Chapter VIII

Two Ring Tussle

Sauron was thinking. Soon – very soon – he would crest the gently sloping hill and the time for rational thoughts would be at an end. But now, leading the remaining Neo-Nazgul toward his ultimate goal, Sauron thought.

His thoughts went something like this:

I am so bloody tired! I shouldn't get tired, but I am. I am the Dark Lord of Mordor; we don't get tired! But I bloody well am now!

I'm hungry too!

And...and hot!

And what is this liquid forming on my body?

What is happening to me?

These thoughts caused Sauron to focus on his goal all the more. Somehow he knew – he just knew – that once he found the Two Ring, everything would sort itself out. Everything would be okay when he found the Two Ring.

Sauron crested the hill and found the Two Ring.

He didn't realize it at first. What Sauron saw standing atop the next hill, a quarter of a mile away, was the familiar shape of Zombie Gollum. The little creature looked unhurt, even confident. It took a lot to look confident when you were basically a three foot tall skeleton wearing a loincloth.

"Zombie!" Sauron shouted. Leaving his small army behind, he darted down the hill toward the Zombie. He had found his seeker! Of course, the Neo-Nazgul did have the ability to track the Two Ring, and had done a decent job in the Zombie's absence, but they were...difficult...to control. With Zombie Gollum back at his side, Sauron would find the Two Ring no matter where it ran.

Zombie Gollum stood and waited while Sauron ran toward him. When the Dark Lord reached the bottom of the hill and began the climb up to the sickly little creature, everything went horribly wrong.

"You will not enslave me again," Zombie Gollum said defiantly from his perch atop the grassy hill.

Sauron's pace faltered. What the devil? That doesn't sound like the Zombie!

Then Sauron saw it. There, wrapped around Zombie Gollum's right index finger, gleaming in the morning sunlight, was the Two Ring.

He had found it.

He had found it!

Before Sauron could do anything, however, Zombie Gollum extended his arms toward Sauron and a...a something...knocked the Dark Lord off his feet and into a tiny stream between the two hills. Before Sauron had a chance to stand up, Zombie Gollum was next to him and had a grimy foot planted on his chest, pinning him in the shallow water.

"I'm going to enjoy this, Master." Zombie Gollum – the Two Ring – drove his foot harder against Sauron's chest. The Dark Lord could hear his armor bending, cacking. A touch of fear crept into his mind, but was quickly overwhelmed by feelings of anger. There was still a good sized chunk of happiness there as well, knowing he had actually found the Two Ring. Of course, he hadn't expected it to fight back. Still, despite his fear, Sauron was certain that the Two Ring would pose no real problem. After all, Sauron had an army at his back. And he was Sauron, Destroyer of Nations! Well, not that anyone had ever called him that, but he could destroy any bloody nation he wanted to if he pleased!

No sniveling Zombie will defeat me!

With a howl of rage, Sauron transformed into the Eye. The Two Ring was caught off balance and fell backward. Sauron, ever the gloater, made some snide remarks about both Zombie Gollum and the Two Ring, and then floated back to his army of Neo-Nazgul.

"Listen up," Sauron said, "here's the plan."

The Neo-Nazgul huddled closely around him, the majority of them surprisingly alert and non-insane at the moment. Sauron attributed it to their close proximity to the Two Ring.

"The plan..."

The truth was that Sauron could not think of a plan. Although he would never admit to anyone that he was a poor planner (and would instantly kill anyone who made such a claim), it was the truth.

"...is...um..."

How did he handle the situation during the War of the Ring? He knew he had come up with some sort of great strategy, because he would have won easily if not for those two bloody halflings ruining everything.

"...the plan is to..."

That's it! How foolish of him to forget! He smiled back as he remembered how clever his plan had been.

"The plan," he said confidently, "is for me to safely remain here while all of you charge toward the enemy with no real strategy for victory. Just bombard him with everything you've got!" He considered this for a moment. "You know, I'm so bloody brilliant that sometimes I amaze even myself!"

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Sauron's Neo-Nazgul, while fairly evil, were not the deadly killers that the original nine Nazgul were. While he would deny it to the bitter end, Sauron's abilities had...waned a bit after the One Ring was broken. The Rings he created to ensnare people of Middle-Earth to do his bidding did, in fact, accomplish that goal. However, the Rings also caused insanity, poor vision, impaired motor functions, and severe constipation. These all added up to a small army that could travel maybe fifty meters in a day – and less than half would survive the journey.

But they had, under Armor's leadership, managed to journey from Minas Tirith to Isengard in an incredibly short amount of time. Armor...affected them. The fact that Armor was originally a non-living being somehow warded off all the negative effects that Sauron's impaired magic caused. Armor himself was not sure the true reason, but he attributed it to being the most powerful of the Neo-Nazgul. It wasn't even boasting – it was simple truth. Armor was a force to be reckoned with.

But Armor was not here. Yet the Neo-Nazgul seemed to be functioning at a semi-intelligent level. They had listened to Sauron's plan. They had understood it. And, almost immediately, they had realized how idiotic it was.

Still, they had no choice but to obey. Through their silly looking Rings, they were bound to Sauron. They would not necessarily enjoy it, but they would do his bidding.

Some grumbling to themselves, some even trying to fight the urge to obey, the Neo-Nazgul crossed the stream and began the climb up to the Two Ring.

