Chapter 13 – Sweetest Sin

The firefighters were finally able to stop the fire and clean up the mess on the bridge. They took the remains of the car to the corner's office in order to find out who the car belonged to and who was driving it. The accident was on the news but they didn't have any sold information on the driver or any passengers.


Back In Canada

The next day Tommy was still asleep when his phone rang. He climbed out of bed still half asleep, hit the nightstand, cursed in pain and finally managed to answer.

Tommy: "Hello?"
Georgia: "Tommy, its Georgia. I need you to come to the studio. I have something to show you."
Tommy: "Now? I was still sleeping. Can't it wait?" he complaint still eyes closed.
Georgia: "No it can't. It's about Jude."
Tommy: "Jude? I'll be right there." his eyes flung open as soon as he heard her name.

Before Georgia could respond the line was already dead. Tommy jumped in a quick shower, got dressed, fixed his hair and left. A large espresso and 20 minutes later he arrived at G Major.

Georgia picked up a magazine and handed it to Tommy. He read the headline "Jude Harrison's little secret exposed." he looked up at Georgia in confusion. The woman remained expressionless. Many years in this business and you learn how to hide your feelings. He flipped the page and inside was an interview with Mark Cullman. Tommy skimmed through it.
"Jude didn't know anything about it."
"She was so happy and couldn't wait to tell Tommy and her family."
"The tragic accident that ended it all."
"She never really said what had happened."
"Unfortunately she lost the baby." Tommy froze. He couldn't believe what he just read. He read it over and over again. Hoping, wishing he had misread it. What baby? Jude was pregnant? It couldn't be true. She would have told him. Who's the father?

Tommy: "Georgia……." he was speechless.
Georgia: "Did you know anything about this? Is there any truth to it?" she inquired clearly not noticing Tommy's distressed face.
Tommy: "NO, I don't know. Jude never said anything. Do you really think she would have kept something like this to herself?" he asked surprised that Georgia was actually believing this.
Georgia: "No, I don't. Tommy turn to the next page. It gets worse."
Tommy braced himself for what was coming next. He inhaled deeply and did just what she had told him. The next page contained ultrasound pictures. Once again Tommy was at a loss for words.

Tommy: "These could have been falsified, right?" he asked hoping.
Georgia: "Yeah, its possible. But why would a respected doctor falsify information? It would ruin his reputation." Once again Georgia had all corners covered. She was a smart woman. She knew which questions to ask. Too bad no one had solid answers.
Tommy: "Attention, money, fame…….the list goes on." he tried to reason. Tired to convince himself more than Georgia but desperately failed.

Georgia got out of her office chair and walked over to a cabinet. She took out a rather large, yellow envelope and handed it to Tommy. He took a look at it.
Tommy: "What is this?" he asked seeing his name on it in Jude's handwriting.
Georgia: "Jude left it with me for you. I think you should open it. Maybe she said something in there. A clue to this whole mess."
Tommy: "You don't seriously think there is any truth to this? I mean Jude would have never kept this from me. This guy is just trying to get attention. Besides, who would be the father?"
Georgia stopped everything she was doing and turned to stare Tommy down. Her eyes narrowed a little as she focused on him.
Georgia: "YOU would be the father. I am praying, for you're sake, that this all is just a rumor."
Her words hit him like a ton of bricks. He would have been a father. He looked down at the envelope again, pushed Georgia's words out of his head and turned to look at her again.

Tommy: "Wait. Why didn't you give this to me sooner?"
Georgia: "Because she specifically told me to give it to you a week after she left."
Tommy: "What is it?"
Georgia: "Beats me. Open it and find out."
Tommy: "Have you heard from her?"
Georgia's face softened: "No, give her time. She needs to think and figure things out for herself." Tommy gave the woman a weak smile and nodded in approval.
Georgia: "By the way. You know Jude had left 2 songs with me. One is already out. The other one I just dropped off this morning, it should be on radios soon."
Tommy: "Why didn't you let me hear it?" his face relaxed a little. Jude's music always made him feel better. Even if it was depressing, her voice made him stronger. He needed strength right now. He needed her right now.
Georgia: "It's not that big of a deal. They are both amazing songs."
Tommy: "She is amazing." Georgia laid her hand over Tommy's for comfort. It broke her heart to see him hurting.

10 minutes later Tommy walked inside Studio A and collapsed on a chair. He opened the envelope and turned it upside down. Two things dropped out. The necklace Tommy had given Jude for her 18th birthday and the engagement ring. Tommy's heart almost stopped. The only hope that him and Jude would get back together was that she had still been wearing the ring and now it was here, in his hand. The hope was gone. He looked inside the envelope and found a letter. He took it out and began to read as a huge lump formed in his throat.

