Disclaimer: I have no ownage over Final Fantasy Characters or anyone I decide to throw in, I have claim over the lame ideas I have in here though. like the one how Sephiroth got where he is. . Enjoy.
The Cids United
Chapter 8: How The Villans Got Where They are Today
"Hello, everyone! Welcome back to Vh2's 'Behind the Villany'. Last week we covered the evil monsters of Final Fantasy, but unfortunately a lot of them ate my crew, and I'm one of the only ones left. So we decided to try something less dangerous, actually it's more dangerous and it's only to boost ratings, but I don't see why we didn't pull a Final Fantasy X-2 and make everyone wear skimpy outfits," the host said shaking his head. "But anyway, tonight we'll be talking to the famous villans of Final Fantasy and asking them questions on how they got where they are and what they're doing now." He stopped for a moment for applause, but continued when he realized no one was paying attention anyway. "Hmph! Anyway, put your hands together for that Villan who dove a little too deep into the make-up: KEFKA!"
From backstage entered a man, I think, with a long red robe, red and yellow collar, blue pants, and black boots. The make-up he wore looked hidious on him, and seemed to be put on by a clown. Kefka had a few cheers and applause as he sat down next to the host, crossing his legs over another.
"Welcome today, Kefka, we're glad to have you here," the host said, struggling not to laugh. "I am Kyle Monopolymoney, the host of 'Behind the Villany'."
Kefka smiled slightly and looked away. "Alright, on with the questions, I don't have time to spare."
"Ahoho! What's the hurry? Got a lover back home? a job to get to? a cliff to fall off of?" Kyle inquired hastily and slightly rudely.
Kefka just sneered. "That's none of your business, Monopolymoney. Now do you want to know what made me turn to Villany or not?" Kefka demanded, hoping to get off this joke of a show as soon as possible.
Kyle nodded and waited for the answer from the lady-clown thing.
"It all started when I was little. My parents left me when I was little to join a circus as clowns," Kefka started, getting all emotional.
"Go figure," Kyle stated dully.
"It's rude to interupt!" Kefka glared daggers at the host, whom immediately froze in his seat. "Following that tragedy, I was given away as a slave in an auction to a person whom I couldn't tell if s/he was a man or woman. S/he got the bright idea to take me under his/her wing and teach me the art of putting on make-up and confusing people about my gender. I spent countless hours training to live up to my master's expectations, but before my master could teach me how to put on make-up successfully, s/he died," Kefka sobbed, hiding his face with a sleeve of his red robe.
Kefka calmed himself and took a deep breath. "I inherited all of him/her's money and decided to use it to put myself through World Domination School. When I tried to apply, they rejected me, saying that they dont allow 'freaks' into their school. After being rejected several more times, I promised that I would take over the world, or destroy it, without the help up going through a school! Bwhahahaa!" Kefka laughed maniacly, foaming at the mouth slightly.
"Oooookay...you can leave now, Keffie," Kyle stated as Kefka laughed all the way off stage. "Anyway, our next guest is probably the best guest we'll ever have on this network, and the most handsome too. Give it up for Sephiroth, ladies and gentlemen!"
The silver haired General strode from backstage to his seat cooly, earning loud cheers and applause from everyone in the audience. After the noise died down, about 20 minutes later, Kyle realized there were countless bras and panties laying all over the stage with phone numbers on them.
"Hey, Sephiroth, you don't mind it I--?" Kyle started, but was interupted by Sephiroth.
"Be my guest, I wouldn't call them anyway," Sephiroth stated as Kyle grabbed for the pile of bras and panties and shoved them all into a gym bag next to him.
"Ahem, now I'm sure we all know Sephiroth; the greatest villan that Final Fantasy has ever known. Not only strong, but handsome, too, ladies," he said as various women in the audience swooned. "Now, Seph- can I call you Seph?"
"No."
"Alright then, Sephiroth, we all know about your history with the Shinra and your seemingly insane personality, but I want to know what really drove you to burn down Nibelheim and murder those countless number of people."
Sephiroth was quiet for a few moments before he decided to answer. "Well, Mr. Monopolymoney, to tell you the truth it all started 7 years ago..."
Suddenly a bright light engulfed the entire stage, causing slight confusion.
"What the f- what's goin' on!" Kyle was heard yelling.
"Shut-up, asswipe. I'm having a flashback," Sephiroth answered coldly.
