Chapter II

Setting Out

Night had draped itself over the land of Mordor, and Sauron lay restlessly on a smooth slab of rock. He had awoken several minutes ago to strange feelings. The best way he could describe it was that his body was shifting. He could feel his innards sliding around, and his…outards?…shifting as well. It was beginning to make him feel a bit queasy. This was a rare occurrence; Sauron the Mighty had not felt queasy since that first time he looked down from atop his spire near Mount Doom.

Still feeling uncomfortable, he decided to get up and splash some water on his face. He yawned and slid over to the small creek (a real rarity, considering they were still in Mordor). Wait a moment, Sauron thought halfway to the creek, I'm sliding? It didn't take an evil genius to figure out that sliding was just not something a bipedal organism ordinarily did. Still, the queasiness forced the thoughts toward the back of his mind.

Sauron reached the creek, saw his reflection in the surprisingly clear water, and gasped. That is, he would have gasped if a large, flaming eyeball was actually capable of gasping.

"I have transformed!" he exclaimed to no one in particular. "I've bloody transformed back into the Eye!" It took all his willpower to not dance.

"What…what's going on?" the halfling asked, stumbling toward Sauron and rubbing his eyes. Dorfo jumped back when he saw Sauron's elliptical form in the moonlight.

"What's happened, sir? You're all…eye!"

Sauron shrugged – a very complex maneuver for a giant eyeball. "I do not know. But I have a theory. The power of the Two Ring must be growing. It's recently become strong enough to feed me enough energy to transform into the Eye. Yes, that must be it." He blinked, which stirred up enough wind to flutter the halfling's coat. "I wonder…"

Dorfo watched, wide eyed, as Sauron concentrated. The Dark Lord began to feel the queasiness – the shifting – again. Some fifteen seconds later, the feeling was gone, and he was standing on two legs once more.

"Yes!" Sauron shouted. "It works! I can freely transform! My power grows!"

"That's, um, wonderful…sir," Dorfo stammered.

Sauron was too thrilled at his new powers to notice the halfling's lack of enthusiasm. "I will catch the Two Ring, now that my power is returning. And when I do, I will lay waste to all the land!"

"Wonderful," Dorfo muttered as Sauron laughed into the night sky.

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The morning brought little light to the dreary atmosphere that was Mordor. Still, Sauron, still in his 'ordinary' human form, demanded that they get an early start.

"Get up, halfling! You too, zombie! We can't let it get away!" Sauron's voice was dangerously close to pleading. And, as usual, whining.

"It's already gotten away," Dorfo snapped, forgetting himself.

Sauron glared at him.

"…sir."

Dorfo didn't even bother asking if they would have breakfast first. Sauron apparently did not need to eat, and Zombie Gollum had some way of finding food during the night. Dorfo would have to make do with what little he had left in his tattered and torn pack. This was certainly not the life for a portly hobbit.

Zombie Gollum, meanwhile, was wide awake and, from the looks of it, ready to resume the hunt.

Sauron picked up his weapon and looked at Zombie Gollum. "Lead the way, my hound. We hunt!"

Muttering "we is not a hound, precious," Zombie Gollum trotted westward toward the Black Gates.

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Ollie the Oliphaunt had seen better days. He had seen a whole lot of better days, actually, as he was very old for an oliphaunt. He had outlived so many other oliphaunts, especially the fighters. Of course, Ollie himself was no fighter. Oliphaunts did not live to be Ollie's age if they were constantly marching into battles. They were far too easy of a target, with their enormous elephant-like bodies. Nope, none of that for Ollie; he was what one might call a companion. A partner. A pet, though he hated the word.

While Ollie was certainly still alive, his current condition left much to be desired. He could barely walk, due to an old injury to his left hind leg, and any walking he did do could get quite painful. As a result, Ollie was currently lying on his side amidst a rockland (what a grassland is known as in Mordor), looking half – or even three-quarters – dead.

The sad thing was that Ollie thought he might die here. He did not want to die. He wanted to get out of Mordor, to see more of the world. Mordor was a terrible place to die, full of rocks and soot and lava. Ollie just couldn't bring himself to get up, though. As much as he wanted to live, he was beginning to give up hope.

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"Up ahead! I think I see something!"

Dorfo, along with his two 'comrades', had been walking across unchanging wasteland all day, but now something had changed. The hobbit could faintly see a smooth shape in the distance, protruding from the rocky ground.

"What is it?" Sauron demanded. The Dark Lord was in his Eye form, gliding gracefully along the rocky path. His Eye was now piercing into Dorfo's soul. "Is it the Two Ring?"

"No, sir," Dorfo said, mentally adding I'd have to have bloody good eyesight to see a tiny hunk of metal a league away!

