Disclaimer: i don't own a thing, no suing, thank you
pleaseeeeeeeeee reviewwwwwwwwww meeeeeeeeee
note: howdy! this is the third chapter, sorry it took so long! this takes place right at the "your a little toy sebastian" segment of the movie, except they have sex :) this was super hard to finish cause my mind is all a blur lately, so if it sucks i'm sorry lol tell me what you think, thanks, morgan
what was she worth to me? i'll never tell because i'll never know, time certainly changes people and too much time has passed to ever really be able to measure the weight of my love for her. I have to admit that once i got what i wanted i had an earth shattering realization that what i wanted wasn't what i wanted at all. Teenagers are tricky creatures, bi polar with a side of schitzophrenia. i am sebastian valmont, your brain on drugs. I should have known, things never go my way and it was irresponsible and cocky to think that just because i wanted it so badly that i would get it. I've learned now that truly, people only get what they deserve. To think that i deserved that is just further proof that in plain...i'm a bad person, and bad people only deserve the baddest of misfortunes.
I never thought that she would be considered one of my misfortunes, kathryn, the worst person i've ever known, the best person i've ever known, tell me, is there really that much of a difference? I should have known how it would play out, i should have anticipated how this would work out in her grand scheme of things, she was always scheming that one! I should have known that i was just another puzzle piece to her, well, in all honesty, i did, but i thought i could change that. That's what got me, my ever growing need to change things, things that don't need changing and especially things that are unchangable, things like her. It was all due to my never ending need of her acceptance, her tolerance, but kathryn was never tolerant enough to tolerate intolerance and thats what i had become. A love sick puppy in her eyes. I can only imagine how she felt. The boy she ...sort of loved, falling clumsily head over heals for someone else. I know it cut her insides up, she didn't even have to tell me that. She may be as mean as they come but she still had pride and in her eyes, i pissed all over it.
It wasn't intentional...well...thats a filthy lie isn't it? At first, yes, i guess it was, it was nice to see kathryn foam at the mouth whever annettes name came up. It became so bad in fact that when speaking about annette, kathryn made us refer to her as, "she we do not speak of", and it was cute. It certainly wasn't common to rouse such a response from her seeing as to how she hated giving me any sort of satisfaction.
So we played our games and technically, i won. There's something about double edged swords that just seem so unfair. It all went to hell in a neat and tidy package, i fucked myself over a million times or more in the course of a few weeks, shameful. I made too many mistakes to count and even now i'm not sure what was a mistake and what wasn't. There's only one thing i am positive about. That, that night, the night in question, was the biggest mistake out of the never ending slew of mistakes i have made in my short life. I think that was the worst part, i never wanted her to be a mistake.
The scene itself was quite ridiculous. She was scowling like a coyote while stripping, i was sneering in disgust at the lagistics of the scene. There I was, collecting my winnings, trying to push aside my embarassment and shame, feelings that were quite new to me, all the while with her beady eyes on mine, trying to slice my throat with a stare. Her disdain for me made the air thick, I didn't have to guess what was on her mind, she had been all to eager to tell me. She told me with a great energy of my patheticness, of my idiocy, of how much she saw me as a castrated pig, of how fucking me was destined to be her greatest shame. That's quite insulting when you take into account all of the shameful acts she had committed. The bra came off as she called me a fag. The pantyhose came off as she told me she hated me. And the underwear came off as she told me she never loved me. The more she took off, the more naked i felt. Every time an article of clothing was chucked to the floor a part of my heart exploded.
"This doesn't mean a thing" the words slid from her mouth like honey then hit my ears like fire. She wanted to make sure that i suffered, that i payed for what i did to her, or what she thought i did to her. Her delicate fingers danced on my skin like razors, leaving behind a trail of blood that only i could see. Her movements were frantic, not graceful as they usually are, kathryn put all her might into trying to break me that day. Her sharp pelvis cut into me like a knife through butter, in turn, i sank my teeth into her belly like a vampire, trying with all my might to suck the life from her, or at least the words of hate she wouldn't stop slinging.
"this is the first and last time" she had said through clenched teeth while staring at the wall behind my head. And i'm quite sure that if i had bothered ot look i would have seen tears brewing in those little eyes of her, eyes of tragedy. The feeling was too much, she got inside me, she fucked me. Have you ever been fucked by a girl? She was penetrating me, raping me, violating me and all the while managed to look right through me, apparently i'm nothing, i'm nothing at all, she didn't see me, she never saw me. I tried as hard as i possibly could to concentrate on something else, to ignore kathryn and pretend, tried to think of annette. Annette...the nice girl, candy coated, it would have been so much better if i had met her first. I closed my eyes and tried, reguardless of the pretending, i still saw kathryn, she pried my eyelids apart without trying.
I tried to show her, i tried with every thrust and every lick to show her how i felt. All i got in return was a slurr of some sort directed towards my manhood, she would give no firgiveness and show no mercy. I had managed to do something to kathryn that no other boy had ever done, i hurt her. She confided in me the most secretive things, hinted towards love she had showed me softness where everyone else simply got stone and i had given it all back to her, as if i never wanted it in the first place. I betrayed her by falling in love with annette and if i hadn't had such an ego i could have fixed it al by simply telling kathryn the truth, that yes, i did love annette, but it didn't match the love i felt for her. Of course i would have been happy spending my life with annette because annette is the type of girl you spend the rest of your life with, but thats simply because kathryn wouldn't have me for the rest of her life. I would have been willing to stop with the rituals and the games but she never would, it was all she knew, i've always known that kathryn never valued me as i did her.
But i'm not one for backing down, so i kept my mouth shut as she fucked me and let her think that i hated her, that she disgusted me, that even though i may have been in her, i was thinking of another which is simply unheard of. How could i ever have thought of another when all i thought of was her?
I prayed for it to end...she ended it. My body went cold as she left the room, strange, because most people found that she made things cold, she had always made me warm. "your not special sebastian" her pretty mouth formed the words that i never heard, couldn't hear. I didn't cum, three had been nothing pleasurable about what had taken place. It had only been another game, another way to fuck with eachother, to hurt eachother, the only thing that either of us had ever been any good at. She left my room that day and i knew it was over. She would never forgive me and i would never ask for forgiveness. I had done all i could, i threw her the obvious. But as usual i had expected to much and dissapointed myself, i had gone there expecting a fight, a harsh exchange of words, instead, she poured the gasoline and lit the match. My shoulders were heavy with dissapointment, it was my own fault i guess, i expect too much...i was oblivious to her, i was passed over, i was nothing at all.
From then on, sleeping in my own bed had been impossible, how can you sleep when your bed is on fire? Kathryn had left her mark on me, she made me feel weak like a girl, she fucked me so hard that my body had left a dent in the mattress. She stripped me of everything i had, she ate me up and then licked her fingers clean. I don't often admit ot such things, but i never knew her true capabilities until that day, the day that i realized what we actually were. I was the lamb and kathryn...kathryn was the slaughter