Title: I'll Return…..Someday: Chapter 4

Author: JadeHeart

Located/Archived: Found on If anyone would like it, please ask me first!

Fandom: Space: Above & Beyond

Rating: M

Created: December 2005

Warnings: violence, angst,

Timeline: Not sure exactly when. Just somewhere in the middle of the season I guess.

Characters: Wildcards/McQueen/Kitra and a cast other OCs)

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to the creators of 'Space: Above & Beyond', nor am I making any profits from this.

Chapter 4

"You'll have to save the celebration, we're moving out." Kitra said from the doorway.

Her people turned to face her. She wished she didn't have to tell them this news. They all deserved a break, a time to reflect upon what had happened, and adjust to the changes that would be caused by their missing friends.

"When?" Kez asked.

"0100. Which means we've got to start now if we're going to be ready."

"What's the job?"

"A tough one, but we're the only ones who have got a chance of doing it. It's quite a way to go, so that's why we've got to move now."

"Oh, well, I've never had a good head for drink. It's better if I don't have any."

"Meet you in the hangar. Stow your gear, then start the checks."

Without any further conversation, her people filed out. She moved back to her own room where she was surprised to find a visitor. Hawkes stood looking out the window.

"Nice view." she said upon entering.

He turned at her voice. "Hope you don't mind. I sort of let myself in. I didn't like hanging around in the corridor."

She shook her head, "'Course not. Want a drink?"

"Sure."

She poured a drink for them both. She knew that she should be meeting her people, they had a great deal of work to do, but she could not leave yet. She didn't want it well known that they were going and she knew her people wouldn't say anything. She passed a drink to Hawkes and they stood side by side watching the stars.

"What do you think about when you look out there?" Hawkes asked, startling her out of her reverie.

"Home. Bel. Friends." she said, softly, finishing her drink and setting the glass down. "And you?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

He shrugged. "I don't have a home. I don't have any family."

"What about friends?"

"The only friends I have are right here."

"But don't you think of something else when you see the stars? Seeing space stretch on and on before you? Doesn't that make you think or feel anything?"

"It makes me feel cold." She frowned a little at his answer. "It's like it's trying to suck all the warmth out of my body."

She rested her hand on the glass - all that separated them from that black expanse.

"No, it's not an enemy. It is beautiful. It's proof that no matter what happens, there will always be beauty in this universe, that there will always be something enduring, like love."

"I don't know anything about love."

To Kitra's ear, Hawkes voice sounded bitter, and she turned to face him. She studied him. He was a good looking man, young, fit, intelligent, and the light in his eyes belied his inability to experience emotions.

"Why did you come back for me?" she asked softly, watching his face.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"You must. None of us do things without having a reason."

"Why did you stay behind?" he countered.

"I was hurt. Badly. I couldn't make it on my own."

"You could have asked for help."

"I would have endangered someone else's life and wouldn't do that."

"Why not?"

"You all mean too much to me to risk losing you."

Hawkes looked about to say something, but stopped, and instead turned to put his glass down.

"So why did you come back for me?" she asked again.

"I didn't want to think of you dying there."

"Everyone's got to die somewhere. There, or somewhere else, what does it matter?"

He turned to face her. "I didn't want you to die anywhere."

Kitra looked into his eyes. Hawkes eyes still held an innocence that showed his age, yet also a hardness from horror and pain. Reaching up slowly she touched her fingertips to his cheek. Barely touching his skin, she drew his face down to hers until their lips touched, hesitantly at first as he searched out this new sensation, and then more firmly as a feeling grew within him. Her hand slowly slid across his cheek and began to curve around his neck.

Suddenly his hand shot up and captured her wrist, pulling her hand away as he jerked his head up.

"What?" she queried softly, searching his face when he didn't answer. "Because you're an invitro?"

He looked startled. "You know?"

She nodded. "It doesn't matter whether you are a human or a tank. You are still a man. And it is the man that I want."

