NOTES: Thank you all, again, for your wonderful reviews. Remember, this is not the same timeline as that of the regular show; I've taken some liberties. There has never been a reliable account of the people who went to Atlantis. This is my own spectulation that is based on a variety of information, including comments from TPTB. Thank you, PurpleYin, for betaing this.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate: Atlantis and all things associated with it belong to other people, though Tamura and Gupta are mine.

SPOILERS: Before I Sleep

RATING: T

MARKHAM'S JOURNAL

January 1, 2005

The gym was open, which was a good thing. I must have gained five pounds today.

The Japanese know how to celebrate a holiday. The six of us did nothing all day but eat, nap from too much food, watch the Olympics and play card games. It was better than Thanksgiving at Uncle Oliver's. Aside from the endless food Dr. Tamura had prepared, Miss Gupta had made some traditional sweets her family always has and got us all to light fake candles to keep away bad luck. They were actually little touch sensitive lights made to look like candles that she borrowed from the chapel. Unlike the night we launched our little light boats, while in space, no live flames are allowed on the ship.

Dr. Simpson was able to bury the hatchet with Dr. Kavanaugh.

It was a good day.

January 3, 2005

Another visit with Dr. Reynolds. He was pleased to hear about New Year's and how the three of us are catching up on things.

Miss Gupta learned some nasty stuff about the pilots of those ships that attacked us. It seems they don't eat food but suck out the essence or life of living prey, like vampires, or at least that's the going theory in the biology and med labs. They also have something in them that would let them live almost forever, so long as they had sustenance. If those things killed off the Ancients, that doesn't explain how Atlantis was untouched. But why would the Ancients leave the city if it was safe? If the city used a single ZPM, a power source so great that it got us to Pegasus, Dr. Simpson thinks it would have powered the city for several hundred years before getting to the point of near collapse we found it in, yet the evidence on the continent was that Aviquies had been abandoned for over 10,000 years. It's a big mystery, and the introduction of the creepy aliens just confuses things further. Although Dr. Corrigan worries about the implications for any people who might live in Pegasus, I think it's a good thing we didn't get more involved. Goa'uld and Replicators keep us busy enough as it is.

January 5, 2005

It was six months ago we gated to Atlantis.

January 7, 2005

Tonight we entered the Milky Way. In a few more days, we'll be home. I'm kind of glad it took us so long to get back. It's like a breaking in period, getting used to a normal life.

Since it's my day off, I convinced Chef to let us use part of the galley to prepare a mini celebration for us survivors. We guys can hardly match Dr. Tamura and Miss Gupta, least of all with only what Chef is willing to let us use, but we prepared what we could. It felt good to have the three of us working together again, almost like Thanksgiving. Using my gran's recipe, or what I can remember of it, I made meatloaf from ground turkey, since Miss Gupta doesn't eat beef. It tasted the same to me. I also cooked string beans with garlic and almonds, my dad's easy but tasty contribution to any holiday meal. Dr. Kavanaugh made pretty decent twice baked potatoes and cauliflower with cheese sauce. Dr. Corrigan made bread that smelled so good Chef insisted on a loaf as payment. He also made a berry cobbler that my mother would have kissed him for. We started cooking after Chef was done with dinner, so we ate late enough we were in the Milky Way by the time we were through. Chef let us have a six-pack and together we celebrated our return to our home galaxy. Gen. Hammond stopped by to have a taste and thank Dr. Tamura for her New Year's food. Seems she gave him and Chef some in thanks.

I'm so full I can hardly stay awake to write this.

January 10, 2005

We finally returned to Earth. I confess, seeing it on the relay brought me to tears. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted from me, like I'm not alone anymore.

Once we landed, everything became a blur. I was met by Colonel Makepeace, who debriefed me even though he'd had the files from Prometheus for days. He told me I'll get to choose my next assignment and that I'll have plenty of time to do what needs doing before I decide. Naturally, working with the SGC is a possibility, but with my gene, I have more options. Considering the turnover, I think I'll pass the chance to rejoin SG5 or at the prestige of joining SG3. I've been through enough life and limb situations for a while.

