looked almost exactly the same. "What're YOU painting?"
"My own glorious death defending the Dragon's gate, accurately deatailed even though I shouldn't even know about it yet." She replied.
"... Oh..."
"Please wait, blah, blah, blah! An operator will be with you momentarily, blah, blah, blah!" Nergal angrily mumbled under his breath, though loudly enough that everyone could hear him. "LIES! ALL OF IT!"
THUD! "—OW! Freak! Didn't I already order you two to repaint these doors!"
Limstella and Ephidel exchanged glances uneasily.
"WELL?"
"But, we did, Lord Nergal. We painted them the color you ordered."
Nergal rolled his eyes. "And what color was that?"
"Dark navy so-dark-it's-almost-black blue."
"Whatever. The helper man from WalMart ought to be here momentarily. At least according to that lying operator wench." He shook a fist at the operator woman who probably didn't see it anyway.
"You're really bitter about that, aren't you?" Ephidel asked.
THUD!
A woman's voice shouting expletives of every size, shape, and color erupted from the other side of the door, then Sonia entered rubbing a huge goose egg on her forehead.
"SONIA!" Everyone exclaimed.
"Alright! I'm going to KILL whoever painted all the doors black!" She bellowed.
"They aren't black." Limstella sighed. "They're just a really dark navy blue."
"Don't you sigh with exasperation at ME, a totally superior-in-every-way human, you abomination!" Sonia snapped back.
"Don't keep decieving yourself, Sonia." Nergal said dryly, buffing his nails on his shirt.
"What ARE you talking about? By the way, your turban looks really nice today, Lord Nergal."
"Thank you."
"Now what did you mean by 'decieving myself?'"
"Ah, yes." Nergal cleared his throat. "Have you ever noticed how you look a lot like Limstella and Ephidel here? I mean a LOT like them. Not kidding."
Sonia peered over at the two morphs, and then scratched her head thoughtfully.
"Uh, no," She replied, the point of Nergal's question flying straight over her head with a deafening SWOOOSH! "Since when have I ever looked like them?"
"Since you're a moron, I'll tell you plainly;" Nergal paused to build up suspense cause that's what all the coolest bad guys do when they're about to send somebody's world crashing down around their ears. "Sonia, you're a morph."
The camera zoomed in on her face, tilted to one side to be all dramatic and show her utter shock and astonishment."I-I-I'm not perfect?"
"Nah," Nergal said, so disconnected he ALMOST killed the drama. "You're still perfect."
She paused, looking up at him with hopeful emotional stability teetering on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
"- Just not human." He added like a light breeze finishing off a house of cards.
Then the sound effects made a glass shattering sound while the camera tilted sharply to another angle.
Though none of the others heard the sound effects or saw all of the kewl cinematograpy, the mood was intense.
Stifling tears, Sonia blindly ran for the door, inevitably running into it again and spouting out a string of eyebrow singeing swears. When she finished, she threw the doors open and ran away weeping loudly.
". . ." Limstella didn't say.
". . ." Nergal didn't say either.
". . . Geez, I didn't think she'd take it that hard." Ephidel stated.
MEANWHILE AT THE L.O.R.A. BREAKFAST NOOK OF JUSTICE!
"Alright everyone," Dorcas began in a very business-like voice. "Word has it that Nergal's got a new, impressive, high-tech device he's planning on using to take over the world."
Bartre raised his hand. "Hey, I've got a question."
"Yes, Bartre?"
"When did Puzon join us?"
"Yeargh, I be able to answer ya!" Dart volunteered. "He be Nils' new pet. Now he be living in a jar!" The idea of Puzon living in a jar entertained Dart so much. Simply thinking of it plastered a dumb smile all over his face.
"Hawkeye," Nils whined as he began shaking the jar rigorously. "Why isn't he moving?"
"Annoying child give food to blob?" Hawkeye suggested.
