A/N: Haha, wow, thanks to everyone for the reviews, again. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (And now for some shameless pimpage of Charms and Charisma, my blossoming DM/HG fic, which is in desperate need of reviews... okay, glad that's over!) Oh, and, Jesus Christ Superstar is not mine. Nor is "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Not that I should have to explain this, because disclaimers on a website that hosts stories SPECIFICALLY to use OTHER PEOPLE'S WORK are sort of, well, how do I put this nicely? Pointless, stupid, retarded, illogical, dumb, fatuous, thoughtless, purposeless, and GAY! Okay, sorry if I offended any homosexual people out there. I meant "gay" as in the derogatory term that has been warped to have such a meaning by in-the-closet cowboys who also happen to be ignorant, bible-thumping nazis. Not "gay" as in I-like-it-up-the-butt gay. Because I don't have a problem with that; it's like racism. Racism is hatred for a group of people that cannot change its genome. Scientists are very, very close right now to proving the existence of a "gay gene," or, rather, a "gay section" on a certain chromosome. And plus, studies have been done to show similarities between pheromone reaction to smell in gay men and women, further suggesting scientific evidence for homosexuality. But why, you ask, would evolution, by nature, condone such a gene, since homosexuals don't normally reproduce to pass on their DNA? (Actually, if you're asking because you think god hates homosexuals, you probably are too stupid to accept evolution as fact anyway.) Well, it has been theorized that the advantage lies in the heterozygous male. Let's just simplify this and pretend that sexuality genetics don't have anything to do with codominance, epistasis, and pleiotropy. (But my example will have to do with incomplete dominance... you'll see) So. Let's make it like this. Sstraight and sgay. (Don't worry about it if you're not gene-t-astic like I am. They do weird things like use the same letters. Yeah, it's gay, I know.) Okay, so a homozygous dominant male would have the alleles SS. Straight, straight, straight to the extreme, straight hardcore, straight as a line that isn't curved. A homozygous recessive male would have the alleles ss. Gay, gay, gay to the max, gay like butt-sex in a guy named Max, gay as the sky in the home on the range. But what happens when you have a heterozygous male? As in, Ss? No, that is not Severus Snape. Therein lies the advantage, as I so stated before. Because, due to a possible incomplete dominance, a heterozygous male would have some homosexual traits, like sensitivity, etc., but still be straight, and therefore, get more chicks, and, therefore, win at the game of natural selection. They should definitely make that into a board game. I don't know why I just said all that. It was gay.

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There was a death that night at Hogwarts. And not just any death, no. It was a murder.

The murderer? Severus Snape. The murderee? Lucius Malfoy.

"Lucius Malfoy? But he was already dead!" you say. No. Scream. You scream it wildly as though you are some wild wild-person living in the wild. But oh, how very wrong you are. You merely thought he was dead. Well, you thought wrong, schizo! "But you already wrote about killing him!" you protest vehemently. (Your arguing skills have improved drastically.) To which I respond, "Hey, everybody lies." Yeah, that's right. I lied to you. But he's dead now, don't worry. I swear it. And that is not a lie. Or is it? Now, since you are not an important character in my story, I'll kindly ask you to shut the fuck up.

Draco was running around the school screaming wildly in the manner you so rudely did above as well. He approached small children, genitalia flopping, and screamed obscenities followed by an odd sound resembling that of a person yelling "Boogity-woogity-woogity," all the while assuming drunken ninja positions.

And Severus spotted him just as he pushed a second-year into a wall and galloped away, cackling maniacally. Merlin, he was beautiful. Severus shook his head and emitted a dry sob. His fingers shook with a similar fervor as he raised his wand, remembering that he'd done the same to his beloved Albus Dumbledore a few weeks before, and remembering the hours he spent in his room cutting himself out of xXemoXx xXpainXx he experienced during the suffrage afterwards. In the election, of course, because suffrage is not the act of suffering, it is the right to vote in political elections. But he did suffer. Oh, did he suffer. And he cried crimson rivers of blood each night. Each very emo-tastic night. He was bisexual, too. (Comes in the emo package) (Hey, did you know that the word "emotional" has the slang abbreviation "emo" in it? Yeah, fantastic, I know.) (Shut up, nobody gave you the privilege to speak again.) And so, he raised his wand, closed his eyes and gulped. Those dreadful words would come any moment now. And they did. His wand vibrated with a green light, and within milliseconds...

