Title: I'll Return…..Someday: Chapter 6
Author: JadeHeart
Located/Archived: Found on If anyone would like it, please ask me first!
Fandom: Space: Above & Beyond
Rating: M
Created: December 2005
Warnings: violence, angst,
Timeline: Not sure exactly when. Just somewhere in the middle of the season I guess.
Characters: Wildcards/McQueen/Kitra and a cast of other OCs)
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to the creators of 'Space: Above & Beyond', nor am I making any profits from this.
Chapter 6
"Come in." Kitra said, looking up to see McQueen entering. She sat at the table, half empty bottle before her and glass in hand.
"Not interrupting I hope."
"Not at all." was her reply. She held up the glass. "Drink?"
McQueen shook his head. "No thanks." She shrugged, downing the last in the glass. McQueen watched as she refilled it. He could see that her hand shook a little. "Does that help?"
"Help what?"
"To forget."
She looked up at him with eyes that had seen too much. "No." she looked down. "Nothing does." she took a long swallow. "What can I do for you, Colonel?" she asked, leaning back in her chair.
"Nothing. I was asked to speak to you."
She grinned without humour. "Let me guess. Van."
"That's right."
She shook her head with a half smile. "So what did he want you to say to me?"
"To ask you to reconsider your decision."
"No. I'm no use to them."
"You're the only one who could be of use to them." She frowned at him so he continued. "They aren't going to disband. You know that."
"They can if they want to."
"They can't. What would they do if they did? Where could they go? They have no home to go back to. Their friends and families are all dead. All they have is each other. They have nothing left to them but to continue the fight. Of trying to do some good in this war. They've been fighting too long to give up."
"They don't need me. Van's good enough to lead them."
McQueen shook his head. "You know that's a lie. Yes, he's good. But you're better, in ways that can't even be measured. Leaders don't just happen. A good commander has to understand, to know, their people. You're a good commander, you know you are. You're good because you can outthink the enemy and you can help your people to survive."
She laughed grimly at that. "I've got three people left out of eleven! I hardly call that a great track record!"
"That is exceptional, considering the number of years you have been together and the type of missions you take. Taking all that into consideration, your retention rate is unbelievable. Think about this last mission. With the odds stacked against you, you got out with only one dead. I've seen other missions go wrong like yours did and none survived. You can't deny the facts. Yes, you've had luck on your side, but also a lot of that luck has come from the way you work as a unit."
"Look, they can ask the military to give them someone, someone like you, who is a good commander and who could lead them."
"The military don't have the necessary personnel to do the type of jobs that you've done."
She stared at the bottle before her. "I can't do it, McQueen. I can't watch them die anymore."
"I know. But could you live with yourself knowing they will probably die quicker because you are not there?" She didn't answer him as he moved to the door and then looked back for a moment. "Like it or not, you owe them to continue to keep them alive. And you're their best hope of staying alive longer. Can you really turn your back on them?" and he left.
Kitra stared at the glass in her hand, before swallowing the last of it. She closed her eyes and leant the empty glass against her forehead, as tears trickled down her cheeks.
She found her people in the rec room. The 58th were on patrol, so she knew they would be alone. She had spent as much time with Hawkes as she could but they had become no more intimate than a kiss. She could not tell him, or anyone, what had happened to her, what the Chigs had done to her. She had slept very little, unless she was drugged, for the nightmares would wrack her each time. Not even her own people knew what had happened, and she knew that it would go to the grave with her.
"How's things?" she asked, standing by the table.
"Quiet. Boring." Van answered, shuffling a deck of cards.
"Well, this will liven it up. McQueen had a chat to me. You still want me?"
"Of course!" Van nearly shouted, staring at her.
"Okay, you've got me." Kez let out a whoop of joy and she raised her hand to quieten him. "Steady on. I've let the military know that I'm back in and they've got a job lined up for us. So now we decide what we do. I don't think we're in any shape to do anything at the moment. So we can either take the job, or we can tell the military to shove it."
"What will we do if we don't take it?" Kez asked, twirling a pen in his hand.
"Stay on the Saratoga. Relax, until we find a place we want to get off. We've still got the Mantis and that's been patched up so it's better than new. It should be, considering it's been practically rebuilt."
"And if we take the job?"
"Personally, I think we'll be blown away in the state we're in. But then that's neither here nor there."
