Author's Note: Ahh, here you are. I'm obsessed with the musical The Last Five Years. I attempted to do what that does here. The Last Five years tells the story of a couple from alternating points of view, with one of them moving backwards through their story and one of them moving forwards. So this begins with Snape's point of view, and switches with each segment. IMPORTANT: Severus is moving backwards through time in their relationship, Remus is moving forwards. At one point their viewpoints meet, hopefully you'll be able to see where that scene is.
Disclaimer: Most of this is JK Rowling's. And inspiration and some song lines are thanks to Jason Robert Brown.
---
Severus hadn't moved from the floor at least an hour. He sat in his dark home, the fire dying, curtains drawn, just staring at the wall. He wondered how it had finally come to this. He didn't deal well with change. He never had. And now, he had to no one to ask but himself. How had it all ended?
Remus was over.
Severus knew that it wasn't entirely his fault, or entirely Remus's. The wine glass he held shook a little and he watched a few drops hit the floor. He leaned back into the wall, closing his eyes for a brief moment. A bony hand came up slowly, passing over heavy-lidded eyes.
Remus was gone.
Severus methodically began stacking up books, out of place. The house felt so empty now. It seemed to be like an empty space, where something had once been. He kept expecting ghosts to appear. And as the fire went out completely, he extinguished the hope of getting Flooed by anyone tonight.
Remus decided it was time to move on.
Severus slowly took off his outer robe, not minding the cold. He hugged himself a bit closer as he sat still for a moment longer, before quietly laying down to sleep right where he was. The vial of Dreamless Sleep next to him was empty.
---
Remus was so happy to be spending another of several nights staying late at Grimmauld Place after the order had left again, that he simply could not contain the big silly grin that seemed to have plastered itself to his face. Slightly drunk of the ale Sirius had given him, he was animated and lively, laughing heartily at everything in between yawns. It was late, as always.
He always liked it when Severus would stay late with him. The potions master had been, to put it nicely, not as insufferable as usual lately, and Remus found himself excited to talk with him. "Too much ale perhaps, Lupin," Severus asked mockingly again, but Remus never took it that way.
"It's good, you should try it," Remus implored him, handing him a glass.
"I don't drink."
Remus shook his head. "I've noticed. And I don't get it. Why not?"
Severus sneered at the drink in Remus's hand before answering. "I find that such an artificial loss of control is not something to be desired."
Remus creased his eyebrows, staring intently at Severus then grinning rather mischieviously. "So you'd rather lose control…non-artificially? From a person, perhaps?"
"I'd rather not at all. But if I had to…I suppose so, yes."
Remus smiled, and he swore that for the first time he saw the corner of Severus's mouth turn up as well, as if he thought of smiling but caught himself just in time. They just sat stock still, each staring into the other's eyes. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was odd. And then something even odder happened.
Severus grasped Remus on the shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow, then. Goodnight."
And the werewolf's smile got even bigger. Yes. Tomorrow.
---
Severus watched numbly as Remus packed up his things. There wasn't much of his left here, of course, much of it had gone out long ago, but there was some. There were clothes, books, old parchments they'd written each other, everything. His hand brushed against the top drawer as he leaned stiffly against his dresser. He'd kept a shirt of Remus's, just for memories, but he wasn't about to let the other man know. And every time Remus's eyes passed that way Severus's hand would tremble just a little.
To Severus, taking everything, quite literally any and everything of Remus's that had entered this house, didn't make sense. He didn't see why the other couldn't leave some of it, just a little. Why he would need their old letters or other things that were completely useless now. Nymphadora wouldn't want them, certainly.
When Remus approached the dresser Severus was leaning on, Severus backed away. He was a coward and he knew it. His eyes grew wide and he gripped the windowsill instead. Remus, of course, found the shirt, and turned soft eyes on to Severus. "You want this?" he nearly whispered.
Severus just nodded mutely.
Remus put it back, closing the drawer as quietly as possible as if not to break the mood. Severus watched him survey the room, making sure every trace of his life was gone from here. He then looked at Severus, and without a word, kissed him on the cheek before walking straight out the door.
Severus sunk to the floor.
---
Their conversations after Order meetings grew longer and less formal with each progressive night. Remus drank less, preferring to be clear-headed when meeting Severus and sensing that the other was more comfortable that way.