"Tommy,

I sit here in this God-forsaken place and try to think of the perfect words to say to you. The harder I try the more I realize there are no perfect words. Nothing is perfect any more. What I thought once was I don't think is any more. I don't know where life will take me or you, all I know is that I don't want it to be anywhere near you, right now. You think I got over it? I didn't. You thought I was angry? Furious comes to mind but that doesn't even begin to explain the way I feel. The way you MADE me feel. I know I didn't really show it, I learned with time to hide my emotions mainly from the press. Guess everything comes in handy once in a while.

Do you know how it felt to see those pictures? To see the person you love more than anything in this world kissing someone else? It felt like someone dug they're hand into my chest and ripped my heart out after I've given you all of me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't say anything but for some reason I couldn't look away either. That image will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Do you wonder where I'm at? Don't bother looking for me. You won't find me because I don't want to be found. Do you lay at night thinking of me like I do thinking of you? Do you ever wonder if I'm Ok? If you might run into me the next day? Do you wonder if I'm even still alive? I never wanted for things to end this way but I couldn't face you any longer. It was my time to leave.

I trusted you. I loved you. What did you do? You tore at me over and over again. You threw me away after you were done with me. I thought you were better than that. Tommy I am done being your puppet.

Why am I writing this letter? I have no idea. Maybe because I have to get this all out. I needed you to know how I felt. How I still feel. How I will probably feel for the rest of my life. Betrayed, angry, hurt, lost but mostly alone, all alone.

As you can see I returned the necklace and ring. There is no engagement, the wedding will never happen because there is no US anymore. There will never be again. Since I was away for months you probably know that already. The necklace? Remember what it said? "I will always love you, Tommy". I guess that 'always' didn't last for too long. I should have known better than to think you changed. I seriously thought you could only be with me. I believed in you. How dumb was I to think our love would stand the test of time? God, that line sounded so cheesy. Maybe that ring will look better on Chris.

You know what's funny? How after all this, after everything you did to me, I still don't hate you. For some reason I still want you to be happy, even if its not with me. Maybe Chris can do what I could never manage. Maybe someday I will find it in my heart to forgive you but Tommy, I will never forget.

God, Tommy don't I deserve to be happy? How did this happen? I resent the day I met you. I never thought I would but I do. I wish I never won that stupid contest. I wish you never stepped into my life. I wish I never fell for you. But I don't regret getting pregnant. Our innocent son wasn't at fault.

Yes Tommy, I was bearing your child. I found out after a check-up at the doctor, in New York. I hadn't been feeling too good. I couldn't wait to tell you. I was so happy. Never did I think all that would soon be shattered around me. I was packing to come home and surprise you in person when I saw the newspaper and the pictures. Part of me is writing this because I thought you deserved to know you were going to be a father. I know it's not fair telling you through a letter but I have no other choice. I don't have to be fair any more. You weren't being fair when you decided to kiss Chris. I couldn't look you in the eyes and tell you. This will come out sooner or later. Dr. Cullman has been threatening to go public with it. I had a miscarriage. And you know what else? I blame you for it. There I said it. The only sign of love I had left from you, and I couldn't even hold on to that.

After you read this letter I will be gone for good. Please understand why I had to leave, my heart needs to heal. I need to heal. I am not coming back. I can't forgive you for what you put me through, I'm not even sure that it's my forgives you want, but I can wish you and Chris the best. As much as I want to hate her I can't. It's not her fault she fell for you just like it's not mine that I did the same. Hopefully you will learn from your mistakes and hold on to her.

I am beginning to realize that you and I were never meant to be. I am giving up hope. As much as I want to hate you a part of me still loves you. I still carry our memories in my heart. I still carry YOU in my heart.

Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with a goodbye.

Take care of yourself,
Jude"

The letter fell out of Tommy's hand. He was trembling. His eyes were burning. His legs gave out. His heart was breaking. He was overcome with sudden sweat and chills. It seemed as if the room turned dark. The walls caved in on him. The tiny room was getting even smaller. The realization of the truth hit him like a bullet. Catching his breath, he jumped to his feet and started throwing things around the studio. First a chair, than two. Then he picked up the table and threw it against the glass that overlooked the recording booth. The table bounced back falling to the ground and breaking, leaving a crack in the sound booth glass. He was grunting in rage as Kwest ran inside. Seeing what Tommy was doing astonished him. He had never seen his friend like this.

Kwest: "What the hell are you doing?" he yelled looking at the mess. Tommy looked at Kwest, picked up one of the chairs again and threw it against the glass again. This time it shattered into a million pieces. Kwest covered his head with his arms trying to escape the sharp and pointy objects. Georgia ran inside after she heard the commotion.