Nils' face drooped into a really strange looking face of confusion. "What does he eat?"
Geitz took the jar and held it somewhat philosophically as he was about to begin educating. "Well, you see, Lil' Nils, since he is a blob, naturally you'd have to FEED him something blob-like. Like a purée, for example."
Nils frowned, narrowed his eyes and snatched his jar back. "That still didn't answer my question!"
Geitz took the jar again.
"The only thing different about him is his physical state, so he probably eats the same stuff he used to eat." He replied, inexplicably deciding to open the jar and take a whiff of its contents.
He began to choke and gag. "Dear Elimne! That's DISGUSTING!"
Bartre rolled his eyes. "You didn't HAVE to smell him, stupid."
"What can I say," Geitz replied with a shrug. "Curiosity got the best of me."
Hawkeye gave him a very primitive glare."Curiosity smoosh kitty."
"ANYWAY," Dorcas said, "I think it's up to us to stop him."
"Stop who?" Dart asked.
"Nergal."
"Nergal?" Bartre laughed, placing his hands on his hips in a manly way. "What kind of threat could he POSSIBLY pose to us?"
"I'm not going to explain myself again!" Dorcas was already getting flustered. "If you didn't hear me the first time, then go back and read what I said!"
"I-" Bartre hung his head. "I can't read."
Dorcas sighed.
"No worry. Hawkeye read for you." Hawkeye said, pulling out his reading glasses. "'Nergal want take over over world with good dealy.'"
"... Good dealy?"
"Ooog..."
"Yeargh, I just thought of somethin! If Nils be with us and Puzon be with us, then we ain't the League 'o' Random Axefighters!"
Geitz sighed and rolled his eyes. "Puzon's a pet."
Dart's eyes narrowed. "And the lad?"
"He's a pet, too."
"SHUT UP!" Dorcas bellowed, sending everyone in the Breakfast nook clamoring underneath the table for cover.
"GET BACK IN YOUR SEATS!"
Then, just like someone pushed the rewind button on a remote, they all magically zipped right back into their seats.
Dorcas took a deep breath and was about to begin when he got cut off.
"Whaddya need, boy?" Dart snapped at Nils, who was yanking on his bandanna.
"I want sugar for my Rice Crispies."
Dart chuckled. "Ah, no ya don't. We 'member the last time you had sugar, don't we?"
"So?" Nils sighed. "Can't you people get over that already?"
". . . No." Everybody replied.
"Fine. I didn't want it to come to this, but. . ."
Everyone got kinda tense as they waited for Nils' drastic measure to commence.
"Dart! Gimme the sugar or I'll take it off!" He threatened threateningly.
"NOOOOO!" Bartre cried, covering his eyes. "Keep your clothes on for the love of everything holy!"
"Get head out of gutter 'fore me smash it." Hawkeye said, nose wrinkled in disgust.
"Yeah, that was gross and perverted, Bartre." Geitz agreed, nose also wrinkled in disgust.
"You know what I mean!" Nils barked back, tugging on the bandanna to give them a clue.
Everybody fell silent. But it wasn't a tense silence or anything, just a silence that's um... Silent.
Dart chuckled, folding his arms confidently. "Ya wouldn't do it, boy. I know yer a total chicken!"
"Oh, won't I?" Nils replied, a crazy smile spreading across his face. "I'm going to count to ten."
"Pshaw! As if, scurvy pup!"
Nils smiled an even crazier smile, "One..."
This time everyone was tense for real. Bartre was even breathing into a paper bag, he was so scared.
"Two..."
"CHICKEN!" Dart screeched, hoping to intimidate Nils out of revealing his secret.
This futlile attempt only made Nils forget how to count, skipping all the numbers in between and getting straight to the point. "TEN!"
The bandanna came off, revealing something so horrifying, so beyond description, that it could have been considered a sin against nature.
"There is no God!" Bartre weeped, burying his head in his hands.
