Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. What a novel thing, here at this place for fanfiction authors... ('grin')

Rated M for darkness, slash/yaoi, and lots and lots of teh precious angst. (Yes, that typo was deliberate.)

Again I say - contains some spoilers for the Ni... doing stuff to Kougaiji arc in the manga, the storyline that gets resolved in volumes two & three of Reload. (It's also in the anime for Reload, but I can't recall exactly where at the moment.) If you have no idea what I'm talking about, and you don't want to know, then you might want to look elsewhere for your reading pleasure on this day. Just a friendly warning.

Also again - I take liberties with the actual plotline. That's how this story came about, really.

Though additional blame can be placed on darthelwig, for throwing out the comment that led to this atrocity against nature. Stone her if you like. (Or don't. She's been known to use me as a human shield before.) 'grin'

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

OxOxO

Fall of Shadows

Chapter One – In Darkness Comes...

by Ghost Helwig

OxOxO

The muscles in Kougaiji's back were bunching, straining, stretching underneath the flickering light. Dokugakuji watched, fascinated... repulsed... utterly, unwilling aroused, despite himself.

All he could see of Sanzo were glimpses of messy golden hair or flashes of sleek pale limbs. He was mostly hidden by Kougaiji, who was following Gyokumen Koushu's instructions to the letter-

And fucking Sanzo into the ground.

It was so quiet. Quieter than Dokugakuji had ever fucked anyone (his mother had wheezed, gasped, cried out every time he thrust 'just right', so deep). It was unnatural.

...well, yeah. Everything about this was.

But Sanzo, after the expected threats and verbal eye-rolling (all of which hid – though not well – fear and panic; it need not hide his open fury and biting scorn), had gone strangely silent. He didn't speak or cry out in pain (big surprise) or even yell out insults and more death threats. He just... laid there. Thinking whatever thoughts a man like Sanzo would think in a situation like this.

Dokugakuji couldn't hazard a guess as to Sanzo's thoughts on a good day. On a day like this...?

He wasn't even sure he wanted to know what was going on behind the dead violet stare he just knew Sanzo was shooting at the whole room.

...he wondered, vaguely, if his brother (half-brother) would kill him for this.

He knew Goku would.

And as Kougaiji's smoothly thrusting body increased its pace, he knew that Hakkai-

Hakkai would kill him for what was coming.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he became aware of a soft, rhythmic sound coming from Kougaiji – not just the occasional harsh gasps or throaty moans, but an actual sound, like a whisper...

Oh. He was whispering. Whispering in Sanzo's ear.

Dokugakuji held his breath, and listened.

"You hold yourself so aloof, don't you, Genjyo Sanzo? You don't touch and you don't talk – you keep yourself locked up tight. The ice princess in her castle prison. But now I'm taking what you were keeping safe. I'm taking it, and making it worthless."

Dokugakuji bent his head, his own released breath loud in his own ears. So that was what Ni had been whispering in Kougaiji's ear. It had to be. These were not Kougaiji's words.

"Your sex is worthless now, Kouryuu," Kougaiji murmured darkly, his head bent low over Sanzo's, his hair a mass of dark, flowing red.

"Just like the rest of you."

Kouryuu? Dokugakuji thought. Wha-

"You are worthless."

Kougaiji thrust one last time, deep and hard and with his whole body shuddering, gritty voice crying out his pleasure to the empty tent – and Dokugakuji.

Who found himself wondering how sick he had to be to find the roughness of Kougaiji's pleasured voice comforting, soothing, just because it meant he was no longer whispering in that silk-smooth way that was not Kougaiji, but rather Ni Jianyi...

He wiped sweat from his brow, watching as Kougaiji stood, cleaned himself off with a rag from the ground, and began to pull on his clothes.

At least now it was over. Finally over...

"Dokugakuji."

It was a command.

He stood, and with steady fingers (that really should've been shaking) began to remove his clothing. How could he have forgotten? (Put it out of your head, Jien, you need to put it out of your head.) He'd been there, when Kougaiji received his orders...

-o-x-o-

"Break him," Gyokumen Koushu demanded.

Dokugakuji stared at her. He was not the only one.

But while Dokugakuji stared in (somewhat begrudgingly wide-eyed) confusion, Kougaiji stared with utter, blind devotion. It was sickening.

You're so devoted to her now, Kou – where are your convictions – where is your heart?

I can't feel it anymore.

"You will take Genjyo Sanzo prisoner," the Lady went on, startling Dokugakuji, while she just smiled in that sickly pleased way of hers. "You will bind him, strip him, make him vulnerable and at your mercy. And then..."

She smiled again, brilliantly, using all of her teeth.

"You will give that damned monk the fuck of his life."

Dokugakuji lurched forward, instinctive desire to kill her overtaking his senses for a moment. And Kougaiji just stayed kneeling before her, bent practically at her feet, emotionless... a living doll.

But moving had brought her eyes to him (Dokugakuji could feel them burning into his flesh, pinpricks, pinpricks that stung like stab wounds), and that damned him.

"You," she smirked, pointing at him. "You will fuck him, too."

