Summary: Looking at Kagome Higurashi, you'd never know that she carried a secret storm. Her therapist suddenly quits on her, and she must go to find someone else to help her. She struggles to keep her new therapist out of her life. She tells him the best of her is gone. Why won't he believe it? Kagome's POV.

"Talking"
"Sign Language"
Flashbacks
(Diary Entry)- Beginning/End of diary entires

O.D'd means over-dosed, to those of you who don't know.

Best of You
Chapter 9: Secret Words

But, there's no comforting someone with a tangled mess. I still have to straiten it out, and this isn't helping. It's just making me more hesitant on asking for help. I don't want to tell him, but I know I should. I need to tell someone soon, because it's ready to spill out of me. I've come close to talking and telling people what happened too much. I'm going to have to do something about it.

Perhaps some old advice will still work for me...

- - -

This feels so stupid in so many ways. I can't believe I'm doing this. It's childish, and I doubt that it'll do any good. Still, if she thought it helped, I can at least try. I don't have anything to lose, right?

"That'll be nine dollars and thirty-eight cents." The cashier tells me. Okay, maybe that's the only thing I have to lose. I hand her the exact change, take the bag, and leave. I guess it's not that bad to lose nine dollars. Okay, call it ten dollars... Still, it's only ten dollars. Perhaps this will help me.

For ten dollars, I'll do anything for help. Just as long as I've heard it works. And the old therapist of mine said that it would work. So, I drive back to the club. I sit down on one of the beanbag chairs, and pull out my new friend. I guess I shouldn't be calling non-living items friends. That's just pathetic.

I take the keys and unlock this thing. After it's open, I smile. I'm going to act like a little girl in hopes that it'll help me get all these feelings out. So, I leave the diary on the table and go to my office. I set the keys in the drawer, then return to my table. I'll leave the diary under my bed, just to be sure that no one will find it.

The last thing I want is for someone to discover my secret words. Then they'd know everything that my real words refuse to tell. They'd know what my mind remembered every day.

So, I pull out a pen and begin to write in my diary. I guess things will be easier to deal with once I get all this down on paper. I just hope that no one will discover my diary. That no one will discover my secret words. I think that's what I'll write on the cover of this diary.

( Open Diary Entry )

June 28th-

Well, I bought a diary. I guess there's a slight chance that it will help with what I'm struggling with... But, I still have doubts. My biggest fear is that someone will find this, and they'll know everything I've hidden for the past... It's almost been fifteen years of silence. It'll be fifteen years in Auguest...

So, this is where I'm putting my past. Instead of burying it with my family, I will write it down. Then I'll read this whenever I feel the urge to. I don't know why I'd want to do that, though...

Father was a drunk. Sure, he died when I was four. I remember that much about him. Mom told me when I was eight that he died from being drunk. He was walking through the streets, on his way to come home, when he bumped into a guy. Since he was drunk, he started pissing the guy off intentionally. The guy pulled out a gun and shot him nine times.

Mom was good to Souta and I in the beginning. She worked two jobs. Three during the summer. Grandma Kaede always babysat us. She told us old stories of times when things were good. When non-existant villagers only worried about the loss of their child.

But, mom didn't stay good. She soon began to need help with raising us, mainly Souta. She couldn't teach him boy things like a father could. She started looking around for a boyfriend. She found a few, but they backed off once they knew of Souta and I. Then, she met the man who started abusing us.

Naraku.

He was a drug dealer. He made a lot of money, and mom was his escape ticket from the cops. Mom didn't realize what he did to us in the beginning. When she was gone, he'd use the spare key and let himself in. Then he'd wait for us to get home. When we did, he'd yell at us.

Soon, he managed to convince mom that he loved us. She let him in, and he began to introduce her into the world of drugs. That's when she wasn't our mother. She was the drug-addict who slept on our couch and smoked grass all day.

She started getting more and more addicted over time. For ten months, she was under a constant high. She lost her job, so we had to depend on Naraku to take care of us. Souta and I didn't like him, because of what he did to us. When mom found out, she began to get high even more. She was trying to escape the fact that she let this man get close to us.

Naraku killed Souta. I remember it clearly. I got home, and he was there. I went to the kitchen to make food for him, since that always eased up the beatings. I came in with a plate of food for him. His eyes dialated, and that's when I realized he was a half demon. He'd been losing control to his demon side, which is the side that hurt us. It was the side that he hid from mom in the beginning of their relationship.