Flashback
"Oh my gods! Look! I-it's Sephiroth!" someone shrieked as Sephiroth, Zack, and the other two ShinRa soldiers entered Nibelheim.
"Hey, Sephiroth, me and Cloud are going to the Inn so we could get it on--- I mean to catch up on the sleep we missed on the journey here," Zack blushed as he and Cloud rushed off into the Inn before Sephiroth could even register what had just happened.
"Hn, whatever," he mumbled as he walked on, surveying the town. To him, the town seemed quite nice. Much better than Midgar, at least. When he took a minor stop to view the well, he also noticed a large mansion down the cobblestone road, near the edge of the town.
"General Sephiroth! Hi, hello, I'm Ren and the camera man is my husband Jack; we're local reporters. I was wondering if we could have a word?" the excited reporter asked.
To Sephiroth, the female reporter seemed to have overdosed on happy pills or something. "Yeah, sure," he replied.
"Alrighty, SCORE! Heh, sorry. Anyway, what brings the Great General Sephiroth to the small town of Nibelheim?" Ren asked, now serious.
"Offical ShinRa business. I was stationed here along with a few others to check out the reactor in the Nibel Mountains, and report any malfunctions there may be back to Midgar and to Professor Hojo." He detested even thinking about that man's name, let alone saying it.
"There's nothing wrong with the reactor, is there?" Jack asked, worried about the welfare of the town and its citizens.
"At the moment, we're not sure. Probably not, but that's what we're here for, to make sure nothing IS wrong," he answered back.
Thankfully the interview was finally coming to a close; much to Sephiroth's delite.
"Okie, last question, Sephy: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
Sephiroth thought for a moment. He looked around at the town and smiled wickedly. "Hmmmmm..."
End Flashback
"And that's how I came to burn Nibelheim," Sephiroth answered.
Kyle was looking at him wide-eyed. "ALL FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?"
"Hey," Sephiroth said coldy as he unsheathed the Masamune, "don't dis the Klondike Bar, it was good."
"Uheheheh, I wasn't insulting it. I...uh... I love Klondike Bars!" Kyle replied, sweating from his encounter with death.
"Good," Sephiroth sat back down in his chair, but he continued to glare at Kyle.
"Heh, anyway, before we let you go we have a last question. What are you doing now?"
Sephiroth was quiet for a few moments. Kyle couldn't tell if he was ignoring the question or thinking. "I work at Burger King, and work as a part-time male stripper to help pay for the bills."
Kyle's jaw dropped. "The Great Sephiroth works at Burger King?" he couldn't contain his laughter and he practically fell on the floor from laughing too much.
Sephiroth got up and kicked him off the stage, as he exitted the building.
When Kyle's laughter died down, he crawled back onto the stage and introduced the next guest. "And because I was afraid to invite the real villan of Final Fantasy VIII, I settled for inviting Cid!"
The short, fat, man was greeted with no applause as he rolled onto the stage and into the seat the other two men had already been in.
"Welcome, Cid! Now as I had asked before, why did you become a villan?" Kyle asked, trying to sound intrested.
"Villan? What are YOU talking about? I was a good guy!" Cid exclaimed, trying to figure out if this was a joke.
"Of course you were a villan! You were a villan to everyone around you because you would always empty the refrigirator and leave everyone else to starve!" Kyle yelled back at him. "Anyone would be crazy if they didn't consider you a villan."
Cid narrowed his eyes. "I'll have you know, I saved the world all by myself. If it wasn't for me, Hilary Duff would've taken over the world!"
Kyle rolled his eyes. "You didn't save the world alone, the other Cids helped too, ya know. And they probably considered you a threat. A threat to their food supplies!"
"I don't need this kind of abuse. Your producer isn't paying me enough," Cid growled as he tried to get up from the chair. "Oh butter biscuits! I'm stuck!" It was true, Cid's fat body was now practically one with the chair. It was a sad sight, indeed.
"Ha! Now you have not choice but to answer my questions! Now, why did you become a villan?" Kyle asked again.
"You want to know! FINE! It was all Edea's fault! After she left me, I began to eat. The food was so good, that I couldn't stop! The food was everywhere and everyone. I knew after I started I wouldn't be able to stop. I then started to find dealers. Dealers of the finest food in the world. I paid hefty prices, but it was well worth it! When people started to eat my food, I needed to seek revenge. So I began to eat their food, leaving them starved!" Cid finally cracked, finally revealing his true ways.
