The List
1. Insist upon bringing your pet sock to class, name it Snivellus, and croon lullabies to it while he is speaking.
2. Tell him he's disturbing Snivellus's nap.
3. Beat box every time you have to answer a question.
4. If he says something particularly dramatic, ask him, 'Yes, but does your mouth feel clean'
5. Answer a question by stating your name. For instance, 'What would you get if you mixed nightshade with wolfbane?' 'Julie.' If you continue to do this, he might get flustered and ask you something random. Such as, 'What is the capital of Colorado?' 'Julie'
6. If he ignores you, get hysterical and tell him that baby Charlene is his and you won't stand for him to deny her, then run out of the room.
7. Wear sunglasses and use a lot of big words like 'anomaly' and 'paradox'. Say ergo a lot. Insist upon bringing your own comfy leather swirly chair to sit in and announce that heretofore you wish to be referred to as the Architect. Tell Snape he's interfering with the System.
8. During meal times, continuously go up to him and ask, 'Are you going to finish that?' If he says yes, take it anyway. If he says no, nod wisely and walk away. If he ignores you, ask again. If he still ignores you, repeat the process.
9. Say 'doom' every time he walks by.
10. Ask him if he would tutor you.
11. Spread rumors about a steamy vacation in the Alps involving Snape and a certain Dark Lord . . .
12. Laugh every time he lectures someone. Then laugh harder if he lectures you.
13. Every time he turns around, start giggling. If he turns to see who it is, stop immediately and resume what you were doing so that he can't tell who it was. Repeat for as long as possible.
14. Speak using sign language or a small white board with a squeaky Expo marker.
15. At a Quidditch match sit behind him and say derogatory things about Slytherin. If he turns around to lecture you, pretend to be sleeping.
16. Conveniently forget to put the right ingredients in your potion, so that it makes his room smell like rotten eggs for weeks. Say it was his fault and that they have medicine for that type of thing.
17. Bring a Mariachi band to class. Say it helps you concentrate.
18. Leave presents at his place at dinner. Leave a note saying it's from his secret admirer.
19. Fall asleep in class.
20. If you see him in the hall, shriek and say to stop stalking you, you're jailbait!
21. Confess your undying love for him.
22. Wink knowingly at him if someone screws up in class.
23. Ask him if Draco is good in bed.
24. Talk like an old Hollywood actress. Say 'Ciao' and 'darling' a lot.
25. Paint your nails in class.
26. Tell him he's such a doll in black.
27. If you see him outside, run up to him and start ushering him back in, saying that the neighbors will complain about unseemly lawn upkeep.
28. Stand up on the table during breakfast and dedicate this song to him: 'Talk to me/Tell me your name/But you blow me off like it's all the same/Yeah baby . . .!' Sing it with a bad William Hung imitation going on.
29. Dress like Dr. Who. Tell him he inspired you to do it.
30. If he states a fact in class, say dramatically, 'Why does this happen? Nobody knows . . "
31. Make subtle changes in your appearance, in the dungeon layout, and at the dinner table. This kind of thing drives people crazy.
32. Declare a casual Friday celebration. Conveniently make sure that Potions is the only period in which it takes place.
33. Ruin it.
34. Take a mutilated doll and hang it from its neck in his room. Be all Goth like Ginger and Brigitte from Ginger Snaps. If he gets angry, recite Goth poetry. If he gets even angrier, tell him he did it first and you were just riding the wave.
35. Get offended at everything he says.
36. Smile. Just smile and don't stop. Don't say anything, either.
37. Tape a spoon to your nose when you go into Potions. If possible, super-glue it to his.
38. Ask him what would Freud say?
39. Fix the tap in his room so that it always drips.
40. Place a stick of deodorant on his desk. Make sure to wrap it with a pretty bow!