A/N: Sorry for the short chapter. Haha, not like anyone's reading it, anyway. Ah, that's a bitter lie: thanks to lulunz, I really appreciated the feedback. This one's for you.
It was the morning after they'd "done the deed," and Harry had a howler on its merry way. When it started shouting, his cheeks flushed from embarrassment. What was more surprising, though, than the actual howler, was the fact that it was from Aunt Petunia. But how on earth could she have learned to use owls?
Harry Potter!
You scum! You rotten boy! I knew you were never any good, I just knew it, and it wasn't just because you came from that bonkers sister of mine. Harry Potter, this is the last straw! I've had it with you! I ought to have you hanged for this! And I will, trust me, if it's the last thing I do.
Uh-oh. What had he done this time to anger the foul beast? He assumed he'd find out, and thus, kept reading.
You're probably wondering what on earth you did wrong. I'll admit, you were never the sharpest knife in the box. I never expected anything more from you. But your influence on my poor Dudley... I ... I ... I can barely bring myself to write it! Do you know what he's done? He's gone off and become a–a–a... a PORNOGRAPHY STAR! Evidently, he's taken a liking to... wizard-pig fetishes. This, Potter, is all your fault. I hold you accountable for every single movie-making second that my baby Dudley is waving his dick in front of the camera. If you do not rectify this... this travesty within the next two weeks, I am hereby removing you from Hogwarts. And then, you'll wish you were never born! (Which probably would have been all the much better!)
Adoringly yours,
Aunt Petunia
Dudley? A porn star? This was incredulous. For one, he'd always thought Dudley a virgin. Secondly, he'd always thought Dudley was never refined enough to experiment with bestiality. And thirdly, who'd want to see that fat boy's genitalia? Disgusting! He had to stop it–not for Petunia's sake (she'd probably done some professional "acting" herself, that whore), but for the sake of humanity. After all, nobody liked a lardarse. He didn't know what he'd do if one day, while flipping channels in search of wizard-pig porn, he'd come across Dudley's needle dick. Probably Avada Kedavra himself.
"Ron," he whispered, tentatively. "We've got to do something." Harry passed his best friend the howler, and after an hour and a half of reading, Ron turned a blank white and nodded his head.