Disclaimers: Just playing in this world, wish I could stay...
Summary: Teyla leaves on a dangerous mission, can John let her go alone?
The haze spread across the mirror before him, shielding his reflection from him. John leant upon the cool basin and took a deep calming breath. The shower beat out a cloud of steam which was steadily filling the small washroom. He turned to the shower, turned off the water and returned to his still position; arms outstretched against the basin.
The steam had made the air in the small room heavy and he could feel the water droplets condensing against his bare skin. He looked up again at the obscured mirror. Reaching out he grabbed a towel and purposefully wiped the mirror clear. After slowly returning the towel to the rail he finally looked up at his reflection.
He had feared to see some change, some sign of the trauma his emotions had gone through. There was no sign other than a slight darkening under his eyes. He turned back to the unused shower. He knew he should get washed and dressed, but he felt too heavy for that. Inside there was chaos.He needed to get clean, move on with his duties, hoping that they would ward off the pain of loss. But, he couldn't quite make himself step into the shower, couldn't clean himself; he still smelt of her. The very thought made him look away from the clean bright surface of the shower. He might never see her again. How could he wash away the memories?
He felt empty. All emotion had been worn away and all he felt now was empty and alone. Alone in a city full of people he mused.
He watched the face in the mirror. Surely he should look at least slightly different? Everything was different for him, shouldn't he look different? Wouldn't everybody know as soon as they saw him?
Some residual steam had condensed onto the mirror and he wiped it away with the edge of his hand. What was he going to do?
He continued to stare. Last night he had stood in exactly the same place, looked at his reflection and he had had a moment of realisation, no, not realisation - of anger. She had left that morning. Left with her people on a mission that reeked of certain failure. A failure that would lead to everyone's death. She had left alone; her and her people not wanting any outsiders involved.
She had left, possibly forever and he had barely spoken to her. He had watched as everyone else had hugged her, the others had accepted her leaving and gave her good wishes and shed a few tears. Not, him though. He had stood tall and firm. Gave her a half smile, made some crap joke and wished her well. He had seen the look of surprise and the subtle flicker of hurt, before the controlled mask returned. She had broken eye contact from him and stepped to the open wormhole. She had looked over her shoulder to them all and he had felt her eyes fall last on him. He had given her a pathetically encouraging half smile. He swore at that he had seen wetness in the corner of her eye, but she had stepped through the gate before he registered it.
Returning to his duties he had ignored the feelings inside. Until he had stood here in the washroom yesterday evening and had looked at his face in the mirror. Then all the anger had surfaced. How could she have been so stupid! He had felt a rising fury so powerful that it had driven him right through that wormhole to the Athosian's basecamp. And he had yelled at her. Vented it all at her, ranted on the stupid strategies and plans. He called her people ignorant and she had lost it right back at him. He had never seen her lose it that way and it had only driven him on.
He breathed deepily, trying to push those memories aside. He was ashamed at his behaviour then. So arrogant and militaristic. But, he had realised. About halfway through a shouting match at her about refusing help had the truth hit him. He wasn't angry at the waste of potential life, he wasn't angry at the Wraith - all of that was important, but it was not what infuriated him so. No, he was angry that she didn't need him. That she could walk away and expect him to just be happy with her choice! Respect the loss of her life when he could have done something!
As this realisation shattered through his mind he relaised he had missed what she had been saying. She had been saying something about belief and trust between her and her people.
"And you don't have those same things with Atlantis? With us?" He had asked in a quieter voice, though the sharpness cut into her words.
"My people need me and I will not fail them when they ask for my help."
"You are failing your people if you refuse our help!" He jabbed the air between them with his finger forcefully with each word, his body bearly containing the fury still within him.
Renewed anger blaszoned in her eyes.
"That is their decision, not mine. It has been decided, there is no point in going through this again! Why are you doing this?" She had sounded tired and baffled at him.
"I'm doing this because you are making a stupid decision. A decision that is-"
"That judgement is not yours to make, Colonel!" She had snapped. He had felt the raw anger flare from her. She had turned from him slightly, breathed in deeply, drawing in her anger and the blank face of leadership returned to her features. It had infuriated him further.