She raised herself on her toes to touch his lips again. Soon he released her wrist and made no further move as her hand caressed the back of his neck. She slid her hands down his neck and chest, down his ribs and tugged his shirt up. They broke the kiss as she lifted it over his head and it dropped to the floor.

Hawkes may not have been taught a great deal about human relationships, of how humans, male and female, interact at times like this, but somewhere in the genes, biology took over. His instincts lead him now. As her hands slid back up his chest, his dropped to the front of her vest. Finding the zipper, he pulled it down, pushing it from her shoulders. Her skin was soft and warm under his hands as they moved down her back. He fumbled a moment with the clasp of her bra, completely unfamiliar with this but then it was free. When it too had dropped to the ground, he wrapped his arms around her firmly, lifting her from her feet, feeling her arms clasped tightly about his neck. Turning he took the few steps to her bunk, laying her down, and lowering himself on her. His dog tags fell cold upon her neck and she pushed him away gently.

"The war will come between us soon enough." she whispered, lifting them from around his neck and dropping her hand over the side. "But not now." and as he kissed her, the dog tags slithered to the floor.

Kitra stared at the ceiling as she had been for a long time. Hawkes's soft, warm breath caressed her ear. Turning her head, she looked upon his sleeping face. It was calm, at peace. Kitra knew that she had behaved irresponsibly. They were at war, and war had no place for sentiment, and she was leaving. She glanced at the stars through the window. It was time to go.

Rising slowly, she dressed and left without disturbing Hawkes, her possessions in a small bundle. All her group were in the hanger, working hard. She stowed her gear and began the checks. None of them made any comment on her late arrival. Even though she had shown little outward evidence, they all knew her too well to not recognise the attraction that had been drawing her and Hawkes together. After a few more hours, they all reported ready, just as the chronometer was moving towards 0100.

"We made good time. Well done." she complimented them. "Let's get out of here."

"Too late." Peta called back from the door, jerking her head. They peered through to see McQueen and

the 58th arriving at a run.

"Were you just going to sneak out of here?" McQueen asked.

"We've got a deadline and we've been working to meet it. We've got to go."

"Without saying good-bye?" Vanessa asked.

"We don't like good-byes. There's never a lot a point to them."

Kitra saw the change in the faces before her at her curt answers, although she was studiously avoiding looking at one face in particular. "Look, we've still got a couple of things to do. You can talk to us if you wish, but we've got to keep going. We've enjoyed working with you, you're good, but we've got to go."

She turned on her heel and disappeared to the other side of the ship as the rest of her people went back to their final tasks. Hawkes found her there immediately. "Why didn't you say something? Who do you think you are? I wake up and you're gone, then I hear that you're pulling out. What do you think you're doing?"

Kitra turned to him once he had finished, and the unshed tears in her eyes stopped his torrent of words. "Hawkes...Cooper, what could I say? We've got a job to do. It came through only six hours ago and we needed all that time to get prepared. We're in a war. You knew I would have to leave."

"You could have told me!"

She shook her head. "I didn't have the words. I didn't plan it this way. Please believe me. I didn't plan any of this. It just happened." she reached out and touched his cheek softly. "Keep well, Cooper Hawkes." and she moved past him.

Spinning, he pulled her back into his embrace, crushing her to him. He breathed in the sweet smell of her skin, pressing his face into the silkiness of her hair. "Don't leave me." he rasped out desperately.

She squeezed her eyes shut at the sound of his raw emotion. "I must." she whispered, almost in pain. "Forgive me." and she released him and slipped away.

The rest of her group were doing a final round of hand shakes and piling into Predator. "Good luck, 58th. Safe flying." and she stepped inside. Turning for one final look back, she saw that Hawkes had joined the others. She caught McQueen's eye, knowing that he would guess what had occurred between them.

"Attention!" he snapped, and he and the 58th came to attention and saluted. Kitra looked for one more moment, and then for the first time in her life, she returned the salute, before the door swished shut.