The SGC was a felicitator of but not authority over the Atlantis expedition, with the exception of the US military portion and all matters involving security for which the SGC and Homeworld Security were jointly responsible. With the leader of the expedition MIA, the big wigs are in a bit of a muddle figuring out who has to deal with what. As head of Homeworld Security and the man responsible for selecting Colonel Sumner and approving the rest of us, Gen. Hammond's arranging for the funerals and condolences, even though he's USAF and the sole member of the USAF to go to Atlantis is MIA. But what about the 60 some other people? Seems he wants to make that the USAF's responsibility, too. They're best suited for dealing with it anyway. Considering how tied up our resources are in the Middle East, the USAF has the most flexibility where men and equipment are concerned. But that's just the logistics of transporting bodies and dealing with bureaucracy. What about the families? I'm glad it isn't my job.

I also got to talk with a suit from DC, someone who works for the NSA. There was something about the guy that got my hackles up, but I tried to tell it as plainly and honestly as I could.

The third guy I talked to was from Homeland Security, checking on Dr. Tamura and Miss Gupta. It was even more difficult being polite to this guy. I'm so sick of going over it all and the idea of two people who've given so much to be under suspicion pisses me off.

The six of us managed to have dinner together, though the cafeteria food isn't nearly as good as what we'd grown used to on the Prometheus. Somehow, Miss Gupta and Dr. Tamura had found the time to go shopping and they had Blackberrys for all of us, as a way of keeping in touch when we're far apart. I was so surprised. Soon, we were all sending each other messages even though we were at the same table.

January 11, 2005

Even though I'm no longer a member of the Prometheus' crew, Dr. Reynolds is still keeping track of me for the time being. With the craziness of our arrival, he let my appointment wait a day. He tells me I'm doing fine, that all this bureaucracy won't last forever.

I attended my first four funerals today, for Sgt. Miller and Cpl.s Smith, Lumano, and Reinholtz, none of whom had family. Gen.s Hammond and O'Neill attended along with Colonel Makepeace, SG3 and all of us who survived. There were also a few guys they'd worked with before. The four of them hadn't worked at the SGC and I'd never worked with them until the preparations for Atlantis. So I didn't really know them too well. Like me, Miller was there because he had the gene. I sometimes wonder, what if it had been him instead of me who'd ended up in that ship? Would he have done any better? I also wonder how different things might have gone if he and others had made it to another ship, if there had been twice as many of us. The whole thing left me feeling complete and dissatisfied all at the same time. At least I've finally seen someone laid to rest.

Since it's our last night together, I took us all out to the best seafood place in town. It hardly makes up for Blackberrys, but it's something. Miss Gupta and I had learned Dr. Kavanaugh could swear like a sailor, but we all learned he could drink like one, too. Makes me wonder about him. He's actually kind of funny when he's drunk.

January 12, 2005

Dr. Tamura left for Japan today, along with the remains and possessions of the three Japanese who died in Atlantis. It was awkward, seeing her off. There was this terrible formality to it, as she bowed her farewell to us like we were strangers, flanked by a pair of JSAF officers. I'd helped her weed a potato patch, harvest seaweed, herd goats. I carried her a mile when she was sick enough to die. Now she's on a plane across the Pacific and I may never see her again. It just feels wrong somehow.

I attended three more funerals. Col. Sumner, Sgt. Bates and Cpl. Martinez. It was odd burying two empty caskets. Sgt. Bates had always been the tightass of the group, Col. Sunmer's favorite, even over Lt. Ford. So it felt right they should be buried side by side. Cpl. Martinez was a big guy, but he'd been the baby of the group, only 21. He'd had a specialty in electronics and been looking forward to what we might find almost as much as the scientists. It's a shame only his name made it home.

January 13, 2005

Today was Miss Gupta's turn. Since she had to stop by England on her way back, she agreed to take the bodies of the four British members of the expedition to their homes, including Dr.s Beckett and Grodin. Unlike Dr. Tamura's departure, Miss Gupta's was quite emotional, with hugs and tears. She told me to stay safe in a way that suggested she didn't want me taking any more dangerous assignments.

