Olivia dug her feet into the sand and watched her babies play in the surf. Their little blonde heads bobbed in the waves as they giggled and screamed in delight. She couldn't share their joy because her mind kept going back to her fight with Gregory.
They hadn't even made it to lunch without arguing. Didn't matter what they fought about anymore. They screamed at each other because they had forgot what else they did. It was all they had left, but they attacked it with the same passion they did the rest of their relationship.
Sighing heavily, Olivia waved at Sean, smiling as he attacked the waves with his chubby little hands. At least her children lived in the eye of the storm. Her little angels thrived there. Thinking of her babies reminded her that the fight that morning hadn't been a petty little battle. It had ripped into her heart, more than she could afford to admit without losing herself.
It was wrong to bring it up. She had been so stupid, but the morning had been going so well. Gregory had kissed her when he brought her coffee, stroked her foot as he read the paper. It was like things were before. When they loved each other. She hadn't meant to bring it up, it just slipped out.
"Darling, do you ever think about having another baby?"
After it was said, there was no turning back. Gregory had exploded. He'd turned on her, bringing down that wall and going straight for her jugular. Even after she was crying he hadn't let up. It wasn't until Sean toddled in and asked innocently why they were yelling that Gregory had turned away and locked himself in his study.
Even Caitlin hadn't been able to get him out to the beach with her and the children. He'd told her he had too much work, but Olivia knew better. Gregory hated her that much. He couldn't imagine having another child with her because he couldn't stand to look at her. He was most likely filing for divorce right now. Her stomach knotted up and she suddenly felt trapped even though she was outside on the beach.
She should leave, go inside pack up and leave. Caitlin giggled and scrambled up on the sand before running back into the water with a shout of glee. But she couldn't go. She couldn't leave her babies and she couldn't take them away from Gregory. Gregory may not love her, but he loved his children.
Caitlin screamed and she was no longer screaming in joy. Something was wrong. Olivia was immediately knocked out of her reverie. She looked for the two little blond heads, but they were gone. her blood went cold, her heart leapt into her throat. Sean was crying, Caitlin was screaming for help.
Olivia ripped off the sarong that covered her legs and ran into the water. She didn't think that the water was rough, or that she hadn't even seem her babies. It didn't cross her mind that she wasn't a strong swimmer, or that being alone in the water still brought back childhood nightmares. She had to get to her children.
The ocean was warm but the waves had a countercurrent she had to fight it to reach her children. They were still crying, thank god they were still crying so she had something to zero in on. She caught Caitlin's arm first, pulling her towards her. Olivia reached out as far as she could and caught Sean's arm. Another wave crashed over her head pulled her feet out from under her. When the wave abated she swam for shore as hard as she could.
Sean and Caitlin held on they were terrified but they held on. She got her feet down, lunged forward with the next wave and they were there. Caitlin was crawling up onto the beach, Sean followed her and she helped him, dragging her little brother up to the sand. Olivia put her feet down against the water that pulled her out, exhausted but with enough adrenaline to carry her out to the beach.
But she didn't get up. She didn't stand up, she felt the water pull her out and she left go. The warm water blanket her, soothing the emptiness Gregory left behind. She could just close her eyes and everything would be all right.
Except for the burning in her lungs. Olivia's eyes flashed open beneath the surface and the salt seared into her eyes. She choked, her body desperate to breath in but her mind insisting that she wait for her head to break the surface. The warmth of the water was demanding instead of comforting. The waves crashed over her head and the cradling sensation of the current was replace by the single desperate thought that she was going to die out here. Alone.
On the heels of that horrid thought came the surprising response that she didn't want to die. Choking on sea water as her head broke the surface, Olivia knew she didn't want to slip beneath the waves and disappear, because it wasn't safe. It was pain. Her throat already hurt from the caustic water and she was gasping for breath as she tried to find her stroke. What had Gregory told her about being pulled out into the ocean?