Georgia: "HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND?" she screamed. Tommy didn't care. He punched the nearest wall so hard his fist went right through it. Blood from his knuckled started to slowly pour but he didn't feel any pain. It gave him satisfaction.
Georgia: "What the hell are you thinking?" Tommy didn't hear a word. All he heard was Jude's voice. Her pain. 'I blame you' she had said. And she was right. He was to blame. He killed his own child.

Kwest ran up behind Tommy and grabbed his arms. He threw him down on the hard studio floor.
Kwest: "Calm down man. What is wrong with you?" he tried to reason.

Georgia stepped closer and noticed something under her shoe. She picked up the piece of paper. Tommy pushed Kwest off him in rage and jumped to his feet. He grabbed the ring and necklace that were on the floor, and took one last look at Kwest and Georgia before he stormed out to the only place he knew would offer comfort in a time like this.

Georgia read the letter. Firm she stood her ground even though her knees were wobbly. Kwest looked at her puzzled. She stared around the studio and at the mess Tommy had made. Kwest snatched the piece of paper from her and read it. They looked at each other in amazement. Georgia couldn't stand being strong any longer and broke into sobs. Not so much for Tommy but for Jude. She threw herself into Kwest's arms. How did things get so mad in such a short amount of time?

All this time Jude had been like a daughter to her. Even more than that, Tommy had been like a son to her. She loved those two kids more than anything. Even more than the industry. All this time Jude was going through this all alone. She was pregnant and no one knew. They should have known. They should have figured things out. Why didn't they go to New York when she told them she was sick? Why didn't they go after her when she wanted the tour scheduled from New York without even returning home first? They should have known something was wrong. She had just found out about Chris and Tommy. They should have known better. Something was going on and no one cared to find out. If Georgia felt so bad there was no way of describing how Jude must have felt. It didn't help that she had no one to lean on.


Back To Tommy

Tommy drove like a maniac. The meter read 135 mph. He didn't care what happened to him. The anger was still there. Even worse, the guilt. He thought of Jude. He couldn't go over to her house and talk things out. He couldn't comfort her. She was gone. It all made sense now. The magazine article, the songs. Misery…….'Look around you now cuz Misery is gone'. And then there was the other song. He knew now who it was for. Jude had written the song for they're son. Why couldn't he have figured this out sooner? He remembered the lyrics, they just wouldn't leave his head. They played over and over again, each time piercing him deeper 'You were my first, made of my skin, You brought me back from where I've been, A hell of my own I was so depressed, You gave me a chance to clean up this mess. You were my hope, you shone through, The tunnel of darkness that surrounded me and you.' she had sung. They're first son. The darkness she talked about was the same darkness he was surrounded by now. Darkness and Hell that he had caused.

No wonder Jude would never forgive him. He thought it was just a stupid mistake and wondered why Jude couldn't just forgive him for it. He should have known her better. He couldn't even forgive himself so how the hell was she suppose to? She, who felt they're son grow inside of her! For a few precious weeks, he had been a part of her. Thinking and dwelling on past mistakes didn't last long. The radio, once again, caught his attention.

DJ: "………Jude again. This girl has been burning the charts. We have another new single. This one is called 'Sweetest Sin'. Anyone else think these songs were aimed at Little Tommy Q? So let's hear what she has to say this time."

Tommy stepped even harder on the gas pedal when he heard her name. He screamed in agony. Then before the song started he switched from gas to break and slowly came to a complete stop on the highway. He was exhausted from yelling, throwing things around and crying. The music began…….

"Like a kite you raised me to the sky,
Lifted me up, oh so high.
Let me feel the breeze on my skin,
Than let me crash, oh you've become my sweetest sin.
You messed me up all around,
In my own tears I was drowned. (Oooooooo)

Sorrow, grief, misery and pain,
Can't take no more, I'm breaking the chain.
On the ground broken by fear,
Of not having you anywhere near. (babyyyyyyy)
First it burned then it stung,
Why wouldn't it? I thought you were the one. (oh my only one)
No more lies, secrets and tears,
No more you in my upcoming years.

I climbed higher and higher all the way to top,
You let me raise than made me stop.
You let me fall from high to low,
Its time you leave so I can grow.
You'd push me down then pull me back up,
Broke me, fixed me and then I'd drop.

Your kiss of death was my temptation,
My sweetest sin without explanation,
So I'm giving you this dedication,
For you have been my inspiration,
Loved you without hesitation,
Thought we'd have a next generation,
Until I saw the new information,
And I turned to desperation,
But now I am going through a transformation,
Leaving you behind without an expectation. (O o o o o)

Sorrow, grief, misery and pain,
Can't take no more, I'm breaking the chain.
On the ground broken by fear,
Of not having you anywhere near.
First it burned then it stung,
Why wouldn't it? I thought you were the one.
No more lies, secrets and tears,
No more you in my upcoming years.