For just a second, Dokugakuji was confused. Fuck Sanzo, or Kougaiji? His heart lurched-

"You will fuck that damnable priest. You will break him."

-and kept lurching. Along with his stomach.

And as Ni walked over and began speaking quietly (lowly and darkly and way-too-closely) into Kougaiji's ear, grinning merrily over his shoulder as Dokugakuji stared – glared and fumed. Dokugakuji knew-

Whether Sanzo was a 'good' priest or not (that was highly debatable), defiling him like that would be a terrible, unforgivable sin...

-o-x-o-

And so it was.

And as Dokugakuji knelt between Sanzo's bound, spread legs, he knew-

This was the real reason he was damned.

This was the reason Cho Hakkai would end him at the very first opportunity.

Sitting idly by (and watching, helplessly watching) was one thing – and bad enough – but participating-

Sanzo wouldn't kill him, just because a bullet to the head would be too merciful. (Although a bullet to the stomach was a horrible way to go...) After all, he had others with him who would do it for him, and much more painfully to boot.

And as an added bonus, they'd take longer about it.

If Goku knew, would his limiter break? Would it kill him, to see Sanzo like this? Hands bound to a tent pole, ankles roped to other poles so that he's spread out, open, undignified – and beautiful. Too damn beautiful to be real.

Would you kill me for seeing this, Goku? For bringing clouds to mar your sun?

Sanzo's eyes were shadowed. Dokugakuji really shouldn't be looking at them – he knew that. If he even got one glimpse of those purple eyes (those unnatural eyes), it – they – would probably undo him.

But he couldn't help himself. He wanted to see.

He wasn't accustomed to not seeing-hearing-tasting the person he bedded. He was much like his half-brother in that intimacy was the only time he actually allowed himself to be intimate with someone else. He couldn't do it with words, with thoughts he never expressed or sentiments he expressed wrong, but he could do it by, well, 'doing it'.

...could he be intimate with Genjyo Sanzo?

...it seemed he had to be.

But that didn't mean it had to be like this. Cold. Mean... He could be kind. Even like this, doing this, even with his enemies. Wasn't it always best to be kind?

And to explain. Sanzo deserved an explanation.

...but what kind of explanation could there be? What kind of explanation could there possibly be?

He glanced nervously over his shoulder. Kougaiji was staring at him, arms crossed over his chest – he almost looked bored, unless one caught the hungry fire burning in his eyes. He wouldn't 'enjoy' this (he no longer 'enjoyed' anything), but he was still determined to see it through to the end...

There would be no help, no comfort, no reprieve, from Kougaiji.

For either of them.

He turned back, caught a glimpse of an entirely different kind of fire raging in a very different set of pretty purple eyes.

There would be no forgiveness, either, from him.

Dokugakuji looked away.

"Sanzo," Dokugakuji began in a fierce sort of whisper, determined to explain even if he knew the explanation would fall on deaf ears, "you've gotta understand. Kou, he's – he's not himself-"

"And you?" Sanzo rasped. Dokugakuji's startled eyes shot back to Sanzo's; they were so cold it hurt to look at them.

"Are you not yourself as well?" Sanzo's gaze burned into him, an icy fire.

"Or is this a part of you?"

Dokugakuji froze, stung. He wasn't like this – it wasn't part of him – he wasn't like this – he wasn't this kind of person – he wasn't like this –

But he was still doing this, wasn't he?

"Make up your fucking mind," Sanzo hissed, and Dokugakuji glanced down at him again. "Either fuck me or get the fuck off me."

He stared into those violet eyes that gave away nothing of what went on behind them, and suddenly saw Sanzo for the first time. What must it be costing Sanzo, to talk like this when he'd already been (raped) humiliated, and he was about to be (violated) humiliated all over again?

Without thinking he reached up, brushed a strand of silky golden hair away from those intense eyes, fingers idly caressing one pale cheek. The beauty he'd seen in Sanzo before had always struck him as hard, cold – who knew he could look so... vulnerable?

He looked up just in time to see alarm flicker over Sanzo's face.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Dokugakuji said hurriedly (as if I believe that's really the problem). "I have to do this, but – but I'm not going to hurt you."

Sanzo's eyes widened slightly, almost imperceptibly, but though he looked almost young, with his face paler than usual and his lips curling slightly down, when he spoke his voice was as harsh as ever-

Except for the catch in his throat and the way his tone slid up and down in spurts, wavered like it traveled over rocks in order to reach the air. But Dokugakuji politely ignored all that.

"A r-ridiculous sentiment."

Only a slight darkening of the already darkened eyes showed Sanzo's horror at having stuttered. And suddenly, for no reason he could rightly name, Dokugakuji wanted to kiss him.

Maybe it was just how, for the first time ever, Sanzo looked... human. Looked real. Touchable. Reachable.

Fuckable.

But then, Sanzo pretty much always looked fuckable.

And when Kougaiji very pointedly cleared his throat behind him, he realized just how much worse Sanzo's sudden, unexpected, and alarming humanity was going to make this.

--End Chapter One--