Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. Such a painful shock, that, I'm sure.

Rated M for slash/yaoi, non-con, and utter darkness. Do keep that in mind before reading, eh? ('grin')

Special thanks (curses) to darthelwig, for basically causing all this. I owe you one (big slap) for all this, D. ...heh.

More special thanks to Ditch Gospel, for 'stalking' this story and making me feel special. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And another huge thank you to all of you, as well, for reading and, if you so choose, commenting. I truly appreciate it. And to those who've commented on my strange grammar in this – it was a style choice that I thought fit well with the story I needed to tell. My apologies if you feel I've failed.

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

OxOxO

Fall of Shadows

Chapter Four – And Fixes a Stare

by Ghost Helwig

OxOxO

Three days into their new journey, and Hakkai was thisclose to panicking.

They seemed no closer to Sanzo. And the more time it took, the more intense Goku got. He not only didn't whine about being hungry, when Hakkai passed out sandwiches as they sat in the car (front seat vacant – no one would usurp Sanzo's rightful place, no one could bear to, not even Gojyo and especially not the monkey), Goku refused to eat. He didn't even spare time for questioning how Hakkai could drive and make sandwiches at the same time, as a wide-eyed Gojyo did - even though Gojyo had watched Hakkai do it, either he was truly impressed or was trying vainly to fill the silence (Hakkai suspected it was more than a little of both), because he wouldn't shut up about it until Hakkai quietly begged him to.

And to top it all off, when they tried to stop for the night, Goku would just climb out of the jeep and keep on walking. So Hakkai and Gojyo, after asking, ordering, bartering, and manipulating led to nothing, simply walked along with him, Hakuryu curled up on Hakkai's shoulder. The little dragon was the only one of them who would get rest until Sanzo had been returned to them.

Which was looking, much as Hakkai didn't want to admit it, less and less likely.

I wonder, he thought as he dragged his tired legs up yet another small hill, his friends still and silent as they walked with him, Gojyo trailing behind and Goku (of course) leading, can we handle much more of this? We're running out of supplies, and I daren't take us into town with Goku acting this way. He's liable to break the heads and necks of anyone who crosses paths with him. He barely tolerates us as it is.

And then, a truly terrible thought:

Can Goku handle much more of this? His limiter – I've only ever seen it break off him once before, in the heat of the moment, but...

If I look closely, will it have cracks in it?

He didn't even want to hazard a guess.

Then, just as dawn crept over the horizon (don't look East, Hakkai – our only goal lies to the West, said a smoky, unintentionally sensual voice in his mind, his memory) on the fourth morning since Sanzo's disappearance, all four companions looked up when a large shadow passed overhead. As it circled above them, Goku let out a loud, lancing cry that drove Hakuryu off Hakkai's shoulder and into the shelter of the trees nearby. Hakuryu, at least, knew danger before it landed before them.

I always knew he was a smart little dragon.

The shadow passed by again, then seemed to disappear into the tops of the trees far ahead of them. Without consulting his companions – or even saying a word – Goku was racing off into the forest after it.

Sanzo will be furious when he hears yet more evidence that Goku has yet to learn to control his emotions where he's concerned-

Oh. Sanzo.

And suddenly, Hakkai was running too.

-o-x-o-

There were brambles in his hair. He supposed that only made sense – couldn't very well be helped, getting brambles in your hair, when someone pushed you off a flying dragon and into a convenient tree and you had to climb your way down on limbs so unsteady your first thought, upon being placed upon them for the first time in four – no, more like five – days, is that there's an earthquake rocking the tree and the ground you eventually find beneath your sliced-up feet.

Speaking of which, his feet hurt. Not as badly as his wrists, but they still hurt. And his wrists didn't hurt as badly as this one bite some idiotic youkai had left on his neck. Fucking leech. But even that didn't compare to the raging, ceaseless fire and pain in his ass-

Yeah. No use thinking about that. So he moved on.

The crap in his hair was really bothering him. Just one of the reasons he'd always kept it manageably short – he had this strange feeling that he'd had his goddamn fill of long hair, thank you very much, so Gojyo could keep his, and welcome to it. Why any sane person would want something that tangled so easily if you didn't keep it up just right and was a bitch to keep clean and that goddamn brats could yank on whenever they so chose (not that he'd ever let a child get so close to him, no way no how, but best to be on the safe side where those creatures were concerned), was beyond him.

But then again, no one who knew him had ever claimed Gojyo was sane.

...well, maybe Hakkai had, but considering who he was – or rather, had been, to be precise (and Hakkai was always precise) – he wasn't really a good judge of sanity, now was he?