No more u…..ooooooooooo
On my won, I will make it through……oooooooooooo"

He turned the radio off and hit the wheel with both hands in frustration. Once again this song was for him. This time he really did screw things up beyond repair. Angry and wanting to forget everything again he drove off. 10 minutes later he arrived at his final destination. The bar.

Back In Hawaii

2 days later, the corner guys arrived at the police station. They had a match. Single filling one by one in the presentation room Inspector Smith spread out photographs of the burned up car. Everyone sat silently looking at the pictures. He walked in front of everyone and began…………..

Smith: "After inspecting the wreck and running various tests we have found a match. The car was a rental. Now we have a problem, it was registered to Jude Harrison."
The room erupted in whispers. A man interrupted…"Jude Harrison, the 20-year-old rock star?"
Smith nodded: "The one and only."
The man rose to his feet: "Do we have a body?"
Smith pointed with a skinny stick to one of the pictures: "In this type of explosion, we never do. The body would have been burned beyond recognition. Its like being cremated. Nothing remains."

A woman raised her voice this time: "How do we go about telling the public that Jude Harrison is dead?"
Smith: "I've called for a press conference. I think that we should contact her family first before we go public. Joan, I am putting you in charge of that." he handed her a manila folder with contact information, the woman frowned and stepped outside the room. "The rest of you please keep this under wraps until it goes public." He turned the projector off and exited the room.

Joan went to a private corner and reached for the receiver. Then dialed the unfamiliar numbers. A woman picked up.
Joan: "This is Joan Freed. Is this the Harrison residence?"
Victoria sat down in a chair and answered politely: "Yes, this is. How can I help you."
Joan: "I work for the local police in Hawaii. This isn't easy to say but your daughter Jude was in a car accident 2 days ago."
Victoria's heart began to race. Her throat was closing in on her: "Is she alright?" was all she managed to say. The woman on the other line was silent. She let out a little cough.
Joan: "I am sorry Mrs. Harrison, Jude didn't make it."

The receiver fell out of Victoria's hand. She looked straight ahead. Tears welled up in her eyes. Nick walked towards her and knew something was wrong when he came closer.
Nick: "What is it? Who was that?" he asked concerned.
Victoria: "Jude……" she tried choking out the words but none came. The woman broke down. It wasn't suppose to happen like this. She wasn't suppose to bury one of her children. She was suppose to go first. Nothing had prepared her for this. Nick tried picking her up but she fought back yelling and grunting in pain.
Nick: "Is Jude alright? SAY SOMETHING!" he yelled. Over the course of last year he had grown closer to Sadie and Jude. They were like his own. He loved them as if he had been they're dad. Victoria looked up at Nick. She knew this would hurt him just as much as her.

Victoria: "Jude is dead." she let out sobbing and shaking. As soon as the words left her mouth she threw her hands over it. The words hit her so hard. Her youngest daughter was gone. Nick stared at her expressionless. He didn't believe her. This couldn't be true. He was in denial.

Back In Hawaii

Smith entered a crammed room full of eager reporters, flashing cameras and questions. He walked up to the podium, manila folder at hand and was attacked by flashes. Adjusting the microphone he spoke.
Smith: "Ladies and Gentleman, can I please have your attention?"
The room went silent. A pin dropping could have been heard. Smith broke the awkward silence.

Smith: "I know you all curious as to why you are here. If you remember 2 days ago there was an accident on the Northern bridge. There were no survivors. After careful investigation, we have figured out who the car was registered to. Jude Harrison."
The room once more broke out into flashes and the reporters broke out into questions all at the same time.

Smith: "One at a time, please." he pointed to a short man in the front row.
Man: "Are you talking about Jude Harrison the Instant Star winner of 5 years ago?"
Smith: "Yes."
Man: "You are telling us that Jude Harrison is dead?"
Smith: "Yes. Unfortunately." he said sympathetic and reached for his tie.

The room again broke out into shrill questions. This time Smith ignored it and spoke over them.
Smith: "The explosion caused Jude's dead. Time of death was July 11, 2005 at 4:32 PM. Her family has been informed. I ask you to please respect they're mourning period and not bombard them with questions. This is a very hard time for the Harrison family. That's all. Thank you!" he closed the manila folder and stepped down from the podium, exiting the excited and loud room.

Tommy drank his sorrow away. Jude soon became just a distant memory in his head. Once the bar closed he drove to a convenient store and bought more liquor. He was lucky that he wasn't stopped by cops. His license could have been confiscated for drunk driving. Finally arriving at his place he barely managed to walk to the elevator. It was around 3:45 AM when he finally fell asleep, drunk, tired, alone and heartbroken. He had no idea the worst was yet to come.