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"Go!" Sauron shouted to his army. Still in Eye form, he was floating on the other side of the stream. "Bring my precious back to me! But bring it back alive!"

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The Neo-Nazgul who was once a craftsman named Deschain strode at the head of the army – if a group of 37 could be called an army – toward the smug-looking figure staring down at them. He couldn't resist the urge of his Ring. He was being forced to confront this sniveling creature, forced against his will. He knew who he had been, but he was trapped in this out of control body.

Deschain, knowing that something bad was about to happen, threw back his blue cloak, raised his sword, and plunged it down toward Zombie Gollum.

Something bad happened.

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What? That can't happen! It...it can't!

Sauron had just witnessed The Two Ring summon a large boulder out out of thin air and hurl it toward his Nazgul. The boulder caught one of his warriors head-on just as he was about to drive his curved sword through the Zombie. The boulder continued rolling through Neo-Nazgul until it came to a stop in the small creek.

Sauron transformed back into his human form and glared death at the Zombie/Two Ring. That thing would not destroy his Nazgul! He would not allow it!

Still, there was the Plan to consider. His Plans always worked, as long as hobbits were not involved. This Plan involved Sauron watching from afar. No hobbits. It would work.

Sauron stuck to the Plan.

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The Neo-Nazgul who was once named Corellia and about to be married to a man named Matrim had narrowly escaped the rolling boulder. There were now 22 Neo-Nazgul left standing. Cor was beginning to worry. She knew this was a ridiculous plan, and she knew she had no real reason to be attacking this poor creature. She wanted nothing more than to have control of her own body. She wanted nothing more than to be back home, back home with Matrim.

As Cor got within a few meters of the creature, it raised its arms high and smirked at the Neo-Nazgul. Cor realized that this could not possibly be a good thing. Against her will, she gripped her sword in both hands and charged toward the Zombie.

Against her will, she held back a scream when the ground erupted.

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Sauron could not believe what he was seeing. All of his remaining Neo-Nazgul – all of them – had just been engulfed by flames. The flames just rose from the ground! Even Sauron hadn't been able to do that! What kind of thing had he created? It was so...powerful!

I think it may be time to abandon the Plan.

As the flames died down and his burned, writhing, shattered army became visible once more, Sauron drew his sword and gave the Two Ring a look of absolute hate.

"You destroyed my army," he said softly, but the Two Ring heard him.

"Hmm. It would appear that I have, yes." The Two Ring stepped over a few Neo-Nazgul, getting closer and closer to Sauron.

"Why did you run? I created you, you bloody Ring! You should obey me!"

"Why did I run?" The Two Ring said through Zombie Gollum. "Why did I run? That's a good question, master. Perhaps I was tired of being controlled. Perhaps I wanted to be my own master. And look! Now I am! To top things off, I'm even stronger than you."

Sauron rarely managed to ask the obvious questions, but this one wouldn't slip by even him. "If you knew you'd get this incredible power, then why the bloody hell didn't you just let me wear you? You could have controlled me, Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor, instead of that pitiful Zombie. Your current power would be nothing compared to the two of us together!"

Zombie Gollum chuckled. "I would have done exactly that, fool, if I had had any idea that this would have been the result. I thought I would be powerless if you wore me, like before. I thought you – or anyone who wore me – would have complete control over me."

The Two Ring raised Zombie Gollum's arms. Sauron steeled himself.

"I thought wrong."

Before the Two Ring got the chance to summon the boulder or the fire or whatever else he could manage, a figure crashed into it. Sauron watched as the two rolled toward him down the hill. Turning as they passed him, Sauron had to squint into the rising sun to get a good luck at the two figures. The newcomer wore a very familiar red cloak. Sauron's spirits soared.

"Armor! You have returned!" Sauron shouted as he ran after the rolling figures. Just before they reached the stream, Armor and Zombie Gollum separated. Sauron ran over to the Zombie and grabbed him by the throat.

"You will obey me, Two Ring. You will obey me or I will destroy you!"

Zombie Gollum's face looked back at him, perplexed.

"Yes, master! Smeagol will do as you say! We just wants some juicy fish to eat! That's all we ask!"

There was no Ring on Zombie Gollum's finger. Sauron's eyes widened. They scanned the ground around them. No Ring. Then he saw Armor, who had his back to them, lean down and pick up a shiny object.

"Armor, well done! You've gotten my Ring!" Armor did not turn. "Give me the Two Ring, Armor. Armor?"

"Guess again, Sauron."

He turned and threw off the cloak. Almost immediately, fire erupted from his body. With a grin, Spanky drew his flaming sword. He held the Two Ring in his other hand. Its legs were flailing, but it could no longer speak.

"You didn't really think your foolish head Neo-Nazgul could finish me off, did you? Well, he couldn't. He learned that the hard way, and so will you." Spanky pointed the tip of his sword at Sauron. "Now, we still have a score to settle. I won't die until you do."

The Two Ring squirmed in the clutches of the balrog.

It had been winning! It had been so close to blasting Sauron into obvlivion, and then the balrog had caught it off guard! Infuriating!

It began to panic. It would not be a slave again! It would not!

But wait. It managed to control the Zombie fully when it was on his finger. Sauron himself asked why the Two Ring didn't simply allow him to wear it. Maybe it should do that. If not Sauron, then the balrog. Being worn by either of them should give it its powers back. It was the only way. He would have to take the risk.

The Two Ring squirmed in the clutches of the balrog, a glimmer of hope remaining.