While everyone's eyes were being soiled, Nils cackled ceremoniously, prancing about and victoriously feasting upon his sugarless Rice Crispies holding Puzon snugly in the crook of his arm. He made for quite the specimen. You know, the kind you could write a documentary about.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME! STOP STARING!" Wailed Dart, thrashing about so wildly he knocked his chair over and hit the ground."GIVE ME MY BANDANNA! AUGGGG! THE EMOTIONAL SCARRRRRRRRRING!"
Geitz mindlessly took the paper bag Bartre was breathing into and handed it to Dart. It was all steamy and rancid inside... It had been at least four days since Bartre last brushed his teeth. Freaknasty.
Things calmed down after Dart had punched some eye holes in it and put it on his head to conceal his atrocity.
"What happened here today never leaves this room, ye understand?"
Everybody was kinda stupified, so Dart took that as a 'Yes.'
Nils still wasn't satisfied with sugarless Rice Crispies. So after he had finished his victory dance, he went in search of his next victim. Dorcas had already given up at this point, so he curled up into the fetal position and gently rocked himself while he shed silent tears of frustration.
Hawkeye sat contentedly, thinking to himself how lucky he was to be one of the only ones thus far left relatively unscathed... That is, until Nils appeared behind him and tugged on his ponytail.
"You know what I want, primate."
Hawkeye grunted. "You pull Ponytail, Puzon die."
"You leave him out of this, fool!" Hissed Nils. He set Puzon down for a mere milisecond, and this is what happened. Hawkeye was holding his beloved pet hostage.
Hawkeye put on a primitvely reasonable face. "Let's make trade. Me give you Puzon, and You leave alone ponytail. Deal?"
After a short inner struggle Nils agreed. Then they exchanged Puzon for ponytail.
"Now go." Snorted Hawkeye.
Nils was always a poor loser, so he quickly snipped the elastic to exact his vengeance. This started a horrible chain reaction, and before they knew it, Hawkeye's muliticolored clown-fro had nearly filled the entire breakfast nook. Hawkeye sighed and slumped forward, suddenly deciding to hibernate. People should have been freaking out or something, but they were pretty pooped and were only able to struggle against the mass of hair threatening to envelop them.
"Gosh, Hawkeye! What're you doing?" Bartre whined. "Get your hair out of my face!"
"Well, I'll be..." Geitz said, never really finishing that thought.
Dart guffawed like a pirate at the rainbow of tresses before him. For some reason, he had always liked clowns.
Dorcas grabbed handfuls of hair, regardless of whether it was his own or not, and began to yank as hard as he could. "WHY ME? WHY!"
Bartre swam through the hair to deliver his reply. "Because you're so good, Dorcas!"
This optimism only made Dorcas begin sobbing.
All the while, Nils was once again prancing about ceremoniously feasting and giggling like the silly child he is, feeling all smug and superior in every way after watching the reactions of his co-workers, which weren't fantastic, but evidently sufficed. Yes, off he went cackling and prancing like a cock on a walk, with his precious Puzon resting securely in the crook of his arm... Or so he thought until the jar slipped and fell amidst his merrymaking. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The jar shattered with a sickening crash returning Puzon to his natural habitat.
Then, because the situation became awkward on account of the lack of vision and sympathy for Nils and Puzon, and because the author's older brother was nagging her telling her to get off the computer, the scene turned into a manga-sketch, but one of those ones on tv, so it wasn't quite the same. And the voices kept going because I want to frighten and confuse you. Besides that, it just has to be that way, no buts about it, friends.
A/N: There you have it! The much anticipated 11th chapter! The chapter that's taken me months to write! Yessiree, it's taken me about four or five months. How sad is that? Anyway, I think it turned out better than I thought, but I wouldn't expect updates anytime soon. I have to write everything from scratch, minus chapter 16. That's the only one I have...(sniff...)
Ok, so don't forget to review and shtuff! I love it when you do!