The next day Victoria Harrison made a few phone calls and invited some close people to the Harrison home to share the news. Around noon everyone had arrived. In the living room sat Georgia, Sadie, Jason, Kat, Jamie, Stuart, Ivette, Nick, Kwest and Andy. Victoria's eyes were red from crying the night through. They had asked her what was wrong but she couldn't manage to repeat the news over and over again, so she decided to tell them all together. Once was enough. They all had tried reaching Tommy but he didn't answer his phone. Kwest had stopped by his place but no one opened the door.

Victoria sat down next to Nick. He took her hand in his, his eyes just as red as hers. She blew her nose and everyone knew that it had to be something serious.

Victoria: "Yesterday night I got a phone call." more tears streamed down her already pale face. Nick handed her a tissue and squeezed her hand. She went on "They told me……." she broke down. Nick held her in his arms. She couldn't bring herself to say it. She was trembling and couldn't control her tears from falling.
Nick: "The police called. They said that Jude was in a car accident 3 days ago." everyone looked at each other they're eyes filled with worry.
Sadie: "3 days ago? Why didn't they call sooner? Is she Ok?" she jumped to her feet knowing her mom wouldn't be acting the way she was if it wasn't something serious.
Nick waved his head and closed his eyes not being able to look at them: "Sadie, she didn't make it."
Jamie: "What do you mean she didn't make it?" Kat reached for his hand.
Nick opened his eyes: "She died, Jamie."

Jamie squeezed Kat's hand. Tears formed in her eyes. Jamie turned towards his wife and embraced her. Andy took a hold of Georgia who was at a full break down already. Sadie paced up and down the room in denial. Jason walked over to her trying to comfort her but all she kept on saying was "No, they're lying. Jude is Ok. This is all a joke."

Finally her dad stood up and embraced her. She didn't cry she just let him hold her. Stuart broke out into sobs. He held on to Sadie as if it was the last time. Ivette remained seated, tears in her eyes. Everyone looked at the father-daughter moment.

Kwest remained seated. He looked around at all the woman crying in they're men's arms. The lump in his heart became heavier when he thought of Tommy. He knew that he was the one who had to tell him. Who would be there to comfort him? How do you tell your best friend that the woman you love more than anything in this world is gone? Even though Kwest heard this first hand he still didn't believe it. He still thought that Jude would walk in through that door as happy as ever. She'd spread the love and joy around this room. Reality soon kicked in when Sadie let out a scream and threw a photo frame at the nearest wall. The glass shattered. She was close to a nervous break down.

Kwest stood in front of Tommy's apartment door. He knew Tommy was home because he checked the garage for his car first. He had picked up his hand to knock at least 5 times before but always backed down. He rubbed his temples and found the courage to finally knock. No answer. Then knocked again, louder this time. Tommy yelled from the other side of the door "GO AWAY". Kwest was quiet for a minute almost taking Tommy's advice but decided against it and yelled "Tommy, it's Kwest. I need to tell you something."

Tommy: "GO AWAY. I don't want to hear it." he yelled.
Kwest: "Tommy, it's about Jude." her image popped in front of his eyes. She was smiling with a guitar in her hand. He shook his head to get that picture out of his memory.

There was no answer. Kwest turned around to leave when the door cracked open. He walked through it. It smelled like someone had died inside. There was no fresh air and it reeked of beer. When he took a few steps further in there were beer cans all over the floor. All empty. Tommy stood by the counter in his jeans. His hair was messy and his blue eyes were bloodshot. For a second Kwest actually thought Tommy already knew what had happened to Jude.

Kwest: "What happened to you man?"
Tommy scoffed: "Nothing, had a rough night."
Kwest: "Right!"
He sat down on one of the stools next to Tommy and raised his hands to his face.
Tommy: "What was it you had to tell me about Jude?"
Kwest rubbed his eyes not knowing how to approach the subject.
Kwest: "Look man, this is not easy to tell you." he stopped.
Tommy: "Just say it. It couldn't get any worse. I mean she already left me. She was pregnant and I killed our son. How BAD can this be?" he asked sarcastic rubbing his eyes and laughed at himself.
Kwest remained quiet. It could get a lot worse and it did.
Kwest: "I can't so this. Call Georgia." he jumped off the stool and in a hurry made his way to the door. Tommy ran after him and stopped him.
Tommy: "Oh no you don't. Tell me. NOW. What's going on? KWEST?" he knew it had to be something serious. Kwest wouldn't never act this way.

Kwest looked at his friend. He knew Tommy would take it better coming from him: "Jude was in an accident." he slowly let out not facing Tommy.
Tommy's eyes widened: "Is she Ok? Where is she?"
Kwest shook his head: "I'm sorry man."
Tommy: "Sorry? Sorry for what? What's going on?" Tommy knew what Kwest was sorry for. He just couldn't admit to it.
Kwest: "She is gone."
Tommy: "GONE?" he yelled.
Kwest: "Tommy, Jude is dead."