Not that he should probably judge, either, considering his current obsession with the state of his hair...

But goddammit, it felt fucking dirty. He hated that. (They made me dirty – fucking perverts – all over again – I stopped it before – couldn't stop them – you – no – don't think about it – don't think.) And now that he'd thought about it, he'd never once let his hair grow out, so how the hell could he have gotten sick of it? Maybe he really was insane.

He hated it, though, hated it so much he'd been relieved when Goku finally let him cut his long hair. (The only time he liked it was when he braided it to keep it out of Goku's way, surprisingly soft it was, too soft for a monkey's fur, he only liked it because having his fingers in Goku's hair kept the goddamned monkey quiet, really, that was all it was, and no, he didn't pet it, not where anyone could see, could know. And Goku was too smart to ever say otherwise.) So relieved he really had preferred Gojyo's short hair, when he really couldn't give a damn what the kappa did to his body. Is that why I can't stand the sight of him? His goddamn hair

...well, I suppose that's as good a reason as any.

He'd been so relieved though. It was almost unnatural. As a matter of fact, he'd often considered just fucking shaving his head, only he couldn't because his hair was worth just that much more actually on his head, where it could piss off the monks who thought a Sanzo priest should actually resemble a priest.

Hell, they shouldn't worry so goddamn much. This much crap to deal with, I'll be bald by the time I'm thirty.

That thought, for some reason, sobered him. He felt almost... sad.

-Without the golden hair, how can he be anyone's sun?-

He pushed it away, the thought and the untimely emotions. Stupid things to be dealing with, anyway. He had more important things to think about-

Like ripping Kougaiji's goddamn head off-

-vulnerable, like he hasn't been in years, violated, like he hasn't been since his master's death, soiled and torn and just ripped open, like he hasn't ever been, not ever-

I'll kill them, kill them all-

-red dripping off his wrists, can't see it but he knows it's between his thighs as well, watches it drip from the parted, panting lips of the youkai on top of him who has been suckling on his shoulders as though he can drain his life away through them, and he suddenly understands, in a way he will never explain to either of them, Hakkai and Gojyo's separate but oh-so-similar aversions to blood-

I'll kill them, kill them all-

-and kill myself as well­-

"Sanzo!"

His head jerked up, just as Goku burst through the trees in front of him. And he suddenly realized-

I was following his voice, without even realizing it.

The realization stopped him cold. It took him a moment to realize that Goku had stopped as well. He didn't understand – by now, he would've expected Goku to be on him like the monkey he was, clinging and shouting and causing such a ruckus Sanzo would be wishing, within instants, that he still had his gun.

They stole it from me, those bastards – the gun – my Sutra – everything-

How could they do that? Take everything from me?

Hakkai and Gojyo had come running up behind Goku. Hakkai stopped first, just behind the monkey's shoulder; his breath hissed in between his teeth. His monocle was glittering dangerously in the orange light of the dawn.

Gojyo stopped a split-second later, mere steps in front of Goku, mere finger-widths away from his frozen companions. Though it was almost impossible to believe it, he looked like he might cry.

Patience had never been Sanzo's strong suit. With an impatient wave of his hand - that caused his arm to twinge anew and made his voice come out even rougher than intended (and he had intended it to be pretty rough) – he growled, "what the fuck are you looking at?"

Though Gojyo had been the one it appeared would do it, Goku was the one who began to cry.

-o-x-o-

He had Goku's cape wrapped around him now. It didn't hide much, but it was enough. And Goku would let no one, not even Hakkai and Gojyo, near Sanzo right now.

Healing could wait until they found the stream Hakkai's map and the keen hearing of the youkai (and half-youkai) among them had told them all was near. Explanations could wait as well.

Not that any were needed.

Sanzo walked with his head held high and Goku's cape wrapped around his waist, broken pride clutched around him like a second skin even though he looked just short of ridiculous. He would've actually looked ridiculous, if one couldn't see remnants of torture all over his body.

Instead, he just looked sad.

And not even his wounded pride could hide that new limp. Or those teeth marks marring the pale expanse of his flesh. Or the scratches on his chest, the blood at his wrists, the haunted unawareness in his usually vivid and all-seeing eyes.

And most importantly, nothing could hide what all three had plainly seen when Sanzo stood naked and vulnerable before them-

Blood, some crusted over, some still wet and obviously oozing, liberally coating the insides of his thighs.

There was no mistaking what that was from. No denying what it all meant.

And it made Sanzo's companions (his friends) feel sick, that they'd trusted their enemies at all.

At the stream, which was thankfully slow-moving and quite shallow enough to reach only up to Goku's chest at its deepest, Hakkai and Gojyo began setting up a rudimentary camp, politely turning their backs to the water. Goku led Sanzo down to the edge, helped him sit before he waded into the water himself.