Only two funerals today, one for Mark Schmidt, the man who would have been Atlantis' Chef, and another for Dr. Evans, a biologist. I didn't know either of them, and somehow that made me feel cheated. That they were both essentially civilians makes it different for some reason. Here were two men willing to risk their lives for humanity, men I might have gotten to know and work with if things had been different.

I sure hope they figure out that drone making equipment. I want these people to have died for something.

January 14, 2005

I flew to California with Gen.s Hammond and O'Neill and SGs 3 and 5, which came back through the Gate last night, for the funerals of Lt. Ford and Sgt.s Gonzales and Nugyen. Since he isn't needed right now, Dr. Corrigan came, too. That's how I learned he's offered to accompany the bodies of the international members when the time comes, to be a kind of spokesman for the expedition. When Dr. Weir had said we were from over a dozen different countries, she'd meant it. There was even a guy from South Africa. That's a lot of traveling.

There couldn't have been three more different funerals. Lt. Ford's was simple, stoic and sad. His grandparents, who raised him, tried to be brave about it all. His cousin was just plain mad. The one time she bothered to meet my eye, I could swear she would have belted me as much as look at me. "Why him not you?" she said without saying a word. Sgt. Gonzales' family is big, and they had an elaborate, formal ceremony with much open weeping. Now I know why he never introduced any of us to his sister. How is it she's still single? What a lousy way to meet her. Sgt. Nugyen was an only child, or rather his brother died when he was a kid. It was tough for his parents, but they did their best to celebrate his life. It was colorful and kind of cheerful.

I got an email from Miss Gupta. She said Dr. Beckett's mother fainted at the news of her beloved only child's death and had to be rushed to the hospital. Worse, she's now all alone in the world, with just her neighbors and distant nephews to console her. Miss Gupta said Dr. Beckett had been a "dear, sweet man" and it just broke her heart to see his mother so devastated. She wishes she could take Mrs. Beckett back to India so she could be surrounded by a big, loving family that would revere and spoil her.

She said visiting the Grodins was like being in a weird, formal, British, mirror version of her own family. They took it pretty well. She'll visit the families of Dr.s Wilkins and Becicka tomorrow.

January 15, 2005

Today was the most difficult. We went to Wisconsin for the funerals of Sgt. Stackhouse and Dr. Heightmeyer. I'd never met her. If her picture and the crowd were anything to go by, she was gorgeous and well loved. The hard part was not being able to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Stackhouse about what happened to their son. I wanted them to know what he died for, that, for however briefly, he had been part of the most far-flung adventure of mankind, that he had been part of a legend. He had been so smart, the smartest of us grunts and maybe of all the military personnel. He spoke Russian and German and had traveled all over Europe both in and out of the Corps. He was officer material stuck in the enlisted ranks. Even so, he'd had so much potential. He'd been selected to go to Atlantis because of his talent and experience, which was greater than any but Col. Sumner and Maj. Sheppard. At least both families have other children, not like Lt. Ford's or Sgt. Nyguen's. I reminisced about the amazing week of fishing I had with the Stackhouses a few summers ago. Gen. O'Neill said I should try fishing in Minnesota with him. I almost think he was serious.

Miss Gupta and Dr. Tamura are both doing well.

Dr. Simpson and Kavanaugh have both been working on the Ancient technology we brought back and didn't come.

January 16, 2005

Only one funeral today, a geologist named Dr. Goldman. She had her ashes spread over a particular remote canyon at sunrise. It was a beautiful place, but one of her colleagues told me she'd picked it because of its geological significance. I can't believe that was the only reason.

Dr. Kavanaugh left. He has accepted a position as assistant head of Atlantus research, which is a hands-on position, as opposed to the head of research. Essentially, he'll have Dr. McKay's old job. I hear it's a heck of a flight, so we took him out to a big lunch and gave him a ton of food to take with him, all the things he'd said he'd missed, including a 5 pound block of handmade Vermont extra sharp cheddar. We stuck it in a little wheeled suitcase and tied it with a bow with a Snickers bar on top. It actually made him laugh. More surprising, he thanked us all, both for all we'd done to survive and for accepting him even after his over-critical reports on us, not that he apologized for his behavior. He shook our hands and Dr. Simpson actually let him give her a hug goodbye. I teased her about it afterward. She tweaked my cheek and said it was a shame I was too young for her. Two for two. The ladies are going to give me a big head.

