A dark figure sat complacently atop his throne. But there was trouble afoot.
"My liege..." a rat-like man said adoringly.
"Silence!" Voldemort twiddled his long, grotesque fingers. "We needed that boy."
"The Potter boy?"
"Avada Kedavra!" With a flash of green light, Wormtail was dead. "See what happens when such a wizard disobeys me?" The Dark Lord let out a horrifying cackle. "Somebody, dispose of his body. You may have as much...er ... fun with it as you wish." A dozen death eaters scrambled for the mousy stud, but Voldemort continued. "No, no, of course not the Potter boy. I've never truly needed him, just felt as though I had to scare him. I don't believe in prophecies. But I did need to kill his father. He was just an afterthought. And if you remember correctly, I gave his mother a chance to live. That bitch has laid me so many times..." Voldemort trailed off in bitter nostalgia. "She did things I'd never seen before... things I thought humanly impossible... my sweet Merlin..." He paused again. "All sexual exploits aside, the Potter boy has nonetheless failed me again. As some of you fools may know, he unearthed the Diggory boy." There was a gasp throughout the hall. "He thinks his dear friend Cedric's death was merely for show. Ha, boyish foolishness. But even moreso, we needed him dead for at least four years. And as you know, it's only been three.
"Potter may be surprised at just how positively shaggable Cedric appears. I assure you, however, that he would have looked ten times better had we not laid him–er, I mean, laid that curse on him." Voldemort looked around nervously. "Hey, Malfoy, that is a positively stunning green bracelet. Did you get it at Harry Potter night at Barnes and Noble?"
"Er... yes. Yes, I did."
"Avada Kedavra!" With another green flash, Draco's father was dead. "Nobody," he paused indignantly, "is to attend a Harry Potter night. At any bookstore. Is that understood?" Another pause. "They make me look bad." Without any direction, a hundred death eaters leapt for Malfoy's body. "Hey!" They all stopped in their tracks. "This one's for me." Voldemort walked over to the late Death Eater's body, invisibility cloak in hand. He had helped him escape Azkaban; now the favor would be returned. "Oh, it's been too long, Lucius," he said before donning the cape. His death eaters watched in amazement.
Invisibly, Voldemort continued to preach to his followers. "Yes, Diggory was a remarkable wizard. Even by such a young age." The Dark Lord was beginning to sound out of breath. "But he possessed something else, something more important, unnnnngghhhh especially to me. Something that would win me this war. Uhhhh uungghhhh errrrrr, and my permanent immortality ooooh! Ohhh! Yessss, yessss, that's it. Oooooh, yesss, uunnnghhh UHHH YES! YES! OOH, YES! Ahhhh, yess. Yessss, ohhh, that feels lovely. Yesss. Ooooh. Ooh."
Voldemort's quick breathing subsided and he spoke again. "Now then. All this time, the Potter boy's tried to thwart my plans, but he has yet to decipher my true motives." There was some rustling and the sound of a zipper before he pulled off the cloak, revealing flustered, sweat-drenched cheeks. He cleared his throat. "My true motives, being those of the resurrection of Mr Diggory. So finally, Potter has succeeded. You see, when he was a babe, and by he, I mean Diggory, I was still quite powerful and skilled. I altered his genetic makeup. I altered him so that he would be even more ravishing than what that compilation of chromosomes his rather mediocre parents gave him intended. But I did not do this merely so one day I could... er... have my way with him. Oh no. I did it so that four years posthumously, I would be able to unearth him and extract his sexiness, to insert it within me. You'd be surprised how much soul-splitting can take away from your attractiveness," he added as a side-note. "And then, after intrinsically combining his sexiness with mine, death eaters and aurors alike would gravitate towards me, and the whole wizarding world would be under my command and at my dispense!" The Dark Lord subsequently cackled, leading the whole room to do the same.
"But Potter, Potter has finally prevented my true intents. We must stop him before he molests Cedric, for there is another factor in his curse. Although we can bury him for another four years and still reap the benefits of his resurrection, if the Diggory boy is sodomized by Gryffindor flesh, he will forever be immaculate. We will never be able to proceed with our goals, and must find another future stunningly attractive boy to genetically alter before birth. And thus, the cycle would continue, and we run the risk of another Harry Potter getting in our way. It would be much easier to just kill the boy once and for all. I volunteer Severus."
But Severus was not at the meeting. Severus was still in bed with Draco, much to Voldemort's chagrin.