"I don't want to stay here." Dana put in quietly.
Something in her voice made Kitra look at her sharply. "Why?"
"We don't fit in. We didn't really before. Now, less than ever."
"What's been going on?" If her people had been mistreated whilst on the Saratoga she would have more than words to say.
Dana held out her prosthetic arm. "This sets us apart. I'm tired of being avoided like I've got the plague. I'm sick of people looking like they'll throw up when they see me."
Kitra frowned, glancing at Van and Kez. "Is that how it is?" They nodded. She held up her own metallic left hand, seeming to see it for the first time. "I hadn't noticed."
"You haven't been around the ship much. You haven't been with the general people here. They can't help it."
She shook her head again. "I hadn't realised."
"You wouldn't." Van said, not accusingly. "You look at us and see only us, you don't see the metal bits, you see the person. Other people don't. All they see are the scars and missing pieces. We don't belong here."
She looked down at her prosthetic hand again, flexing the fingers before looking up. "Okay. We don't stay on the Saratoga. So what do we do?"
"Do we have to take the job now? Is there some particular reason?" Kez asked leaning forward.
"Not that I know of. At least we haven't been given a deadline."
"Then could we maybe rest up for a bit and then do it?"
"Don't see why not. Is that what you all want to do? You're all saying we're back in business?"
Dana glanced at Van who nodded. "I guess we are, but Kez is right. We need to rest up for a bit. We're in lousy shape, and we need to get used to these nuts and bolts. Until we're familiar with what we can and can't do, then we shouldn't do the job."
"Alright, I'll tell them we'll take the job, but we do it when we're ready and not before. If they're not happy with that they can find someone else. Fair enough?"
They all nodded agreement.
"So where do we go to relax?" Van asked.
"Could make it back to my place." Kitra put in. "Plenty of space there so we wouldn't be bothered by people. Nice clean, fresh air."
"It'll probably kill us." Kez slipped in.
"Unlikely." retorted Kitra good naturedly. "I should see my folks. If they're still there."
"You haven't been in touch?"
"Not since Bel and I left."
"So they don't know?" meaning about her survival and Bel's subsequent death.
She shook her head. "If they're there, they'll be more than happy to have you all."
"You sure?"
"Course. Besides, you don't think I'm about to face them alone, do you?"
"Coward."
"You don't know my parents. My mother could talk the hind leg off a donkey! And she thinks the cure for all ills is food, and I just can't eat it all myself!"
"Well, that sounds like a plan to me. When are we going to leave?"
"When do you want to?"
"As soon as possible."
"Okay, do the final checks on Mantis and let's get out of here. You don't have any good-byes to say?"
"No. Let's do this quietly. You?" Van knew Kitra still had strong feelings for Hawkes.
"Not this time. I'll send our confirmation and meet you there."
Kitra found McQueen in his quarters. "Making a bad habit of this, aren't I?" she said as she opened the door.
"Come on in." he invited.
"Thought I'd better tell you, I'm back on the team. You were right. I couldn't leave them. Yes, they'll keep dieing, but I'll join them eventually. And to be honest, I'd rather die in their company than live without it. They belong to me, just as I belong to them. I've let your military know. We've also got a job to do, but we're doing it on our time. We need to get some rest. We've got more than physical injuries to heal, we need time so we're going to take it. Then do the job later."
"So you're staying on the Saratoga?"
She shook her head. "No. We don't belong here, and we're not comfortable here. We're leaving, as soon as Mantis checks out. We don't want it known that we're going." She put her hand out. "Thank you. For everything. I don't have much time for the military, you know that. You're the best I've ever met. Don't ever change." McQueen clasped her proffered hand and they shook. Then she stepped forward and surprised him by placing a kiss upon his cheek. "Take care, McQueen."
"Maybe we'll meet again?"
She turned from the door and shook her head. "No. You've been there for us twice now, and we thank you for it. But we won't be back."
McQueen stood looking at the closed door for some time, sensing that her last words were only too true, and that would be the last time he would see her.
"Close the door!" Kitra called, watching Dana roll the last of the supplies in.
"Trouble." Van said under his breath, looking over Kitra's shoulder. She turned her head to see the 58th arriving at a run.
She sighed and glanced back at Van. "Guess we don't get away unscathed." she said and taking a breath turned to face them.