He turned back to Sanzo, who was sitting blindly on the bank, watching him without seeing him. That blank stare was unnerving. With a quiet sigh (no one spoke anymore, hadn't since Sanzo had snarled away Hakkai's offer of aid, Goku growling helplessly beside him, tears still coursing down his cheeks), Goku moved back to the bank, and held out his hand.

Sanzo didn't even appear to notice it.

Goku waved his hand, and this time, a mumbled curse caught Sanzo's ear. He looked up, met Goku's innocent golden gaze. He looked down again.

That, more than anything, lit fire in Goku's belly. Someone would fucking pay-

-but later for that. He banked his rage, reached out gentle hands to pull a surprisingly unresisting Sanzo into his arms. He would worry about that, later, when he had the thought to spare for anything but clean Sanzo's wounds – help Sanzo – heal Sanzo.

He hadn't bothered undressing himself before clambering into the river – he had a feeling seeing another man's nakedness (another goddamn youkai, naked and demanding with his nakedness alone) would not help Sanzo right now. So it was with shaking, cold-numbed fingers - even though the water had been warmed slightly by the growing sunlight (will I ever see the sun shine again?), he was still somehow cold – that he slowly, carefully removed his cape from Sanzo's waist. Sanzo made not a move, not a sound of protest.

-If they broke you I will fix you-

He tossed the wet cape at the riverbank, where it landed with a squelch and a splatter beside Gojyo's feet. He flinched, but didn't turn around. (He held himself back to spare the sensibilities of a monk who spared the sensibilities of no one, least of all himself.)

Goku meanwhile was trying very hard not to notice the swirls of crimson that were occasionally drifting off into the water now. And Sanzo just remained standing before him, not moving. It wasn't until Goku reached to touch him again that Sanzo's very skin seemed to flinch away, though he barely moved at all.

-If they scared you I will reassure you-

Determined, Goku reached out again, drew his fingers over the still-dry but strangely chilled flesh on one pale, exposed shoulder. Sanzo's eyes met his at last, a glimmer of recognition finally lighting the violet depths.

"Sanzo..." Goku whispered. He didn't even know what he wanted to say, what he could or should say, but it was obvious that something needed to be said...

Sanzo just shook his head, aching, bone-deep weariness in every line of him, pale hair streaking down his cheeks, hiding his shadowed eyes.

-If they numbed you I will awaken you-

Without a word, Goku hurriedly climbed out of the river and ran to their bags, grabbing out a bar of soap and a clean rag to wash with. His back was turned, thus ensuring he and the others all missed what was quite possibly the most shocking behavior of all – Sanzo's head whipping around to watch his retreating back, something almost like shock and loss, something akin to fear, fighting its way into his eyes.

He'd forced himself to turn back around, face away from Goku, before Goku had turned back to race into the stream once again.

-Because they hurt you I will avenge you-

Goku was gentle, but sometimes no amount of gentleness helped, and Sanzo hissed in pain as his wounds were painstakingly cleaned. Some weren't so bad – little cuts, claw marks that would heal within a week or less; Sanzo, thankfully, healed pretty damn quickly for a human. (But the claw marks looked like youkai handprints, like he could trace the outline of different hands using them, and it was the first time ever that the monkey thought of his own kind as being nothing more than animals.)

But some wounds were different – larger, more wicked, more like actual wounds. Sanzo had quite a few of those, too.

-When you hurt I will avenge you-

-because I couldn't save you.

So Goku did what he could, and they didn't leave the river until they were shivering from cold, soaked to the bone, the sun high in the sky and their fingers wrinkled and waterlogged. (My fingers are just like their fingers sometimes – they're dirty – and they hurt him. Even when I don't mean to.)

Once free of the river, an unnaturally unobtrusive Gojyo appeared like he'd been summoned out of thin air, handing Goku two towels and disappearing again almost as quickly as he'd come. The magic of Hakkai's commands, undoubtedly.

With tender strokes and rubs and pats over the worst of the cuts, the scrapes and bruises, Goku dried Sanzo off. The strange passivity that had overtaken Sanzo showed no sign of abating-

Until Goku pulled a clean, freshly laundered (at their very last stop in a town six days ago, no less) set of Sanzo's robes and other attire from their packs - minus the missing Sutra, naturally, as they only had, unfortunately, one of those. He turned with them in his hands-

Sanzo took one look, and promptly threw up all over the ground.