She didn't want to spoil things for Dr. Kavanaugh, so she told us over dinner that she's been put in charge of a new Area 51 department called the Practical Application of Ancient Technology, or PAT for short. They'll be in charge of coordinating Ancient technology research and developing it with industrial applications in mind. Mainly, they'll be putting the drone facility back together and hopefully into production. Then she had another bombshell. There are eight Atlantis ships. The last was found by none other than General O'Neill somewhere here in the Milky Way. More interesting, even though it seems to have been abandoned by its single occupant some two hundred years ago, it has a major component in it that is unique and a kind of residual radiation that suggests time travel was once involved. Naturally, she thinks it might be another ship like the one Maj. Sheppard and the others were in, further evidence that they might still be out there somewhere, somewhen. I like the idea that there might be nine of us, instead of just six. That would bring the survival rate to 10 percent, though I don't know why the 10 percent part matters to me.

The eighth ship also supports Dr. Jackson's theory that the Ancients abandoned Atlantis and gated back to the Milky Way, as opposed to going somewhere else in Pegasus or being eaten by those aliens. Perhaps there are still a few out there somewhere. Their knowledge is what we went to Pegasus for. Maybe the original objective can still be accomplished by someone, if not us.

January 17, 2005

Gen. Hammond, Col. Makepeace, Dr. Corrigan and I flew to Georgia then Florida for Cpl. Parlins' and Dr. Peterson's funerals. Cpl. Parlins is the last of us grunts. He was a funny guy and a worthy opponent in volleyball and he could shoot the hairs off a caterpillar at 100 yards. His family treated me kindly. They were more proud than sad, at least in front of us. Dr. Peterson had been an engineer and an expert in Ancient technology. His family was full of really successful, intelligent and inquisitive people. I was glad Gen. Hammond was there to run cover for us. I don't think I could have successfully dodged all those questions solo.

The others are all well.

I keep finding myself comparing the families and stuff, wondering which is worse. Is it better to be one child of several or to have no family? That sort of thing. Only Miss Gupta and Dr. Corrigan have really shared any thoughts. Miss Gupta says thinking those sorts of things is normal. Dr. Corrigan says it doesn't matter, that it's all sad, no matter the details.

January 18, 2005

Today it was New England. Massachusetts for Dr.s Chang and Johnson, New York for Dr. Biro. All three were women.

Dr.s Chang and Johnson were both young and engineers and from families that were completely heartbroken by their deaths. For some reason I can't forget Dr. Chang's niece, who couldn't have been more than five. With her cute black dress and straight black hair and solemn little face, she read a poem she wrote about her hero, AMi, short for Aunt Milinda. Her love was so pure and intense it almost hurt to listen.

Dr. Biro was the head pathologist. Like Smith and Miller, she was an addition just prior to departure, someone who hadn't worked in the SGC or Atlantus. None of us knew her. I'd never even seen her. Miss Gupta had only met her once, at the Med. staff meeting the morning we left for Atlantis. Even so, by the end of her funeral, I felt like we were old friends. She was apparently one of those eternally cheerful people with a weird sense of humor and lots of loyal colleagues. Her only family was an aunt and a sister who was part of a folk band with a really good sound. They played a song written in her memory. For someone who had almost no family, it was a really homey service.

I don't know why, but it only dawned on me today that everyone we've buried has been in the military or sciences. When I asked Dr. Corrigan about it, why was he the only American besides Dr. Weir who was neither, he explained many of the best qualified Americans were already working for the SGC. Since Gen. O'Neill had forbidden Dr. Jackson from going, none of the others at the SGC volunteered out of respect for him. Dr. Corrigan, however, had come into the program via Atlantus on Dr. Jackson's recommendation to Dr. Weir. I hadn't realized Dr. Jackson had been so gung-ho to go to Atlantis. That explains why he was so determined to bring back all he could from Aviquies.