Tommy fell to the ground as soon as those words left Kwest's mouth. Kwest tried picking him up but Tommy wouldn't be helped. "YOUR LYING" he yelled. Kwest shook his head once more. Tommy broke down. He tried getting up but his knees gave up on him. Tears just streamed down one by one. There seemed to be no end in sight. Kwest sat with him, trying to comfort his best friend but it was no help. Tommy picked up a beer can that was on the floor next to him and threw it with all his might. "No, No." he yelled. His lips trembled. He was weak.

Hours and hours later Tommy finally let Kwest explain what had happened. He listened attentively but the pain was almost too much to take. He reached out for a picture of Jude and held onto it. Looking at her smiling only made things worse. He soon realized that he would never again see that smile. It was hard to breath. It was as if something was squeezing his heart. The space around him became smaller. He felt so worthless and alone.

The cloud over his head would never find its silver lining now. His mouth was dry. His throat had a huge lump in it. His heart was shattered beyond recognition. The tears slowly stopped. There were no more left to cry. He was weak. His chest hurt. He could barely see. His eyes were red and puffy. He couldn't say a word. To top it all off he had a hangover from last night accompanied by a huge headache.

Tommy finally found the strength and stood up. He picked up his phone and dialed Jude's number. The operator picked up "The number you have called is unavailable" he hung up and tired this 7 more times. Kwest walked over to the TV and turned it on. The news was on.

Reporter: "An accident was all it took. The life of what has come to be a music icon Jude Harrison was taken by a tragic car explosion. The body was burned beyond recognition." Kwest quickly turned the TV off but Tommy ran to him, grabbed the remote and turned it back on…..
Reporter: "Sources say that Jude's publicist will be taking care of all funeral arrangements. Another source informed us that Jude only wanted to get away from her drama filled life for a week. After her recent break-up with heart-throb Tommy Quincy and her miscarriage it is certainly understandable. Jude Harrison died at the age of 20. Friends and family will gather in two days for the farewell service. No word yet, on if this event will be open to the public or only a small private ceremony."

Tommy turned the TV off. Kwest looked at him. He wanted to say something but he didn't know what. Finally around 9:00 PM Kwest decided to go home and tell Amy about Jude. Tommy closed the door after his friend and collapsed. He cried and cried. He threw things around. He hit things, mainly walls. He broke his plasma TV by throwing Jude's CD plaque at it. Sorrow, pain, misery all crawled up on him. He just couldn't shake the pain and loneliness he felt. Tommy grabbed his wallet and keys and made his way to the bar. Once again drinking is sorrow away.

Georgia had called a meeting at G Major to inform everyone of Jude's death. The crowd had loved her and mourned her death. Some broke out in tears. Others kept they're pain hidden. EJ, out of all the G Major employees (except Kwest and Tommy) took it the hardest. She called Victoria right away and asked her if she could take care of the funeral arrangements. She let herself be consumed with work. That was her way of dealing. Tommy's was drinking. Georgia's was crying, Victoria's was cleaning, and Sadie on the other hand wasn't dealing at all. She denied it. She just couldn't accept that her sister was really gone.

Back In Hawaii

"Dear Dairy,

I can't believe I actually went through it with. I faked my own death.

No one knows that I am still alive. When I hit that fence and was catapulted out of the car and into the water I wanted to scream for help but once I hit the water this sudden impulse took over. I heard the explosion on the bridge and all I could think of was that I could start over. For the first time, in a long time, I saw a way out. Not as Jude Harrison but as someone completely new. I remained in the water, under the bridge, until all the fire trucks, reporters and people cleared out. Here I am a car accident, a bleeding head, and a mild concision later and I've never felt better. Who would have thought?

I came here thinking I would just disappear into nothingness. Clear my head of all the bad things that have happened. I died instead. I'm not really dead but to the outside world I am. Didn't work out quiet the way I imagined but here I am none the less.

In the end its just you and me again, Dairy. I know my family will be Ok. I miss them already. What am I going to do without Mom, Sadie and Dad? They've always been there for me. I know I am being selfish right now but I need this for me. For the first time in my life I am thinking about myself. I am putting myself first. They're financially set, not that that matters much now. Ok, they'll grieve for a while and it'll take some getting used to not just for them but for me too but this is my shot. A shot at a new beginning. Maybe even a shot at happiness again. I'd give anything to be happy again.

I am so sick of being broken. I can't take all this crying any more. I can't deal with the world anymore. I am not the same strong Jude I used to be. I will never be again. Most of the days I feel like just curling up in a corner somewhere and not coming out for the rest of the day. I am so sick of that feeling. I want to feel like me again.