It had taken a long time, but Remus supposed they were friends. At least, whatever the equivalent of that was when dealing with a man such as Severus. He had told Severus so much. About Sirius. About wanting to write a book. About guilt he could never get rid of. And Severus opened to him a bit, too.
Sometimes they sat in silence, but that wasn't bad either. Remus enjoyed having someone who would just be there with him, without feeling obligations to explain himself or entertain, or make judgments. They'd reached some kind of unspoken agreement that they were on the same level and that neither of them was in any place to judge the other.
Remus, at least, was very surprised that Severus initiated their first kiss. And he didn't move for a good five minutes afterwards.
"Goodbye, till tomorrow then," Severus said, finally smiling while Remus realized how ridiculously shocked he still looked.
---
"GET OUT," Severus screamed hysterically, not caring who heard.
Another vial slammed into the wall.
"Severus wait – just listen dammit - "
"NO! Go to her. Go. Leave."
Severus had grabbed Remus by the shoulders and was shaking him violently now. "You liar. You disgusting liar! You're a hypocrite, Remus Lupin. Get out of my house."
Severus cringed when he realized Remus was going to obey him. He rarely had before and he hadn't expected it now. But as Remus began to leave he suddenly felt a horrible pain, somewhere in his stomache. He crouched over, dry heaving. So this is how I lose control, he thought.
---
Remus laughed all through moving his things into Severus's house. He was privileged, not many others new of its secretive location, and Dumbledore and Severus both kept it that way on purpose. "Well I suppose the rooms match the man rather nicely," Remus chuckled at him.
Everything here was sparse and void, looking for all the world like it needed to be filled up. Rather like Severus himself, Remus thought.
The process of moving was rather refreshing. It was the beginning of something completely new and promised a clean slate. Remus had found repeatedly in the past that starting completely over was the best way to make himself happy, to fix old problems that otherwise wouldn't go away. There were some things in his past Remus would rather had not happened, many relating to Severus.
There was dust everywhere here. Dust and not a lot of light to see it by. Remus opened up all the windows to let in the sun and promised Severus he was going to decorate this place, whether he liked it or not. Severus sneered and muttered something, at which point Remus kissed him to properly shut him up.
---
Severus watched from far away, not moving in the cool English wind. His hands shuffled nervously in his pockets and his back was awkwardly straight. He knew he shouldn't be here. He wasn't a part of this anymore.
Out the little window he could see Remus and Nymphadora sitting so prettily together, and making quite the beautiful couple indeed. When the girl smiled her eyes would go wide and her arms would open up. That was something Severus knew he could never have provided Remus with. Innocence.
He was supposed to be some kind of hero now. Now that his name had been cleared. But that was the catch. He finally began to wonder why Remus was a hero without the explanations or the excuses. He didn't need any help. People simply loved him. And Severus was jealous.
Severus thought it was time to move. He would go somewhere – anywhere – else. This place seemed to sink in around him and trap him. And if there was one thing he learned from being a Death Eater, it was that he did not do well in confinement.
Severus sighed with bitterness when he saw Nymphadora kiss Remus, thinking of the inevitability of it all.
---
Months seemed to pass quickly for Remus as he found himself grinning brightly like a young schoolboy all over again. Days here were always happy ones.
However, one night Severus came home looking more haggard and frightened than usual. He had apparated some distance away, because, as he had told Remus when he first moved in, no one could apparate in or out of this house. And he had to walk the whole way here, like that, Remus thought worriedly.
Remus was rather good at playing nurse. He sensed Severus had been put under Crucio but the other wasn't telling him anything, just grasping his hands tightly. He gave him potions and cleaned up his wounds, lying back on the couch holding the spy. The scene looked incredibly similar to the way each morning after a full moon would find the pair, except with places reversed.
Severus was sleeping now. He hadn't told Remus anything. And as Remus looked down over the scar-ridden body a shudder passed through him. There was such a sense of power here. Of a force unstoppable if released. And the idea that Severus wouldn't let him in to that part of him scared Remus.
---
Last night Severus had gotten Remus down on the couch and forced the Wolfsbane down his throat just in time. They had both been out late, but neither told the other where.
By dawn, Severus was still awake, guarding over Remus. He didn't know if the other would appreciate it, but he was doing it anyway. The sunrise was slow, and each bit of light revealed a bit more of the naked man on the couch to him. Remus had never stopped being beautiful, no matter how many years or wars passed.