Thinking about Gregory brought up the little voice that insisted he hated her so much that he wouldn't even grieve her death. The same voice that told her she'd never remember what he said, and even if she did, she didn't have the strength to reach the shore again. The last thing her children would remember of their mother was that she had disappeared into the sea.
She was still swimming, but her arms were burning, her legs were exhausted and she wasn't making any headway. When she actually saw it between wave crests the shore only got farther and farther away. She'd never reach it. Sick terror gave way to the even bleaker feeling of failure. She had let her tendency for self-destruction guide her at a crucial moment and she was lost.
Olivia went under again when a wave crashed over her head. She fought for the surface again, but the more she fought the more her ears screamed in pain. It wasn't until she opened her eyes to the stinging darkness that she realized she'd been swimming the wrong way. The wave had turned her around and she'd swam towards the bottom.
Where was the surface? She had to find the light and swim towards it. Her mouth opened before she broke the surface, a coughing fit doubled up her body and she was gasping when her head finally broke the surface. Olivia swallowed one mouthful, then another of brackish salt water. Her lungs ached with the abuse, her throat burned from the water, and now she couldn't see shore at all.
If this was a rip tide, she could be nearly a mile from shore. Her bloated body would be found by fishermen in a drag net. If they found her at all. That little voice insisted it would serve her right. Save her the pain of her loveless marriage. Surely she'd trade physical discomfort for years of destruction at the hands of her husband?
She was under the surface again, the silver of the air taunted her reminding her that she wasn't good enough. Her lungs shot pain through her chest as if she had filled them with needles. She kicked, fighting for the surface but it just got farther away. Her vision was starting to black out and Olivia could taste the saltwater in her mouth again. This time she couldn't stop choking as it poured into her throat. Her eyes were failing her, her limbs were thrashing and refusing to carry her up.
Something caught her arm. Something hard and strong that moved to catch her other arm. The touch made her wonder if a shark or other terrible sea creature had taken this moment to feast on her dying body.
They were moving up, it intended to devour her on the surface. It grabbed her neck and roughly pulled her head up against its' body. It was talking to her but its voice was lost in the water. It was opening her mouth and breathing into her lungs. She was coughing too hard to catch her breath, swallowing the water in a desperate attempt to keep it out of her already tortured lungs.
It was holding her head above the water. It was forcing her to breath through the pain in her chest. It was Gregory.
He pulled through the water, dragging her behind him with smooth efficiency. She was drifting in and out, sometimes her had to stop and treat water until he was sure she was still breathing. After an eternity of fighting the water, Gregory won. He felt his feet touch sand beneath the water. The waves that crashed around them were curling up onto the beach. Olivia was dead weight on his right side, he couldn't even feel her coughing anymore.
He stumbled, half running, half swimming through the rest of the water as he pulled her up to the sand. Her eyes were closed, lips blue from lack of oxygen. Caitlin and Sean rushed over to them, sobbing in terror, but he pushed them away.
Gregory caught Caitlin's shoulders and he shook her. "Go inside, take your brother and go inside."
She shook her head, unwilling to leave him and her mother.
He pushed her towards Sean, using the sternest tone he dared. "Go inside, NOW!"
Catilin jumped back as if he had hit her. Grabbing Sean, they ran for the house. Daddy never yelled at them, and they were nearly as shocked by that as they were terrified that their parents had disappeared.
Gregory hauled his wife up to her side, opening her mouth as sea water cascaded down her cheek towards the sand. He put his ear to her chest, begging that there was still something left to hear. She had a heartbeat. It throbbed against her ribs and he could feel her pulse in her neck. At least that was strong, but she wasn't breathing. That reflex had shut down.
Tilting back her head, Gregory opened her mouth and breathed for her, forcing her lungs to fill. The air slipped out nearly as soon as it was in, and he tried again. When that failed her slapped her face, striking her hard enough to leave a pale pink mark on her sodden white cheek.
"Goddammit Olivia, breath!" He tilted her chin, forcing air into her lungs as if he could force the will to live along with it.