What about Tommy? I miss him so much but this is for the better. Tommy can finally find out who he really is, without me. He can be happy. That's all I want for him. We went through too much together to be able to come out of it Ok. I know it's going to be hard for me but its my only option right now. I have to find out what life without Quincy is like and he has to do the same. If we're meant to be than someday we will be. I truly believe that in my heart. I will always love him.

Maybe someday I can show myself again. Maybe I'll heal and find the strength in my heart to forgive Tommy. And then maybe everyone else can forgive me for what I just did. Someday, maybe!

Right now, I'll start a new life for myself. Take up a new identity and let Jude Harrison rest in peace, for the time being.

Jude

Not Jude. Scratch that!

How about, Jean? No. Jessie? No. Jade? Yes, I like it.

Jade it is.

Back in Canada

The Church hall was filled with people. Victoria Harrison and Nick sat in the front row. Victoria was softly crying in her handkerchief. Sadie sat with Jason, staring straight head, expressionless. Her face was pale and her hair up in a pony tail. She never looked worse. While everyone had cried she had stayed strong, mostly for her mother and daughter. When she had explained what had happened with aunt Jude to Adriana she broke down, right after. Tears just kept flowing. She had fallen asleep in her husband's arms. She had cried herself to sleep. Cried herself to the truth. It hit her for the first time that Jude, her baby sister, was really not coming back. Kwest held on to Amy in the second row. Georgia and Andy sat next to them. Both woman were crying in pain. Stuart and Ivette sat next to Victoria and Nick. Stuart just looked straight ahead, at Jude's picture. He had cried his pain away for the last two days. It didn't get any easier. He had no tears to cry any more but the pain remained.

EJ was running around like always, making sure everything was perfect for the final goodbye. She let work consume her, it was easier than having to deal with reality. Maury and Fabricio sat a few rows back. When they had received the phone call from Kat Fabricio threw a fit. He stormed out and was missing for the rest of the day. Both men loved Jude like they're own. This was the hardest thing they ever had to go through. Although they constantly fought and argued, it was times like these that made them realize how fortunate they were to have each other. Jamie and Kat sat next to Sadie and Jason. Shay sat with Johnny J. Tommy wasn't there. No one really expected him to show up anyways.

Jude was smiling her innocent smile on a framed picture up front. White orchids in every corner accompanied by sadness. People dressed in black, sitting is rows facing the podium and picture. Sobs throughout the huge and packed room. Kwest couldn't help but think that this would not have been what Jude had wanted. She wouldn't want everyone dressed in dark colors and crying over her. She'd rather have people celebrate her life.

One camera was set up in the back of the room. Victoria had decided that the public had cared for her daughter deeply and they had a right to pay they're respects. Outside, on the stairs, were flowers in all colors, pictures of Jude and fans crying. They sat there the whole day saying goodbye to they're idol, singing Jude's songs and lighting candles in her honor. Whether Jude knew it or not, she had made a huge impact on her fans and she will continue to do so through her music.

A couple of minutes later Shay rose from his seat and walked to the front of the room. He approached the podium and faced the saddened people. He looked around the room and began……

Shay: "Many, outside of these walls, will remember Jude as a young woman who rocked they're world with her music and passion for life. We, here inside these walls, will remember her as so much more………..It's not easy standing here." he stopped and looked down. Tears welled up in his eyes but he contained them and looked back up.

"I haven't slept in two days. I lay at night thinking of what I could possible say here to all of you, when in truth, there are no words. No words that can take away this feeling of emptiness that only Jude could fill in all our hearts. There are no words that can bring her back." he simply stated. After a minute he finally went on. The room was silent.

"When I think of Jude Harrison I think of the most amazing person I've ever met. When she just walked into a room, weather a cloudy or sunny day, she brought light with her. Her smile could just melt anyone's pain away. She had this gentleness about her that made her not only an amazing friend but an amazing sister and daughter." Sadie reached for Jason's hand and held it tight. Shay looked from Victoria to Stuart and then to Sadie.

"She never questioned or judged, no matter who you were. I remember when I first met her. Everyone bowed to me because I was this big star but she, she was different. She let me have it in the worst way possible. She said my new music sucked." he stopped and laughed at himself remembering that day like it was yesterday "And she was right, it did. She knew music better than most. She opened a new door for me, she opened my eyes. Jude never turn her back on any of us. Her love for music and life brought me back from my darkest hours. Her continues passion and understanding is what is keeping me going, even after death." there was another pause

"I don't like to think of Jude as being completely gone. I think God had a bigger purpose for her. He was missing an Angel and Jude was just that. As much as we miss her I know she is in a better place, looking down at us and smiling." he turned to Jude's picture and closed his eyes in pain. The whole room looked at the picture and let they're shrill sobs be heard. Kat, Georgia and Victoria never even stopped crying. For the first time since she had found out Jude was dead, EJ let her tears flow. She stood in the back of the hall and just cried, leaning against the wall for support. Shay let his tears escape too. He couldn't hold them back any longer. Finally he went on…..