She moved to take her seat at the front, glancing out the window where she could see the 58th still standing. "Sorry to be going?" Van asked at her side.

She turned to look at him. "No."

"Liar."

"Yes." was her reply as she turned away, settling into her seat. "Okay, let's get out of here."

"Coop!" West shouted, urging his friend to vacate the launch deck before the vacuum doors shut. "Come on, get out of there!" Running back, he grabbed Hawkes arm and pulled him through at the last moment. Immediately, Hawkes was against the window, watching Predator drop from sight.

Even when the others had gone, he remained still standing there.

Six months later, Hawkes was called to McQueen's quarters.

"Take a seat, Hawkes." he said. Cooper seated himself hesitantly, uncertain of the reason for his being there. "There's something I want you to hear, and I didn't think you would want everyone else to." He began flicking some switches. "This message buoy was picked up a couple of weeks ago. It had been drifting for a number of months as near as we can gather."

The static cleared and then a voice came through clearly, a voice Hawkes knew well for he heard it in his dreams nearly every night - Kitra.

"Well, McQueen, I hope you've got this, it's not going to make any sense to anyone else. We did that job we left to do except it turned out even worse than we expected. Damn military intelligence - that's a contradiction in terms! We got off the planet alright, and landed straight in the middle of things. Predator's useless, there's nothing left working. We're all still here, though barely. At the moment we're watching two destroyers coming in for the kill, although it's going to be a race as to whether they get us, or our life support goes first, or we burn up in the atmosphere. We're already in a decaying orbit. We estimate we might have five minutes. What a way to go, eh? Enough chit-chat, don't have the time for it. I have a favour to ask. I'd like you to pass a message on for me. You don't have to - and if you decide not to, I understand. It's for Cooper. Tell him...Tell him I love him. Not that it does either of us any good, but I had to say it. At least I have said it. We've got about three minutes so I need to get this buoy off now, or it'll go the same way we do. All the information the military would want is in here. You know what to do with that. Look after yourself, and take care of the 58th. War's hell, isn't it?"

Hawkes sat still as the message ended in silence. "How long ago?"

"Probably nearly six months."

"Almost straight away." McQueen nodded.

Hawkes looked up at this man who in many ways he thought of as a father. "Did she mean it, sir? Could she mean it? She's a human. How could she 'love' me?"

McQueen looked down into Hawkes bewildered, confused face. He had agonised long and hard about whether or not to let Hawkes hear this message, but from what little he knew of Kitra in their short time together, he had come to respect her and knew her to be an honest person. He decided that right or wrong, he had to honour her last wish.

"Hawkes, they had five minutes, or so they estimated, before they died. There were five people on that ship and there was plenty of other information they could have put in the buoy. In those five minutes, she could have been spending that time fighting to keep her people alive. Instead she spent those last five minutes thinking of you, trying to get a message to you. If you had five minutes to live, what would you be doing?"

Hawkes remained silent as McQueen walked behind him and rested a hand on his shoulder. "She loved you enough to sacrifice her last remaining moments to try and speak to you across space. How can you doubt her?"

Hawkes then stood and moved to the door before turning. "Thank you, sir. For telling me. I know you didn't have to." and he left.

When he reached the sleeping quarters, the others were lying on their various bunks. West looked up as Hawkes entered.

"What's wrong?" he asked, catching sight of Hawkes face.

Hawkes sat on the edge of his bunk. "A message buoy was found. From Kitra." the others sat up at this news. "They're dead."

"What?" Damphousse said.

"They sent the buoy off five minutes before they were entering a decaying orbit. If they weren't blown out of the sky by the two Chig destroyers that were bearing down on them."

"When?" Shane asked quietly.

"Nearly six months ago."

They were all silent and Hawkes swung himself up to lie on his bunk, staring at the ceiling. Silently the others followed suit, each wrapped up in their own thoughts and memories of a young fiery guerrilla fighter and her small group, who fought the war their way.