He had Souta by the hair. Souta's nose was bleeding, and Naraku kept slamming his head into the ground. I dropped the plate and tried to stop him. I couldn't do anything. Then Souta's head began bleeding badly. That's when Naraku left to get the blood off of himself.

Souta and I exchanged a few more words before he left me. He told me that he looked up to me, and that he loved me very much. I told him that I didn't want him to go. That it'd ruin my life. Then, he hugged me. I bit my lip and told him that he didn't have to hang onto this world. That he'd only be in more pain if he stayed. I told him that, even though I'd be lonely, that I respected his wish for dying.

He was in a lot of pain at the time. More would have come if he fought for life. I knew that, and so did he. So, he smiled his award-winning smile once more, as his last breath left his body.

Mom died five weeks later. She O.D'd on drugs. Then, because Naraku convinced her to, he got custody of me. Grandma Kaede was dead by then, so she couldn't care for me. Naraku began heavy abuse on me. I was already homeschooled at that point. When he first started to physically abuse Souta and I, we went to strict homeschooling.

So, everyday for the next four or five years, I lived at home, and respected his wishes. I absorbed his abuse as much as I could. He even raped me on many occasions. If I was extremely 'bad' in his eyes, he'd bring a few buddies along. They inflicted pain on me in as many ways as they could.

As soon as I was old enough, I moved out. I took my mother's money from his bank account, and bought the club, which became my home.

Then I reported his abuse to the police. He was put in prison for eight years, and then got out early. He's out now, but I don't know where. He's probably with my ex-boyfriend, planning on how to bring me pain. Or doing it on his own.

While being homeschooled, I went shopping for food. That's where I met Kouga. He was really nice at first. He referred to me as "his woman", which was okay at first Then he began to get more and more possessive of me. When I wasn't at home, I had to tell Kouga.

He and Naraku never met. Both of them believed that only they could own me. If they met, they'd fight to the death. The survivor would yell at me for having someone else.

So, now you know the memories I have. They haunt me to no end. Getting drunk never helps. I won't do drugs. Even though my mom and I weren't close in the end, I'm not doing drugs for her. I'm showing her that I can do what she did, or better.

And the necklace around my neck. It's a small locket. It's rusty, and I'm not sure if it even opens anymore. It's Souta's birthday gift to me the year before we met Naraku. The year before my world crashed down and I lost everything.

The year before I died...

( Close Diary Entry )

I close my diary and wipe the warm tears that have made lines on my face. I can't believe I just let all that out. I take the lock and close it. I'm going to tell Sango about this, so she'll know that I'm starting to do better. Since she's not working here anymore, I'll tell Miroku. He can relay a message.

I walk up to him as he messes with our music. I smile at his goofy style of working then tap him on the shoulder. He looks at me for a while, waiting for me to tell him what I'm here for.

"Tell Sango... Tell her that I have a diary now. That I finally spoke the words I won't tell anyone else." I signal. He nods then I leave. I place my diary on my office desk and begin to work on paychecks. I have other things I can work on, but this seems to suit me the best. Besides, I haven't worked on them in a few days. Someone's going to need money soon.

My secret words are sealed off behind a lock. That lock is both in my mind, and on this new diary. I have my devistating history in here. The most devistating of it isn't the fact that it happened. It's the fact that, if I do get married, that the one sacred thing I could offer my husband... It's gone.

I'm not pure like I used to be. There's no innocence left in my body or my mind. That's what devistates me about my past. That's why I can't tell anyone what happened. Because, if they discover that I'm not as pure and innocent like they think, then they'll run from me. They may tell other people.

So, I have to take away the chance that it can even happen. I have to lock up my words...

Next time on The Best of You...
Okay, a diary wasn't a bad idea. Writing down my history wasn't a bad idea. Putting a lock on my diary wasn't a bad idea. Having the key in my desk drawer wasn't a bad idea... Leaving it in my club was a really bad idea. So, now that my diary is gone, what will happen? Who found it, anyway? Probably the next person with a major trauma.

More chapters for you to chew on. Good for you, since I'm too sick to chew on anything. Wonder why they're still making me go to school...

Next chapter requires... I think I need 90 reviews before you can get the next chapter!

- Bipolar Tangerine