-o-x-o-

Bathed clean once again, and clothed only in a few towels until Hakkai was allowed to look at the more serious of his wounds (and Goku could think of something for Sanzo to wear that would not induce more vomiting from someone who obviously had nothing left in his stomach to vomit up except water and possibly his own guts), Sanzo sat quietly – if not quite comfortably – beside a small fire Hakkai had obviously banked before he and Gojyo had so mysteriously disappeared.

Goku, too, had disappeared, following their errant companions. Only Hakuryu hovered nearby, which suited Sanzo just fine. Compared to the company of other people, he didn't mind the little dragon so much at the moment...

When Goku returned, he had the others in tow (which was within minutes; apparently, and utterly unsurprisingly, Hakkai and Gojyo had not gone far). Hakkai immediately moved to Sanzo's side, and Sanzo suffered himself to be examined, poked at, prodded with gentle and well-meaning but still anxiety-inducing fingers-

But he would not let that wound go examined, and demanded it be healed without Hakkai once looking to see if any permanent damage had already been done.

So Hakkai healed him, examining what Sanzo refused to show him as best he could using only his Chi-

And he was pleasantly surprised, so relieved that he nearly fell over and Gojyo jerked towards him in startlement, when he realized that nothing that had been done to Sanzo could not be undone with time, rest, and liberal application of his Chi (as well as a few soothing, healing salves he could easily whip up, if he could ever get Sanzo to consent to such a thing as letting someone apply cream to such a sensitive, private area). But the salves would help speed the healing process along...

His eyes landed on another wound he was healing, one that still oozed 'pain' in his mind even though he'd been healing Sanzo for quite a bit already, one that made it look remarkably like Sanzo's side had been chewed by a vicious animal, maybe a bear (definitely not a monkey)...

...well, nothing that had been done to Sanzo's body couldn't be undone, at any rate.

Healing finally over and done with (the wound to Sanzo's side had been healed as best Hakkai could, until only thin, still red and re-growing skin remained), Hakkai left Sanzo to the silence and solitude he so obviously wanted. He walked over to where Gojyo stood disconsolately stirring a pot of stew he'd set to boil over the fire (which Sanzo had moved resolutely away from the moment Hakkai began to cook). Gojyo immediately struck up a low-voiced conversation with the healer, who looked over at Sanzo and shook his head.

Determined to ignore them both, Sanzo turned his head away.

Somehow, in the small interim where he'd been distracted, Goku had wandered quietly to his side once again. He allowed it, because when Goku's mouth was shut he didn't annoy him nearly as much, and though he'd never admit it (was only vaguely aware of it, as he didn't even like to admit such things to himself) there was no one else he trusted near him when his skin and flesh and bones felt this exposed, this vulnerable.

So Goku curled up at his side, not touching him, but close enough that Sanzo could touch him without moving in a way that might draw attention to himself. If he so chose. Goku really did know him too well sometimes. (But sometimes, the monkey misinterprets because the monk hides, and neither is ever as acutely aware of it as they are when their understanding is this keen and clear.)

But he allowed that too, allowed Goku to know him, because he could think of no one else who would want to (no one else deserved to, had done so much – and put up with so much – to earn it, his reluctant trust). Especially now.

He didn't even want to know himself.

But as Goku fell into a doze beside him, the tension Sanzo had been using to keep himself sane, had been carrying for so many days (too many days), eased its way from his body, leaving tears in its wake – tears he held back for all, with all, he was worth. Genjyo Sanzo did not give in to little things like tears and sorrow and grief-

Not in front of witnesses, at any rate.

'You must be strong, Priest Genjyo Sanzo.'

Even when I'm no longer a priest, Master? Even then?

Goku shifted beside him, one surprisingly small shoulder bumping his knee. He tried not to flinch away from the touch.

Even now, when they've done their best to break me?

Without thinking, he let his hand droop onto Goku's chest, resting above his heart.

Do I have to be strong now? Because truthfully, Master...

In a way, a way that was unique to him, that small, unchecked vulnerability was worse than tears.

I think I've forgotten how.

When Goku shifted again, Sanzo found himself gently but inexorably drawn down into strong, sheltering arms. He didn't fight the pull; didn't even think of it.

Instead, he let Goku hold him against his chest (ear above his heart now, so he could listen to the sound of life and breath, so close, the strong heartbeat of one who would never abandon him, no matter how he tried to get him to). He could still hear Gojyo and Hakkai speaking softly somewhere behind him, their voices a quiet lull dragging him down...

And for the first time in days, Sanzo rested; safe, quiet, among friends.

-o-x-o-

(While up in Heaven, his aunt looked down, and made increasingly lewd and inappropriate jokes; hir own way of crying the tears he could not shed.)

--End Chapter Four--