January 19, 2005

In Arizona and New Mexico, we buried two of the last of the Americans, Dr. Abrams and Dr. Gaul, an astronomer and a physicist. Dr. Simpson knew them both pretty well and since they were close enough, she joined us for their funerals.

Dr. Abrams had worked for Area 51 since he was in grad school, which is how he learned he had the gene. He was still pretty young. He had only a father and a sister, but like Dr. Biro, he had a lot of friends, though they were a fairly geeky bunch. One actually recited a elegy in Klingon. This amused Dr. Simpson and impressed Dr. Corrigan, who translated it as it was being sung. It felt like he'd be remembered as a legend, because even though none of them knew what he'd been doing, they all knew it was something big. There's just something different about the Southwest.

What was probably the most awkward moment so far happened at Dr. Gaul's funeral. Dr. Gaul's ex-wife actually approached Gen. Hammond and asked about alimony. The General never ceases to amaze me, how well he deals with people even in their grief. With reassurances she would be taken care of, he had her calmed down in minutes. Dr. Gaul also had what was perhaps the most dramatic final resting place, along the heights next to the Los Alamos observatory. I heard it was no small feat cutting a hole into the rock without causing vibrations that might disrupt any scientific equipment up there.

The only ones left are Dr. McKay and Miss Marshall, who was a nurse, but they seem to be having trouble contacting their relatives.

Tomorrow, Dr. Corrigan heads for Canada with the bodies of Dr. Dumais and Sgt. Sheffield, the first of the internationals for him. I've offered to accompany him. The last thing I want to deal with is more funerals, but why should he have to deal with it all? I know he's trying to make each one special, personal, even if he didn't know them. Either way, he says having a member of the US military present would only raise unwanted questions and complicate an already complicated matter. He says Gen. Hammond has lent him a civilian personal assistant to help, so I suppose that'll have to do.

January 20, 2005

I finally got to visit my folks. I nearly broke down just seeing mom answer the door. They think I was in the Middle East or something and I can't tell them why seeing them again moved me so much. Now I really feel like I'm home. Miss Gupta said it was the same way for her. When will Dr. Corrigan get to visit his mom and sister? I feel kind of bad that we're all going about our lives while he's still dealing with the dead, but he says it's something he wants and needs to do.

January 22, 2005

After talking with everybody and doing a lot of thinking, I've decided I'd like to stick with the SGC but not be on one of the teams. Dr. Corrigan says he'll be working at the SGC as a SSS like Dr. Jackson, only he'll not be a part of a specific team, free to work with whichever team needs him at the time, which is where I got the idea.

I'm going to see if I can get some form of training that will allow me to help with R&D. Ancient technology is the reason all these people died, so if I can somehow help figure any of it out, that's what I want to do. There are only so many people with the Ancient gene, something like one in 15,000. It was difficult enough finding the handful besides me who went to Atlantis. And how do you test people for something that's top secret? They need guys like me to activate Ancient technology, but what if I could help figure it out, too? Maybe I could do that and be a benchwarmer for SGs 3 and 5, a substitute for when one of their guys is in the infirmary or something. Dr. Corrigan has read over my proposal and says it's good to go. I wonder if Gen. O'Neill reads proposals over weekends?

January 23, 2005

He does and I've got myself a new position at the SGC. Seems Gen. O'Neill found helping in the labs a bit of a chore and is glad to have someone else be their ATA guinea pig.

My brother Jim managed to swing by for the weekend with his wife and kids. We played ball in the yard. It was so normal it almost seemed unreal. I still can't believe the Sox won.

Dr. Corrigan says he'd wished he hadn't started with the Russians after Canada because, after so many months without any, he's having trouble with all the alcohol they're expecting him to drink. There were more Russians than any other nationality besides Americans.

Tomorrow I'll head back and start my job at the SGC.

January 24, 2005

Miss Marshall finally got a funeral today, a small ceremony arranged by friends. Seems her only immediate relative was a grandmother who was too ill to deal with it.