Suddenly, Sauron saw some sort of small animal scurrying past them. The Eye lunged forward, leapt into the air, and landed on the creature.

Dorfo tried to appear calm. "I didn't know you ate things, sir."

The Eye seemed to grin as it shoved the dead creature away. "I don't."

Dorfo ignored the inhumanity of his master and turned back to gaze at the shape on the horizon. It was clearer, now. Dorfo was just preparing to announce what he thought it was when Sauron beat him to it.

"Oliphaunt!" he roared, then made a beeline toward the creature, which was apparently lying on its side. Dorfo could see Sauron transforming from Eye to Man as the Dark Lord rocketed toward the oliphaunt. Dorfo and Zombie Gollum hurried after him.

When the two halflings reached the creature, Sauron was prodding it excitedly with his club. Dorfo frowned at the creature. It looked dead to him.

"It looks dead to me," Dorfo said, relaying his thoughts.

"No! Not dead!" Sauron shouted with unrestrained glee, and continued to poke an enormous leg. "Saw its chest expand! Alive!"

This near-incoherency was rather odd, coming from the Lord of Mordor. Coming from the heartless being who, a mere moment ago, viciously killed an animal for no apparent reason other than entertainment. Definitely odd behavior, yes.

"Are you okay, sir?" Dorfo asked, noticing that the oliphaunt was breathing, however irregularly.

Sauron turned his crazed expression to Dorfo. "Okay? Okay! I'm more than okay, you fool halfling! We have found an oliphaunt! The Go – Demons – smile upon us!"

Dorfo didn't particularly like the idea of demons smiling upon him, but he would accept anything that put Sauron in such a good mood.

Sauron turned to his companions. "Come, halfling! Zombie! We must right the beast!"

Dorfo gave Sauron an expressionless look. "You want us…to lift that?"

"Yes!" Sauron shouted as he reached his hands underneath the oliphaunt. He began to pull. Dorfo sighed and pretended to mimic Sauron's actions. No way could they lift this beast. Zombie Gollum didn't bother; he was busy chasing numerous flies in the vicinity of the dying oliphaunt.

Surprisingly, the oliphaunt slowly began to rise. Sauron pulled harder, Dorfo pretended to pull harder, and the oliphaunt was soon standing on its own four feet. Dorfo wasn't sure, but he thought the animal was smiling.

"Yes!" Sauron exclaimed, trotting over to face the massive beast. "Yes! My steed stands once more!"

What in blazes is he talking about? Dorfo thought. Then, as if in answer, Sauron transformed into the Eye, floated high into the air, and settled himself atop the oliphaunt's massive head.

"The prophecy will be fulfilled!" The Eye shouted, its fiery gaze staring off to the west. "I will have my revenge! Onward, my steed!"

Dorfo had no idea what kind of prophecy Sauron was referring to, but at least the Dark Lord was in a good mood. The halfling knew full well that Sauron in a good mood equaled a longer lifespan for Dorfo Sackville-Baggins.

Meanwhile, the oliphaunt was very, very slowly moving westward. The beast acts like it is a thousand years old, Dorfo thought. It limped heavily, and swayed so much that Sauron could easily slide off. Walking close behind the oliphaunt, Dorfo noticed something for the first time: a large collar with a piece of metal dangling from the bottom which Dorfo could see between the beast's legs. It simply read "OLLIE".

Its name, apparently. Hmm, must have been a pet. But to who? An orc? Who has pets in Mordor Dorfo didn't know, but he decided to put it out of his mind.

Ollie and the Eye headed toward the Black Gate, with Dorfo following. Zombie Gollum, usually the leader, was still several yards behind, feasting on flies.

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The Two Ring scampered across the Dead Marshes.

It could have been leagues ahead, but its pursuers intrigued him. Sauron, a father of sorts, was becoming less of a Dark Lord and more of an insane, whining brat. The hobbit, whom the Two Ring had seen occasionally during his voyage to Mordor with Frodo Baggins, was an unwilling slave to Sauron, but trying like mad to hide his unwillingness. He had certainly changed from the outgoing, never-give-up hobbit from before the destruction of Mordor. The third, Zombie Gollum, was…Gollum. That one would not change no matter how much lava he fell into, the Two Ring realized.

Those three all had one thing in common – they were all fools, to put it bluntly. Sauron was the biggest fool by far, as he was the one who gave legs to the Two Ring. A move he will live to regret, the Two Ring thought.

The Two Ring realized it was acting rather selfish. So what if the Ring was being selfish? It obviously was, but didn't it deserve a little selfishness? After all those years of slavery at the hands of people just like those chasing him? It was time for the Two Ring to look out for number one: itself.

The Two Ring scampered across the Dead Marshes, confident in its ability to elude the fellowship of fools.