He had stepped towards her to force on the argument, when the entrance flap to the tent was lifted and Holling entered. John saw his eyes take in their aggressive body language and then had met John's.
"Is everything alright here, Teyla?" Holling asked will obvious concern.
"Yes, Holling it is fine. Colonel Sheppard was just expressing some...concerns over our mission. However, he has finished now-"
John had turned to face her again,
"Oh, no I haven't!"
"Colonel Sheppard, we must all be up with the dawn tomorrow, it is best for all that you leave now." Holling's tone had a note of caution to it.
John had begun to argue with Holling, but Teyla had stepped between them.
"It is alright, Holling. You are right it is not good for the others to hear such harshly spoken words. The colonel and I are almost finished here. Good night."
Holling looked form one to the other and had finally turned and left. John had felt some of the anger leave him feeling suddenly so tired and empty. He knew he would not be able to change her mind, despite all his words he had known that. Then why was he being so stubborn?
She had walked to a table and was drinking some water, creating some space between them, hoping he would calm down. He watched her as she drank from the Athosian earthenware.
"Why won't you at least take some our weapons? A puddle jumper, something!"
She turned back towards him,
"We have been through this. To take a jumper would mean we would need one of your people to fly it, since none of my people have the gene. And to take some of your weapons or technology would implicate your people if the Wraith find them."
"They already know we are involved with the Athosians. You're just making excuses. As a leader you should know that you must-"
"Only fight the battles you can win?" She interrupted him.
He stopped. The truth was just that. They were going up against a situation that they could not win. At least he knew now that she knew that and was not simply ignoring it. He dropped his gaze from hers, emotion was too near the surface now. He felt like he was in a tragedy.
She stepped up closer to him again.
"I understand that this may seem...foolish to you, but my people made a promise to the Atherians and the Stroians. We must fight this battle alone."
He looked up into her eyes.
"Even if it means the end of yourself and your people?" His voice was softer than he had wished. He felt the argument ending, knew that she had won. This in itself had been a battle he would never have won. Why did he come here then?
"Yes." She had answered honestly. She was always honest, which was one of the many things he admired about her. He should be too.
"At least let me come with you." He had said it without a thought, heard the pleading in his voice, but was not ashamed.
He saw the surprise and the understanding in her eyes and as she looked at him a sad look passed over her features.
"That is not my decision to make, John." She answered quietly. "I would if I could."
Silence fell over them. There was nothing else to say. He had felt the emptiness and despair creep into his heart. He could say nothing else. He had run out of words and had lost the fight. Had lost more than that, he was going to lose her. Lose another person in his life, another one he loved. The despair flared up and threatened to engulf him and with it the anger again.
"So you are just going to go then? Just walk to your death? Well, I'm sorry, but I can't just accept that. You think I can just stand idly by and watch you walk off to your death and expect me to just be happy about it! To just go back to Atlantis and back to the way things were? - oh, what shame about Teyla, but nevermind." He knew he sounded pathetic, and saw her roll her eyes at the sarcasm in his voice. "Atlantis-"
"This is not about about Atlantis. This goes back before your people turned up here in this galaxy! Not everything has to be about Atlantis and your people. We managed fine before you came here, John!" A new vicousness had entered her voice, and it felt personnally directed towards him.
"Is this about me starting this war?"
"No! Not everything has to be about you!" She spat at him.
"Of course this is about me, its about you going and getting yourself killed! I don't want that, I want you to stay. Here, alive, back on Atlantis with me, not going off to get killed by thousands of Wraith, whilst I have to go back and write the new duty roster! If you are ever going to go to war against thousands of Wraith I'm going to be right beside you! Do you understand? I love you and I don't want you to go"
He finally stopped, his breathing fast, his heart rate through the roof. They stood there starring at one another and his brain finally registered all that he had just confessed.
Back in the present John looked up at the mirror and studied his weary features, saw the droplets of cooling water drip down his face. Was he crying?
Where was she now? Was she already dead?
To Be Continued...