A lot of the people who went to Atlantis had little or no family. While trying to gather the best of the best, Dr. Weir had kept in mind it might be a one way trip. She'd even reminded us of it, offering us a chance to back out before stepping through the Gate. Even so, it came as a surprise to find out no one had claimed Dr. McKay's remains. It's more than kind of sad, it seems just plain disrespectful. This guy gave his life trying to save us all. But what can you do if no one in his family cares that he's dead? Of course, it seemed he wasn't too concerned, himself. I actually got to read his copy of the form we all had to sign in case of our deaths in Pegasus. Under burial preferences, he wrote: What do I care? I'll be dead.

He was not an American, which I had forgotten. He was also not military, so there's little hope for a military funeral.

I contacted the others. Dr. Simpson is taking the next flight back to the SGC. Dr.s Corrigan and Kavanaugh will come later tomorrow and Dr. Tamura the day after that. No word from Miss Gupta, which is strange.

Got to see Dr. Reynolds again. He says my proposal to Gen. O'Neill is not only logistically wise, it's emotionally a good choice, too. He's impressed to hear all four of us have decided to "get back up on the horse," not that Dr. Tamura or Miss Gupta could continue working here.

January 25, 2005

We got an email from Miss Gupta. She can't come because she had appendicitis. My heart stopped beating for a minute when I read the news, only one thought in my head: What would we have done if that had happened on Aviquies? It practically made me ill just thinking about it. Would we have lost our medical expert? Would she have tried to teach me what to do? I gave a prayer of thanks that it hadn't been up to me.

We're sending her flowers, a card and a stuffed goat to accompany our get well wishes. She wants to be a part of the decision, even if she can't be here.

Dr. Kavanaugh seems the same. Surprisingly, he didn't take Dr. Simpson getting the better assignment personally. He likes working down there. Dr. Simpson looks more alive than I've ever seen her. Area 51 suits her. I haven't seen Dr. Corrigan so tired since the first weeks on Aviquies. He's still only seen about a third of the European expedition members home, let alone anyone from the Southern Hemisphere. I took them all out to steak.

January 26, 2005

Dr. Tamura arrived the same way she left, with quiet formality. She brought us all treats from Japan. I got a Japanese Giants baseball shirt.

Gen. O'Neill let us use the SGC's briefing room and its global conferencing capabilities to include Miss Gupta in our debate. I can only imagine how much that cost, but the others seemed to think nothing of it. We came up with a bunch of different ideas: Spreading his ashes above the Earth or on top of Cheyenne mountain or putting an urn orbit, things like that. There's a special graveyard at the Alpha site, and since it's not US soil, he could be buried there. But he'd never really worked for the SGC, so it seemed inappropriate. I thought the best idea was to make a special alcove in Atlantus for him, so he could keep watching over his work. Dr. Kavanaugh said the thought gave him the creeps.

In the end, Sgt. Harriman, the Sgt. of Sgt.s, the grease that keeps the SGC running, a man so vital yet modest enough to bring us coffee, it was his idea we liked the best. He suggested, since Dr. McKay's family wasn't interested, pretty much everyone who'd want to come would have security clearance. So maybe we could have a memorial in the Gateroom and let an establishing wormhole take his body. Simple yet grand, scientific yet cosmic, a significant location, a connection to Ancient technology and no travel required. Gen. O'Neill agreed we could. We started making the arrangements.

Sgt. Harriman seemed amused that I saluted him. The others acted like they didn't know who he was. None of them have worked at the SGC, so maybe they don't.

January 27, 2005

We were given permission to go through Dr. McKay's apartment, in case we might find something to inspire us for the funeral and because someone had to do it. There were dead houseplants and forgotten food and books in piles everywhere. Despite the clutter, it was a pretty nice place.