He cupped her chin and lowered his mouth to hers. "Please-" He begged before closing their lips together. Her chest expanded once more and this time, finally, her chest moved of its own accord. Olivia's stillness broke into a fit of coughing. Gregory moved quickly to roll her onto her side, water came pouring out of her mouth.
As soon as she breathed in once on her own she was vomiting the rest of the water from her stomach. Rasping for breath, her nails dug into his arm until he felt blood rise from the wounds. He held her head up over the sand and kept encouraging her to breath. Breathing had never been something she needing coaching for before, but now it was as foreign as his concern.
When her stomach stopped rebelling she collapsed to the sand. She couldn't stop coughing, it felt as if her lungs were going to try to work their way out of her throat. Gregory was the one who pulled her up, forcing her to sit up so her lungs didn't have to work as hard.
He'd come in to get her, braved the water that frightened her and come in after her. Pulling her out of the sea as if she were a little girl again. Olivia nearly couldn't believe it. Except for the burning in her chest she could have been in heaven. Being in Gregory's arms again as if he wanted her there was certainly all the eternal reward she needed.
But Olivia knew her body wouldn't be this angry with her if she was dead. Instead her body was using pain as a punishment, a way to remind her that life was precious indeed. Even if it was hers. Her chest kept heaving, and just as she thought she was gaining control she was vomiting sea water again.
Gregory was still there. He was still patient with her, shocked into a position as caretaker again. What was it about them that made it impossible for them to him to sit and have a conversation with her, but so easy for him to hold her head when she couldn't hold it up on her own? How could he whisper that everything was all right, that he was here and she was safe now when an hour ago he could have been happy never seeing her again.
He waited until Olivia seemed better, picked up the brown sarong with it's cream colored flowers and draped it over her shoulders. There wasn't much warmth in the thin cotton, but the gesture warmed her anyway. Her body was weak, exhausted by her ordeal, her legs weren't going to carry her inside, but that didn't bother him.
Gregory picked her up, cradling her in the moment it took to steady her weight. "I suppose I'll never get you in the water again will I?" He asked her without expecting an answer. "I'm going to have to talk to Caitlin and Sean about rip tides, show them how to swim parallel to the shore until they get out of it. Should be a good lesson for them."
He was walking, taking her back up to the house as if nothing had happened. As if she'd just fallen and twisted her ankle instead of letting the ocean pull her life away with the tide. Her eyes, her throat- everything hurt to much to cry but the tears came anyway.
"I'm sorry." Olivia whispered finally as her first few attempts to speak ended in fits of coughing.
She missed his reply as she started coughing again. Missed his breathless admission that it wasn't her fault as she struggled against the iron bands around her chest. If he showed her his heart, she'd know his pain. Know the power that agony had over him and realize how much he feared that loss of control. Gregory couldn't show her that. He couldn't let her know how lost he was without her. The mere thought of her death took all the color out of life and he still couldn't tell her.
He couldn't tell Olivia that he needed her to fight with him, needed the passion she dredged up from him because she was the brush that painted color into his world. Without her grays came and went without his notice. With her he had a reason to see.
Eventually she fell asleep, too tired to fight him when he stripped her of her swimsuit. Olivia slept while the doctor listened to her chest and promised she'd be fine after she got some rest. Slept on while Gregory crawled into bed next to her and remembered what a miracle it was to share a bed with someone who loved him. He ran slow fingers through her hair, easing out the tangles while his tears fell to the pillow beneath her head.
He'd done this, Gregory knew. He'd taken so much from her, selfishly keeping the best of her locked away in his heart- he should have seen this. He should have known that someday she wouldn't be able to give any more. Bit by bit he killed the one person he'd ever let in. Took enough of her life from her that she just didn't want to go on, where drowning in the ocean was preferable to living another day with him.
"I can't let you go, even if you hate me for it-" She coughed in her sleep, fingers clutching his arm in her dreams. "I can't live without you." He was too selfish to let her go and if she wouldn't hate him for it, Gregory would hate himself. That was one emotion he never had any trouble expressing.