While Severus stood by the window, he remembered when sunlight had first struck this room. He had never opened his windows here while he lived alone. It took Remus to do that. And the man was infectious, for he kept doing it, even now.
Remus was stirring, moaning in his just-waking state. Severus went and crouched before him. "You aren't holding me…you always used to," the man on the couch muttered softly.
Severus just stroked his hair quietly. In a moment Remus woke up fully and the tension in the air poured into them.
---
Remus had barely seen Severus lately. He'd heard from Harry about Occlumency lessons and had tried to defend his lover without giving too much away. He himself had been meeting with the wolves constantly, and seeing Greyback again was taking its toll on him.
He would get notes from Severus a lot. Sorry, unavailable tonight. I will see you tomorrow. – S. They were always sparse and informal, but Remus didn't mind. Severus was always like that when they were not enjoying private moments together.
He would spend another night at Grimmauld Place. Sirius was still there and Tonks would probably come visit.
---
The way he stares has changed, thought Severus.
He hadn't seen Remus in months and now their reunion was more than awkward.
"Do you blame me?" he asked the werewolf bluntly.
"No," came the quick response. "Of course not. It's just that…I don't know, Severus. Things are different now."
Severus nodded, stepping closer and putting a hand on Remus's face. He didn't want
things to be different. He never had. And the way Remus flinched when he touched him scared him. So he kissed him gently, trying to ease away any worry.
Severus felt hands grasping his arms tightly. Remus's. Scarred now, rougher than before. And holding on with a little more than passion. There was something else there.
---
Remus lost himself in Severus's chest. His sobs were uncontrollable now. He'd asked for a potion but Severus said he needed to get it out. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess…a coward. It's just…he's gone," he managed to gasp out.
"You're not a coward," the other answered quietly.
Remus was suddenly kissing Severus frantically. He didn't know why but he knew he needed release, escape. Severus had always been that for him. He got both their clothes off quickly and roughly flipped Severus over, still crying all the time.
When it was over he lay numbly on Severus's back, finally whispering, "Please go. I've got to be alone…"
Severus nodded and pushed himself out from under the other man. Before he was gone Remus heard a low-toned request, "Remus? Will you keep tomorrow night open for me? Please…I…it's important."
---
Severus squeezed Remus's hands tightly, nervously running his hands everywhere – through the werewolf's hair, down his back, up his arms. "Remus, listen…I've…there's something I must do. In the next couple of nights. And you might hate me for it. And God, I am so sorry - in advance. Please know I – it's not my choice. Don't give up on me just yet, please, please."
He was begging now, and he didn't care. "Look, we can make it more official, at least for a minute. I've got you this…" He slipped a ring onto Remus's finger.
---
Remus stared at himself in the mirror, forcing a smile onto his face. He did look good. He knew it. He'd donned his best dress robes and was going to impress Severus all over again.
The last few days had been hard. He'd felt like Sirius's death was his own, and the worst part was, he didn't know how to convey that to Severus. He didn't know how to explain about Sirius without hurting the other man, because he knew how much pain that topic would cause them both.
When he arrived at their house, he thought he knew what might happen, and he prayed that it would.
---
These last few months had taken a lot from Severus. Looking at himself in the mirror, he was disgusted. Just recently he had looked so young. However, with Voldemort growing stronger he had a lot more to worry about. But Remus never minded and so neither did he. He could find a haven here, with Remus.
So many nights were spent by the fire, Remus simply watching him grade essays or work on formulas for new potions. They would read together, promise each other better lives once this was all over.
Remus said at the end of the war they would live together in Paris, going to all those little cafes you could read about and sipping all the fine French wine.
Severus looked up rather suddenly one night. "Are you still going to write that book?"
"No time. A war's about to be on, you know."
Severus shook his head and put down the essay he was holding. He leaned forward confidentially. "After the war though. You told me once that we'll have time, to be what we want. And don't you dare waste it. I rarely envy anyone Remus, but you'll get to be happy, I promise."
---
He knocks on the door almost nervously, clearing his throat a bit and wringing his hands. When the other man opens it, there is a moment of silence as they both just watch each other. The one outside enters without being asked.
They embrace for a moment. They still haven't spoken and normally the silence would be deafening but they already know what would be said.
One of them kisses the other lightly on the neck and asks without pretense, "Will you marry me? One day, when we can?"
And of course the response is whispered, "Yes", ever so softly.