"You've got a bad habit of trying to sneak away." West said sharply. "Isn't our company good enough for you anymore?"
She frowned at him. "What we decide to do is our own business, and certainly none of yours. And we don't fancy staying here any longer. It's already been long enough for us."
"What do you mean?" Damphousse queried, looking hurt.
"We have no intention of staying where we're regarded as freaks."
"You're not..." Vansen began, but Kitra interrupted fiercely. "Don't tell us what we're not! We are freaks! We didn't fit in before. This," and she held up her metallic hand in a fist. "sets us apart even more! We're made up of so many spare parts you can hardly still call us human! And what we've seen and done separates us further! You don't walk through the corridors of this ship and have people press up against the bulkhead to avoid touching you as you pass. You don't have to tolerate the looks of pity, disgust and revulsion. You don't have to sit opposite someone in the mess and watch them turn away to be sick when they take one look at this!" and she pointed to her own ruined face.
"Look, we know you've been through a lot. We understand..." West tried to say, but Kitra interrupted again. "Don't talk to us about understanding what we've been through or what's happened to us! Until you've been to Hell, lived it, survived it and clawed your way back out, you don't have any idea of what it's like! We don't belong here, we don't belong anywhere, except together!"
The 58th looked at Kitra and the three others ranged behind them. Kitra's words had made it much clearer to them and they could look at them now with new eyes. They were right; it wasn't just the prosthetics, Kez's glowing red eye, the scars, that set them apart. They had the same look in their eyes, an aura about them that set them apart from others and bound them to each other. They were right - they only had each other.
"Well, maybe we'll see you around." Wang said.
"No." was Kitra's hard reply. "Twice the Saratoga has found us. There won't be a third time. I can guarantee that."
Kitra jerked her head back and her people silently turned and entered the ship. She stood one moment longer looking at the 58th then turned and left also, and without a backward glance the door swished shut behind her. Silently the 58th vacated the hanger and watched as the Mantis disappeared from sight.
McQueen was in their quarters when they arrived back. He looked at their down-hearted expressions, Hawkes's stunned disbelief.
"You've all got messages on the private band. Go to the communications deck."
Hawkes sat before the console and punched in his code and password to access the message. The screen flickered and then showed Kitra. His hand hovered over the erase button.
"Don't turn me off, Coop. I know that's probably what you want to do. Not that I really blame you. You probably hate me for sneaking off without saying goodbye. Again. Though I somehow expect you'll show up before we go. Just have that feeling." the image shrugged.
"Well, I don't know if you did. Or what I would have said to you. Probably something bad. I really do hate goodbyes. Anyway, I've left messages for you all; West, Vansen, Damphousse and Wang. We all wanted to. We're not leaving because of any of you. We like to think of you all as our friends, but we can't stay here, we just don't belong. It's funny how life turns out, isn't it? Look at the two of us. If only things had been different."
She smiled then. "Who am I kidding? If things were different, if we weren't at war, we would never have even met." She became serious again. "Maybe that would have been better for us both. " She lifted her left hand, the metal one, hesitated a moment and then change to her right and rubbed it across her eyes.
"No, I've never wished that. I'm glad to have met you, to have known you. You're more important to me than anything else. Except my people, and I don't think you'll begrudge me that. But even you can't change the past. Or make me forget. Those memories would have torn us apart sooner or later.
I've left something for you. It's not much, but it's all I have, all I can give you. If you can ever forgive me, I hope you'll keep it to remember me by. And what ever happens, Cooper, remember I do love you. That hasn't changed, nor will it ever change, and it doesn't matter if you're an in vitro or a human, you are still a person. A very special person, and don't let anyone, ever, tell you otherwise. Stay alive, Coop. Stay alive for me."
The message ended and upon its end code, a small drawer opened. Cooper reached his hand inside and withdrew a piece of cloth. Something was wrapped inside. Slowly he unwrapped it, to reveal a ring. A ring that he had seen on Kitra's hand from the time he had known her. A ring that had been given to her by her beloved brother, Bel, many years ago. A ring she had never taken off and it had survived through all she had.
Hawkes held it between his fingers as her voice echoed in his head. "Remember, I do love you." He slipped it onto the small finger of his left hand. It fitted there as though made for him, and he clenched his fingers, feeling the smooth metal.
He would remember.