For some reason, Dr. Simpson had this odd compulsion to clean the clutter and Dr. Kavanaugh organized the books and periodicals. He started dividing them up into ones that he wanted and ones that needed to be destroyed or filed away by the SGC because of Dr. McKay's notes in them. Occasionally, he'd read some of Dr. McKay's comments. They were so biting it made us laugh. Dr. Tamura found his CD collection, seems he was a fan of classical piano. She used to play and offered to select a few appropriate pieces. I went through his clothes. He had nothing formal, so we decided he could stay in his Atlantis outfit. After all, no one would see it, and even if they did, they'd all have clearance. Besides, it's not as though any of the Dr.s remembered anything about his color preferences, though Dr. Corrigan remembered he drank more coffee than Russians drank vodka. That made Dr. Kavanaugh remember he claimed to be hypoglycemic and suggested we serve White Russian ice cream. Dr. Simpson then remembered he was a food snob and suggested tiramisu, which is apparently a fancy, coffee flavored dessert. I wondered if we should serve something Canadian, but none of us knows much about Canadian food. We settled on turkey and wild rice, as a kind of nod to both Canada and our life on Aviquies. We called it in to the SGC. All of it should be doable, even on short notice. Apparently, they'd been planning on turkey anyway.

All the talk of food made us hungry, so we ordered delivery for lunch. There was an extensive collection of menus in a drawer by his phone with detailed opinions on various entrees, all as articulate and precise as his professional comments. Over the course of the meal, we discussed destinations we could dial and what we should do with all his stuff. Gen.s Hammond and O'Neill had left that up to us. Miss Gupta kept up with us via her Blackberry, though it was really late where she was. We agreed with Dr. Corrigan that we should sell everything and start a memorial fund, though we're still debating between an annual scholarship for astrophysics students or a lump sum donation to a specific R&D project.

Under his bed, I found a very dusty shoebox of family photos. We all gathered around to go through them. The photos were so few and the people in them so unhappy looking, it was difficult to bear. We decided, as some of the only non academic personal items we could find, they should be in the coffin with him.

About the time we were going to leave for dinner, a neighbor stopped by to ask what was going on. We explained that Dr. McKay had died in an accident and I could swear she muttered, "Jerk." Then she asked about his cat, which she'd been taking care of. When Dr. Simpson instantly offered to take the cat, the neighbor backed off, said she had to think about it. They exchanged numbers and that was that.

There was something oddly satisfying about all of us together going through this process. I can't really explain it, but I can feel it.

January 28, 2005

People from all over came, people none of us considered contacting. We have no idea how they found out, let alone how all the security was dealt with. There are a half dozen Russians and a guy who worked with Dr. Grodin and a few others from Atlantus who'd chosen not to go to Atlantis. To my surprise, both Gen.s Hammond and O'Neill as well as Col. Carter were among those who spoke. Gen. O'Neill's comments were terse yet sincere, but Col. Carter had some pretty colorful things to say about the man. She made us laugh and brought the rocklike Dr. Simpson to tears. Seems she found Dr. McKay a brave coward, thoughtful yet selfish and a brilliant pain in the ass. She said she wished she could have seen all he might have accomplished. It was like his death encapsulated the whole Atlantis experience. There was so much potential lost.

For the sake of drama and the convenience of not having to set up a platform, Col. Carter had decided to have his coffin lowered into the Gateroom after all the speakers had finished. It was accompanied by a surprisingly uplifting piano piece Dr. Tamura had chosen. When the music came to an end, Sgt. Harriman started dialing the Gate. We'd settled on P3R-272, the place where Gen. O'Neill was first given all the knowledge of the Ancients. Then, in a brilliant flash of light, Dr. McKay was gone. Surprisingly, there was applause and the air at the reception was almost festive.

That evening, we saw Dr.s Tamura and Kavanaugh off before heading to a Mexican place that, with good reason, everyone at the SGC recommends. For the first time, it didn't hurt to talk about the friends we'd lost. It's like this chunk of anger and guilt I've been carrying around for months has finally been worn away or knocked loose. Dr. Simpson said she kind of felt the same way. Dr. Corrigan thinks it's because, for the first time, we got to go to a funeral where everyone knew everything. There'd been no lying to relatives and the people there knew what had really been at stake. We made a toast to all the people we lost, all the people we still have and all the people we have yet to meet.