In the wizarding world, gay marriages are not yet fully legal. But they will wait. All that matters for now is that they have promised. After the war, they will have unlimited time.
---
Remus treasured his nights now. He rarely saw Severus in the day, and if he did no good would come of it. If he saw him in the day, he would be with the Death Eaters, for that was where Severus spent all of his time, and Remus worried for him so much.
For him and for himself.
Sometimes he was afraid, but he'd never admit it to Severus. Afraid of their future and what could happen to the both of them later. Severus had said things that frightened him recently. That he might not see him for a long time. That something horrible was about to happen, and that he was to be the center of it. And he had begged. Severus Snape never begged.
So at nights when they sat by the fire and read quietly together, he pretended nothing else existed but this. It was an easy denial to make. But then morning would come and everything would change again.
---
Severus no longer felt so horribly awful about going to Order meetings. Remus had moved in with him recently and neither was so shy about their feelings anymore. In school, he had hated the werewolf. Just last year, actually, he had hated the werewolf. But now, things were easier when Remus was around.
Tonight Dumbledore had pulled Severus aside afterwards and spoken to him in hushed, secretive tones. Sometime, he had said, there would be a terrible, deadly pinnacle to this war, and he needed to know that Severus would do what he asked no matter what. "I need you to be loyal to me Severus, even if that means losing the faith of everyone else here."
Severus nodded. Of course he'd be loyal. He'd still have Remus's faith.
---
Remus just felt numb when he heard the news of Dumbledore's death, and of how it happened. He didn't know what to believe or think and he would shut himself up for days at a time in Grimmauld Place, thinking of Sirius and missing him.
Tonks came to visit a lot. She sat with him and hugged him and promised she wasn't going to leave.
And Remus knew that once again, it was time to move on. He didn't fully blame Severus, and he knew somewhere deep down, this wasn't at all what it appeared to be. But he'd been so afraid for so long, and this feeling of entrapment had been slowly building over the years. So he would do what he always did when something went wrong – he would start over, again.
He couldn't help it when he cried softly on her shoulder.
---
Severus glared suspiciously as Remus started putting paintings up on the walls. "What, exactly, is a picture of a kitten doing in my bedroom?"
"Our bedroom now, Severus. And I like it, that's what."
Severus growled and Remus smiled. Secretly, of course, the potions master liked all of this. His home needed a change and he was ready. He moved to help Remus unpack his clothes, feeling suddenly very shy. This was his life he was sharing, here.
But when he turned towards the dresser a pair of hands came around his sides to hold him, and he knew this was right.
---
"Well…ah, I'm engaged now, you see. Um…officially, I mean," Remus said, eyes fixed on the ground the whole time. He couldn't bear to see the hurt in Severus's.
A low hum was the only response. Then softly, "I saw you, I know."
Yesterday Severus had kicked him out of their old house, he'd been so upset. They'd seen each other a few sparse times recently, but had had no time to talk significantly at all. Remus remembered being promised unlimited time once.
When he'd heard Severus's name had been cleared, he'd been ecstatic. He had jumped up screaming and hugged Tonks with all he could.
But it hadn't taken long for the ecstasy to turn back to melancholy. For reality to set back in. The years had changed him. He hadn't seen Severus in so long, and now, with him back, things were so different. And he knew he could not simply confine himself to the past again. He had Tonks now, he had a new life again. And in this one, he wasn't afraid. He would go to Severus, to their old house one last time. He deserved to be told in person.
He grabbed an old large suitcase, since he knew he'd left some things there a long time ago.
---
Severus waited around at the end of the Order meeting, as usual. He was anxious this time without fully comprehending why. But he knew that he was shivering slightly, something highly unusual for a normally proud man.
He sat with Remus for hours. They talked of everything. And Severus took off the figurative mask he'd worn for years at last. He confessed to seriously despising Remus and his friends at school. He confessed to being afraid of him. He confessed to being insanely jealous of him. And now, he confessed that he was only truly comfortable with him around. The last part was said without words.
Instead, he kissed the werewolf, an act which surprised even himself. But when they were done he knew he was smiling, something he hadn't done in years, if ever. Just to see the look on Remus's face was enough. He rose slowly, awkwardly and not knowing what to do for the moment.
But he gave a kind of lopsided grin, saying, "Goodbye, till tomorrow then."
---
Remus let himself in without knocking, fingers ghosting over the ring he still wore. "Goodbye, Severus."