"Her smile will live in my heart forever, just like she will." he placed his hand over his heart and turned to the room again. "Truth is, it doesn't matter that she is not here where we can see her, I can feel her presence. Jude will always be with us. She will live through us and through her music. Her voice will always be heard and her smile and love always remembered." he stopped started to walk off but than walked back and added "Jude Harrison was larger than life."

He couldn't face the people any longer. He stepped down and found his seat again. Everyone gave him sympathetic looks and approving nods. Stuart shook his hand as a respect gesture.

Johnny J stood up now and walked to a stool that had been placed near the picture.

Johnny: "What better way to say goodbye to a musician than through a song? Shay wrote this one." he said, raised his head slightly up to the ceiling and added "This one is for you, kid." he reached out for the guitar that was by the stool and took his seat. The room turned to him attentively.

Johnny's fingers lightly brushed the cords…he looked down on the hardwood floor…..his soft voice soon joined in…….

"It's windy outside, the leaves are falling,

I'm crying inside, your name I'm calling.

No warning, no sign that soon you'd be gone,

The fires burned out that once brightly shone.

A black cloud follows over my head,

I can't comprehend that you're really dead."

Stuart grabbed Victoria's hand. She squeezed it in return still looking ahead and listening to the lyrics. Johnny went on……

"I hear them say, 'ashes to ashes………..dust to dust'

You were always there, never betrayed my trust.

A father's scream, a mother's cry,

This can't be happening, it's all a lie.

You can't be gone, its not true,

Please come back, I need you."

"I'll always remember when they called me up,

telling me you were no more, my heart almost stopped.

You were everything and more in my heart,

We are crying out for you as we fall apart.

Look down at us and hear our pain,

Please come back and keep us sane."

Victoria let out a cry. She threw her hand over her mouth and launched herself in Stuart's arms. He was the only person who could possibly even try to understand what she was going through. Jude had been his daughter just like she had been hers. Never did anyone's lyrics sound more true. Shay had hit every feeling there possible was to capture in this moment.

"I hear them say, 'ashes to ashes………..dust to dust'

You were always there, never betrayed my trust.

A father's scream, a mother's cry,

This can't be happening, it's all a lie.

You can't be gone, its not true,

Please come back, I need you."

Kat buried her head in Jamie's lap. He held on to her trying to comfort her but he knew better. He knew nothing could fix this. Nothing short of a miracle.

"Red hair, deep blue eyes,

Sweet laughter I hear, please no more goodbyes.

I picture the guitar in the corner right at your hand,

My knees give out and I can't stand.

You reaching out for someone's hand,

No one there to help you stand.

I go on knowing someday soon I'll see your face,

Maybe not here but in a better place.

The sound of your voice, the feel of your touch,

We all miss you, just know this much.

You were pure, honest and real,

Selfless and deserving you always helped me heal.

First my co-worker lover and friend,

You became so much more, to me you were heaven-send."

Sadie jumped up and ran for the door. Jason ran after her. She flung the doors open, held her arms to her chest and tried to breath. Jason ran to her side and tried to straighten her out. She puffed trying to regain composure. The people outside watched her sympathetically. Sadie looked at all the flowers Jude's fans had brought and the pictures they had set on the steps. More tears left her eyes when she saw this beautiful gesture. She turned to Jason again.

Sadie: "This can't be happening. She can't be gone." she yelled, tears followed more tears. Jason threw his arms around her and held onto her. She cried in his arms. Everyone just looked at her. No one could even imagine what she was going through. Back inside Johnny finished the song……..

"I hear them say, 'ashes to ashes………..dust to dust'

You were always there, never betrayed my trust.

A father's scream, a mother's cry,

This can't be happening, it's all a lie.

You can't be gone, its not true,

Please come back, we all need you."

Johnny slowly sat the guitar down and stood up. Everyone was crying. The memorial service was over. In the sad silence that followed the outside door swung open. The sun shone through as a shape walked through the door. Everyone turned around to face who ever just stepped in.

Ok guys….that was it. You all are finally caught up to the point where everyone else is at. I started working on the next chapter last night so hopefully I'll have something out soon but I am buried until English AP papers. I'm really happy with the responses I've been getting. I am really glad you all like this story.

I know this later post was a little long, sorry. I just wanted you guys to be on the same page as everyone else.

For someone who said that cliffhangers suck……..lol I agree but it keeps you guys coming back…….on the other sites I am called the Queen on Cliffhangers. Lol I guess it's a deserving title after all.

Anyways keep the feedbacks coming. I love them. More very soon.

Minela