Kyle nodded. Even though Cid just dropped a bombshell, the ratings were still dropping. Now if it was Sephiroth who revealed a secret like that, ratings would've skyrocketed.
"I don't care what you're doing now, so, Security, take him away," he said as Cid, and the chair, were removed from the view of the camera. "Moving on, our next guest is like Kefka, a cross-dresser, but not as ugly. Please welcome, Kuja!"
Applause broke out through the audience, though they weren't really enthusiastic. "Ah, welcome, Kuja. I'm very happy to see you," Kyle said as he shook Kuja's hand.
"Glad to be here," Kuja replied, though he didn't seem happy at all to be here.
"Well, let's not waste anytime. How did you end up getting involved into villany?"
"Simple: I'm angry at the world," Kuja replied in monotone.
"Why are you angry at the world?" Kyle asked curiously.
Kuja didn't expect this question. "W-well, because."
"Ahohoho! Seems we have something Kuja doesn't want to reveal! C'mon, Kuja, we're not here to judge you!"
Kuja narrowed his eyes, he knew Kyle was lying. "Fine, I was rejected as a Fashion Designer."
For once, Kyle didn't laugh. "I see," Kyle said sadly. "I can relate."
"Y-you can?" Kuja asked, suprised.
"Yes, I, too, wanted to be a Fashion Designer, but was also rejected. They said I lacked the imagination," Kyle replied.
"My rejection was because they said my clothes just weren't what people were intrested it. So now I want to destroy this world, while at the same time wear all the clothes I made from my own design!" Kuja exclaimed proudly.
Kyle was almost in tears. "What a beautiful dream! I support you all the way Kuja! If you don't mind me asking, where can I purchase some of your clothes?"
Kuja's eyes then sparkled with stars. "R-really? Do you, I don't know, wanna be one of my followers?" he said blushing, while rubbing the front of his shoe on the floor in a shy fashion.
Kyle jumped out of his chair and hugged Kuja. "You really mean it! I do!" Kyle said as he hugged Kuja even more.
"Okie, I'll wait for you when the show's over!" Kuja said as he hugged Kyle back and left the stage.
Much to everyone's suprise ratings shot up from that scene.
Kyle was still in tears when he called Seymour out to the stage. "Hello, Seymour, we're running out of time, so what made you go evil?"
Seymour smirked and laughed his creppy little laugh. "I want to become Sin and destroy everything."
"Uh-huh, but why?" Kyle asked, not even paying attention to Seymour.
"You would want to destory the world too if your last name was 'Asses'. Seymour Asses, it's like that horrible thing people say when they prank call bars. 'Yeah, is Seymour there? Seymour Asses?' You don't realize how much mockery I went through all my life!" Seymour barked as everyone began cracking up from laughter. "SHUT UP!"
"Your name is Seymour Asses? Hahahahaha, what a gay name," Kyle replied. "Anyway, back to the questions. What are you doing now?"
"Well, I work as a coat rack. My hair can hold up anything! Which reminds me, I have to get back to work, I don't want people putting their coats on the ground," Seymour answered as he left the building as fast as he could
"Okaaaaay... our last guest for the night is Shuyin!" Kyle said as he looked at his watch, the show as going to end soon, he was going to have to make this quick.
As soon as Shuyin sat down, Kyle began talking as fast as he could.
"Why are you a villan?"
"Because they took my dear, precious, and lover away from-"
"Fascinating. Now what are you doing presently?"
"You didn't let me answer the last one, but currently I work as a soccer player for-"
"Oh how exciting, show's over, you can go now. Bye bye!" Kyle said as he shoved Shuyin out the stage doors. "Okay, thnaks for watching everyone. Tune in next week for 'Behind the Villany- George W. Bush'! Have a wonderful night. Now time for me and Kuja to get started on being friends, and maybe something more later on!" Kyle blushed as he, too, left the stage.
Author's Notes: "HOLY DIVER, BATMAN! Star added another chapter!" Heheheh, sorry I couldn't resist. Yeah, I wanted this to go up as my last chapter. It was on my mind forever, but I never got around to it. Hope you like this new chapter!
Also, Ren made another appearance, along with her husband Jack Skellington! w00t!