A/N: Okay, guys, sorry the last chapter was so confusing. Basically, Snape had a little internal struggle with what Voldemort told him to do, which was kill Draco, and what he wanted to do, which was shag Draco. In the end, he tried to kill Draco, the boy he loved, but Lucius jumped out in front of the spell and died instead. Then, Snape decided to use a time-turner to bring Lucius back to life and make him look like Draco by using a reverse-aging potion. Oh, and I promise to come up with cleverer rhymes.

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Harry Potter was well on his way back to the Dursleys on the train when he decided, "Fuck that; I don't care if I'm not allowed to apparate. I'm the friggin' boy-who-lived, and I can do whatever the bloody fuck I want, whenever I want." And thus, he disapparated to number four Privet Drive to kill Dudley when... Could it be? He'd spotted the most typically gorgeous girl to ever set foot in the realm of Harry Potter. She had luscious, long, straight, blonde locks that cascaded over her petite frame, which, although nearly sickly thin, still had enough strength to hold up D-cup breasts in a tiny tank top and a considerable booty in a leather micromini.

Harry's mouth went agape until he realized she was walking towards him, in which case, he began to drool. "Harry Potter?" she asked, because for some unknown reason she knew his name. "Are you Harry Potter?"

"Y-y-y-yes, yes I am," he responded dumbly.

"I'm Auroraleieanymphoradinosaura Wilkinson... I'm the popular new Hogwarts valedictorian. I transferred from America. I've heard a lot about you," she explained, batting her long eyelashes.

"Bl-blu–bloo-blah–b-b-but how did you find me here?"

"I was just walking to the school, from America, and then I just happened to miraculously run into you, and I was wondering if you could give me directions."

"Y-y-sure! I'll even walk you the rest of the way, since I am so astounded by your beauty and intellect," said Harry. And he was going to do it, too, if it hadn't been for Hermione and Ron apparating to the sidewalk on which they stood. (Half of Ron's arm was missing because he, too, decided that he was too good for the rules.) Hermione drew her wand.

"Harry! Move aside!" she bellowed.

"Wh-what? Hermione! No! What in the name of Merlin do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going to kill that dumb bitch! And to think! Oh, if Ginny had been here! Don't you know, Harry? That's Mary Sue! The one for whom the ministry's been looking!"

"Hermione, no! Her name's Aurora–something, er...limphosauruschlamydia Wilkinson! You've got the wrong extremely sexy, extremely witty, and extremely intelligent girl who also has a superhumanly interesting personality!"

Just then, Hermione gave Ron the signal, and he whipped out his monstrous genitalia, summoning Harry to the shed that had magically appeared behind them. With a simple "AVADA KEDAVRA," Aurorabowelmovementsyphillis was a heap of dust on the pavement. Hermione clapped her hands together, brushing off the dirt, before jumping at a shrill, girlish scream coming from the shed. And then she remembered that was just what Ron did when he orgasmed. Oh, Ron.

As soon as the boys came out of the shed, looking very flushed, mind you, Hermione proclaimed, "Well, now that that's settled, let's get on with this Dudley-killing business. How did you say you would do it again, Harry?"

"Oh," Harry sighed, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Well, er... Professor Snape said there was a place I could take him where muggles almost always die."

Hermione looked a bit puzzled, but Ron cut off her potential analysis with a shout of, "That's bloody brilliant!" And thus, the threesome was on its way to the Dursley abode.

And they would have made it, too, had Ron not realized he'd forgotten a very important object. Within a few seconds, Ron had apparated to and from Hogwarts, but this time, he wielded a very sexy, yet dead-looking boy in his arms. "Oi!" he shouted, and the three jolly friends were reunited once more.

But when they came upon Four Privet Drive, they were far from jovial. It might have been because Harry had such bad memories there. It could have been because they missed Hogwarts so dearly. Or, perhaps, it could have been because there was no house in the address, but instead, in its place, a gigantic Dudley Dursley with massive breasts. It looked as though he had gained at least two tons since the porno video, then implanted his extra fat into his pectoral muscles, and then gained three more tons. Ron immediately flung himself into Hermione's arms, and Harry approached the massive glob of Dudley hesitantly.

"D–du–Dudley? Is that you, mate?" he asked, clearly frightened.

Dudley didn't answer for a few minutes. Then, it took him thirty seconds longer to get his twenty-six chins out of the way to actually open his mouth to speak, or, rather, moan awfully. "MRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRHARHARMUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAWWWWWR!"

Ron pissed his pants. Harry wasn't sure whether or not Dudley had heard him, and thus, spoke louder. "DUDLEY!" he yelled into the wind, before realizing the wind he felt was actually his most hated cousin breaking wind. "DUDLEY! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH AUNT PETUNIA AND UNCLE VERNON!" he hacked.

Another minute or two passed before Dudley began to move his chins to answer once more. "I AAAAATEEEE THEMMMMMMM MRARRHARHARHARHAR MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAA YUMMY MUMMY IN MY TUMMY! BRARHARHAR," he cackled.

Harry looked at Hermione helplessly, and she shot a condescending look back. "Oh dear," she sighed, annoyed. "Where is this place we need to take that... that thing?"

"Professor Snape said... gunpoint? He said we needed to hold Dudley hostage at gunpoint. Do you know where gunpoint is?"

Hermione kicked Harry in the face. "You ignorant prat! Gunpoint isn't a place!"

Ron chimed in, his pants still dripping wet. "Yeah, it's a state of mind!" Then Hermione punched him in his ovaries.

"Gunpoint is when you point a gun to someone, in order to shoot!" Hermione explicated.

"Well, duh," Ron sighed, and Hermione punched him in the mouth.

With both boys unconscious on the ground, Hermione had time to think. That was when she noticed a particularly good-looking boy (my god, he's the spitting image of Cedric Diggory!) also lying on the ground. Within seconds, she fed him to the Dudley, followed by a shed, five cows, a lawnmower, a Mexican, three dogs, seventeen goats, eight monster trucks, liquid nitrogen, a few neighbors, and, needless to say, Ron and Harry got circumcised. The Dudley was so bloated that he just died right there, and Hermione clapped her hands together, clearly satisfied with herself.