A/N: I kind of foreshadow it in the last few days of this chapter, but in future installments there will probably be some Harry/Ginny moments. I'm a hopeless shipper, what can I say ; )Also, I didn't mean any offense by accusing the Slytherin Quidditch team of being gay. I have nothing against gay people.
Chapter Five: Days 10 - 14
DAY TEN
11. Spread rumors about a steamy vacation in the Alps involving Snape and a certain Dark Lord . . .
"No, I know. No, really, I know. Well, you don't have to get overly dramatic about it!"
Ginny was in the middle of working on her first victim, and it wasn't going well. I hate Mondays, she thought to herself. Everyone is so cranky and stupid.
Henriette, the Ravenclaw she'd cornered after History of Magic, was puffing on an inhaler and wheezing in between asking questions like, "When was this!" and "Are they still together?" Ginny left in an enigmatic shroud of "I don't bloody know, you fool," and went to find another victim.
Where are Fred and George when you need them? Ginny thought after disclosing her 'secret' about the Dark Lord and the Potions proffessor to a group of overly excited Gryffindor girls, then considered writing them a letter for help, when she saw Harry and Ron walking down the stairs towards the Main Hall. On a whim, she started running towards them, shouting, "Snape's having an affair with You-Know-Who! Pass it on!" when not only did that particular staircase detach from the nearest landing, but one of the portraits informed her that what she was doing was slander, thank you very much, and could she please find something else to do with her time.
DAY ELEVEN
12. Laugh every time he lectures someone. Then laugh harder if he lectures you.
Ginny was still smarting from the telling off she'd received from the portrait the day before when, flanked by Mandy and Rose, she entered the dungeon to see a large, framed painting of the Dark Lord hanging from the wall above Snape's desk. If that were not disturbing enough, it had been done in bright, neon colors and featured You-Know-Who in a rather subjective pose. As the students filed in, the painting winked at a few and blew kisses.
Snape was sitting at his desk, but none of them had noticed, being too busy looking at the portrait on the wall. The proffessor looked at all of them distastefully before speaking.
"I'm sure you all have heard of a vacation I reportedly took a few years ago . . . " he began. Ginny quickly wrote a note to Mandy.
'Does it count if he's lecturing the whole class?' she asked.
Mandy wrote back, 'Er . . . yes. Probably.'
Ginny looked at her friend and nodded solemnly, then turned back to the front of the room and started laughing like a hyena watching pro wrestling.
"Liederhosen!" she managed in between guffaws. "You crack me UP, Severus!" Ginny continued laughing and even started kicking the chair in front of her. Then, as suddenly as she started laughing, she stopped, with her head down on the desk.
Snape's expression hadn't changed one bit as he waited for his student to stop the hysterics. After the room was silent again, except for a few giggles here and there, he stood and made the picture of the Dark Lord (Now preening itself in a mirror, tube of lipstick in hand) disappear with a wave of his wand. Only then did he start the lesson.
After ten minutes went by without incident, Ginny began to worry that maybe Snape had caught on to the day's task. He hadn't lectured anybody, even as a foul green slime began to ooze from the cauldron of the students seated in front of her.
Mandy poked her and passed a note. 'This isn't turning out right. From now on, laugh if he says anything at all; if you wait for him to lecture someone then it won't be enough.' Ginny agreed, considering purposely messing up their potion in hopes of inciting a lecture.
A student raised his hand. Ginny was immediately alert, watching him.
"Professor? May I go to the bathroom?"
Snape looked at the student as though there were nothing more he would like to do than to smite him like a kid smites a beetle. He had no sooner opened his mouth to speak when Ginny started roaring with laughter and banging on the table with her fists. She made sure to point at Snape a few times, just for good effect.
After she'd stopped, declaring, "Blimey, I feel like a donut being raped by a Pikachu," Snape said to the student, "You may not go to the bathroom, but you may indeed escort Miss Weasley to the hospital wing, so that Madam Pomfrey can perhaps see what is the matter with her."
Ginny was too busy laughing to even be indignant.
DAY TWELVE
13. Every time he turns around, start giggling. If he turns to see who it is, stop immediately and resume what you were doing so that he can't tell who it was. Repeat for as long as possible.
After spending almost an hour in the hospital wing the day before, trying to persuade Madam Pomfrey that there was nothing wrong with her, Ginny was in the perfect mood to make Snape's life a living hell. Adding fuel to that fire had been when Ron cornered her in the Common Room afterwards, trying to convince her to stop before Mrs. Weasely got wind of it and sent a howler. Ginny hadn't considered that before, but Harry had winked at her from behind Ron's back as her brother tried to think of reasons why she stop. She'd decided right then that aside from anything else, making Ron squirm was reason enough in itself to continue.