It was a microphone. This one was for Voldemort. And for Draco.

"Now, if I help you, it matters that you see

these sordid kind of things are coming hard to me!

It's taken me some time to work out what to do!

I weighed the whole thing out before I came to you!

I had no thought at all about my own reward;

I really didn't come here on my own accord.

Just don't say I'm damned for all time!

"I came because I had to; I'm the one who saw

Voldemort can't control you like he did before,

and furthermore, I know that Voldemort thinks so, too!

Voldemort wouldn't mind that I was here with you!

I had no thought at all about my own reward;

I really didn't come here on my own accord.

Just don't say I'm damned for all time!

... Another hour into the rock opera ...

"My god! I saw him; he looked three-quarters dead,

and he was so bad, I had to turn my head!

You beat him so hard that he was bent and lame!

And I know who everybody's gonna blame!

I don't believe he knows I acted for our good...

I'd save him all this suffering if I could!

Don't believe! Our good!

And I'd save him, if I could!"

Then, the Biblical characters Caiaphas and Annas suddenly apparated into Hogwarts, as with Dumbledore dead, his disapparation ban charm had been inactivated. Yes, the men who killed Jesus were both wizards, and were also both coincidentally nearly 2000 years old. (They had borrowed Nicholas Flamel's stone-thingy for a few days) They also had taken a particular liking to the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar, mostly because Caiaphas was portrayed by a very sexy man by the name of Bob Bingham. Thus, they joined Snape's farce. Annas was the first to sing.

"Cut the confessions, forget the excuses!

I don't understand why you're filled with remorse!

All that you've said has come to rue with a vengeance;

The mob turned against him! You backed the right horse."

Then, Caiaphas transfigured into a young Bingham before belting out the notes.

"What you have done will be the saving of everyone!

You'll be remembered forever for this!

...not only that, you've been paid for your efforts!

Pretty good wages for one little kiss!"

Severus broke down.

"Draco, I know you can't hear me,

but I only did what Voldemort wanted me to!

Draco, I'd sell out the nation,

for I have been saddled with the murder of you!

I have been spattered with innocent blood!

I shall be dragged through the slime and the mud!

I have been spattered with innocent blood!

I shall be dragged through the slime and the, slime and the, slime and the mud!

"I don't know how to love him;

I don't know why he moves me!

He's a man. He's just a man.

He is not a king! He is just the same as anyone I know!

He scares me so. When he's cold and dead,

will he let me be? Does he love? Does he love me too?

Does he care for me?"

And then, eyes slammed shut and thin lips quivering, Snape shouted those fateful words. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" White-hot green sparks shot from his wand in the direction of the naked Slytherin prefect, but suddenly, from out of nowhere, Lucius Malfoy dove in front of his son and took the blow for him. He was dead immediately.

"MERLINFUCKER!" Severus shrieked. "HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" Yeah, that's right, Snape. I lied to you, too. Look who's the Merlin-fucker now!

... It's okay, baby, I didn't mean it... please come home with me tonight...

"Why, for too long, I've put up with this now. I must stop Draco from dying!" said Snape, "But how?" Then he got an idea. An awful idea. THE SNAPE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" the Snape laughed in his throat. And then he went and had sex with a goat! And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Snape-y trick! I'll dress Lucius as Draco so the latter will still suck my dick!

"All I need is Shrinking Solution..." The Snape looked around. But since Shrinking Solution is scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Snape? No! The Snape simply said, "If I can't find this potion, I'll make one instead!" So he went to his room and he accio'd his bed, and he made the solution from the top of his head!

Then he got tired of Dr Seuss and his gay bullshit, used a time-turner and forced Lucius to drink his potion, which made him grow considerably younger and look the spitting image of his only son, and then AK'd that son of a bitch. And then Annas and Caiaphas cackled and they started on their rendition of the muggle song, "Fuck Tha Police."