The day started off pretty much the same way the last one had, except that there was no provocative picture of You-Know-Who hanging above the desk. Snape didn't say anything, merely tapped the board, and sat down as the students got to work.
His mistake had been turning around to get the instructions on the board, inciting a giggle from somewhere near the back of the room. He ignored it, however.
After about half the period was over, Snape got up and began walking among the rows of desks, making students nervous and pointing out the flaws in their work. He passed Ginny's table on one side, and there was a giggle. He came around to the other side, walking back to the front of the room, and there was a giggle, for longer this time. He looked back to see where it had come from, and it stopped, but as soon as he turned around again, the giggling started again. And lo, for the rest of the class period, every time his back was turned to the students one of them giggled.
When there was only five minutes left in the period, Snape turned around after another bout of giggling and announced, "Unless you wish me to sever the vocal cords of each and every one of you, I suggest whoever is making that vile noise, please stop." Satisfied, he sat down again, and waited while the class put there things away.
Ginny had decided that, with only five minutes left in the period, she didn't really need to continue the thirteenth item on the list anymore. Which was why, when Snape turned around to erase the instructions from the board, she was surprised to hear someone on the other side of the room giggling.
DAY THIRTEEN
14. Speak using sign language or a small white board with a squeaky Expo marker.
I'm so glad Potions is my last class of the day, Ginny thought angrily as she gave the password to the Fat Lady and climbed through the portrait hole. And I'm even more glad everyone is at dinner! she continued as she entered the Common Room to see that it was totally empty. She tossed the white board and expo marker, which had been extremely hard to get a hold of thankyouverymuch, on the floor and threw herself into the chair by the fire, contemplating expanding the list until Snape was driven insane. She smiled to herself as she imagined that git in a straight jacket in a padded room somewhere. Then squirrels could throw pinecones and stuff at him.
"Bad day?" someone asked. Ginny shot up in her chair. She'd thought she was alone. She turned around to see Harry standing next to her chair, holding something green and limp in one hand and his wand in the other. He looked as tired as she felt.
"The worst," she said, turning back towards the fire. Harry took a seat in the chair next to hers.
"What happened? Did Snape give you detention for ever?"
"No, he didn't do anything, he just sat there and graded papers while we did our assignments. I couldn't do anything to him that he would notice."
Harry didn't say anything, but picked up the expo marker and white board and wrote something. Ginny couldn't help but smile when she saw that he'd drawn an evil caricature of Snape, a smiley face, and written, "Don't worry, tomorrow is another day."
DAY FOURTEEN
15. At a Quidditch match sit behind him and say deragatory things about Slytherin. If he turns around to lecture you, pretend to be sleeping.
Friday had been uneventful, seemingly much to Snape's relief. Ginny had watched him for most of the class period, and it hadn't escaped her notice that he had, between then and the day before, aquired a green and silver stress buddy.
She hadn't seen Harry since the night before, but the Quidditch match that day was between Gryffindor and Slytherin, so mixed in with her excitment about the match and about item #15, was a sort of dread that Snape would try something. She tried to shake it off as she, Mandy and Rose, Ron, and Hermione approached the stadium. It was easy to forget, she discovered, as soon as Hermione pointed out that there were only two seats left behind Snape. Ron, Hermione, and Mandy left to find some other seats, while Rose and Ginny rushed to take the remaining two before someone else did.
Ginny started running her mouth as soon as Madam Hooch started the game. "So anyway, I was talking to Finch the other day and I think I got halitosis just from standing a little too close to him. I mean, it's no wonder he can never get the Snitch, his breath probably drives it away . . ."
Snape turned around to see Ginny Weasely leaning against the side of the stadium, sleeping, and also drooling quite excessively. He turned back around just as Gryffindor scored.
"Yeah, and I'm not surprised that their keeper didn't save that, what has he got, a Nimbus 2001? How last year! All the best players have Firebolts! And how come there are no girls on their team? Are they all homosexualists or something? Do they have massive orgies in the locker room or something? Come on! How anti-feminist!
Snape turned to see the youngest Weasely curled up in the corner of the stadium. Gryffindor scored again soon after he resumed watching.
"You see? This game is in the bag! Slytherin is too busy being evil and smelly to keep their eyes on the ball. And why are the beaters using clubs to hit the bludgers anyway? They could just as easily use their faces . . . WAY TO GO, HARRY!"
Gryffindor had won by 170 points!